Hello! If you're new around here, you'll need to read this.
1. I cuss, I try not to, but if you're sensitive to that, there's your warning.
2. I blog stream-of-conscious, generally, which means there will be typos on occasion. I ain't bovered.
3. I don't mind lurkers, random comments, etc. Feel free to chat it up with others.
4. Those Twilight/Sparkledammerung posts? They got HUGE. I no longer reply to comments there [well, sometimes I do] it's just too much to keep up with, sorry. But please enjoy, comment to others, etc.
5. I do try to reply to comments, but life (children, pets, my tush) take priority.
6. Come, go, reply, lurk, delist, I never mind.
7. I'm a former Master Gardener (I had to let my membership lapse, woe) and if you catch me at the right time, I love to help people enjoy their own gardens more. Feel free to ask questions, or for advice.
8. I've had my Spock mood theme for several years, now, and no, it's not shareable. Thanks for appreciating it, however. :)
9. Let this serve as your warning: you may need to not drink while you're reading. I am not responsible for replacing monitors or keyboards. ;)

I love soldiers. Anyone that is willing to put their life on the line so my lazy ass doesn't have to has earned way more than just my respect. I feel that their families need some recognition, too. I know how hard it is to have a husband gone for months at a time, but I don't have to worry about bullets whizzing past him.

Dogs welcoming their soldiers home: If you can watch all of the videos here and not be moved, well, you're as cold as ice. (Willing to sacrifice our love!)

The last clip is a compilation of clips of soldiers surprising their kids in school. OH MY GOD. Tears ahoy hoy. (Thanks solispsae for the link.)

This double posting brought to you by dogs being rad. (And my Sally Derg keeps making the "barroo?" head tilt every time I play one of these videos. Lol.)

Finally feeling less like death warmed over and more like I bet I can get something done today before I collapse in a sweaty, coughing mess. Yay?

Before I give my to do list the stink eye, I feel the need to link you to the Progressive Campaign Site. I'm a big fan of health care for everyone. I'm in a high tax bracket, too, but I have no problem paying more taxes (I should say, I have no problem making my husband pay higher taxes, har har) to enable people everywhere to have access to proper medication, health education, etc. I'm glad that the HoR passed that bill, but I am PIIIISSSSSED at the addendum that was slipped in that limits women to use their own funds to pay for an abortion, should they choose to do so. (I'm not even going to get into the abortion debate, people. It's not your body, it's not your decision, that's my firm stance.) Congresswomen are standing up to this, as they should. Where's the legislation against Viagra? Most health insurances don't even cover the pill. But almost every single one covers freaking Viagra? Are you kidding me?!

Anyway. Deep breath, me. Feel free to click over here and add your voice to the "Oh, HELL no!" outrage at this limitation against women using their own resources to pay for a medical procedure. (Don't even get me started on the lack of coverage for the morning after pill.)

In other news, I've booked my hotel and flight to Las Vegas for a weekend of debauchery, gambling, showgirls, and cruising Fremont Street for bums to roll for change. I haven't been to my old stomping grounds in almost a decade, and I cannot WAIT to go back. True fact: you can find the best jewelry EVER in Las Vegas' pawn shops, and I bet you can figure out why. I feel the need to own a pimp chain, is what I'm saying. With a big old "LL COOL J" in diamonds and platinum on it. Classy!

I'll have to dedicate a post to all of the crazy shit I've seen happen in Las Vegas over the years. Like the guy that played Baccarat with tens of millions of dollars. In ten minutes. OH MY GOD JUST GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE CHIPS, DUDE. Each chip, actual gold, one million dollars. Or the lady in the couture gown and fur (ew) who hiked up her skirt with her bejeweled fingers, squatted across the street from Treasure Island, and left a fudge dragon on the sidewalk. WOW. That one still elicits shocked laughter from me, after 15 years. Watching Evander Hollyfield get fitted for a suit the night Mike Tyson would bite his ear off. Well, part of his ear. Freaking out in Caesar's Palace as a near riot broke out after that happened.

VEGAS, BABY. Give me the dice, because we're all making coin when I'm rolling, I'm just saying. HARD EIGHTS AHEAD!

Rang dang dang a dinga dong! [Baby!] Sorry, it's been a non-stop playlist of 80s dance songs in my head. This weekend was our friend's 40th birthday party (which is weird, because I'm only 23. How do I know all of that 80s stuff? Har har.) and most everyone came in their best Me Generation stuff. (There were a lot of people that clearly don't have my insane passion for re-creation. They probably sleep better than I do.)

( The BEST birthday party I have ever been to, hands down. PICTURES! )

I did catch a cold bug/flu/something and completely lost my voice yesterday. I'm still in my jim-jams, in bed. I'm staying in bed, working on revisions. NICE.

I do want to tell y'all about a FREAKING AWESOME MOVIE I watched Friday night, though. Spoilers ahoy! [eta] for clarity: the movie title is [REC]. ( [REC] - if you've not seen it, DO NOT READ. )

I'm going to drink some hot tea and see if I can't get my voice back....

Texas Polygamist found GUILTY in SEX ASSAULT ON A CHILD.

One down, 10 more to go. Assholes. Not in my state, brother. The State has amassed a ton of evidence and the FLDS has just been stupid - they keep thinking they're in Utah with all of their relatives. HA HA, SUCKERS.

Can I just put this out here? I loathe "girl-geared" products. Pink tools! Yay, I couldn't even BEGIN to know how to drill a hole without my cutie patootie pink drill! It's pink because I'm a lady, and that's a lady color! Blech. I also loathe the cutification of words, too. I know some of y'all are into it, and that's fine, just know that it makes me crazy. "Prezzie." "Hubby." It's a PRESENT. And that is your HUSBAND. Oh, I'm sorry, that's your mother? Well, she looks like a man. Especially with that full beard. And penis.

I'm losing my mind today, in other words. OH MY GOD. I have rewritten this freaking prologue and Chpt. 1 so many times I just want to spit and stomp on it. BAH. If only my laptop was pink with gamboling kittens on it, it would be so much easier. Sigh. Math is hard. (MY BRAIN IS FRIED. I'm just not going to make sense to the vast majority of you, it can't be helped.)

I had the worst glass of wine on Halloween. Like, pour yourself a glass of rubbing alcohol, top it off with some formaldehyde and cherry juice. I took one sip, ACTUALLY POINTED OFF IN THE DISTANCE SO SOMEONE WOULD LOOK AWAY, and dumped my wine out on the grass, then FAKED LIKE I CHUGGED IT. That happened. In real life. My life is a living sitcom, is what I'm saying. Next up: a very special episode when my daughter gets her period! Or is that when my son brings a homeless man home on Christmas so we all can Learn Something About Compassion? If I was writing that episode, we'd kill him, roll him for whatever change he'd collected, then have a good laugh about how life can be sticky at times. Like our hands.

I got off on a tangent there. I meant to add that I've not been able to drink any wine since. And that makes me sad because I like a glass of vino with dinner. And breakfast, but it's only for the anti-oxidants.

SAVE ME. From myself, true. Nonetheless, I don't wanna look at this same document any more today, BAH.

Oh yeah! I do get to tape another audition tomorrow, and I plan on having Christopher Walken do a schpiel about how the Deer Hunter is actually "hilarious." [It's for an outdoor product store.]

I didn't actually talk with Mr. Walken today, I just entertained myself on the long drive back from an audition taping by improving the copy as Christopher Walken, because that is how my brain works. He waxed philosophic about getting up at 4 am to devour upwards of 2 pounds of genoa salami. Other nights it could be Westphalian ham, because he doesn't understand why it's half the cost of Prosciutto. His parents didn't offer much in the way of supervision as a child, leaving him to ponder the complexities of life on his own. But [insert grocery store I auditioned for's name here] offers amazing and astounding values. On meat. Other things, as well, but you can't beat their meat. Lol.

I've had a few auditions this week and haven't felt very confident during them, and I figured out what was missing: my videographer, bu_doodlebug. She's so fun and lets me just go and go and go. It gets my energy up, and I think that by the time the camera rolls, I'm more subdued, and that's not what you need when your auditioning for, say, Playstation. Der. [She also let me do a dry run through as Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren and Paula Deen, and those four are my solid impressions. Hahaha.]

I've written not one word on my projects today. Now that my energy is coming down from "crack shakes" to manageable energetic mom, I think I'll be able to focus.

And just because it's my all-time favorite impression of Christopher Walken, I leave you with Kevin Pollak's version, because it's freaking hilarious and spot on. (NSFW due to one word at the end.)

Ghostbusters quotes? They're always appropriate. I seriously need some icons with GB quotes. They're a classic for a reason, people! "Oh, that's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there." "What a shame!" Bullet points today because I have a full, jam-packed, bursting at the seams day.

• Lunch with my sister to plan a wedding reception, yay!


• have to get in 1800 words today, can be combined revisions to "Oh My Heck!" and the new super secret bit of fiction I'm working on. (I like adding mystery to my drab, suburban life)


• have to make the decision to either get braces or live with the gap in my teeth. Long story short: this is going to affect my acting career potential, either way. :( Maybe there will be an up tick in need for 30 something ladies with metal mouths? *cry* I can take a bunch of workshops and keep in the memory banks of casting directors, maybe. GAH.


• need to book a hotel room for me and three friends for the first weekend of December for a VEGAS, BABY! fun time and OH MY GOD, that can't come soon enough


• need to hit the costume shop I blogged about last week to get my 80s costume for this weekend's 80s Bash.


• THIS is the must-have fire screen for all pyromaniacs out there.


• I need this for my life to be complete. NEED.

Anyone out there seen the Spanish horror film [REC] ? Came today (way to be timely, Netflix!) and I'm debating watching it alone. Oh, who am I kidding, I love being freaked out.

[ETA] I just got a text from an unknown number telling me that my Stallioncrest saga needs a villain named Night Mare. HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT? (And if you have no idea what Stallioncrest is, hit my tag: horse soap opera. It's EXACTLY what it sounds like. And it's 100% awesome. Lol.)

Speaking of being freaked out, I had a sexy dream about Hugh Laurie last night. Like, a looooong dream of sexy fun times. I a) don't usually have those kind of dreams, b) I've never planted myself on either side of the "I love/hate Hugh Laurie in a sexual context" before, c) I didn't dislike what I dreamed. I'm just saying. (I also have a thing for scruff and salt and pepper foxes, see: my husband for proof.) It's just... highly unusual. But not unwelcomed. But unusual.

In conclusion: tex-mex food is about to get in mah belly. Well, in a few hours. Mmmm, chipotle salsa. I don't know how y'all live outside of Texas, man, the food is just too damn good down here.

Oh my GOD, who doesn't love daylight savings time when it's a gentle and loving caress like yesterday? Screw the break-up jump forward Spring-forward nonsense. Oh, Fall-back In The Fall, I love you best. My chitlins have no school today - parent teacher conferences are scheduled instead. So they get a day off and I have to go to school? What kind of Bizarro world is this? I plan on sitting in the back and doodling centaur pictures of my boyfriend on my notebook.

Speaking of centaurs, did y'all hear that A-Rod (Rodriguez of the Yankees and shtupping Madonna fame) has not one but TWO CENTAUR SELF PORTRAITS hanging in his bedroom? That's the most awesome thing ever. Because what a tool! OMG, I bet he writes Mary Sue fanfic about himself and Derek Jeter ['s Taco hole!] where they congratulate each other in the shower, lots of "Good game, good game!" back slapping then sexy funtimes where Jeter tells A-Rod lovingly in A-Rod's soapy ear how manly and centaur-like he is, at which point A-Rod will invite Jeter back to his place to show him JUST HOW ACCURATE THAT IS. Lol. Someone photoshop a picture of Jeter as a sexy Man-Fairy with a dong so huge you wonder how he can even fly. To which I reply: BY MAGIC. And a pinch of love.

Hey-O, it's Monday and I'm in a mood, whee!

But seriously folks, Vitamin D deficiency is no laughing matter. I dunno, Rickets just makes me laugh, I'm a jerk like that. Weren't we talking about NaNo? YES WE WERE. I know some of you are diving in to the full-deal, some of you are doing your own thing, and some of you are just writing because you write every day like a robot that could rival the terminator in dedication. (And you need to stop that, you're making the rest of us look bad.) My new buddy Chuck Wendig has written what I think is an excellent post about pacing in writing - at one point he compares it to music, and that's it! That's it precisely. It made me think of the Character Mixes I made back when I was writing fanfic, etc. and that bled into my original fic writing, too.

And for me, the sad thing is that the music I need to listen to to continue work on my narrative fiction is all church music. Noooooooo! The hardest part is all of the hand motions to tell the song's story while typing. I get a lot of 'oihtO'[N TCH[ is what I'm saying. So go forth! Listen to something evocative of the spirit of your tale! If that's the crazy music from Benny Hill when they run around chasing big-boobed women, SO BE IT. I'm just saying that I'm a little classier than thou with my Soupy Sales trombone/fart song, I'm just saying.

I have to get in a minimum of 2500 words today. CAN WE DO IT? Sí, puedes! Happy Monday! [Halloween post with pictures to come later - that's labor intensive and I have a word count to get to first.]

OoooOooooh, I'm so excited for tomorrow night. New folks: Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday. We kinda go nuts. The older daughter is going as Samara from Ringu/The Ring (we're timely, no? Eh, she's 12. Hee.) and we're going to "waterlog" her nightgown tonight so it's ready for tomorrow. The Boy decided that he isn't too cool for school and wants to dress up, so as he's a scrawny, skinny dude with dark, flat hair, he's going as the screaming ghost boy from Ju-On/The Grudge because that's how we roll. I'm going to the hardware store in a bit to buy some wood scraps to make a small 2 foot wide section of "stairs" for him to put his face against and have his silent scream down. AWESOME.

I will take copious pictures, and as I'm going as my Blink Angel/Doctor Who statue again, I won't take too many again. I will say that I'm modifying it this year. No mask (I don't think) I'll "sculpt" my face to be evil. Also, I'm using my own hair, but painting it to look like stone. I have a bunch of different colors of paint to make it look stony. WHEE!!

We're going to an awesome party - family friendly! - on Saturday and I am just so excited. I've not been to a Halloween party in ages. Our neighbors are lame. <-- our immediate block neighbors filled with retirees and grump-a-lumps.

Have fun, gets loads of candy, floss, scare the hell out of someone, YAY!!!

• I have an awesome flist. Just putting that out there. :)
• I am NOT going to procrastinate today, I'm going to get a huge list of chores done, revisions done (I FINALLY figured out what is wrong with my ms: I'm trying to do both speculative fiction AND narrative. Pick one, doofus!)
• I am going to do my hardcore yoga today and I AM going to do reverse half-moon, damn it. *cries*
• I am going to put up the rest of the Halloween decorations today. My house without Halloween stuff is like a rainbow without a pot of gold.
• I am going to bake bread, and time willing, I am going to make ginger orange rolls. I MEAN, COME ON. That needs to be in my mouth this second.
• I love Chuck Wendig's blog - he's hilarious. (Warning: he swears a lot, and I - shockingly - have readers that aren't down with the cussin'.) This is my favorite post, mostly because he uses the word "Slugabed." That's now in the daily vernacular. :D
• I dare you to not cry when you see this old man, lifelong Republican, WW2 vet, 54 year married straight man tell his government that equality for marriage is simple: it's American. "What do you think I voted for at Omaha Beach?"
• And to lighten the mood, these panels were made to fit perfectly inside those spam envelopes that come with credit card offers, etc. OH MY GOD, SO FUNNY. Some (cartoon) images are unsafe for work (starting with panel 9, so you can check it out up to that point.) I need to print them off and start sending them.
• These ice cube trays are totally cool. Gin and Titonic. LOL.
• For all of my hyper-organizers (and wanna be organizers) out there, THIS SITE is just freaking amazing. how to declutter your kitchen, woot! The slide show on the right is neat-o pa-tee-to (patio burrito) <-- local joke. :D

Top Chef went ( spoiler crazy and cooked up some monkey brains in tapir foot bowls, who knew? )

Modern Family cracked me the hell up last night. I think every baby should be put in a "Diana Ross from the RC years" wig (I thought that was obvious) and get a portrait taken. I love it.

I just left the most fabulous store, Dallas Vintage. They had PARACHUTE PANTS. In multiple colors! WHITE JEANS. Prom dresses! Like, aqua sequins with multi-tiered skirts! Dress up heaven!! I found a pair of black and white check jeans for my husband to wear to our upcoming 80s party and a purple leopard print sleeveless shirt (aw, yeah!) that's slit on the sides to the waist band. <3 <3 <3 I found some slip on fake Vans at the Walmarts and am hunting around for a Pyromania label that I can make into iron ons and decorate the shoes with those. Now to find a foreign legion hat, and he's ALL DONE.

I'm going to have to go back and shop for just me - the store is seriously overwhelming, there's so much stuff. And the 80s stuff is just one little section... I did see the most monstrously awful (meaning: I want them) pants: gold/rainbow lame HAREM pants with STIRRUPS. Dude. DUDE!! It's either those or try and recreate one of the breakdancers from Chaka Khan's "Feel For You" video, which means I need to find a black and white check pageboy cap and wear something off shoulder. AWESOME.

Once again I remain appalled at the "sexy" costumes for kids. And yes, I consider a 12 year old a kid, too. (Neighbor tried to tell me THIS was acceptable for my daughter. NO. Good hell, look at the poor girl in the picture!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE.)

Just something I needed to read today, and I bet some of you out there need the chuck on the shoulder, too. And if you're not following Janet Reid's fabulous blog about her life as an agent, how to get published, the life of a writer, well, let this serve as a head's up to add it to your blog roll.

And I'm going to take the NaNo plunge for the third time. Let's see if it'll produce anything of note this year. I haven't been much of a writer for a few months, and I think I need to just remind myself of what I love doing. And hate doing. But love. Heh.

But I've seen this one all over my flist and it's the kind I like to do, so here we are, folks. Face to face. A couple of silver spoons. [It's all 80s all the time with me, what can I say. I'm hoping to find we're two of a kind. Making it show. Making it grow, together! We're gonna find our way.... Together! I could keep going on, but I'll spare you. For those who have no idea what I'm doing, here you go.]

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. Like you there and so and so and whatshername. We're tight, like 10 toes in a sock. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

And obviously, there may be some questions I won't answer because it might be seriously cheeky or far too personal. I won't reveal my kids names, my husband's name or work place, that kind of thing. BUT I WILL REVEAL MY SOUL, you only have to ask. Lol.

In other news, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia continues to be one of my all-time favorite comedy shows. If you're not watching, you are missing out big time. Ditto on Glee, which I don't think is being viewed the way it's meant to by some. Huh. And Dollhouse - holy crap, the actor that plays Victor is maybe one of the best character actors I've seen on a TV show, no joke. The guy's range is astounding. And the show is DE-STUR-BING in a great way. Man, I freaking love it. I know it's polarizing, but I like it, I'm bothered and fascinated and squicked and entertained, which is a good thing, imo. Who else is watching FastForward? LOVE. IT. I'm not caught up on this past week's ep, btw. Also, I hear Breaking Bad is great, but I just don't have time for another show just yet. Half of my agency is in that show, too. That and Friday Night Lights. OH THAT I COULD BOOK THAT GIG!! One of my acting buddies is on the upcoming season and sent me pictures with him and Coach Taylor and I died a little from jealousy.

Oh! And while it's not brilliant, I'm enjoying Community. Mostly because I have a total crush on Joel McHale. And with lines like "I think anti-racism is the new racism" making me snort out, I'll keep watching. (And then Chevy Chase went to make a cup of "Condoleeza Rice coffee." They had a color wheel from Seal to Seal's teeth. LOLOLOLOL.) [ETA] And I forgot one of my FAVORITES: Modern Family. I freaking love that show. I think it's smart, funny, sweet at times, and I love how they constantly turn stereotypes around. Funny stuff, and I can't wait for more baby Lily/two gay daddy shenanigans.

Rambling on, it's cold and rainy and soup/cheesy bread weather. YAY!

*total Entrenous shout-out there. Feel better, sweets!

Some of you may remember that I put my office furniture up on Craigslist so I can re-do it in a manner of a lounge. I got a hit from someone yesterday that only wanted specific pieces, could they just have those, can they come see it, etc. After 14 messages later [oy] where they told me their whole schedule for work, dinner plans, etc. they finally came by and dithered over them. Then while the husband started an argument with the wife about how she always buys "crap" the mother interrupted that to tell me all about her daughter getting "knocked up" and not going to college, not even waiting long after graduation to "do it" and the "baby daddy" was in the car not helping them decide what to buy and maybe he wouldn't "get off his ass" to help them carry it to the car, etc.

Oh, the daughter was there. Standing right there with us. So I gracefully excused myself "to let them come to a decision" and they start going through my books. So I gracefully entered my office and engaged them so they would leave my things alone. Then the mother told me about how she hates DELL computers, because they suck. I have a Dell, prominently on display. Which, she points out, is why she wanted to mention it to me.

I JUST DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT, you guys. Why am I that person that attracts the crazies? Why do I have to be "nice" and make people feel like they can tell me their problems and show me their weird moles? I don't want to see your weird mole, YES you should go to the doctor, OH MY GOD. Yo lo creo. No me gusta!! [These people did not, in fact, show me moles. I have had people do that before, however.]

They did buy the furniture, they took their time getting it out, and as soon as the door was shut, I locked the door and let them figure it out from there. (They moved it off to the porch.)

Sometimes we all need reminders (me, included.) Everything happening in your life isn't important. Everything happening in your family's life isn't meant for public consumption. Arguing in public is awful. Insulting (even jokingly) your spouse or child in public (especially) is rotten. It makes everyone want to run away from you. Or it makes me question why I let you in my house and wonder how quickly I can get rid of you. I'm just saying. I've written up some "helpful rules" that maybe need a refresher for some folks. LOL.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a massage so I can blog about that and then later about my boogers and why my kids and husband suck. Because I'm the exception. Ahahahaha. WHEE IT'S FRIDAY!!

It's like you want me to hurt, then. LOL. I'm starting back over on P90X again for fun (my Brainpool buddy totally flaked on me after ONE workout. I never said they were easy!) and after a few weeks of me making up my own workouts I've come to realize this:

• I like being that object that is without motion, and wants to stay without motion. Well, not entirely, but I lose motivation quickly.
• I am easily distracted by shiny things, aka, my laptop or a sleeping cat. (My cat sparkles with awesome, not unlike a certain vampire.)
• I can easily convince myself that because I walked my daughter to school and raced the dog all the way home, that constitutes a proper workout. (Hint: no, it doesn't.)

So yeah, back on that kick. And bailed half-way through the stomach workout because I already started thinking about how to compose my blog post about it. I NEVER SAID I WAS RIGHT IN THE HEAD, PEOPLE.

I'm also dog sitting a very fluffy (read: incredibly musky-stinky, but he can't help that he's a boy dog. They're all stinky.) dog that belongs to my sister, who some of you know from around here. ( background on the dog, and a scary situation that required quick Cesar Milan level skeels of dohm-ee-nah-tion )

[The DOHG WHEES-per-er voice] Look. I'm not trying to hurt heem, I am joost DOH-mee-nating him. I am... the paq LEE-der. Lol.

Also sweet to note: Sally immediately rushed over and put herself between Emily and Otis, then while I dealt with Otis, she hustled Emily back to the stairs. MY DOG IS NANA FROM PETER PAN, I'VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS. <3 <3 <3

I forgot that my daughter had a double header softball game last night, so I didn't get to bake these vegetarian and crazy flavorful-looking pasties yesterday like I had planned, so today is all about making those and another version that has sausage in them. Plus, I'm making crack rocks (aka turkey balls) to be frozen for future use later. YAY BAKE/COOKING DAY. Recipes to follow, if they turn out nummy. Oooh, and eggplant Parmesan is for dinner. Let's see if I can trick my kids into eating it.

Plus I have a "virtual" lunch date with anelith today and an actual lunch date with Brainpool, who I hope to coerce into doing yoga with me tomorrow. Today is a good autumnal day. <3

Do you know many grown women that have their own costume boxes? Don't judge me, I just like playing, lol. So first, I need to finish my costume for Halloween, the lame-ass sister from Troll 2 in her Garfield Aries nightshirt and spiral-permed hair, which will be so indie no one will get it, but I will know, you guys. I will know. I'm working on having her impromptu dance routine down, too. It's the little touches that make a costume truly great. Hahaha. And if you've never seen the worst movie ever made, no really it is, you HAVE to see Troll 2. Mostly because there's not a single troll in it, and the little boy has to pee on their food to keep them from becoming vegetables. NO, REALLY. Lol.

Costume #2 is for a birthday part the week after Halloween that requires the Mr. and I to dress in our best high school gear from the 80s as the birthday boy is turning 40 and wants to relive his youth. Now, I'm only 23, so I have no idea how to dress. *cough* [I'm not really 23. I remember the 80s quite well.] But here's the big problem:

80s?!?! WHICH PART? Early punk? Early Valley Girl with pastels and popped collars? Splatter-painted jeans? Jumpsuits and heels with ankle socks? My Depeche Mode period with shaved head and trench coat and yellow plaid PEGGED jeans? (Yes, that was hot. In the way that wasn't.) Madonna? Poison? Michael Jackson? Hip Hop? WHAT LOOK, ZOMG.

I think a must is shoulder pads, regardless. And really shiny lips and way too much makeup. And crimped hair. Part of me wants to go as a Robert Palmer girl from the Addicted To Love video and carry a Guitar Hero guitar (lol.) So here's where you come in: there's a poll under the cut to help me narrow this down. Please comment if you have any other suggestions, in case I've forgotten something like DYNASTY. Or Carol Seaver! OH MY GOD FACTS OF LIFE/BLAIR!!!! I NEED COUNTESS WILLHEMINA MAKEUP, ahahahahaha. <3

( Maybe I'll just be ALf and be the most comfortable person at the whole party... )

[eta] Oh that you could edit polls! Robert SMITH, not plant. Also: 80s prep, as in Endless Love with broken in jeans, add-a-bead necklaces, and chambray shirts, velvet blazers with wooden buttons! Or Bon Jovi chick look: shapeless white mock-turtleneck tucked in to pegged/tapers acid-wash jeans that had those two triangle flaps that folded over where your belt would go, black, scrunched flat ankle boots. HAWT. Conch-shell belts over your prairie skirt! Frankie Says t-shirts! THE LOOKS ARE ENDLESS.

I just had to explain what "kitchen sink" means in a joke. You know the one about "it has everything but the kitchen sink?"

You know what makes jokes funnier? Explaining what makes them funny. Especially when the joke wasn't a knee slapper in the beginning. Hey, you there, reader: pull my finger.

(See, the joke is, I'm going to fart when you pull my finger. Except that you're reading this and possibly many miles away, so you can't pull my finger. It's a tragicomedy!)

Wow. I see many pounds of wine in my future this evening. And maybe Team America. And feel free to make crack fic suggestions in comments so I can get this party switch flipped into the "on" position. Oy.

Grumpy grumpy grumpy today. The Mr. left for a week long trip, starting off a 10 month-long project of weekly travel. He also woke me by giving me a rundown of what was wrong with everyone [the boy woke up late, there wasn't any bread - I went to the store yesterday, called and ASKED IF I NEEDED TO GET ANYTHING, the dogs puked on the rug, gah], and I had 10 minutes to solve everything before running The Boy to early morning practice. Before coffee. Which, notice that none was made by the person who had been up for an hour. Now, I ask you! Come on, dude. *head desk*

Then, I had a doctor's appointment where - you know what? It set me off so much that I'm not even going to repeat it. Suffice it to say that she said something jerky, I called her on it, and hopefully that learned her up some. I don't need to infect anyone else with that grumpiness.

My pants are tight, I'm on my monthlies, my floor needs mopping, my hair is frizzed, and I'm completely surrounded by a lack of chocolate. :( I feel like stomping around the house and making angry faces. I think I'll do that until the dogs start sniffing their butts and giving me looks, which should chasten me and put me to rights. Or my cat will turn her back to me until I get with the program. It's hard to stay mad for long when you have a fluffy cat that is trying to teach you a lesson.

....

It is sunny and beautiful outside, maybe I should go out there with a book and just forget getting anything else done today... If anyone could find a way to airlift some brownies my way (or nachos, I'm not picky) that would be super fantastic.

this post brought to you by my goal to do NaNo this year and realizing that my last year's project was my book and I've stopped submitting it and I hate trying to write because I suck at it. GAAAAAAAAAH.

And I'm sure I'm not alone. Now, I loved that book. Loved reading it to my kids, loved it as a kid. All of Sendaks books made me happy - the simple drawings that felt more real at times than other books. His pictures look like how we drew as kids and how our brains thought up imaginary images. Ditto on Dr. Seuss drawings, for me at least.

But while I loved that book, I had to read it to myself. I can't think of any books that my mother read to me. My older sister read to me, but I learned to read when I was 3 so I guess my mom figured I had it all under control. I've made no bones about how I had an absentee mother at the best of times and a really horrible mother at the worst. ( This is not about Where The Wild Things Are, but about motherhood and parenting and my most favorite book that taught me how to be both. )

We now return you to your regular programming of memes and whatever else isn't my sap-fest. :) And yes, that's me holding my days old baby in my arms. There's no other smell like a newborn baby - it's the smell of love. Sappy as that sounds, it's the honest truth. <3

I've been quiet about the trial that's going on because so much of it is just plain upsetting to me, so I've avoided it. But I was asked a question about a specific issue (won't go into detail) and came across this post. That's the potentially triggery stuff, btw. Never forget that this organization isn't some hippie, feel good "we just want to worship our God" religion. This is an outfit that went about specifically targeting YOUNG (as in: seriously under aged) girls to make them subservient and to be breeders. That's all women are good for, they can serve no leadership positions, their advice isn't wanted (and can get them a pop in the mouth or a few days in the potato shed for speaking out of turn) and they are systematically beaten and broken down until there's nothing left.

If I read one more comment on a blog about how they're "just wanting to practice their religion" I'm going to fly off in a rage. Or create a religion where I get to take anything of yours I want and rock out on amyl poppers. What? It's what my god wants me to do!

(Important to note: even old time FLDS folks - read: pre Warren Jeffs - were shocked by the temple bed. But the more secretive these people get, the more crazy stuff they do. Like how apparently Jeffs kept TAPES OF HIMSELF CONSUMMATING HIS "MARRIAGES" TO YOUNG GIRLS.)

I will never forget the shock I felt when I got a question from the State Troopers re: the original bust and they asked if there were beds in the temples. There are padded altars. This whole thing is just a gross distortion of the original weirdness. (Here's what Mormon temple altars look like.) I MEAN, HELLO.

Geh. In other news, I've completely gutted my office, selling off the furniture, painting walls, etc. and I'm wanting to put in this coffee table and a bunch of comfy chairs and have a relaxed space. No more formal office for me, I think. We're all laptop users now, so why have a desk designed for a PC? Exactly.

I have hummingbirds all over my Mexican bush sage out front. <3

First, the movie: I just got back from seeing Paranormal Activity, that scary movie I mentioned a while back. 1. If you haven't seen the trailer, DON'T. I think it puts too much in it, after having seen it. (I kinda hate when trailers do that.) 2. ( talk with mild spoilers - I DO NOT give away major plot points, and I hope you won't either. )

Scary man: who watched Oprah's interview of Mike Tyson yesterday? I have to tell y'all, I've been a boxing fan FOR YEARS. Loved it. Saw Evander Hollyfield win the title in the 90s when I was living outside of Las Vegas, grew up watching Sugar Ray with my dad... loved it. I'd never seen someone work like Tyson did in the ring. The man was an absolute gladiator. A primal warrior, but do not ever make the mistake and think the man isn't smart. Mike Tyson is maybe the best boxer of all time, but will never be that because of his broken, broken mind. And if you didn't realize it, boxing is all about calculations. You can't be a dummy and fight well, unless you're Tom Cruise in a bare-knuckle boxing movie. Lol. Now, you can be KNOCKED stupid, see George Foreman. But Foreman trained to be a brick that could be hit and hit and hit, then, when his competitor was worn out, he'd throw a punch and win. He won by endurance. Yeesh.

[ETA] Here's a clip of Tyson's knockouts.

He talked about being terrorized as a kid, his dad beating the hell out of his mom. living on the streets (I think he had been arrested over 30 times by the time he was 13.) and I couldn't help but notice Oprah, her normal "I'm freakin' Oprah, people" bravado GONE sitting next to him. If you watch it, notice when she reaches over to pat his knee and her whole demeanor changes. The man is a brick, and I'm sure bundled energy, too. She shifted in her seat and wouldn't get any closer to him.

Regardless of changes he's made, regardless of how he's realizing the mistakes he's made, he's Mike Freaking Tyson. What do you do if he loses control? Run, that's what. He just made me sad, though. He thought drug dealers didn't come after him (he would dare them to try and take their money) because they felt sorry for him. And there was no guile, nothing, just "I am this horrible, pathetic thing, now." It's sad to see that the man is capable of intelligence, deep thoughts, no, really - but because he was never given the real tool of language, all he can do is stumble with words and try and communicate in his broken way.

There are moments when you hear him and you know what he's trying to say and know that he can't. He reminded me painfully of my ex-husband - same sad beginnings, same inability to communicate, same resorting to violence because there's no impulse control, and because you're taught that's what a man does. Absolutely fascinating interview and I'm definitely going to watch the documentary just released about him.

In the meantime, I have a plate of fudge I made and it's calling my name. I need some sweetness. (And I just got my copy of The Last Unicorn and The Neverending Story books - books I've never read! How is that possible??)

The BFF surprised me with a visit for the week, so I've been having fun with her and the dogs all week. (She brought her wee little red healer for Sally Derg to play with.) Yesterday we went to the State Fair and did some pretty awesome people watching. There's nothing quite like carnies selling fried foods. You may have heard that the Texas State Fair was selling fried butter this year. (It's always something fried here.) Well, we had to give it a try. Verdict? DISAPPOINTED. We were expecting (and cringing in anticipation) butter pats in a tempura batter with powdered sugar, or the like. It was basically dough balls that were just greasy with butter, which were then deep fried like a hush puppy. Gross.

We took a bite of one, made a face, and tossed them. Two years ago they had fried cappuccinos, and those were amazing. Delicate coffee flavored puff pastries with a scoop of ice cream (coffee flavored) over the top, a little whipped cream and a dusting of nutmeg and cinnamon over the top. Delish!

We also met the owner of the runner up to the blue-ribbon steer and he talked to us while we cuddled the 2600 pound bull. Holy crap, that was a huge animal. We missed the fancy chickens by a day (woe! I love the fancy chickens! They're the drag queens of the avian world. Well, the short drag queens. Peacocks are the RuPauls.) but all of the goats were getting gussied up for judging later that day. Oh my god, so funny. Each goat was loaded up on a platform with a cushioned chin rest, and their owner would hook up a dry vac and blow off dirt from their hides. You could tell that a lot of the goats loooooved it. Mmmmm, clean me! Then, there were special "floofing" brushes to puff and floof their hairs and make them pretty.

Hahahahaha, animals are rad. Also, we talked to many hot cops that were on their horses. Under the guise of petting and admiring the horses, of course. Lol. I love the state fair! Such craziness! Butter sculptures! Canned goods wars! Creepy hand-made dolls! Exhibits of spas and random magnetic crap that does nothing! A TOOTH WHITENING BOOTH. Who the hell gets their teeth whitened by some dude in a tent at a FAIR? Loads of people, evidently. Oh! And there was a booth dedicated to SCIENTIFICALLY proving that the earth was only 6000 years old, and an astrological clock that shows that the Rapture will happen in a few months, so get ready, folks! Wow. That is just crazy. CRAZY AWESOME.

Today I'm teaching the BFF how to make bread, then we're going out to dinner with my family. LOVELY. I hope everyone has a great Friday and weekend, too!

I love the south. Love it. But I love these clips from Shirley Q Liquor even more. (Campy drag queen doing the best Delta stereotypical voice there is.) Lawd, I've been wiping tears all morning.

Axe ya mama bout her tomatoes. W-A-L-M-A-R-K. There's a walkmarks near err-body. "I got 19 chirrins." "How old are they?" "Oh, lord! Well, I think they all under eleven." The one about being a church slave had me pounding my fist, laughing my butt off. She's talking about a hat she made out of wood and stick on "diamonds" and that Jesus would love it. "I werr dat fer his gler." (Glory.) TEARS. Tears running down my face. Ahahahahaha.

I think I may need to go as her for Halloween this year. I think this needs t happen. Except, in tradition of American women, I'll go as a slutty version of her. LOL. My sister last year went as a slutty slut, and her fiance went as a slutty cat. No, really. I love my family.

I'm a little out of it this morning, what? YES it's not PC. YES it's possibly offensive to someone. Let me root around in my purse for some care... Laugh or do not laugh, there is no try. WHEEEE MONDAY!

(Oh, and I'm wrapping up Perfume, The Story of A Murderer and it's FABULOUS. If you're looking for a fantastic story that sucks you in with wonderful writing and characters, that's the one. Whomever translated it from the original German to English did an outstanding job. Big thumbs up.)

I needed some levity after a stressful week. I also need to get rid of some outdated furniture that is taking up precious space in my house. I also have a deep need to write parody songs. A DEEP NEED. And so I've been rewriting classic songs to work into a Craigslist posting for this stuff I'm getting rid of. This is my brain on drugs. By which I mean air. (Pfft, I'm totally addicted to air, I won't even lie.)

( Old Man by Neil Young; what am I selling? A bench. )

( The Pina Colada song by Rupert Holmes; what am I selling? Office furniture. )

( Teach Your Children by Crosby, Stills and Nash; what am I selling? A Steck console [piano] )

See? It's not all Srs Bznss here. I also got some new head shots taken for my agency and I'm am well pleased with the exception that I have no idea how to wear stage makeup anymore. I'm such a tom boy. I need to sit in a chair and have a professional teach me how to slap some paint on again. We're all still wearing blue eye shadow and Dr. Pepper lipsmackers, right? Lol. I also took one with a wonky eye because I don't know how to be serious. Also, I'm a character actress, dammit. Give me the crazy part every time!

No, that's not me saying it, it's philosopher Bernard Henri-Levy, in his attempt to let the Swiss gov't know that they should release CONVICTED pedophile and rapist Roman Polanski from extradition to the US.

It's important to note that Polanski was FOUND GUILTY. And he even plea bargained for lesser charges, after admitting his guilt. That he did something unlawful and unconscionable isn't in question. No, it's not, Hollywood. He admitted it, it was found to be true. He was too precious to be thrown in jail, so many people helped him escape so he could vacation in the south of France for the past 31 years. Boo hoo. Because I'm sure he missed Rosco's Chicken and Waffles and Boston traffic for the past 31 years, what a hardship.

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS CASE IS ABOUT: ( I am putting it here because it's awful and triggering for some folks. ) If you can stomach it, here are the court documents detailing this even further.

I tend to take umbrage with the word "elite." It's usually applied by people who champion mediocrity and use it against intellectuals who don't. But in this case, this is the artistic elite who are COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH with actual human beings. These are people who live a life a privilege, people who get what they want, when they want, and as much as they want. People who don't worry about traffic laws, about paying bills on time (if even paying for all of their bills) people who don't have to worry about things The Common Man does. Tough titty, said the kitty. You are not above us. You are not above the laws of humans.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: Harvey Weinstein, who is known to strong arm people in the industry, has been "emailing everyone [he] knows" telling them to support Polanski on this. So. I mentioned to Kita last night that I think a lot of the people signing this petition in defense are being coerced into it. Which doesn't make it ok, it just explains a few things. You have the man that gets people their Oscars and the director of the freaking Cannes film festival telling you to sign. Well, this should just serve as a reminder that actors, directors, etc. are all just weak people, too. They're not special inside, that's not why they're on your screen. They're pretty. They emote well. They memorize lines. They write beautiful words. They create camera angles that evoke memories both wonderful and painful for us. BUT. They're not EMTs. They're not teachers. They're not firemen that risk their lives daily for strangers. They're not working to cure cancer. They make entertainment for those of us that do. WE NEED TO STOP HOLDING THEM ABOVE US. And this, coming from a wanna be actress and writer. (One that isn't friends with many other actors because they tend to be weak douche bags looking for their next gig and doing whatever it takes to get it.)

In the words of Luc Besson, who is close friends with Polanski and still refused to sign the petition, "There is but one justice, and that should be the same for everyone." He continued and said, "...I have a daughter, 13 years old. And if she was violated, nothing would be the same, even 30 years later." Well said, sir.

WOMEN: this event took place in a time when we didn't have our voices. When sexual harassment was the norm, when women could be raped because of how they dressed, when we were what assisted Great Men to become just that. No woman that I can respect will support Polanski. No woman. This is an excellent article. Even though crimes were committed long ago, IT MEANS SOMETHING TO THE WORLD THAT JUSTICE BE SERVED. It's not about the young woman who was violated, not any longer. She's found her peace with this, and mostly out of necessity to get away from the media coverage. It is about the PERSON THAT COMMITTED A CRIME. And let me put this in perspective: Elizabeth Smart was 15 when she was raped and abducted. Two years OLDER. And she didn't want anything done to Brian David Mitchell, her abductor. But because we decided as a society, east and west, to protect our children and to be their advocates, it is time we were.

I know I'm not bringing anything new to this. But I've been sick to my stomach about this for days. I've never seen Chinatown. I never will. Yes, it's a fabulous film, I'm told. And? It was made when this happened. I accidentally saw The Pianist, not knowing it was his film. And I will never watch it again. It's my own protest, my own way of speaking up for all young women who were violated in some way and never had justice served for them. I don't give a shit if it's Jesus or Ghandi or whoever: you committed a crime, you must pay the penalty for that, period.

[ETA] It appears that France is backing down on its call to release Polanski. Uh huh. Saw that backlash and started thinking, huh? I like France. I'm glad the leaders are seeing reason. (They had evidently written Hillary Clinton asking for his release. OH HELL NO, I would hope she replied.)

[ETA 2] Here is a picture of the victim when she was 13 and recently. I just read a comment from a man that called us (those that are sickened by this man's acts) the Christian Taliban. Another supporter chided the US for how long Polanski was supposed to spend in jail as in Finland, a "reasonable sentence would be a few months for a first time offender." I wonder how many of those offenders go on to be second timers? Are these people for real?!

Look. I'm spammy today. But it's Monday, the weather is weird, I'm avoiding housework, and I was linked to a WONDERFULLY HORRIBLE story. And I loved it so much, I made a podcast with me reading the story as a Ukrainian immigrant. With no offense meant to any Ukrainians, I find you to be lovely people. I just wanted to be a little ridiculous, and believe me, my phony accent is completely ridiculous.

Here! Listen to me read you a bed time story!

or...

Here! Read along with me as we share special times together! FUN TIMES FOR MONDAY. (No swear words, just... the story is Bart and Lisa Simpson making a baby while freezing on a mountain. WHAT.)

YOU'RE WELCOME.

First, I want to remind you that you can watch Blood on the Highway, the tour de force vampire comedy-horror movie I am in with Nicholas Brendon and Tom Towles on Comcast On Demand as well as through Time Warner Cable's Video on Demand. For a lousy $3.95 - the price of a cup of expensive coffee - you can laugh, cringe, laugh, and cringe and point at me while cringing and laughing. What's not to love?

"But Stoney," you might be saying, "I don't like you." Then I would say that you can mock my overweight, chubby body in unattractive clothing and makeup and scowl at my filthy mouth! And I would say this while flipping you the bird, because what did I ever do to you? Aside from stealing your boyfriend AND your girlfriend, I mean.

"But Stoney," you might continue saying (and seriously, I have laundry to do, wrap it up), "I don't know if you're worth $3.95. Sometimes low budget movies are so bad I want to throw puppies at nuns until they bleed from it."

Well, don't take my word, then! Here are just a few reviews where people are so blown away by the hilarity and awesome that they're starting religions based around the movie! (No, they're not, but that's a religion to which I would gladly tithe.) Lol. *cough* I'm Lynnette in the movie, btw. :) And the first link is a great sci-fi/all things geek (like me!) site, not just a place for me to bask in their glowing review. Ha.

And if you're in Germany, you get the FIRST DVD RELEASE HONORS! (France gets us on Blu-ray next week. Why? WHY NOT.) I like the subtitle of our movie: "Titty Twister War Gestern!" What?! Ach, Germans, liebe ich Sie.) I'll put it to you like this: the more people in the U.S. watch it on demand, the sooner it will come out on DVD here. So. GET CRACKING!

In other news, I went fancy dress shopping with my sister dampersnspoons yesterday for some upcoming nuptials (hers!) and had a great day. And I was reminded how ADD I am, I just can't hold a thought/conversation while there are things buzzing all around me. Gah. And note to girls out there that are looking for beautiful dresses in plus sizes. Neiman's had some GORGEOUS gowns - they went to size 16, but Dillards wins hands down. Pretty pretty dresses and I noted that they went up in the 20s. So. Should you be looking for some special occasion clothing (or any clothing) Dillards caters to the majority of US women. :) It's about time someone made great clothes for you, am I right?

But I spent my money in Nordstroms on their frilly underthings. What is it about a pretty bra and panty set that just makes a girl feel great? <3 I was properly sized while there, and man, has my size changed since getting fit! I mean, duh, but whoo boy. Nothing like a properly fitted bra to make you like yourself! (Oh, and for you large and in charge ladies, Nordtroms also caters to you. Bra sizes up through J!) And if you've never been fitted for your bra size, CUT THAT OUT. Go get sized and rid yourself of back fat/stooped shoulders. :) I'll get off my soapbox now. (If only to oogle your newly fitted hot self. Heh.)

TV: Um, I had NO IDEA that Jack Davenport is on FlashForward. And I had no idea how AWESOME that show is. (Finally caught up on my DVR last night.) Did anyone else catch the LOST reference in the beginning!?!? (And I freaking loved Modern Family. I love you, Ty Burrell. Never stop doing what you do.)

I haven't responded to a bunch of comments, and I'm sorry for that, but I just am low on time.

HOWEVER. I felt that I would be doing y'all a disservice if I didn't share these perverted and hilarious planters with you. How can a planter be perverted? Check the link. (Small enough that you could get away with looking at it at work. But the perverted planter thing should tip you off.)

Also, this website is my new favorite thing. Sassy, dirty mouthed women that like a pretty house and yummy food? It's like they KNOW ME. LOL.

I need to get a hair cut (something new, I'm BORED with myself) bake up some carrot cake cupcakes with chevre frosting (oh my god) make ortho appointments, re-book my AFF skydiving class/jump that I missed because of our incessant rain, and maybe mop my floors for once. Hmm. Take a guess on what won't get done today! Wheeee, almost the weekend!

[ETA] I forgot! Tomorrow is Free Museum Day, courtesy of the Smithsonian. Check out this link to find which museums are participating in your area. AWESOME.

Ahahaha. I realized that there are way too many words in the title, but dammit, it's Carrot soup with ginger and curry and coconut. And skrimps. Most cream of carrot soup recipes have OJ in them (whyyyyy?) or way too much onion, or some other thing that I can taste over the deliciousness that I WANT to taste. So I made this up last night. It turned out so good! Recipe and a PICTURE (I'm fancy) under the cut.

( It's beginning to smell a lot like autumn... )

In other news, a friend posted this clip on his FB yesterday and I forgot how much I loved Strangers With Candy. I'm ashamed of myself, too. How could I forget the awesome? So if I may borrow from him these words... "In these times of political rancor, let's have a frank discussion about racism." Thank you, Principal Blackman and Percy Kittens. Lol.

In other other news, I've started P90X over again to motivate my friend, Brainpool. It feels pretty bad ass to be able to keep up with the folks on the video and remember how I couldn't do hardly half of the workout. *flexes* And THAT is why I have no qualms about eating soup with coconut milk in it. :D (Well, and I use the healthy milk, but still. Heh.)

It seems that LJ is making available to people with paid/permanent accounts the ability to put Google AdSense ads on your LJ, thereby earning you a little dosh, should you have a high enough hit count to your post.

It's - of course - sparked a huge debate over on the link where this was announced. My question to you is, are you for, or against this, and why?

I'm pretty meh on it - I see ads everywhere I go online, so I ain't bovvered. Plus, if it puts money in someone's pocket, what's that to me? But of course, my thoughts on the matter are just that, mine. So what are yours?

To sweeten the deal, allow me to link you to a funny (AND NOT WORK SAFE) video of a comedian/rapper, who just happens to be the VERY FIRST BOY I EVER DATED. He's quite handsome, still. Oh, my stupid lame LDS upbringing, preventing me from making out with him when I had a chance... Lol. (Hee, I can remember the outfit I wore on our first date, and everything: navy blue off the shoulder sweater with white piping, very naval-inspired, and a white pencil skirt and white espadrilles. He wore skater punk chic and I thought he was the hottest thing EVAH.)

Off topic, what did you think of House last night? Most likely will be spoilers in the comments.

I accidentally posted without locking it down. It was about my son and used my children's actual names, so I've gone back and locked it down. No offense meant to anyone that can no longer see it, it's just that it's about my kids. :)

To make up for being dumb, let me offer you a spoiler for the latest Dan Brown book: SNAPE KILLS LANGDON. (lol.)

Slug on my leg slug on my leg slug on my leg SLUG on my freaking LEG MEAT!!!!!

After my run this morning I poked around in the garden, clearing out weeds, etc. We've had CRAZY rain for over a week now, and it's just getting out of control. I got covered in mud and mulch and leaves, as one does, and as I came in, I stomped my feet hard to get everything loose before coming inside. I;'m still a little muddy because it's MUDDY outside. I see a mess the cats made and start cleaning that up before heading to the shower, then see some crumbs on the floor, so go sweep that... I have issues with dirt, what can I say.

What I'm getting at is that I had a good 10, 15 minutes of ambling about in the kitchen and felt something weird on my shin. THERE WAS A SLUG. ON MY LEG. *cries* Slugs gross me the hell out. Slugs and snails, never ever ever will I like them, sorry. My house has been COVERED in baby snails for days due to the rain and I feel like I'm living in a horror movie. GROSS. Gross gross gross.

In other news, the movie Paranormal Activity looks like it might be one of the best horror movies of all time. OF ALL TIME. Why isn't it playing in my town yet, dangit?! (NOTE: I prefer going into to horror movies as blank as possible, so I don't want to talk about it other than it looks freaky, please. Too much knowledge ruins that type of movie, imo. See: The Descent and my COMPLETE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE of what it was about, therefore I almost had a heart attack at the pivotal scene that I won't spoil you for, if you've not seen it. AWESOME.)

I'm off to Karen Silkwood shower. How sad that only a handful of you get that reference... Wait, does that make us the sad ones? Lol.

Someone has just told me that my "a theesm [sic] and the loss of Marshall Law" *cough* is the reason why the world is going to hell in a hand basket. And this was all prompted by a rant someone posted on their FB (locked) about how the US shouldn't ratify the UN-CRC (a document that basically insures children's rights around the world. You know, to keep things like that 12 year old Yemen girl from dying in childbirth. Clearly that is a godless and dangerous idea?) We need more god and guns, you see. That could mean I couldn't use the rod to keep my child from being spoilt, that's what's wrong with the world! That and my "a theesm." And the lack of Marshall Law. Who is Marshall, and what was the verdict?

It's very hard to have an intellectual discussion with someone who has brought no intellect to the table.

In other news, I continued my random acts of silly by getting a pumpkin-spice latte at Starbucks and singing Metallica at the barista, who wore a "Coffee Master" apron. Master! Master! Master of Coffee is grinding my beans!

I got my coffee for free, and a laugh at that person's expense I MEANT TO SAY I got to laugh at the Marshall Law person's expense. My coffee dude and I talked like Yoda and cracked some D&D jokes, we were cool, lol. Score one for me. (I'm spammy today, sorry.)

It's rained non-stop for a week now, and with all of the flash floods, etc., we've been mostly indoors, as has (evidently) every one else. Which means that the locals have some serious cabin fever happening. I'm guessing that this is the cause for some of the... snippy behavior I'm seeing everywhere. People without patience, acting testy and snotty, etc. Example: yesterday as I was driving through a parking lot, one woman decided she needed to back out without worrying about my SUV about to pulverize her Cadillac. I tapped my horn, thinking she hadn't bothered looking around before hitting reverse [after all, she probably had a muy importante bunko planning call on her cell phone, or something] and she laid on her horn, then RACED AFTER ME in the parking lot, then looped back around when I got out of my car to intimidate me. Um... This is the second time in a year this has happened. People? Don't do threatening shit. I'm clearly not a threat (hahaha, I totally am, though) but they don't know I'm not packing heat, because THIS IS TEXAS. Everyone has guns. Lol. My guns are my arms. HEEEEEE.

Anyhoodle. This morning after walking Emily to school, Miss Sally Derg and I are on our drag/run (Sally is still hating exercise) and there's a huge line of cars waiting to pull in and drop off their kids. You can see that people are getting testy in their cars. I had to stop and wait for traffic and a groovy song came on my iPod so, while Sally is sitting calmly waiting for the light to change with her tail thumping (we weren't moving, you see. Happiness for her.) I started busting a groove. I mean totally ridiculous dancing with a goofy face, because hey. It's drizzling, funky music is playing, and people are being weird because OH MY GOD I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE IN MY CAR, RAAAAAGE and that cracks me up.

And while one of the two cars closest to me had a woman that was clearly embarrassed for me, the other lady started laughing and car dancing. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to do something completely goofy and fun in the presence of someone grumpy. Randomly. Silly. Do the robot while waiting in line at the bank. Grab one leg, put the other hand behind your head, and pump that leg like you're Bobby Brown in the checkout stand at the grocers. Something. Anything. Do it! Then post this idea to YOUR journal. Get other people to do it, too. It'll be like the LJ version of a flash mob. (shout out, poshcat!)

Don't you think we should do something like this every few weeks? I love it when I catch people being silly. And clearly I don't embarrass easily. :) [and if you need help, do it around a little kid. You can excuse any silliness on just you trying to entertain a baby, right? Hee.]

HAPPY TUESDAY! [ETA] If you want, here's the song I was listening to, the very non-PC "Get Low" with Lil John [Yeah!] and the Yin Yang Twins. This song makes me laugh my butt off. "I done been to the club 'bout fifty-eleven times, can I play witcho panty line?" WOW. LOL.

Let's face it, I'm in Texas. It's not going to get cold any time soon. However! It's been raining for the past several days, which means that we've hit a chilly mid-70s. Ahahaha. Soup weather! I perfected my chicken tortilla soup recipe, and I'm not kidding, it's fantastic. I like it brothy and flavorful. I don't like mounds of cheese and a greasy sheen of oil, either, so this is a pretty healthy soup. Um, and it's spicy. I'm not gonna lie to you. I will say that the spice is all bark, and no long-time bite. I've started uploading some of my recipes (meaning, things I've made up, not recipes I've made from other sources) to The Pioneer Woman's Tasty Kitchen site - it's chock-full of awesomeness, btw.

( Chicken Tortilla Soup, the really good version. )

Tonight I change directions and make some wilted ginger/garlic bok choy and hot and sour soup. I AM READY FOR COLD WEATHER. Well, my kind of cold, not real cold. Heh.

So was everyone as underwhelmed by True Blood as I was? Meh. With, of course, the exception of the always awesome Jason "Kid Glock" Stackhouse and Hoyt Fortenberry. I love those characters. There will probably be spoilers cropping up in comments, for those that need that warning.

I read the phrase "deep-seated" and was taken aback. I have ALWAYS thought that the phrase was "deep-seeded." Here's my thinking on why:

deep-seeded racism. Meaning, the racist ideas, etc. are buried deep, hence the seed metaphor. Yes, I am a gardener, this is how I think, lol.

So, if I'm wrong, what does "seat" refer to? Is this one of those turns of phrase that came from something else, a la, "mad as a hatter?" I'm corn-fused.

Also, I went to a fancy schmancy restaurant last night and had the Chef-Tasting/Pairing Course (3) and it was... oh my god, it wasn't good. This guy thought he was on Top Chef and I wanted to be Daddy Tom telling him why it was terrible. And the wine!! So mediocre and! And! The dessert course I got a Bailey's over ice (it's a WINE tasting) and a creme brulee soaked in coffee liquer. Now in theory, that sounds awesome. In execution it was sugar shock and soupy. Huh. (My main course was a fabulous chimichurri sauce over a Cowboy Rib eye. I would like to point out that I'm kinda small. Kinda. A cowboy Ribeye is almost 2 pounds of beef. Good. Lord. And it was a fatty cut of meat, too. I told him that it would have been better to match the sauce - which was perfect - with something small like a fillet Mignon, esp. a buffalo fillet.) Eh. The service was lousy, too. Hotel ZaZa is great, but I can't recommend their restaurant, Dragonfly. Three stars when they put on airs like they're 5. No, you're not.

ETA Check this article that compares the two: deep-seated and deep-seeded. THE PLOT THICKENS! (And thank you everyone that is chiming in.)

The fantastically inappropriate, hilarious, disgusting horror movie that I am in (with cameos by Buffy's Nicholas Brendon and the world's Tom Towles) is being made available by Time Warner Cable through their Video on Demand feature. Navigate to the "World Premiere" feature and witness the awesome that is low-budget but high-comedy horror genre gross out movie-opoloisting. (Cataloging movies is for wussies.)

As my soon-to-be brother-in-law (who 1. wrote the movie 2. plays a hilarious frat boy and 3. I have "sex" with on screen, no that wasn't awkward for my sister - the costumer - to watch, why do you ask?) wrote on his Facebook page:

See the movie Hollywood California is calling "So balls out sweet, it's like kickboxing a kickboxing shark," and Famous Acting Celebrities are declaring "The literal film equivalent to eleven simultaneous g spot orgasms."

I don't know how to top that, but I'll try:

Sophie's Choice. Citizen Kane. Casablanca. A Streetcar Named Desire. Blood on the Highway. What do all of these movies have in common? One word, and one word only: AWESOMENESS. And Russians. And wife beaters on hot dudes. Every one of those movies has all of that, and yet somehow Blood on the Highway is more. So much more. It has blood, whores, vampires, bear traps, and dick jokes. BLOOD ON THE HIGHWAY: see it or get beat up by the AV squad.

Every time you see this movie a kitten keeps its claws. Every time you don't? A clown humps your mother. BLOOD ON THE HIGHWAY!*

*for more background on this kick booty movie, click the BotH tag. The movie is being released in October on Blu-ray in... France. It makes sense if you squint. Still waiting to hear the dvd release date for other countries.

ETA Do you read French? Proof that they love us. (Or that they hate us, I don't speak French.) ( A Babelfish'd Translation of Hilarity. )
I appreciate being a heroin that projectiles my joyusement to the world. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'm feeling a bit blue today (I blame it on a lack of sleep + head cold that won't quit) so this website is cracking me up. (click the words to refresh the page) Incidentally, it's against Congress' rules of decorum and debate to yell out inflammatory remarks like Joe Wilson did. Just as a by the way. And as a just by the way #2, Wilson was also the guy that thought that uppity illegitimate love child of Strom Thurmond should have shut her trap about being who she was because she "diminished [Strom's] contributions to our country's existence."

I enjoyed (mostly) last night's ep of Glee, although I don't see what Will (the teacher) sees in his wife. It's not about the background they've created for the character, it's something about the actress that plays the wife that is just off. I don't get a maniacal golddigger quality from her. The Guidance Counselor's actress is a far better actress.

And off topic for y'all, but hilarious for me, last night's ep reminded me of my (soon to be) brother in law doing a lip-synced performance of Technotronic's "Jam On It" for his high school. And no, he's not gay. Of course they all thought he was, after that. LOL.

In other news, I have too much to do, not enough time to do it, including trying to figure out a way to hook up with a friend tonight while being a "single mom" as my husband is out of town, working on my book (I haven't in months, I just feel rather hopeless about it) getting my house back to cleanliness, becoming a famous actress while not being able to network properly or devote enough time to taking useless classes (sorry, but they exist to network, not to make crappy actors better) and not get freaked out by the fact that I have my first solo skydive on Saturday, causing me to miss my son's first cross country meet.

I'm crawling back in bed now. Wake me when things get back to order. And someone send me a catalog for wives, I think I could use one.

I know this is a double post, and I know I haven't replied to other comments, but come on. This is totally worth it. I was at the Asian Market stocking up on some staples, and hit the dried fungus aisle. There were some ready-to-go soups that looked interesting. *Understatement.



I put that one back on the shelf. (Second to last ingredient.)

ETA I am disappointed in you guys. Not ONE cream of sum yun gi joke??

1. My nose is totally clogged up. I want to climb back in bed. Who needs to finish laundry, mop, clean bathrooms before they create new lifeforms when you can sleep and be lazy? *raises hand* Oh, that's right, I have to do those things.

2. In WHEEE! news, today and tomorrow are my son's Science Fair proposal days. Note to new folks: Science Fair is my Graceland. It is my Woodstock, my Manolo Blahnics, my [insert your greatest love] here. My kid has the following ideas (one of which was inspired by me, the other by a cool program on NPR yesterday:)

• molecular engineering, we're not sure which bacteria we can engineer, though. I'll need to get on the horn with the Science Dept. at Southwestern to see if we can use their lab.
• converting the house to human generated and solar energy. This one will require the most materials, but that might pay for itself if we can actually get off the grid. With five people in the house pedaling a bike... It's feasible.

This ain't yo daddy's science fair.

3. I baked two loaves of bread yesterday after a summer-long hiatus from my weekly baking. I'm down to 1/4 of one loaf. Looks like the family missed proper bread.

4. I want to lose my office furniture and streamline it. No more things on carpet, I want everything up on the wall. Floating table, floating shelves... And my butt would prefer a drafting table, I think. I'll still have a chair, but I love standing up more than I love sitting down.

5. About a year ago (I think) we found an orange tabby that was SO CUTE. Little tiny baby with white boots. Wandering around the neighborhood, meowing. We took it in, promptly named him Fred Weasley, and then discovered that he had a chip. Called the owner, turns out he lived a few doors down, and when I asked him to describe the cat (I wanted to be sure it was going to the right owner, after all) the man was surly, told me to "shove the cat under the back gate" and hung up. Guess what teenager cat was hanging out in my garden? Oh, and those neighbors MOVED LAST SPRING. I'm trying to lure Fred (lol) to my porch so I can check and see if he's been fixed and maybe integrate him into my cadre of animals. I HAVE A SICKNESS, OKAY? (And if he's not been fixed, he's going to Feral Friends where they will do it and notch his ear so anyone else who finds him will know he's been fixed. At which point we'll change his name to George Weasley. Hahahaha.)

6. In case you've not seen it, you should as it's hilarious. Hitler Finds Out Obama Will Address School Children.