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You know why dumb people are important?

Because you can compare yourself to them and feel better. Happy Sabbath! Ha. Oh, unless you are Hebrew or a non-believer, and then, happy day of avoiding obnoxious families in restaurants!

People who made me simultaeously angry and happy (about myself):

  • A mom, dressed in her keeyoot and hip outfit, with a stylish bag and shoes, jabbering on a cell phone while her 3 year old boy THREW himself on the floor in the grocery store, screaming for some candy. She continued to roll her eyes and TURN HER BACK ON HIM - you know, to teach him a lesson? Then, huffed into the phone, told her friend she "had to go," and CALLED SOMEONE ELSE. I picked Emily, my 4 year old, up and kissed her all over. She continued playing with her toy aligator.

  • The father, smacking on gum, his polo collar turned up a la Abercrombie and Fitch who pinched his wife on her - yes, it was pilates trim - ass then continued to ignore his son and gesture at his wife for the "problem" on the floor. I can't stand bad kids, but I HAAAATE bad parents. I guess I'm not so bad as I think...

  • Busting my "behind our house" neighbors for using their leaf blower to get their grass clipping into my yard. Yes, yes, I do just rake them into the compost heap, but that isn't the POINT.

In other news... my mother in law is apparently cooking Thanksgiving this year. Which - that's my job. Okay, less dishes to wash, but beadtific? I know you'll get this. She doesn't cook anything...interesting. SUE. She makes PEPPERIDGE FARM stuffing. !!!! I ask you. From a MIX? A box?? We may be having another large dinner on Saturday at my house because I loooooove cooking big feasts. Good thing: she is the owner of her kitchen, so I won't need to force small talk and help. I can read a book in the living room until we eat. Hooray!

Also: my grandmother, my mother's mother, is turning 75, so I will be in the same room with my biological mother for an afternoon. BUT. I will be soaking up the idiosynchracies particular to my family and will have many funny things to share. Best thing uttered at a maternal-side family gathering: "Quit y'all's shit! It's fam'ly time!" Uttered by my mother, while wearing skin-tight red leather pants, a leather BUSTIER, and leather jacket. And high-heeled boots. At Christmas. Aw! Sass adds class.

Runner up? My cousin, six months pregnant and big as a house dropping the bombshell, "y'all? I got sumthin' ta say. I'm pregnant." HA HA HA!! NOOOO!!! What? Uh uh!

And winning the bronze medal, my then-15-year-old cousin announcing her plans to marry, and my mother discreetly (a first for her!) asking if she was "in the family way" and my cousin in her loud East Texas twang: "Naw. Ched (chad) cain't gimme no babies. He got one uh his nuts crushed, gettin' poled in a fight."

No, wait. That might need to be number one. Okay, my family, ladies and gentlemen. Is it any wonder that I don't fit in with them? Of course, to them, *I'm* the weird one. With my "books" and mah learnin'. Mah high falootin' learnin'.

Oh, MAN I have been in a FUNK this week. My funny was broke, my husband was gone and too busy to chat like we regularly do, Sue was swamped, Chrissy was swamped and waaaaaaaaah! Today is the day of good times and funny, do you hear me?! I have found more bad!fic, and there is a NEED for laughter, I can FEEL IT.

Okay. Now I go for a run, get those endorphins kicking in, and then time to bring the funny. Who's with me? *weak cheer* I SAID WHO'S WITH ME??


( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 13th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
::sends much funny your way and a smutty icon::
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:52 am (UTC)
GLAH. I saw this before I headed off for a jog and now I have porn in my head that needs a-writin'.

Nov. 13th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)

I'm going out for the afternoon, but I'll check back later for funny and Stoney-luvin'!
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:53 am (UTC)
I LOVE YOUR ICON!!!!! Oh my GOD I love that movie. *does not admit that I can do a lot of the cheering - minus the stunts*
Nov. 13th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
Oh, cripes, that reminds me, where's the baby-shower announcement for my cousin Punkie's daughter? Who has already named the baby, using her mother's maiden name?

Your mother's one of those ladies who, when I went shopping in the Parks because my bag of clothing got left at home on the way to Texas, looked at me like I should be arrested for public indecency for walking around with a nekkid face, isn't she?

Julia, not that I would mind having the kind of body which could wear leather pants and a leather bustier
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:55 am (UTC)
Yes, my mother is just that woman. I swear, she was trying to get me in bikinis and makeup as soon as I hit the teen years, and I shaved my head and wore black. Nice.

I will say this about the woman: she's a looker. But really. Once you hit a certain age, and aren't Sophia Lauren (her idol, wait, no it would be Racquel Welch) you really shouldn't pour yourself into that kind of leather. My opinion, obviously, counts for nothing.
Nov. 13th, 2005 10:20 am (UTC)
I would add to your rant about bad parents, too, except I went to IKEA yesterday (IKEA! On Saturday! ARGH!) and it hurts to think about that subject.

Julia, I taught my kids not to scream in public, and they're not timid or traumatized nor do they, apparently, hate me all that much
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:27 am (UTC)
UGH. There seem to be two types of bad parents: those that want to be "cool" and those that had kids to be an accessory.
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:03 am (UTC)
I HATE bad parents too, and I just bet you an AWESOME Mom.
More bad!fic? Bring it 'cause girl I NEED the funny today.
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:56 am (UTC)
UGH. The horribly bad parenting! And they ignore their kids, then get pissed when the kids act out, and up to a point, it isn't the kids' fault! GRRRR.

WOOOOOOOOT! Some's cumming, UNF UNF UNF!!
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:15 am (UTC)
"Naw. Ched (chad) cain't gimme no babies. He got one uh his nuts crushed, gettin' poled in a fight."

Is it wrong that this made me thing of Cletus and Lurlene from The Simpsons? *sings* "Some folks'll never lose a toe, but then again some folk'll..."

Cannot wait for the bad!fic mockfest EEEEEEEE!
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:58 am (UTC)
Okay, warsh up Cleetus, and throw on him a sports jersy, then give Lurlene a crimping iron and some free samples of Estee Lauder from a friend who knows somebody up at the mall, and there you are.

*Lurlene, after being handed a knocked-loose tooth at a sporting event, and jammed it in the blank space in front of her mouth exclaims: Lookit me! I look like Britney Speeeears!
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:16 am (UTC)
::hugs and snuggles you:: Good times and funny! Yay!

I was on a manic "want to bring the funny!" spree last night, but sadly it's fandom-sensitive funny. Curses.

But I have book recs for you! Have you read Laurie Notaro's books? Humorous essay-type-things, adapted from a newspaper column. The first one's called "The Idiot Girls Action-Adventure Club." These books make me laugh so hard I fall down, and I was reading the Christmas collection that just came out and found myself thinking "OMG Stoney would LOVE this." :) Yes, I sometimes randomly think of you when something makes me laugh. Because you're just that awesome.

Go forth and run!
Nov. 13th, 2005 09:59 am (UTC)
I DO NOT KNOW THIS BOOK! Hurrah! Tomorrow is new book day, and I will now have something solid to look for!

You are LOVELY and I squish you! *gently because OMG, I could break you, you pixie!*
Nov. 13th, 2005 08:01 pm (UTC)
For a preview of this FABULOUS book, go here: http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/1002/notaro/excerpt.html
It is the chapter titled Make Me Laugh, Clown!.
Nov. 13th, 2005 10:43 am (UTC)
"Naw. Ched (chad) cain't gimme no babies. He got one uh his nuts crushed, gettin' poled in a fight."

I hope Chad's lady makes sure to get him checked out by a doctor. My dad told my mom he was sterile, because his mom had told him that after he had the mumps as a kid....needless to say, my big sister was something of a surprise.

Nov. 13th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
HA! This was about.... 13 years ago? And the done got themselves a dee-vorce two years later.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:30 am (UTC)
A BOX. A box for stuffing when I will GLADLY make cornbred from scratch and make a huge pan. GLADLY.

BAH. And now I want to hear the FLowers in the Attic yams, because I don't remember anything other than the arsenic donuts, and the OH YEAH: Brother/Sister sex.

And the midget and ballet. And a soap key? I need to re-read those. I remember my group of friends passing those books around in the 8th grade like we passed "Forever" by Judy Blume around in the 6th. Heh.
Nov. 13th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
Just think how many copies Judy Blume would have sold of "Forever" if we could have actually bought it. I think every copy was passed to at least dozens of people because we were all afraid to let our parents see it! Which was silly, because my mom would have had NO clue what I was reading!
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:11 am (UTC)
Ha! This was great!

Why you funny broked last week?

*is glad it's a fresh, new week*

I made the best thing Friday night - mustard greens, red bell pepper (both from my garden!) garlic, olive oil, red onion and couscous. Oh, and a leetle parmesan. It was delicious! Yore Thanksgiving talk made me think of it and I knew you'd appreciate the garden freshness.

Are they cookin' at y'all's house or their's? I'm having the Corsicana bunch Thursday (He don't - grown man on B's side - He don't eat turkey, so what you gonna fix fer him?) but then Saturday we're going out to our friend's farm for Thanksgiving Lobster. And Cabrito, go figure. They're our Green Acres friends. Dahlin' I love ya, but gimme Park Avenue.

I'm all hyper this morning...um, afternoon.

Ummm, I close with 'Some folk'll never eat a skunk, but then again, some folk'll...."
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC)
I don't KNOW! But it was clean broke. I'm trying... Just a poopy week where I pined for everyone I love, it seems. PINED! *collapses on the DEE-van*

Cooking at hers. She will clean. She is OCD, so I am not allowed in the kitchen, which is fine. Thanksgiving Cabrito? YUM.

HYPER! Me, too! But in my head only, because I ran a looooong way today and I am TIRED in body. But it's a good hurt, Clem.

"You ate sand?"
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:35 am (UTC)
"We ate sand."

Also? OCD RULZ. When it involves kitchen cleaning that is not done by me.
Nov. 13th, 2005 11:36 am (UTC)
Speaking of OCD...
Umm...That was me.

*must* remember to sign in!
Nov. 13th, 2005 12:40 pm (UTC)
"Of course, to them, *I'm* the weird one. With my "books" and mah learnin'. Mah high falootin' learnin'."

All uppity on your high horse!!11!1!

*pets your snooty arse* ;)

Gawd I love other peoples families.
Nov. 13th, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahaha!!! Your ICON! Love it. Speaking of family, how's that new grandbaby of yours??

*climbs off high horse using the Big Ladder to hear you*
Nov. 13th, 2005 03:54 pm (UTC)
He's doing great Sweetie!
Unfortunately my daughter tells me he's one of those babies who likes to sleep all day and party at night. She's not terribly impressed with that.
Nov. 13th, 2005 06:03 pm (UTC)
BABY!! Oh, the night owl, huh? If mom can get some sleep during the day, maybe that would help...

*rocks the baby so everyone can get some sleep*
Nov. 13th, 2005 12:53 pm (UTC)
Dear god, your mamma's family sounds like my daddy's family. After a while the favorite game was "how many chillun' does cousin Patty have now?" Swear it got to be like one of those count the beans in the jar game. I would just sit back and marvel at the genetic material she would find...:shudder: And we all know the line "Thank heavens your dear departed grandmother is not here to see this!" Um...yeah, cause bein' dead is so much better than being able to hold great-grandchildren. O_o
And bad children...urgh. Mine are 20 and almost 15, but I remember when they were little, I would get compliments on how "well behaved" they were. Well behaved amounted to staying in the booth the entire time we were in a restaurant and saying please and thank you. These are things I couldn't fathom them 'not' doing, so it always befuddle me a bit. Ah, well, I have always said that there are people who should be spayed or neutered at birth. Cousin Patty comes to mind.
Nov. 13th, 2005 01:46 pm (UTC)
Hee hee! I love how you brought it all back around with your last line. Bwah! And YES. Not everyone should have kids. Hell, I probably shouldn't have kids. There should be rigorous testing before you can pro-create.

And the puppy in your icon!! *snuggles the golden fur*
Nov. 13th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
Hee! I love your family. We have similar conversations, except with a Canadian accent, eh.

Nov. 13th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
Hee hee!! Are you the black sheep of the family, too?

*gets out back bacon and some beer, hoser*
Nov. 13th, 2005 06:21 pm (UTC)
For my entire childhood, I remember screaming matches and emotional back stabbing, and people leaving in a huff in the middle of the night -- and also having so much fun and talking until the wee hours of the morning, and great food OMG.

For better or worse, after my mom died I just stopped seeing the people who were the problem. Cut them out for good. Now there is next to zero drama, and still lots of good food. Heh. The worst we do is complain about what a brat my sister's kid is. She is, though. You have no idea. :0P My extended family think I'm some sort of snobby bitch. At least, that's what I hear since I don't talk to them anymore. Yay!

Example of my screwed up family:

My sister: "Oh, isn't Grace's house beautiful! I can't believe she decorated it all herself!"

My aunt: "Yes, they cut off both her breasts because of the cancer, you know."

Heeeeeeee. They are just a world of WTF.
Nov. 13th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha!! Oh, Poshy. The aunt! There's my family. Except my mother is the worst of them all, hence the me cutting her out of my life almost entirely. (I let my kids talk to her, when she remembers they exist and guilt-calls)

There was the Christmas (the "I'm pregnant" one) where my grandmother, drunk on strawberry daquiris (uh... happy holidays?) exclaimed she was going to get herself a black boyfriend. To show that she wasn't racist.

I see.

Yeah, can't imagine why I don't associate with these people, except to get more fodder for writing. And now I have no drama, either. It's FANTASTIC.
Nov. 14th, 2005 01:04 am (UTC)
If it helps my family is a pack of NZ-Irish Catholic alcoholics, so possibly vaguely similar to yours except you have cooler accents. Then of course my mum remarried, into a family of NZ-French Catholic alcoholics. Yay.

Sorry that you've been in a funk, I defunk you with mystical herbs and chanting and other forms of grass and regaee.

It's like I do like that there are dumb people, because as you say it is good for ones ego. But surely there is only a need for a handful or so and I really do think we've become over prescribed. I think there needs to be a culling, or is that illegal?
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:29 am (UTC)
Hi, I'm just catching up on posts. Pepperidge Farm Stuffing? The woman must be stopped! Like good cornbread stuffing is hard to make. Pshaw!

The only thing I cannot make is that weird cream of cum mushroom/greenbean thing, because I didn't grow up with it. Whenever I try to use the recipe on the can it turns out wrong, probably because I cannot resist trying to "improve" it.

Quit y'all's shit, it's family time! Priceless. (probably more so for me than you) xox
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:43 am (UTC)
<-- not just for chicken.
I mean, you're already making something, why not just... make the real thing? (I am the ONLY one in my family who like the green bean casserole thing, so I don't even bother making it anymore. Le sigh.

Here's a trick: make the "ring" of fried onions halfway through baking to keep them crispy.
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
"Naw. Ched (chad) cain't gimme no babies. He got one uh his nuts crushed, gettin' poled in a fight."

That's bloody priceless!
(Deleted comment)
( 39 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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