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A bit more vodka in that glass, please.

I am a tool. OF THE DEVIL. If I could be the tool of the devil, I'd want to be one of those 16 in 1 pocket screwdrivers with all the spare bits in my handle. And a ratchet action. If I'm going to work for Old Scratch, I may as well be the best little helper in all of Hell.

In other words, school starts tomorrow. And yes, it has been raining. Hard enough to keep the children in doors. Anyone remember what they used at the Hyperion to get that pentagram out of the flooring?


Saturday was my garden club meeting, and NO, for the fiftieth time, I'm not 83. You ask again, and I'll jam a knitting needle in your eye and sic one of my cats on you. Anyhoo... A new lady to our group hosted. She was in our graduating class, seemed nice, but kept to herself. A "Scotty-Dog Applique" with pants that pick up the jacket on the dog type. You know JUST what I'm talking about.

I pull up to her house (which was an amazing Spanish-style mansion right on the lake, uh...), knock on the door, it opens by itself and I walk in. And started gasping. Like, horror movie final reveal gasping. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME are 8 heads mounted on the wall of various antelope. Now, my family has hunters in it: but they hunt for meat, not trophies. I DESPISE trophy hunting. I think it's disgusting. These heads are African antelope in various species, and the size of a quarter-horse. Turn the corner:

ELEPHANT TUSKS. As tall as me. Holy shit. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IS ILLEGAL AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE 1940S. My father, who rebuilds pianos, has to replace older piano's ivory keys with synthetics. IT'S ILLEGAL TO HAVE THAT. Oh, and there were a bunch of little ones, the length of my arm, too. SO that means they came from babies. If it wasn't for a really good friend coming up to me and pulling me into the party, I would have turned around and left, and I'm still sick with myself for not leaving. But I haven't told you all, oh no.

In the hallway is a fucking BABOON. A baboon. Full body taxedermy. And they have him standing, holding a tray. For coasters. *cries* A puma. Full body, lurking behind a sofa. A ZEBRA. A DRUM made from an elephant leg. It's pretty small, too. *cries more* Chandeliers made from tusks, horns, antlers. Water buffalo heads. You know how old ladies have doilies on the arms, backs of chairs and such? They have pelts like that: racoon pelts and fox pels and who the fuck knows on EVERYTHING. Bear skin rugs.

AND THE WORST: in the "game room" (okay, they took this literally) was a MASSIVE stone set into the wall, say, a ton. (Or tonne, for my metric friends.) Resting on this, as if he has a full belly and can't be bothered to hunt, is the full body of a LEOPARD. Killing predators is wrong. It is WRONG! It is WRONG to kill something to collect a part of it's body, Jame GUMB!!

So, they have a Weimereiner. My second fave dog. (Behind a heeler) She's old and arthritic and her name is Mambo. EEE! She was very sweet and hugged me and let me love on her and I wanted to whisper, "Run, Mambo. When you die, they will mount and stuff you and put in a voice box to make you bark when guests come." Or lure her with my chicken bone and threaten to hurt her: "Don't you hurt my dog!" "Don't you MAKE me hurt your dog, mister!" Three of you get that instantly.

I ask if her husband is a Big Game Hunter. No, no, he's a DEFENSE ATTOURNEY FOR A PHARMECEUTICAL COMPANY. Of course. Of COURSE he is. So basically, he has a long history of justification. I see. Oh, yeah: he's defending the Vioxx case currently. Nice. I called my husband as I left to tell him all about this (Mr. Stoney is a hunter, and I have some issues with it, but he's an old school hunter: you hunt for the meat, and if you can't shoot and kill in one shot, you have no business being out there) and he offered to kick the guy in the nards.

[ETA]for clarity: the husband is a hunter in his spare time. He pays for Big Game Safari outtings. So... it's like in Jurrasic Park with the goat tied up and he's the T-Rex. Fucking disgusting. Yeah, real challenging, Mr. Micro-Penis.

In other news, I dropped in at somecandytalkin's house and visited for a spell. She and her husband are fun. I meeesed her.

Did I mention that school starts tomorrow? Supplies: bought and organized. New school clothes: fit, folded and ready. Doctor visits: all done, clean bill of health. Ortho: holy Jesus, woman. Dentist: no more sugar. Wallet: frickin' EMPTY. And soon the house will be too...

Sorry I haven't been chatty with everyone... I know Susi got a dragon, Posh is back from vacay because I'm getting old replies answered, Dovil's cracking me up, Julia's been in her garden, Sue's been reading HP, Ladycat's A/C went out, and Lynne wrote some ouchie/hot/pretty Connor with Angel and Spike, Anne got back from vacation.... If I missed you, it's because I'm typing with one hand and separating bored kids into corners with the other. ♥ you all!

Comments

( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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trepkos
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:23 am (UTC)
Well, at least you escaped from the House of Death...
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:24 am (UTC)
JEEZ. Maybe they didn't want me because I have freckles on my skin...

GAH!
timeofchange
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:24 am (UTC)
God, how creepy. So, are you saying they bought all these "trophies" because they like how they look?
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:26 am (UTC)
NO! He hunts them in his spare time. Sorry, didn't make that clear. He's a wealthy man that pays an outfit to let him ride on the back of their truck (air conditioned and fitted with his favorite beverage, to be sure) and shoots down at the animal. Because he apparently has a tiny penis.

IT IS HORRIBLE!
julia_here
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:34 am (UTC)
I'd narc that guy out to the FWS endangered species endorsement people in a minute. Unless he's got permits for the tusks, that's a felony right there; so's the leopard.

Wish there was some kind of bad taste felony statute, because the baboon would be first degree tacky with intent to be cute.

Anna's bouncing around the house because she's going to get her registration packet tomorrow. School couldn't happen soon enough, as far as she's concerned, but we don't start for three more weeks.

Julia, ooked out

stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:43 am (UTC)
Well, I wondered about the legality, and then about permits because he's a lawyer. Albeit a slimey one that works for The Man... I'll ask my dad about the ivory. He knows the laws on that particular bit.

As for school... keep in mind that our kids get out on Memorial Day, so that's why the earlier start date.
*deep breath*
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marlo
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:57 am (UTC)
Jay-zus! I'm a vegetarian (admittedly, not policial about it at all, but)... YEAH. FUCK.

FUCKING HORRIFIED

This picture gets a lot of mileage on LJ, man. ;)

How come your kids are going back to school in August? Is that a Texas thing, or do they go to private school, or what?

stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:02 am (UTC)
Oh, Marlo, I'm not a fan of PETA, but I don't support animal cruelty or appreciate taxedermy... Just... uhg. BLECH.

We start school a little early because it's so HOT the kids can't play outside. Plus, they get out at the end of May, so school starts up a little earlier.
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bitchygrrl
Aug. 15th, 2005 07:58 am (UTC)
WTF!!!!*and you know I'm stingy with the exclamation points* What kind of sick, madness did you walk into. You are better than me because I would have lost my lunch. Meat is one thing but trophies . . . Just reading it made me feel a bit sick. The house in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was in better taste. I won't even start about the baboon holding the FUKCIN' tray because what it's a servant now? No, I won't start on that. GRRR! Madness, madness I say. *stomps off* *hopes Mr Big Game gets crushed to death by an angry mother elephant* * know that's not right* * doesn't care*
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:04 am (UTC)
YEAH. The baboon was what made my stomach roll over. I won't tell you any more details, but I stood in front of it for a few minutes, just... shocked.

Oh, he wouldn't get crushed, because he'd be in the back of the ai conditioned Hummer sipping champagne. What COULD happen is a pissed off mob of natives comes in with machetes and hack the "hunting party" to pieces. For raping their land of it's natural resources. A girl can dream....
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hellziggy
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:03 am (UTC)
*cries*
Oh, I can't believe how horrible that house sounds! I'm all for going on safaris & shooting all the pretty animals... With my camera & telephoto lens!!! And hunting when you eat the meat? Yeah, that's how it should be. Especially since when it comes to deer we've eliminated most of their natural predators (don't even get me started on people killing wolves because oooh, they're scary & evil...) so the deer population is actually healthier when people hunt them. But elephants? and leopards? Grrrrr.
Poor weimeraner. He must be terrified of what they'll turn him into.
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:09 am (UTC)
*pets Mambo, the sweet puppers*

My disklike for PETA stems from the time when wolves were being re-introduced in Yellowstone (which I fully support.)

They didn't want the BLM killing a few sick moose in a herd of 3000, because "killing animals is wrong, mm'kay" and blocked them in court from removing the sick animals from the herd, and eventually the entire herd got sick and died. Needless.

I come from a family of farmers, so I don't romanticize animals too much, and you know, animals kill other animals, but as you said, we've taken out the natural predators for many animals, so I don't have a problem with balancing out things. But trophy hunting sickens me. ANd for the record, unless I was starving and my kids were in dire need, I don't think I could kill an animal, myself.

I threw up when I had to kill a bunny my cat hadn't "finished off."

OKAY. I'm obviously not fit for humans today...
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:11 am (UTC)
OMG I am going to turn this trophy hunting into meta on vampires.

YOU WATCH ME!!!

Okay, write that fic. DO IT. I will force you into a corner where you are CRIPPLED and CANNOT WRITE. Heee!!

Love you, too. Gonna exercise before it's so hot I pass out.
beadattitude
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:13 am (UTC)
::is speechless::

::seconds Mr. Stoney's nard kicking::

::hugs you hard::

Tomorrow, tomorrow, the house's free tomorrow!
School's only a day away.

That's the best I got.

Besides more of the Picard/Jazida and a little smut drabble wot I wrote.
beadattitude
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:13 am (UTC)
Oh and Jame Gumb? ::snork::

Do not take hand lotion from these people, Stoney. No no.
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Dance! Dance for me! - beadattitude - Aug. 15th, 2005 08:50 am (UTC) - Expand
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Re: Dance! Dance for me! - stoney321 - Aug. 15th, 2005 08:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Dance! Dance for me! - beadattitude - Aug. 15th, 2005 08:58 am (UTC) - Expand
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poshcat
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:19 am (UTC)
Jame Gumb! Chicken bones! Body parts! ::so gets it::

Great post - in a freakish, skin-crawling kind of way. Only you can make dead baboons funny. Okay, I'm going to stop complimenting you now.

I like how they were all proud of their soul-sucking house and careers and lives. Totally clueless. Have they never seen Psycho?? Taxidermy = creepy insanity. Were any of the other guests as twitchy as you? Or is this all just business as usual in TX?

So school starts tomorrow, huh? ::ENVIES::

>>If I could be the tool of the devil, I'd want to be one of those 16 in 1 pocket screwdrivers with all the spare bits in my handle.

Hee! ::screws with you::
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:25 am (UTC)
**scratches the three off list**

Oh, the lovely friend that I wanted to chat with, ergo, my staying, was sufficiently saddened by the death. She LITERALLY will not kill a fly, and not in a creepy Norman Bates as Mama way. :-D

**enjoys being screwed by Posh** Wait. Is that NOT what you meant?
**uses ratcheting action on you 'til you cry out**

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!! I just may give the new teachers open-mouthed kisses.
violethamster
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:30 am (UTC)
My icon shows the appropriate fear
Dear God. You think it ever occurs to them to say to themselves, well, golly, we sure are evil?

I bought a CD the other day and the receipt says "It puts the lotion on its skin". Heh. I instantly vowed to do all my (admittedly infrequent) CD shopping at that store from now on.

*also meeeses somecandytalkin :( *
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
I would shop at that store. I would shop there so HARD.

Random, but other quotes I've been saying recently:
*covers face with arm*
*looks at you angrily*
*covers face again and whines...*
What's in the booooooooox?

She's good. busy in RL, but good. Hopefully she'll read this and feel tha LOVE. (Did you see I got your crown?? I LOVED it. Biblically.)
amybnnyc
Aug. 15th, 2005 09:40 am (UTC)
Oh my god... their last name wasn't Zaroff, was it? Eep. Scary fucking people, those.

Glad you escaped!
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 09:48 am (UTC)
Thank god for my lack of antlers/fur!

Heee!!!

I'd probably be turned into a nutcracker. My mouth is big enough... :-D
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elucidate_this
Aug. 15th, 2005 10:40 am (UTC)
sweet christ that house sounds awful. i'm ill just thinking about it.
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, I just had a bad taste in my mouth that lasted all night. Usually I'm "to each his own" but I just don't think I'll ever be able to shake her husband's hand.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
OMG! 12:30:59 on the countdown clock!!

*chills bottle of wine*

:-D
crayonbreakygal
Aug. 15th, 2005 11:10 am (UTC)
OMG, where do you find these people? Hope all your gardening buddies aren't like this. Eeeew. My hubby is the same. He has hunted before, but always for the meat. He always seems to hunt things that are next to impossible to kill. There's a bird called a chucker that are found in Nevada that he has hunted. These things are so fast, you don't even see them fly. Otherwise, he doesn't do it and hasn't in a long, long time. Still it's not right, in my opinion.

Yeah for school. We have three weeks to go until the boys start. Frickin' Sept. 8th can't come soon enough!
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
Most of the girls in my organization are tree huggers, eco-groovy wack jobs and the like. You know, like me. :-D

SCHOOL!!

12:35:46 on the countdown clock...
mskakaako
Aug. 15th, 2005 11:16 am (UTC)
OH man. I can't believe people get off on hunting like that. I'm not a hunting fan, but I get the whole conservation and balance crap, so I'm not a finger-pointer, except when it comes to jackasses who do the trophy hunting. ::Finger points and POINTS AND POINTS::

When we were young, my grandfather had this elephant tusk that was VERY intricately carved into a Chinese pleasure boat with tiny lanterns, tables, even windows and doors that would open. Inside there were lots of teeny tiny women dressed in long gowns reclining on chairs and anyway, my sister and I used to colour it with crayons and snap the flags and doors off. I didn't realize much later that it was real ivory. THE HORROR.

Also, I've had a similar situtation. Last year, when we were in Ho Chi Minh City, we were visiting a former Palace to the President and there were three hollowed out elephant legs. There was a Papa, mama and a baby leg. I was totally shocked and I said to the guide, "That is SO AWFUL and SO INCREDIBLY SAD!" Then he totally laughed because he thought I was joking. :(

OT: Missed you too! Enjoy the freedom from the kiddies! *smooch*
stoney321
Aug. 15th, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
AHHH!! OMG, what an awesome story. (Horrifying as an adult, but OMG! Good story-telling story.)

There is strong wind and lightening and a storms a'brewing, but SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW! We visited our new classrooms, met teachers, and I am hopeful and optimisitc, and the bottle of champagne is CHILLING!

*hugs you TOIGHT*
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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