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Happy Anniversary! And more FIC! WHOOOO!

Today is the one year anniversary of Wee!Spike. Why do I know this? Why so I even care? Because it was inspired by my loving, very Mormon family and several hours of perfectly chaste dinner conversation. That's how broken inside I am, y'all. And? Had them all over for dinner yesterday. I'll go into THAT another time. But let's just say that I felt the need to freak out in fic again.

Now, I like to think I started the whole metamorphisis into unrecognizable characters, ie: 5 inch Spike who cries and sings the Ramones. Or an Angel who turns into Scarlett O'Hara. But then, I also like to think I have no fat on my ass, that I have a lovely singing voice, and on really bad days, that I invented the wheel. And today I feel the need to do it yet again. So: if you get offended by poking fun at fandom at large, GO AWAY. Won't hurt my feelings. But this might hurt yours. And now I give you:

SEAHORSES IN LOVE - A SPANDER TALE


And you should all endure my banner because it is the LYNCHPIN in my fic, OMG. Are we still doing banners? I don't know this stuff anymore.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com



Title: Seahorses in Love - A Spander Tale
Author: Duh. Like anyone else would change Spike or Xander into anything NOT Vampire and Human. Wait... Inspired by a lazy Sunday morning with dovil where we laughed and cried. But mostly laughed. And had brunch.
Rating: pH of 7.2 - slightly alkaline
Disclaimer: OMG, this is beautiful. And my art. And my soul. And if you can't get behind this... HA HA!! You have brains and I salute you. If you are offended by this silliness, you should also calm down and step outside and engage in real life. Because dude: this is what I DO. Surely you aren't just figuring this out? If so? OMG don't read. It'll just confuse you.
Distribution: Are you on crack? And why haven't you passed the dutchie on the left-hand side?
Beta: HA HA HA HA HA!!!

And now... SEAHORSES IN LOVE - A SPANDER TALE

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


"I hate you!" Spike-horse telepathically shouted at his girlfriend, Buffy the Spiny Urchin. "I hate you more! Now bang me!" she thought back at him. Her needles were puffed out, and she was ballooning towards poor little Spike-horse.

"Gah!" he thought, and shed a single perfect tear, and sped away from the kelp, and from the very scary and very mean Buffy, the Spiny Urchin. Why can't I find true love? What with hiding from morons who want to grind me up and turn me into an aphrodisiac, hiding from the hideous and disgustingly heterosexual Buffy, the Spiny Urchin, I feel like I could just stop my gas bladder from inflating and end it all, the little Spike-horse woed.

"Hey," someone thought out. Spike-horse whirled by lashing his tail and found... Another seahorse. Right. In. Front. Of. Him. But this was no ordinary seahorse. This one had flowing locks of chocolate brown hair. (Once a wrapper from a candy bar floated past the kelp where he lived and Spike-horse learned about chocolate.) Spike-horse had assumed all seahorses had punked-out platinum, bleached-blonde hair. He felt a stirring in his brood pouch.

"H-h-hey," he mentally stammered, wondering if the sea cucumber, Tara, was rubbing off on him. Spike-horse swished his pectoral fins in greeting; he was a friendly seahorse. "What's your name?" he wondered in his neural groove that served as his brain. Seahorses don't have vocal chords - they are very thinky aquatic creatures.

"I'm Xander, but call me Sander. For some reason. I don't have hands, just these coronets and cheek spines, so I can't write or anything. Or speak. We're talking to each other mentally. Cool, huh? What's up with that? And aren't girls gross? I pretend to like girls, but really? I'm all down with the anal fin. If you know what I mean."

Spike-horse didn't. But the stirrings in his brood pouch belied him. THEY BELIED HIM. As Spike-horse was a friendly sort, or rather, he didn't have a mean trunk ridge in his exoskeleton, he let himself float up to his new buddy and then stroked his snout to Sander's.

Something... changed. Shifted. Altered. Metamorphisized. He suddenly realized why he didn't really care about Buffy, the Spiny Urchin, even after all their time together. Aside from her needles, and that she made herself buoyant all the time when Spike-horse approached her for coupling causing her to bounce away like a beach ball, but because Buffy, the Spiny Urchin, didn't have ANAL FINS. His posterior orientation had changed with a single moment. He longed to run his facial spines in that wavy brown hair. To snuggle on a coral reef and watch the jellyfish play.

His watery life, it seemed, had changed in an instant.

"Um, in a very short time, and for no discernible reason other than your looks, I seem to have fallen in love with you, Sander," he meditated.

"You know, it's weird, because I'm currently involved with a puffer fish named Anya, which is strange, as they normally eat seahorses, but..." Sander shrugged his dorsal fin while telepathically speaking, "But, yeah. I know what you mean. Hey, um, some random chick seahorse gave me her eggs, but I feel compelled to give them to you. I know it's forward of me to ask, me just swimming by here a few minutes ago, but... I feel really sure about this. Which is strange? Because I'm totally the waffle king." An Eggo-Waffle box had sunk to his corner of the ocean not too long ago, and thereby Sander had learned the word "waffle."

Spike-horse's eyes became heavy lidded, and his head rolled back as his anal fin rose in acceptance. Sander swam close and stroked his anal fin against the blonde seahorse who had won his three hearts. Their vents opened, and after a sensual dance of fin and tail and ridged spine, Sander deposited his eggs into Spike-horse's brood pouch. He glowed with fatherly beauty.

"Sander?" he thought, because hey - no vocal chords, "Sander, the lining of my brood pouch will nourish our children until I expel them out into the sea, where only 2% of them will have a chance for survival. But we will love and cherish those 2%, won't we?"

Sander floated side by side with his new and perfect love, curled tails, flared his gills, and mentally delivered the one sentence that Spike-horse had waited to hear his entire life: "Yes."

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter and please: try the fish.
And you can defriend me without regrets at this point. No worries. :-D

Comments

( 98 comments — Leave a comment )
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serenelystrange
Oct. 10th, 2005 08:31 am (UTC)
lol
Oh boy. Is it wrong that I've become so deluded in your crazy world, i found myself going awww athe then end, even as I was laughing my ass off? Well, if it wrong, thats ok, because right just wouldnt be as funny, lol. I loves me some Stoney fic in the morning, :)

PS. When are we going to see the Stoney/Doovil love pics? When! Sorry, :)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:07 am (UTC)
Re: lol
Hooray! *delights in your laughter*

pics! OMG, DON'T RUSH ME!!! *wets pants*

:-D
Re: lol - serenelystrange - Oct. 10th, 2005 09:15 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: lol - stoney321 - Oct. 10th, 2005 09:18 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: lol - serenelystrange - Oct. 10th, 2005 09:24 am (UTC) - Expand
julia_here
Oct. 10th, 2005 08:36 am (UTC)
You're just trying to distract me from the awareness that my first-born is going off cross-country in a 15 passenger van today, aren't you?

Well, it's working, if forno other reason that I now have sesame seeds up my nose.

Love them zoologically correct seahorses!

Julia, not looking forward to a week when I'm outnumbersd by the blue-eyed drama queens here
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
Hee hee!! Oh, man, you SHOULD HAVE BEEN A FLY ON THE WALL IN SAN FRANNIGAN.

If you can't get off on seahorses with anal fins and brood pouches with salinity... I just don't want to read that porn. I mean, I have standards, Julia.
yin_again
Oct. 10th, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
he didn't have a mean trunk ridge in his exoskeleton

It really, really hurts to sporfle a Chik-Fil-A chicken biscuit. Really.

Also, I love you. Marry me?
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
HA HA HA!!! *hands you tissue, rubs your back*

OKAY. *buys tuxedo*
:-D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:06 am (UTC)
WHEEEEE!!! you know this was allll for you, right?

*flares gills at you to TURN YOU ON*

I am so happy to make you laugh. Hooray! Chocolate brown hair and eyes. And flukes.
trepkos
Oct. 10th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
Spike-horse whirled by lashing his tail and found...

It's like I'm really there, you know?

And Spike-horse would so do that!
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:10 am (UTC)
He WOULD! And don't we all KNOW Spike-horse? Can't we all idenitfy with his fear of his spiny girlfriend?

I know I can.

:-D
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:12 am (UTC)
*LOVES YOU HARD!!*

I have been WORRIED about you!!

I'm glad I could make you laugh (I bet you could use one). *cuddles you and the girls, makes you food and does the laundry and cleans the house and hugs you more*
thepiratequeen
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:02 am (UTC)
Best seahorse fic ever!! I think my favorite part was, "THEY BELIED HIM". It made me weep with how honest and beautiful it was. All these years I thought I didn't like Spike but now I realize how wrong I was. This fic has changed my life. *cries one perfect tear*
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:15 am (UTC)
*catches your perfect tear in a CRYSTAL DECANTER*
*displays on shelf of GOLD*

*nods* This was perfect, wasn't it? I am a GOD.

And your icon is making me weep with joy.

hee hee!! *wants to PLAY with you today!*does*
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lynnenne
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:07 am (UTC)
OMG you have totally made me seen the Magic of Spander! They are so Meant2B. How could I have been blind for so long?

Buffy the Spiny Urchin

HAHAHAHA! There oughta be a show named after her.

He felt a stirring in his brood pouch.

*diez laughing*

*hearts your brain with my ded heart*



stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:17 am (UTC)
I'm serious. Buffy and Anya are the most ev0l of sea creatures and they are DENYING the bois of their tru seahorse love.

Next up: Angel the clam and Connor the little irritating sand particle that turns into a PEARL. *omg they are mfeo!*

*Beams at you with perfect understanding of LIFE and LOVE*
... - lynnenne - Oct. 10th, 2005 11:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Jacque Costeau is hard right now. - melbournegirl - Oct. 10th, 2005 09:32 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Jacque Costeau is hard right now. - stoney321 - Oct. 10th, 2005 09:33 am (UTC) - Expand
janedavitt
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:28 am (UTC)
Spike-horse didn't. But the stirrings in his brood pouch belied him. THEY BELIED HIM.

::dies:: I love this so very much it's scary.
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:33 am (UTC)
Heeeee!! Oh, and something's wrong with your icon. (Um, it looks like the trunk ridges have been replaced with disgusting flesh? *pets the seahorses*)

:-D *passes the bottle of whatever I'm taking*
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floweringjudas
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:34 am (UTC)
I am most impressed by the information about the mighty seahorse that this fic contains.

That said, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sander floated side by side with his new and perfect love, curled tails, flared his gills, and mentally delivered the one sentence that Spike-horse had waited to hear his entire life: "Yes."

*cries happy tears*
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:35 am (UTC)
Well, it's important to my muse that I am as correct as possible. I spent HOURS researching the mating rituals of seahorses. I... I couldn't let my subjects down.

I COULDN'T CHEAT YOU.

*pulls velvet robe higher on my shoulders*

Hee hee!
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hellziggy
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:05 am (UTC)
Stoney,
I have to say, this is the very best seahorse porn that I have EVER read! :)

His posterior orientation had changed with a single moment. He longed to run his facial spines in that wavy brown hair. To snuggle on a coral reef and watch the jellyfish play.
*giggle* It's true love! :)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:23 am (UTC)
It IS, because jellyfish might EAT THEM, but they would die together!

And? This is the most anatomically CORRECT seahorse porn ever written, I'm pretty sure.
... - hellziggy - Oct. 10th, 2005 10:29 am (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:11 am (UTC)
OMG. The cute little spiny things.

And what kind of ocean is this with the waffles and the chocolate the float by? And um you got any extry waffles and chocolate?
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:22 am (UTC)
What kind of ocean? Oh, I'll TELL YOU: OUR OCEAN. With the littering and the dolphin tunas and the ev0l sea urchins who DESERVED TO BE RAPED. There. I've said it.

And he was TOTALLY going for his soul and wouldn't have forced his anal fin in her valve without her consent, OMFG.
sdwolfpup
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
I luff you Stoney. With the passion of 10,000 spiny sea-urchins. YOU MAKE MY BROOD POUCH TINGLE.

Best. Seahorse Story. Ever. I especially love the VERISIMILITUDE to actual seahorses. It BELIES your greatness. Heeeeeee.
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 10:21 am (UTC)
Well, in the world of seahorse fanfic, it's a real honor for you to tell me mine is the greatest.

For lo, the gods formed the crust of the earth, and then it cooled, and a small creature crawled fromthe primordial ooze and became ME.

AND I THEN SHARED MY GENIUS WITH THE WORLD.

*diverts blood to flukes, flares them at you*
*in a completely sexual way*
spikendru
Oct. 10th, 2005 11:03 am (UTC)
OMG--their love is so pure! They communicate!!! Without words!!! Using only their telepathic minds and their anal fins and their vents and brood pouches! This is so hot, I'm afraid I'll be banned from the Baltimore Aquarium from this point on, due to my lust for Spandery seahorses! It's been far too long since we've been treated to the genius that is Stoney!

And you've totally stolen my idea for fall_for_fx! Whatever shall I do now? Yeah, right!

Buffy the mean Spiny Urchin!!! Anya the Pufferfish! Bwahahaha!
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC)
OMG. Part two will be the aquarium break out reuinited fic!

AWESOME. Hee hee!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:05 pm (UTC)
HAVE EMAILED. OMG.
violethamster
Oct. 10th, 2005 11:48 am (UTC)
OMG *loves* The Mormon thing means your family would totally approve if your entire flist wanted to marry you, right?

I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter and please: try the fish.

Mmmmm...the trunk ridges are crunchy!
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:04 pm (UTC)
And the pufferfish is divine! Mmmm. Anya-rific.

HI! Oh, sure, sure, my g-grandpa was polygamist, so they're TOTALLY down with it.

*bakes a cake, washes linens to prepare for new brides*
entrenous88
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:08 pm (UTC)
I *takes deep breath* had clicked open a couple of windows, after I had woken up from a nap, and was reading everything oh-so-innocently.

When I clicked on this minimized one, and saw the manip, and OMGWHATTEHFRELLISTHAT???

*cries* You hurt me, Stoney. You hurt me bad.

And dude, you can't stop the Signal Spander. Even when they're seahorses, I find myself rooting for them to get it on.
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
It's how beautifully their faces morph into snouts, isn't it? And there is a subtle difference in the lengths. *cough*

Heee! OMG, their love is so wet!
beadbeauty
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:47 pm (UTC)
To snuggle on a coral reef and watch the jellyfish play.

Good stuff. You're on a roll today. Now get off of it because I want to eat some bread. "I jus lak the bred"
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:11 pm (UTC)
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.

I remembered! I remembered!
bisi
Oct. 10th, 2005 01:06 pm (UTC)
*giggle*
edutational and porntastic
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
I aim to raise awareness through male sex. And show that I am not a species-ist.

*pokes you to make you giggle harder*
bitchygrrl
Oct. 10th, 2005 01:12 pm (UTC)
LOL You rule. *sticks gold star on your cleavage*
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
*crosses arms up high overhead to show off star to it's best advantage*
cherusha
Oct. 10th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
OMG you totally forgot the part where Xander-horse is caught by fishermen and then ground up and sold to an herbal medicine shop.

Think of the Angst!!
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
OMG, you scooped Part Three!! (Part two is the inevitable capture of Spike-horse and Sander's attempt to bust him out of the aquarium)

OMG. Maybe Spike-horse will use Buffy, The Sea Urchin's spines to cut himself! WOE.
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viciouswishes
Oct. 10th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
Bwhaha. That manip killz me dead. And the story "waffle king" *snerks*
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC)
It's because its beauty is only surpassed by Connie for accuracy and skill.

*makes crown of syrup for waffle king*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
HA HA HA!!! "I would still never think to make Spandery seahorses."

I think that sums up most people. It's because I am BROKEN INSIDE. and thanks, sweetheart!

*hugs you, keep the razor blased and Morrisey away from you, makes you read Lubed: The Musical on bad days* :-D
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mpoetess
Oct. 10th, 2005 03:55 pm (UTC)
*strokes your anal fin*
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 07:31 pm (UTC)
*leans head back, allows saline to enter my brood pouch*
somecandytalkin
Oct. 10th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
There'll be no accusations, Just *VERY* friendly crustaceans Under the Seeeeeeeeeeeeea!
That was the most beautiful story combining small aquatic life and BtVS goodness that will ever be realized. Forevah and always.

Kudos to you, Miss Stoney of the Sea!

Makes me wanna rub my facial spines all over ya.

Especially love the 2% and random egg bequeathment.
stoney321
Oct. 10th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
Hee Hee!! Undahr tha sea... Undah tha sea...

Hahaha! Oh, W, I'm so broken inside.

*flares flukes at you, wraps tail around places yo only WHISPER about*
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( 98 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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