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ONE OF THOSE DAYS

See, I was all ready to type up a huge rant and bitch and moan and complaing and whine and then I remembered that no one GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MY COMPLAINING. HAHAHAHA! So.

CONSIDER THIS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

Oh, and also I found funny links, and entrenous88 reminded me of Prom, and that made me think of Craig (my date) and how I broke up with him RIGHT BEFORE PROM, because I was a good Mormon girl and I was afraid he was going to touch my bewbies, and God wouldn't let me into heeeeeaaaaaven or something. And that makes me laugh because I WAS SO LAME!!! And now he owns his own gallery in NYC, and lives with the first guy I gave my "flower" to.

No. Absurdist humor isn't lost on me. Oh! And I watched the SNL ep with Christopher Walken and the Cowbell, and he says: Gentlemen, I'm just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time. Except when my pants are on, I make gold records. And laughing is good. Laughing hard fixes what ails you.

So instead of bitching about my boy's school, or the lack of follow through, and how I almost scratched out the eyes of the principal, or thought about shipping the boy off to an island... I give you jokes. AT MY EXPENSE.

Embarassing things that have happened to me: wearing a wrap/mini-skirt to school on a windy day. And have britches with holes. And standing in front of a boy I liked.

Being cool and "running" -- I have this weird thing that if I was percieved as "athletic," boys would like me. I don't understand it either -- towards the bus, where the boy I was crushing on was standing, tripped, and landed on my face. Like, on gravel. SCORE!

Having my boyfriend's best friend ask me in the hallway at school in front of the entire soccer team if, "Michael is ever going to touch your tits, because what is the point?"

I spot a trend. Anyway, blah blah blah life blah blah blah parenting, and I'm a huge dork. But apparently I have touchable boobs. So I have that working for me. Which is nice.

~Signed, Lisa Loopner (anyone? anyone? Bueller?)

Comments

( 75 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 11:59 am (UTC)
MARI!!!! *grabs you and spins* Hello, my sweet!! *kisses you and the gorditas*

I've missed you, too!!! *loves SO much*
likeadeuce
Sep. 22nd, 2005 11:52 am (UTC)
hooray for boobs!!!!

how are you doing, stormwise?
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
BEWBIES!! I'm a fan, personally. We're four hours from Houston, but my mother is in Galveston, so her house will probably be splinters when she returns. She's riiiiight on the water, too.

The neighborhood is filling up today - Dallas is just far enough away from all major kind of bad weather, so... here they come! Waited in line for gas for 30 minutes. Have NEVER waited for gas before.

How are you? Sooper busy?
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dlgood
Sep. 22nd, 2005 11:53 am (UTC)
but apparently I have touchable boobs. So I have that working for me. Which is nice.

By definition, pretty much all boobs are touchable. If you're getting comments, you can upgrade yours from "touchable" to "particularly touchable". This is a fine honor...
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 11:58 am (UTC)
"By definition"

HAHAHAHA! Yes. Yes, this is true. Except for the perv with no HANDS. *lights a candle for injustice*

I will make the appropriate adjustments in accordance to your recommendation, and thank you. Oh! If you aren't familiar with the BBC show, Coupling, you might be interested in it. My husband laughs his ass off at the guy convos about boobs and asses and general men rants. Funny, smart, and very naughty. Like... Seinfeld/Friends/Sex in the City.

*wears a button down shirt with the top three unbuttoned*
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amybnnyc
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:00 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But because you shared, I shall share as well:

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had to have emergency surgery for endometriosis; one of my visitors at the hospital (for reasons I have *still* yet to fathom) was my gym/driver's ed teacher. I didn't really announce the reasons for my surgery when I went back to school because it wasn't anybody's business, and only a few people really knew, because it was sort of a touchy subject for me.

So anyway, fast forward to me, out of the hospital a few weeks later and in the back seat of the Driver's Ed car with one of the most popular boys in school, while some other boy was driving and teacherwoman was in the front passenger seat. Out of freakin' nowhere, she turns in her chair (or maybe her head spun a la Linda Blair... hmmm...) to look at me and says, "So, Amy, how are your periods these days?" I was *horrified* (younger Amy was much more easily embarassed than me now), but I managed to stammer out a "Fine. And how are yours?" (one of the times politeness is NOT your friend). The boys howled with laughter, she turned bright red and got pissed, I just wanted to die, and the rest of the car ride was awkward as all hell.

So, there--one of my very most embarassing moments ever. Enjoy! :)
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:04 pm (UTC)
AHHH!! Oh, I didn't even get to any period stories because those still HURT. Boys and falling and flashing make me laugh... but, yeah. GAH.

My first "doctor's visit" with the lady-bits dr. was with my friend's DAD. My mom thought I would be more comfortable with someone I know. Yeah. Oh, and he was soooo handsome, like, Mel Gibson, Dream Gynecologist. Hi! I'm shy and awkward! Hold my boobs.

Which, so we're clear, are "particularily touchable." HAHAHAHA!

*clinks margarita glass to yours*
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:13 pm (UTC)
Okay, now I'm imagining slow dancing to "I'm All Out Of Love." HAHAHAA!! Oh, the big slow song MY senior year was the one by Milli Vanilli. Sweeeet.

First slow dance of my life, 8th grade, Clark Ford, still so fucking beautiful, I can barely look at my yearbooks, and got shitfaced at my high school reunion when I saw him again. GUH. Oh, it was "Say You, Say Me," by Lionel Ritchie. I got the tinglies in my naughty no nos for the first time over a boy. I was a late bloomer...

Ahh.... Then there was the rest of the night, where a nice boy in a wheelchair asked me to dance EVERY SINGLE SONG with him, and I couldn't say no, because what if he thought it was because he was in a wheelchair? And not because he was on the chess team and, um, because he was in a wheelchair? And they don't fucking prepare you for this in cotillion?

So he spun around me, and held my hand, and spun, and I didn't know what to do, so I boogied down and did the white girl finger-snap to the beat and the hip swivel of the late 80s, and was very confused as to how I could get away. And then after an hour and a half, the dance was over. And Clark had a new girlfriend. She was a stupid bitch. But was AVAILABLE TO DANCE, OMFG. *giggles*

And there's five minutes of your life you aren't getting back. HAHAHAHA! Ah, fahk, beetch, I lahv you. [/Donatella]
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smashsc
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:08 pm (UTC)
Boobies! Um, I'm sure you said other things but my brain is stuck on the whole boobies thing.

*hugs you*

If I had a Gilda Radner icon I'd use it but I don't so you get Cyd Charisse's leg instead. (-:
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:15 pm (UTC)
I WILL TAKE IT. Cyd... Ah, mah gad. She was soooo beautiful. GILDA! I'm re-reading "Live From New York" the tell-all about SNL, and all the Gilda stuff is so great...

BEWBIES. Nice, firm, round racks are the best, no matter the size. And those bras that cut staright across the chest, so there's a teeny wobble, right?

Bewbs.
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ropo
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:33 pm (UTC)
Remind me to tell you some of Ropo's Most Embarrassing Moments someday.

Yours are good.

And also, hi.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 12:37 pm (UTC)
I will! Oh, and by the way, don't forget to tell me some of your more embarassing moments, while you're at it.

And hi to you too!!
marlo
Sep. 22nd, 2005 01:04 pm (UTC)
I can't believe nobody's done this yet:

*touches your boobs*

HA! Yes, particularly touchable, they are. Also YAY I LOVE EMBARASSING STORIES!

*touches them again! ROWRRR!*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 01:17 pm (UTC)
*arches back slightly, pushing them more firmly in your hands*

ALSO HOT: smart, sassy girls with short hair and glasses. :-D

OMG! CHINA!! It's coming up... Wheeeee! *is happy for you*
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julissak01
Sep. 22nd, 2005 01:20 pm (UTC)
wearing a wrap/mini-skirt to school on a windy day. And have britches with holes. And standing in front of a boy I liked.

Heeeee. You did that on purpose... *tickles you*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 01:40 pm (UTC)
Sheeyah. RIGHT. Not "sexy, crotch-less panties" which, ew. Just go commando, IMO.

More like... laundry day, THAT day, B-team britches. Niiiice. Oh, and I STILL LOATHE wrap skirts. Just... too difficult.

Oh, except I just remembered one of my favorite outfits back in the day: looong dark plaid (navy blues/greys) wrap skirt (with a button at the thigh to KEEP IT CLOSED), a crisp, white oxford, fitted, girly, grey cardigan. I'm still a big fan of the "private-school girl" look. Because I suffer from arrested development, apparently.

(Now, answering my dorm room door without a bra on and a tiny tank when I happened to hear a certain someone I liked coming up the stairs to "grab my shoes from outside?" THAT was on purpose. :-D
pet_23
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
I like boobs. Boobs are nice. And have I mentioned lately I think your awesome? Cause I do think your awesome. But I guess I haven't told you lately because even though I read all your posts. I'm like completely shy to every comment to anything. Which is what probably got me unfriended by you. *pout* But hey I do and will always think your all kinds of awesome. Not sure if this will make you feel any better but I thought I would get some balls and give it a go. :) *hug*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
Bewbs rule. And you shouldn't feel shy to comment!?! Dude. It's just LJ. Seriously. I enjoy the interaction on my journal, be it someone I know, or some random stranger. I've had great convos with random people I don't know just popping their heads up. Never feel like you can't comment, really! (If I didn't WANT comments, I'd block them. :-D See how that works?)

And as to trimming my flist a while ago... It wasn't a personal attack on ANYONE. It just got too big for me to read everything, and I wanted to make my reading list more... short. I'm not reading a lot of fandom stuff, so I took off more fandom-centric LJs. Doesn't mean I don't randomly pop by!

*oogles yer bewbies*
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sangueuk
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
OT - are you a long way from Rita? :::prays:::
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
I'm far enough. We'll just get dumped on with massive rainfall and some winds. Dallas is about four hours north.

(My biological mother lives in Galveston, right on the water, and has been told to expect to come back to splinters. Thank goodness for insurance, right? The cities along the coast have been sending waves of busses up and down the neighborhoods evacuating people who don't have cars, or can't get out on their own. Texas is prepared! This will not be another Katrina. I'm reading right now in the paper about the last of the retirement homes that was emptied today. Everyone should be out of Galveston, or will have no one to blame but themselves if they refuse to go.)

**loves**
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the follow-through (or lack there of) was because today was a SUB who decided he didn't need to follow the teacher's plan for him. The school (and he) got an earful. Then I took the boy out for ice cream and let him hang with mom today.

Oh, ANNE! That's such a horrible feeling. I remember something similar in 4th grade: Chad Senn - he looked JUST like Ricky Schroeder. Asked me if I wanted to "go with him." Miss Littlefield's class. Fourth row. He sat right in front of me. I can still picture him turning around and asking me, then waiting for my face to light up and hollering out, "BURN! hahahaha."

NICE. I think he's fat now, and married to a harpy.
bitchygrrl
Sep. 22nd, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*
In tenth grade I tripped down the subway steps sending my bubble skirt flying up over my ass and landed at the feet of Matt the mighty fine, and all the other cool boys and girls. I had on pink flowered underwear my Nana had bought me. And the final indignity. Tall, skinny, blonde, french, girl who calls me munchkin steps over me. I laugh now, but at the time I was mortified. I think the worst part is I was wearing a bubble skirt, it was green. I'm sure you have the best bewbies, and they are quite touchable *feels your boobs* Go watch Caddyshack that always makes me feel better.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
*totally had a bubble skirt* *punches girl post-incident in solidarity* *raises fist for sistahhood*

NOW I want to watch Caddyshack. Most favorite moment in the whole movie:

"And I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. And I want fries. And I want a soda. And candy. And I want a hot dog, no, a corn-dog. And I want-"

"YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND YOU'LL LIKE IT."

***

Or: "Hey, how'd you like to earn ten bucks the hard way?"

HAHAHAHA!! Ten of these, four of those, nine of them, throw in a box of those, and whoa! Get a load of this hat! This looks like the kind of hat you get free with a bowl of soup. Oh. Looks good on you, though.

*laughs hard* See??? Laughing makes EVERYTHING better. *slides hand between bewbies in a seductive manner, bites lip*
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floweringjudas
Sep. 22nd, 2005 05:00 pm (UTC)
*vaguely* Mrs Loopner's famous egg salad!
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC)
*snickers*
*pushes up glasses on nose* Oh, Tahd.

Confidentially... woe. But highly entertaining woe.

(and fuuuuuuuu- to the icon. I have serious vintage MaryJanes love)
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<-- gets sappy, because it's fun - stoney321 - Sep. 22nd, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- gets sappy, because it's fun - floweringjudas - Sep. 23rd, 2005 04:31 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- gets sappy, because it's fun - stoney321 - Sep. 23rd, 2005 05:19 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- gets sappy, because it's fun - floweringjudas - Sep. 23rd, 2005 10:49 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- gets sappy, because it's fun - stoney321 - Sep. 23rd, 2005 11:27 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- gets sappy, because it's fun - floweringjudas - Sep. 23rd, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
lynnenne
Sep. 22nd, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
*gropes your bewbies*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2005 06:21 pm (UTC)
*lights candy cigarette, tosses you Park Place from the Monopoly game*

(OMG! HI LYNNE! *raspberry on your neck*)
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( 75 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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