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How many words are in a short story? I know a novel has 50,000, so is it 10K? 15K Thereabouts? Because I have close to a short story written, and maybe I could sell it. And They'd write me hand written letters telling me how refreshing and vivid my writing is. And They would beg me to write more, but I'd get freaked and not be able to, but I WOULD, which would make me awesome, and beloved, and rich, and David Letterman would have me on his show, and I'd be charming and funny and he'd kiss my hand at the end like he does with Amanda Peet - he sooo has the hots for her - and I would be subversive and NOT go on Leno because he's a tool with a weird, high voice, and he does the fake shoulder-laugh-shrug thing that bugs me, but I would go on Oprah and I'll tell you why:

Because she gives people stuff, and I'm just enough of a whore to want free things. Even though at this point I am successful and published, and the darlin gof hte literary world, and there's talk of Pulitzer and other prizes - I need to research what prizes there are to win - but it's Oprah! And during the break I'd do her famous line back at her: "Did you tell Harpo ta beat me? All. My. Life. I been hiding from my daddy. And my brothers. And.." And then the other: "Ha ha ha, Miss Sophia home now." And I'd tell her that movie makes me cry every time I see it and is she really secretly dating Jamie Foxx and we'd go out and I'd get her to eat pizza with me.

So. How many words are in a short story?

This is basically what ran through my head on my run this morning. Oh, and I RAN. No jogging today. My hips were loose, my knees felt good, I had my shoulders down and my stride was long and it felt GOOOOD in the cool morning weather. I miss flat out running. I wish I lived closer to the high school here so I could run on the track. Sprinting. I'm a good sprinter. Sprinting is fun. Mainly, I like to do the post running, "whew!" walk. You know that walk: runners do that weird lean back to slow down, then put one hand on their hip and breath heavy, and look around non-chalantly? Like, yeah, I just friggin' ran flat out, oh, did Bob come? Is he in the stadium? Huh. Yeah. Too bad you can't burn calories and stay toned from that, because I have that DOWN.

Why don't people pay me to write funny stuff? Oh, yeah. Because I don't know how to make people DO THAT. I should google that. Or you know... go finish the laundry.

OFF TOPIC: If you do NOT want to be on a sex filter, tell me. Don't say you DO. Say you do NOT. To be found on the sex filter: whining, bravas, how to do's, why do I not get all the sex I want, and oh my god, this shouldn't happen. Tiff and Beth? You two are NOT ON THE FILTER. Because we don't talk about sex in our family. Unless you are our mother, in which case you never SHUT YOUR TRAP ABOUT IT AND ARE SCARRING YOUR DAUGHTERS FOR LIFE. For non-family members: think a morph of Patsy and Edina WITHOUT a filter. Yeah. Bad stuff. Don't want to hear about my father-shutupSHUTUP! LALALALALA!!! *cries*

Oh, speaking of the BBC... (man, I am all over the map today) Do ANY of my UK friends out there have copied of This Life or Ultraviolet? That they'd be willing to copy for me? (I'd pay, of course) Amazon.co.uk has both, but they are CRAZY expensive, and not in US DVD format. ACHING WITH NEED.

And now for something completely different: LINKS!

somecandytalkin sent me this link with He-Man singing 4 Non-Blondes, and I had TEARS on my face. Confession: I used to LOVE He-Man. I think the animated vibrato and the dance moves are my favorite.

If you haven't seen The Shining trailer, it's HILARIOUS. cherusha sent me a new link as the milkandcookies site's link is down. The Feel Good Hit of the Summer! Hahaha! I think the use of "Salsbury Hill" is particularly funny, as it has become the "go to" song for Hollywood to define man's inner exploration of himself. That's like, soooooo Cameron Crowe.

One more: GizOOGLE! Dag, yo, this be tha shiznit. Okay, you can download a client to convert your IM text mesaging into gangsta talk. Whu whu? (...and my icon is directed at MYSELF. OMG - so VERBOSE!)

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
winterlive
Oct. 13th, 2005 11:12 am (UTC)
And I'd tell her that movie makes me cry every time I see it n is she really secretly pimpin' Jamie Foxx n we'd go out n I'd git her ta eat pizza wit me now motherfuckers lemme here ya say hoe.

Gizoogle.
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:32 pm (UTC)
GIZOOGLE.

It'll change ya LYF, yo.
winterlive
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
Fo shizzle. Now GIT over to my LJ and participate in VM discussion, yo! I need to make the speaky.
winterlive
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:57 pm (UTC)
Also: Jaime Foxx! Color Purple! *double flail*
likeadeuce
Oct. 13th, 2005 11:15 am (UTC)
Lord, a short story can be anything from 1,000 to 15,000; if you're talking about trying to place one for publication when you've never been published before? You probably don't want to go any longer than 7,500, because the first challenge is to actually get whoever you send the story to to read it. And the people reading are usually volunteers or underpaid junior assistants and frankly 99.9999 percent of what they see is going to be utter crap. They're a lot more likely to give what you sent a chance if they can skim it over a coffee break. Hate to say it, but that's how it works. Honestly, it's not that different from reading fic on line. There's an awful lot of stuff out there, and I'm not going to start somebody's multichapter epic unless I'm convinced it's pretty damn incredible. However, if somebody says "drabble" or "ficlet" or "short character study" I am more likely to give them a chance. And then if I like that, I'll go read the multichapter epics.

Says she who has never published any fiction. But I have gotten a few of those notes with handwriting on them. (The sentence "We enjoyed the sexual transformation" came from the New Yorker. Isn't that wonderful? I had to reread the story to figure out wtf they were talking about and I'm still not sure.)

And I could use some sex filtering about now.
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:34 pm (UTC)
Good to know. (Incidentally, this is that fic I showed you last year? With the Indian woman?)

So, you WANT to be filtered? Captured? In the know? Gotcha. Speak now or... tell me later.
likeadeuce
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, I want to be on the filter. Sorry, was confusing.

I'd love to see the full story when you're ready to show it!
beadattitude
Oct. 13th, 2005 11:16 am (UTC)
sista, you been on my mind......sista...we two of a kind....
MOG.....I mean OMG, and Leno's CHIN? Freaks. Me. Out. I mean, whoa. Did someone squish his head? ::shudders::

Send it to The Sun magazine, or The New Yorker or go get a copy of "The Writers Market." I think that's what it's called.

Go to Google and type in "failure." Hit "I'm feeling lucky." SNORF.

When I used to travel for a living, I got real sunburned this one time? And I was stuck in the cabin of the cruise I was on? And they played nothing but The Color Purple over and over all day, 'cause it was a cruise and you should BE OUTSIDE, but I had sun poisoning and little blisters and I cried every single time I saw the movie. All eleven times. I'd turn it off, doze, turn it back on again at a random moment and start cryin' again.

And damn, Whoopi then went and made all those sucky movies. I mean what was she thinking?

Going to go look at yr links now. Fo' shizzle.
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:36 pm (UTC)
Ich bein leiben dich leiben mich.
GIZOOGLE.

The writer's market. Check. And my haunting me movie (although not in a good way) is ALWAYS BEASTMASTER. Swear to god, that movie is on EVERYTIME I get some free time and hot popped corn. BAH.
beadattitude
Oct. 13th, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Ich bein leiben dich leiben mich.
Ich ben ein berliner. Preferably raspberry, please.

My non-trapped-on-a-cruise-ship movie is The Mummy. That thang is always on. Lordy.
bitchygrrl
Oct. 13th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC)
Hey ,
Oh get a copy of the Writer's Market 2006 to look for publishers, and you must sell me the movie rights to your book, so I to can go on Oprah, cause I like her. And I will go on Leno to tell him he's an annoying tool,
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:37 pm (UTC)
OKAY. This seems to be the book. I am sofa king Wee Todd it when it comes to know ing how to jump out of my box. 10-Q!

I WILL. We will storm Oprah and get yummy food and her favorite things and gift bags and stay in the ALL SUITE Omni hotel.
bitchygrrl
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
WOOHOO! We shall order lots of room service at the OMNI cause hey, it's Oprah's dime and she's got plent of dimes. Quater's not so much.
hellziggy
Oct. 13th, 2005 12:17 pm (UTC)
Ultraviolet:

Don't let any of your friends pay overseas shipping, yo.

I've got my roomate's copy sitting in my living room RIGHT NOW! I haven't watched it yet so I don't know if it is region specific or not (I'll have that figured out by which DVD player it plays on) so I can make you a copy, either old school VHS or have hubby use his computer to DVD copy them. :)

Can't help ya with This Life though.
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
*CRIES* Are you KIDDING ME??? Tell me what i need to do to get a copy. Money, ovaries, spleen... TELL ME. *loves you SO HARD*

And I am DESPERATE for This Life. STUPID AMERICA!! Oh my GOD, my Jack is NAKED in it!!! *wants*

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
hellziggy
Oct. 13th, 2005 04:41 pm (UTC)
Woo hoo! If you're willing to give up body parts I can pretty much name my price! (when I told hubby his first response was "is she hot?")

I want RPS! The boys from Angel! Especially DB & JM! :)

Or your undying love. I'm pretty easy.
hellziggy
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
I have verified the region 1 status of the DVDs and copying shall commence soon!

When I mail it will your mailman be confused if I say you live on Hedwig Dr? Cuz really, she is the coolest one...

Also, I have a short mp3 song that has to be added to the Animal mix disc I sent you. It's only 1.8 MB if you have an email address I can send it to.

It's really funny and you are one of the few people broken inside enough to love it as much as me. The taxonomy on it is: Giraffa camelopardalis fellatio...
serenelystrange
Oct. 13th, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
I want to be part of this sex talk! I am dumb and dont know if a filter blocks you or doesnt, lol, but I dont want to be blocked. Ignore my ignorance please, :) *walks of like a meek dumbass*
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
Filter puts you IN.

Got it.
serenelystrange
Oct. 13th, 2005 02:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks, lol, I'm a little slow. :)
ex_dovil323
Oct. 13th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
You're not going to go into graphic discussions about your recurring herpes again are you? Cause you know how that excites me.

I'm just coming in with a comment to show random love, and to cry with you over The Colour Purple and pat your shoulder, but from a distance. Because of your infectiousness.

You can be a famous author and I can be a famous interviewer and we can squee and play with each others hair during the add breaks.
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
You want chancres? Oh, I GOT CHANCRES, Baby!

Your first name is Baby, right?

OH! I just randomly remembered LIMOS. EVERYWHERE. WRITE UP YOUR ADVENTURES! *pines for you and your fabulous hair*

Emailing you pics!!
ex_dovil323
Oct. 13th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
I have no idea what Chancres is, is that like some kind of syphallis/herpes hybrid that only you have because you're a dirty ho? *tilts head inquisitively* Is it?

EVERYWHERE LIMOS YAY! With killer dolphins and chandellers and taxis with discos in them. You're right I should write this all up before my addled brain forgets everything. Pancakes for President!

I have much better hair now thanks to the St Frances! Their showers that dripped with the haunted blood of the dead and their Aveda products have caused a miracle and my hair is actually soft, omg! Thanks St Frances! And Stoney321!
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes they ARE a hybrid, because I am cutting edge with my STDs. And I am a FILTHY ho. Now, WHY didn't we make out? Oh, yeah. Because I was throwing up.

Wimp.

Dolphin statues with guns!! EVERYWHERE!! (And I love love LOVE Aveda, too. Completely agree. Oooh! Did everyone back home compliment you on your smart new clothes?)
ex_dovil323
Oct. 13th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC)
You know what's really funny? All the post we did leading up to the trip talking about vomitting. And you made that dream come true. You the man!

I really hope you're not embaressed about that any more, because seriously, as part of my countries culture that would be a typical night out. But then again we also bugger sheep so I'd take it with a grain of salt. I held more hair back than a hairdresser.

Aveda is this miracle product I've always wanted! Ahhhh, America, I love you and your products so. Ohhh, and talking about mass consumption, I ended up coming back with about 6 shirts from Ann Taylor, and god knows how much from the Gap, loads! Friends very, very jealous, but then most of them gallivant around the world all the time so they may have been humouring me.

Have you added to your icon?! Cause that's brilliant!
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 10:10 pm (UTC)
No, no, not embarassed anymore. BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS NOW. Hee hee!

Aveda is good, huh? Guess what YOU are getting for christmas! COAL.

Which icon? The shark one above? Or the coffee one? (I have three versions, if that's the case, number three to the left just there.)

Hooray for freedom! You bought things so the terrorists can't win! We will stop the bombs with our mighty shoe purchasing power! The makeup sales at the department store counter will leverage our safety.

Heee! And hooray for you! New clothes feel good. Silly, but true. *flips hair over shoulder*
ex_dovil323
Oct. 13th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC)
Aveda is good, huh? Guess what YOU are getting for christmas! COAL.

You just made me laugh like watching a guy crying remembering his dead father and sucking three guys off.

I contributed to the US economy so that more bullets can be made so young Jamie in Fort Worth can get drunk, listen to music, and fire them into the sky in youthful excuberance while yelling, die ragheads. Maybe 'What a Wonderful World' could play in the background for that extra poignancy.

No, my money is going to fund American baby kittens. God fearing, good through and through American baby kittens.

You have gorgeous hair! I look at you and know that this is a woman who uses coal.

stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 10:19 pm (UTC)
<-- look at them queer-mos all hopped up on The Drugs
The kittens are gay-rods. I will smite them with my righteousness.

Now, FERRETS, them are some christian vermin.

Ahahaha!! Oh, the visual of Dana Gould! The fondling! The finger!! The slowed down pumping as he is crying to hard to PROPERLY service the three men! Bwah ha!

*clears out spare room* Okay. Whenever you're ready to become a citizen. Got a room set up.
ex_dovil323
Oct. 13th, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC)
Re: <-- look at them queer-mos all hopped up on The Drugs
It's true! It's gay kittens hyped up on E at a rave! Dragging the world down, with their filth and their drugs and their sodomy! Unchristian same sex sodomy unlike the god fearing kind that happens between a husband and a wife, with their god fearing sling room, and bondage gear and livestock, which is not of the same gender!

If I cut up a piece of green paper into a card that means I'm in, right?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
Well, you I'll remember, but everyone else can fuck themselves.

Ultraviolet! Well, they did have it on DVD at Amazon, but it was $50. Isn't it only one season?

What I'm DESPERATE for is This Life. GAH. Jack Davenport, naughty, naked, and ungh. (Oh, GOD, have you SEEN the Mary Bryant trailer? With Jack NAKED with her STRADDLING HIM? ON A SHIP!??) *passes out* I may need to write some sailor porn. Heee!
(Deleted comment)
tropnevad
Oct. 14th, 2005 07:21 am (UTC)
You are a shameless tease, Ms. Stoney. You taunt me with your words and flaunt your boobies at me.
stoney321
Oct. 14th, 2005 07:33 am (UTC)
Oh, My Jack, my sekrit boyfriend...

Why hasn't the BBC released S 2 of This Life??

You are NAKED in it! A shamless bastard in it! I MUST HAVE IT. :-)

*flashes boobies at you to make you MINE*
mrmonkeybottoms
Oct. 13th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
I will love you forever for that link. I've seen the Shining link (brilliant) but the others! The crazy cats! The Napolean Dynamite commercial! The link to Kanye West and Mike Myers! Flippin sweet!
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 09:50 pm (UTC)
DUDE. www.milkandcookies>.com has EVERYTHING you could want. Also, if you aren't down like athe sound from the underground with www.kittenpants.com you should be. Their favorites have great stuff.

And as you are who introduced me to the Fensler Films, it's the least I could do. They complete me.

(You had me at Pork Chop Sandwiches/)
somecandytalkin
Oct. 13th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
Catch you on the flip side with some dap, ho...
Hey, Miss L.!
1. I'm so happy for you. That's a great story, if it's what I think it is! Wo0t!

2.Glad you also have a weird He-Man thing. Although, Skeletor is my favorite. I like the Dkel man. Have you seen this one? Number 9 is the slashiest, in my opinion. www. skeletorizzle. It's just like, a minute long. And there's the Ray Harryhausen one, but you've probably seen that. Also primo.

3. This sex filter is a new thing? Or have I just not been paying attention?
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
No, sex filter is new. Or rather... it will be.

And Skeletor TOTALLY makes it better. (next week during the week? You say when.)
allegraconbrio
Oct. 13th, 2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
I am still not sure why I saw Leno in concert in the 80's - hey it was Indiana and pickings were slim. Ha!

I also watched way too much He-man in the mid-80's. No school for 6 weeks while I was recuping from a sad, geeky, spazzy moment that resulted in some broken bones. There was no cable - but there was He-man. Woot.

I miss Patsy and Edina. *sob* There is always Stoli.

And enough random - you, good with the short story. Oprah or Harpo or whatnot. You know that Dave would so want you on the desk stripping off your top ala Drew. Rock. (Ha - I keeed. but I loved that, heee)
stoney321
Oct. 13th, 2005 09:54 pm (UTC)
Dave WOULD want me to take off my top! I have a sweet rack. Hee hee!!

Ah, He-Man. And Thundercats, thundercats, thundercats HO!!!!. No? Just me?

Best cartoon of my childhood: G FORCE. (Oh my god, I FANGIRLED - I've just realized this! - a CARTOON as a child. And now my shame circle is complete.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 14th, 2005 10:02 am (UTC)
BETH. I told you we would be there. Tell me when and where and we will all be there!

Mr. S just told me you called? TELL ME WHERE!! We will be there, and are NOT square!

It might be easier for us to go down there? TELL ME. Email or here.
hellziggy
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:20 pm (UTC)
And here is where I butt into youse guys' conversation just to say:
I live only 15 miles from Aveda's headquarters, so I can't throw a hairstylist without hitting Aveda products. Nyah nyah! :)

I ♥ Aveda too!
( 42 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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