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Dear Gott en Himmel Bad!(great)fic!

Let me preface this with I felt like a kid in a candy store last night. My lovely ficwriter, who shall remain nameless - please don't call her out here kthx - is back with more goodies. Let me preface this with the following disclaimer, because LJ can be a wonky place:

THIS IS TERRIBLE PROSE. This is over-the-top. It IS. Now. This girl has been given con-crit, helpful advice, and she is not interested in improving her writing. So? I see this as the equivalent of the black bar over the "fashion don't" in Cosmo. If you are a tender soul who cannot see that I am having fun with bad word usage, you should scroll on. I am not condoning going into this person's personal space and mocking her, because that's mean. There is a subtle difference between having fun with over-the-top language and rubbing a person's nose in it. Ahem.

Now, on with the hypocrisy show!!



  • (it's raining in the fic) [Buffy is] wishing she could turn back the hands of time to change [her shoes] so they wouldn't get ruined. Really. Really? you have the power to control time, and you want to change your SHOES? Not... end slavery, or stop that bus from running over Granny, but change your SHOES? Is this Cordelia or Buffy?

  • [re: rain]: Mother Nature's tears seeped through the fine suede material. Mother Nature is crying because she forgot to water-proof the cows the suede came from and they are big water balloons in the fields...

  • She enjoyed the feeling of pleasant stirrings in her lower regions. The people of Columbia called that "political upheaval," and it was far from pleasant, but Buffy didn't score well in Geography, so... *shrugs*

  • Her collection of come-fuck-me pumps Sue! That makes the 23 time she's used that phrase!! And really, Buffy should have a collection of "Come-Fuck-Me" SIGNS. More economical, direct, and to the point.

  • Her husband's penis was as beautiful as his face. Oh, that's just sad. Now, Xander post S7 I could believe, but Spike? (One eye) And penises? They are NOT beautiful. Fun, pleasing, sometimes funny or wee, but BEAUTIFUL? ANd now I'm thinking of Mr. Hankey's pornographic novel.

  • She licked her lips, which suddenly became dry as she pictured the erect power of [his penis] filling her, moving back and forth inside her like the wipers across the windshield. Let's just take a moment here. Take a moment and imagine a PENIS swiping back and forth your vag walls like a WINDSHIELD WIPER. Would it make that noise? You know... The vooo-screee! noise. This may be the best thing written EVER.

  • She could still make him harder than Chinese Arithmetic. Let's ignore the blatant racism there and get to the meat of it: the Chinese have their OWN math??? And it's so important as to be capitalized? Whoa. No wonder that stereotype of Asians and math is so pervasive. They have their OWN kind of math. And folks, it's difficult. Some might say hard.

  • Buffy increased the pressure on his package. "Dammit, Buffy! That's Lalique crystal for my boss! Quit putting pressure on it! You'll tear the gift wrapping!"

  • Her hot quim enveloped him. They sighed as the flesh of their sexes made contact. It was the sexual que... *gets out decoder ring* I am an idiot. OH. Quim? Not a sexy word. That's something that boys in private school in England - still in short pants - would giggle and say over a swiped girlie mag in the locker room between classes. Sexual que? Obviously she means queue, but WHAT? Sexual line of people? *cries*

  • Buffy was riding him with the ease of an equestrian...while he stimulated her to a gallop. The crop came out of nowhere. She didn't mind the stirrups so much, but they did double fault over the water hazard, losing a few points. Pity.

  • They kissed, feeling the love they had for each other spread to all the unfilled places. Like their sinuses, that spot behind her ear, under their nails, their bottom-holes, that crease between the fourth and third toe... Filled.

  • Buffy searched the glove compartment for some napkins to wipe up the excessive wetness from their mixed juices. Holy Jesus. "You got your dick milk in my quim juice!" "You got your quim juice in my dick milk!" Two great tastes that taste great... *throws up a little* Why? WHY??!

  • Wicked and demanding words like "kiss me" "fuck me" "eat me" orbited around her and the didn't have to be performed in a certain order. First off, they're called commas. Learn to love them. Not in a certain order? Okay.. "Fuck eat." "Me me." "Me kiss." *orbits* *picks up intergalactic dust*



Okay, I'm not even going to MENTION the menstrual stuff. Because... Even *I* have my limits. red essence??

But wait... there's more. So much more.


  • Both hands supported the base of his erection that begged for a strong stroking only to be held as if she was about to give an acceptance speech before taking it into her mouth. "I woulh lahk to shank ee ah-cah-ah-mee for glaaaaahhhhh"

  • Cold ejaculate coated her lips, running down her chin and onto her breasts. With zero inhibition, she sucked her lips into her mouth then cleared the remnants with one sweep of her tongue. Now wait. This is human AU. WHY is his seed cold? Is it dead? And confidentally, Buff, let's crank that inhibition up to 4, shall we? Okay, then.

  • He wrapped his strong arms around her. "I'm going to be all over you." "Like stink on shit. Like white on rice. Like a duck on a June bug. All. Over. You. You may stop breathing at some point, but I'll never let go. Or get off. And I mean climb off, because I plan on shooting my cold ejaculate all over your-" Too much? Okay. Moving on.

  • She closed her eyes, dangling her tongue. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Do that. Right now. I dare you not to laugh. Now, say, "glllaaaaah!" Ha ha! AWESOME.

  • She was tropic down below as his mouth found her clit and soft outer lips fragranced with her scent. Spike slipped her the hot tongue surprise, opening Buffy like the middle of a book. Oh, this one is just a simple typo: "The Hot Tongue Surprise." She's into smells, this one. Guess she's never been in a used book store. And if you see this "special" at your local deli, I'd take a pass. Go for the Tuna Melt. *snerk*

  • Buffy's clit was always on the look out for a quick feel but nothing had prepared her for her fallen angel's tongue expedition that made her want to be fucked more than anything. He'd eaten her so good she thought she would never stop coming. Her God induced orgasm caused her body to shake. Am I the only one imagining a little clit in a Sherlock Holmes hat and magnifying glass "on the look out?" Personification is FUN. And I'm thinking eventually...eventually I would want to stop coming. The dehydration alone would be inducement enough. And if I was Spike, I'd either be proud that Buffy called me "God" or a bit pissed off. Hey! I'm eating you out good! Fire pretty!

  • planting cunt kisses Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, how does your garden grow? With a leaking cock, and quims that gawk, and cunt kisses all in a row. OH. She has an AUTHOR'S NOTE about this:




A/N: In case you were wondering, cunt kisses are kisses given to you after someone has tasted your vagina during sex. See, now I'm back to my theory that this is a 12 year old boy in a Scandinavian country with a translation program. WOW. I'm so glad that has a name. I've been calling it KISSING. While having sex. Or actually, I don't call it anything. It just sorta happens.

Someone unpacked their adjectives. Maybe they need to go back into the attic.




Last time I'll pimp, but today is Biography Day at a_list_celebs. So far Donatella Versace is up, Prince should go up in an hour, and the rest of the crew will be posting throughout the day. Good starting point, for those interested in following. a_lister_fans is the feedback comm. We promise entertainment, funny, silliness, etc. OR WE WILL DIE TRYING. Wanna join? Play along? Check out the comm's user info. It's laid back and silly, yo.

Comments

( 81 comments — Leave a comment )
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timeofchange
Nov. 2nd, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
I'm moved. No, really.
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:00 am (UTC)
*moves you back* I liked you where you were.

:-D Heh.
tx_cronopio
Nov. 2nd, 2005 07:47 am (UTC)
And here I was facing a gloomy Weds! I now am newly inspired!
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:00 am (UTC)
I bring you the joy of laughter and fun! *squishes you*
yin_again
Nov. 2nd, 2005 07:48 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for the hysterical laughter - I needed that.

tongue expidetion - all I can see is a party of tongues with the leader in a pith helmet and monocle, and little native-bearer tongues carrying their shit and a tongue with a turban mixing martinis and setting up the tent.
trepkos
Nov. 2nd, 2005 07:53 am (UTC)
This image nearly made me cover my keyboard in tea.
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:01 am (UTC)
Hooray! Oh, but it isn't officially mine... Only the mocking.

Hooray! Crap on that bad day! I egress over your bad day seated in my audience, and snap at it like a pissed off aligator, uhhhhnnnnnn, hunnnnuhhhnnnn!
trepkos
Nov. 2nd, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
It's fear of the word "quim" that prevents me from reading most het. or femslash.

That and the folds.


stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:02 am (UTC)
Quim. QUIM. How the HELL is that a good word? There is excellent het out there. It - like all good smex - should be left in the hands of adults who have HAD sex. Preferably with something other than their hand.

Or, you know... isn't 12.
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inlovewithnight
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:00 am (UTC)
"God induced orgasm."

I just sat here for quite a while trying to decide on the best punch line for this, but really, I think I'll just let you make up your own.

Or maybe I should ask God over at the celeb comm.
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:03 am (UTC)
Yes! Yes you should!

WOW. God induced orgasm. Holy jeez. I was CACKLING last night reading all the new stories. Oh, it's Christmas come early!
poshcat
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:01 am (UTC)
Bwahahahaha!

::slips you the hot tongue surprise::
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:03 am (UTC)
*shrieks from surprise!*

But I ordered the clam pie and tuna melt!
julia_here
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:13 am (UTC)
You know, it's really bad for me to be reading this kind of stuff when I'm trying to go get Miss Perfect to go do her homework, because the giggling diminishes my parental authoority.

Julia, oh, blessed late start (except for the part where I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:44 am (UTC)
Screw that parental authority. Show her this stuff, and scare the celibacy right into her.

It's an excellent form of punishment.
bisi
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:21 am (UTC)
ADMIT IT, IT TURNS YOU ON!

o my god, I'm trying to write a sex scene and I'm not sure it's any better than this.
*runs away, crying*
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:45 am (UTC)
IT HAS TO BE.

Oh, honey, there's NO WAY it's at this level. This is the girl who described Buffy's orgasm as" snapping muscles at his cock, like a pissed off aligator."

WITHOUT IRONY.
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tinpanalley
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:37 am (UTC)

OMG, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! There are so many priceless phrases! I can't even pick my favorite! Thanks for the laughs!!! :)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:46 am (UTC)
Hooray! Missin accomplished. Now.. youdo realize there are 10 more of these posts in my memories, riiiiiight?

Good for those bad "I need a laugh" days. :-D
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chantal87
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:49 am (UTC)
I have to say I am so glad you are keeping up with her fic. My brain fried from it all about 6 months ago.
Ah, the hot tongue surprise.
I'm so gleeful right now.
::bounces you on my knee::
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 08:53 am (UTC)
Hee!! And I had a happy You moment last night while reading the crap. *sigh* soooo many months ago you led me to her...
menomegirl
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:01 am (UTC)
Thank you for the smiles and the laughter. And now I feel all glowing over my rant about the word cum...and that involved slash.

And errr...quim?

Speechless.
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
Hooray! And you are WELCOME. (cough) there are ten more posts like this in my memories, should you feel the need...

CUM. Yes. That is a LATIN word, I thank you. I prefer come. If... it's even used. She also likes "egressed."

O_O
lennongirl
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:01 am (UTC)
Donatella is love, I must say.
leatherybeetch
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:07 am (UTC)
Ahahaha. Ah, babies, I fahking lahv you. *seeps dreenk* I thought I was all alone with the crazy crybabies of EMO, the fahk? So... we got us a new neighborhood before the old neighborhood had signs of the LIFE.

I fahking lahv you, beetch.
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
HOORAY! Hi, Mari! *sends you giggles and hugs*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:12 am (UTC)
I wonder if she thinks clogs are also "come fuck me" shoes. Flip flops? Moon boots a la Napoleon Dynamite? SHOES. Shoes = fuck me.

Yeah, I had a convo last night with someone about MSTK3ing, and decided to put the disclaimer up there. This isn't about making fun of a PERSON, but the horrible abuse of the English language. I can't help it that the same person keeps giving me fodder!

WINDSHIELD WIPERS. I fully expect you to start cracking up next time you are driving around in the rain. Imagine little penises wiping the glass clean. Now... hit the sprayers. HAHAHAHAHA!!! They've egressed alllll over the glass. Mmmm. HAWT.
julissak01
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:11 am (UTC)
Hmmm... *tries reading it with one of her eyes closed, head tilted to the side, hoping for improvement, or for subliminal messages to shine through*

That is SO much better than good fic. *nods*

*cracks up*
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:13 am (UTC)
Oh, you better NOT be trying to make sense of this!! You'll bust a blood vessel or something!

*laughs*

Windshield wiper dicks. Just... just get a visual. WOW.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:20 am (UTC)
Oh, she'll come up with words for you, don't you worry.

*secretly looooooves the badness* It's provided me with some of my best material! Bad!(great)fic - havin' fun since Christmas of '04!
thepiratequeen
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:17 am (UTC)
I'm asking for 50 pairs of "come fuck me pumps" for Christmas. I plan to use them to find a man who is talented enough to open me like the middle of a book.

*WEEPS*
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:21 am (UTC)
DOn't forget the "Come Fuck Me" signs. Simpler, and cheaper.

Plus? Handles.

*pets you, hands you bleach* Shhhh. It'll be okay. Maybe.
_tayler
Nov. 2nd, 2005 09:36 am (UTC)
Side splitting!!
No really...*looks about for large safety pins*

Wow...that is some good bad!fic.
I love the mocking...it's absolutely the ONLY way I could read the fic, and have much love for the writer.
Always much love for the MOCKER of course!
Thanks for sharing the laughs...MOCK ON!
XoXo
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 10:34 am (UTC)
MOCK ON! *clap clap* MOCK OFF! *clap clap*

Mock on, mock off... the mocker.

Your icon makes me soooo happy.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 10:35 am (UTC)
No, no, Beth the quim QUE. It's like you don't know how to spell check, put a sentence together, make up things as euphemisms for sex, gross people out, cause puppies to die...

What's up with that?
crayonbreakygal
Nov. 2nd, 2005 10:57 am (UTC)
I don't even know what to say. Huh?

I almost woke up the sleeping baby in my arms trying not to laugh. Kind of difficult. Next time I read your post, I'll put the baby down first.

Now that my brain has been fried, I should go eat lunch or something.
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
Are you gonna have some of Campbell's lesser known soups for lunch?

:-D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Holy Racism, Batman! It boggles the mind that this person doesn't realize that MATH IS UNIVERSAL. For starters.

And why doesn't she go further? His cock was as hard as an Eskimo's harpoon. Her keening wail at climax was not unlike those Indian women in mourning. He lied to her about her cellulite like George Bush lied to America.
alizarin_nyc
Nov. 2nd, 2005 01:01 pm (UTC)
This is a priceless jewel, not to be denied to the public. No! Never. It is a rare gem that must be displayed for all to see.

*snerk*
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 02:25 pm (UTC)
*laughs and laughs*

Yes. A PRECIOUS GEM. *winks*
_divya_
Nov. 2nd, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC)
o.O

HEE.

Dude, I recognize that chinese arithmetic thing. (Sorry, Chinese Arithmetic. Can't forget the capital letters. Why?) Have you ever heard of Craig Shoemaker? He's a comedian who does a character called The Lovemaster? He says that, except I think he actually says, "chinese algebra". It's funny when Craig says it, because it's SUPPOSED to be offensive.

Someone unpacked their adjectives.

AHHAHA! YAY!
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 02:26 pm (UTC)
I knew you'd appreciate that one! Whee!

DUDE. The Chinese have their own arithemtic! Next you'll be telling me Northern Indians have their own computer language, and Russians like potatoes!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 2nd, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
I, too, am in favor of a courtesy wipe. But what is special, is the level of detail in the story. With the rifling about for BURGER KING (okay, she doesn't mention them, but where the hell ELSE are you getting extra napkins?) napkins to wipe up her EXCESSIVE juices.

Because honestly? I make juuuuust enough. Never an EXSESSIVE amount, I'm fairly sure.

Windshield wiper. It bears repeating.
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( 81 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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