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Like a pig in shit. That would be me with this next batch. And since we have people that can't appreciate the fantasticalness of mocking... HA! I am winning friends and influencing people already, I can tell. Here's the standard statement, because I don't feel like flocking.

Disclaimer: This is about poking fun at over the top language. I do not support, nor will I abide the author being "outed," insulted personally, or linking to her/his works. Yeah, I know some of you know who she/he is, but most don't, so just have fun with the words, and not attack the person. I'll delete your comment if you link to the author or name them, okay? Everyone feel better now? Okay! Put your drink down. Fair warning!



In the "That word... I do not think it means... what you think it means" Category:

  • Her eyes wondered the room and focused on his bedside drawer. Then Buffy felt her way over to the orbs on the floor and popped the philosophical trouble-makers back into their sockets.

  • She teased [the slit] to produce the clear liquid excitement and trialed hot wet kisses back up. Excitement. Well. Now I really think they're a he. Here's a tip: it's only exciting if it's being shot in your eye during a christening. By the priest. TRIALED? *slams gavel on the cock!* I decree this weiner exciting!

  • ...over and over until his clouded excitement filled her mouth Clouded excitement. Let the icon making begin.

  • ...flesh impacted flesh Okay, the improper use of impacted drives me NUTS. If you cannot shit, your bowels are impacted. If you tooth won't come out, it is impacted. Two broken ends of your thigh bone trapped under your skin? Impacted. Something collides with something else? It HAD a strong impact with the other thing. Impact (as in collide) is a noun. The adjective - not verb - is about poop. That is not sex-talk.

  • ...cunt waves "They're Tsunamical!!" This could be a new hairstyle, like finger waves. I have no idea.

  • Buffy knew nothing would fully rid herself of him sense she was hooked on his semen for life Oh, dear lord. How many TIMES do I have to tell you people that semen tastes like a handfull of nickels on a hot day? SENSE. That's a hard one, apparently, and cropped up time and time again, along with want/won't. Which is just bizarre to get wrong.



In the "So. You skipped Biology class a lot. Right?" category, also known as "No. Bodies don't work like that. AT ALL":

  • the intensity of the soul-stirring kiss made her heart beat rapidly in her chest and her vagina Whoa! Wasn't there someone on Star Trek with two hearts? Am I mixing up my sci-fi? Maybe Spike is blowing too hard if he is pushing her heart down into her cootchie...

  • ...as the muscles of her quim...licked and tickled him to orgasm ENOUGH WITH THE MOUTH METAPHORS. Vaginas are not REALLY mouths. And therefore cannot LICK. And ick to "quim" for the thousandth time. Not a hot word. Just me?

  • Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie." "Man never did walk on the moon." "This author is award winning." Wait, wait. The last one is true. The pussy cannot be trusted!



In the "Let's just take a baseball bat to the dictionary, because it's not doing you any good" Category:

  • They had a lunch slash hotel date. Okay, we say slash, but um... it doesn't - . *sigh* Hotel/lunch. Why was that hard?

  • She kissed the head of his maleness You know, the part that caused him to tune her out when she spoke, leave his socks in the middle of the floor, use every dish in the house when he microwaved leftovers... His maleness.

  • [William, licking the alphabet on her lady-bits] causing her to rain hard cum drops. A less popular brand of candy from Brachs, true.

  • He lingered in her thoughts like smoke in a man's pipe And his rain hard cum drops required a special bristle brush to be cleaned out, just like crusted old tobacco in a man's pipe. And why is it a MAN'S pipe? No women chomping on the corn cob? Hee hee! That's a dick joke!

  • ...thoughts of missing him entered her mind. Which was strange, as she normally kept her thoughts in her vagina, you know - with her heart.



Small category, but always necessary: "I am NOT a MARY SUE! Okay, I totally am."
(a romantic evening's plans)

  • She and William were going to watch her favorite movie, Pretty Woman. Aw! The hooker movie where she gets punched in the eye! And still takes the money. That's a great movie.

  • They were going to stay in and make tacos and margaritas. Tacos. The food of romance! Also: you KNOW you went there with the word taco. Don't front. Am I the only one thinking of Señor Draco?


William has written poetry to express his feelings for Buffy:

  • "The silent speeches from your eyes/I know you want to say this is deep/Baby its very grand!" If anyone could explain this to me, that would be great. No, wait. That would be GRAND! Let's all go down and fly kites and drink lemonade. *harumphs and puffs out chest as the barbershop quartet harmonizes the latest melodies - because that is grand.*



In the "That is not even the TINIEST bit sexy, and I'm a forgiving person" Category:

  • ...she was coming, voicing her ecstasy through exaggerated sounds of the letter M followed by the word "yes." Okay, this was a tough one, because it could have gone above. But I sat here, and tried to make those sounds. Followed by yes. Do it: make exaggerated M sounds. And then a rousing yes. Are you turned on? Okay, I totally am now that you're doing it. Chicky-bow-wow.

  • ...the white-headed blonde man All I'm saying is a little witch hazel on those white heads will clear you up. You're blonde, chances are you're fair skinned, those white-heads aren't exactly hiding, hear what I'm sayin', hombre?

  • ...locked like mating insects Has to be one! They put one in every single story. Kingdom Animalia is about tapped, so we may move to Fungi. HAWT.

  • ...the double penetration set off an erotic musical of dirty words The first Tourette's musical! I, for one, am buying front row seats. Oh, wait. Are there sexy songs in Urinetown? I never got to see that one...

  • She looked down and watched his cock come to life before her eyes "It's aliiiiiiiiive!" Slap some bolts on the side, toss a blind girl in a pond, and awaaaaaay we go!



In the "I've confused being a STALKER with loving someone a lot" Category:

  • He wanted to get lost in her and erect a barbed-wire fence around them both. And call her Berlin instead of Buffy and shoot anyone who tried to scale her. And show "re-education" tapes all day long and propaganda films.

  • William was still swelling inside her like a fresh black eye. !!!!!! OH. MY. GOD. I am fucking ridiculously wet from that. Like a snapping aligator. *eats Brachs candy* Wow. I'm kinda sad for her. Um, should we put a raw steak on his pee pee?

  • ...wanting to change the mood, William pulled out a Swiss Army knife Ahahaha! My favorite by far. "Look! It has a saw, a retractable cable, four sizes of knives - one's a boning knife - and tweezers to remove any evidence!" The screwdriver to pop out her wondering eyes is just a bonus.



Yeah. That would change the mood. And now I have: "so what 'fore my wondering eyes should appear, but a white-headed man with hard cum drops, I fear" in my head. And finally, all by itself:

The saltiness of sex and the sweat scent of passion permeated the twisted sheets as their twisted limbs connected in fucking awe.

Okay, this can go a few ways. In fucking awe, like, FUCK YEAH! You are AWED, BITCH! Or. My fucking gives your limbs awe. You are in AWE of my fucking. See how clever that really is? We won't discuss twisted. It's too obvious and is beneath us.

Oh, one last one: "It seemed to never end." *holds lighter up* Thank god.

Comments

( 85 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Anonymous)
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)
Hee! Now I'm jonesing for some cum drops...
tx_cronopio
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC)
Oops! That was me, above. I forgot that I was sharing my computer this weekend and thus my autologin was turned off.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:22 am (UTC)
Heh. Good morning! *hands you the secret stash of Brachs candies*
lynnenne
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:15 am (UTC)
Vaginas. They lick and suck and TALK. Is there anything they can't do?

Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie." "Man never did walk on the moon."

"Freemasons run the country!" [ /Simpsons ]

stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:23 am (UTC)
HA HAHA!! Oh, is there NOTHING the Simpsons can't improve upon?

Man, this person is alllll about the smells and the mouth as vagina talk. It almost makes me get why some women hate themselves. They've read this crap.
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stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:29 am (UTC)
I BOGGLED when I read that. And this was one of the "high romance" fics. Because a black eye is tender and loving, and if you just wouldn't MOUTH OFF, I wouldn't have to do that, because sometimes you just don't know how you SOUND, and I love you, but Jesus Christ, and where is my POT PIE???

*sniff* That is soooo romantical and sexy.
chantal87
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:33 am (UTC)
"The silent speeches from your eyes/I know you want to say this is deep/Baby its very grand!"

Are you sure this isn't a Britney Spears song?
And just so you know. I totally went there with the Taco dinner reference.
Thanks again for making my afternoon brighter. You are fabulous.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:38 am (UTC)
HA! I can ALWAYS count on you. And... totally looked at places in southern Germany online and poked my husband to see if there were job opportunities with his firm.

I AM FOLLOWING IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS. Hee!

(OH! I'm an ass. It was Veteran's Day, and I completely forgot to ask you to tell Boyd thank you from me. His dedication and your support to allow him to serve humble me, darlin'. Big love to you both.)
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zyrya
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:53 am (UTC)
Sweet, merciful crap! It started out dreadful and got worse and worse (and funnier and funnier!) until I'm a helpless, giggling bundle and my SO is going "honey? you okay? what's ...?" and then he reads it and we're both rolling around scaring the cats and crying with laughter.

FANTASTIC way to end the day, gorgeous! MmmmmmmMMMMMmmMMMM YES!
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC)
Ahahahaha! SERIOUSLY. You made my audience ridiculously wet with your M'ing.

I still say my favorite is: Spike wanted to change the mood so he brought out a Swiss Army knife. Hee hee!!

HI THERE!! *tucks you in, kicks the SO out of bed and hums against your neck*
tinpanalley
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)

Ok...I've come to realize that super hilarious badfic mocking and a day at the office are unmixy things! :) And yet, it makes the day bearable! Hmmm...
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:17 am (UTC)
They are NOT unmixy things! It makes the Monday soooo much better!

*laughs*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:19 am (UTC)
HA HA HA!! I'm still stuck on the knife and black eye. In the LOVE STORY. I am in fucking awe. Or, in awe of fucking. I'm not sure.

Hee!! *sings with you* Hard cum-drop caaaandy mountain!
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yin_again
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:09 am (UTC)
So glad I put my drink down.

Also: "Hooked on Semen Worked for Me!"

<3 you, you maniac.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:20 am (UTC)
It's so fun to read the incorrect words as if they were used properly. The "I want leave you" and "I wont a piece of gum" lines are just boggling.

Love you back!

I'm thinking babelfish is being used in the translation somewhere...
ladycat777
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:18 am (UTC)
*stares* I, um. I'm scarred for life now, I think. Oh, man. Just ... oh man.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:21 am (UTC)
Oh, pish tosh. This isn't even CLOSE to the SNAPPING VAGINA ALIGATOR MUSCLES of yore.

You look like you need me to change the mood, hang... hang on. *gets an axe, lowers the lights, puts on Helter Skelter* Are you feeling me?
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janedavitt
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
Mating insects? In a smut fic? I... no words. None.

Ack.

Well, maybe that one...
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:32 am (UTC)
I KNOW. Let's see... *counts on fingers* There has been mention of bullfrogs, alligators, insects...

This person has their finger on the pulse of hotness.
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savoytruffle
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
sometimes descriptive language just isn't your friend.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:34 am (UTC)
Yes. Sometimes... sometimes we shouldn't ALWAYS reach for our thesaurus. Sometimes it's good to stick with what you know.

But then again, I delight in the reading of outlandishness, so...

:-D *offers you a rain hard cum drop*
poshcat
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:37 am (UTC)
>>...cunt waves "They're Tsunamical!!" This could be a new hairstyle, like finger waves. I have no idea.

>>Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie."

>>Oh, dear lord. How many TIMES do I have to tell you people that semen tastes like a handfull of nickels on a hot day?

Bwhahaha! OMG these were hilarious. I do feel sorry for this girl, but God, your critiques make my day.

>>William was still swelling inside her like a fresh black eye.

::humps your leg::
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
I knew you liked it rough, bitch.

*gets out my romancin' knife*

And here's the thing about the author. I sent her gentle con crit waaaaay back when I first came across this, Huuuuuhhhnnunuuhhhhhhnnf. And others did, too. And they just laughed at us not "getting it," plus, they get LOADS of feedback saying how hot these stories are, so? *shrug* They're happy, I'm happy, what are you going to do?
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dlgood
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
At some point, one needs to write a "These words do not mean what you think they mean fic" centered around the use of improperly used words as they are properly meant to be written. It would be surreal.
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
Someone should start a master list of words so that someone else could get going on that fic. Because that could be epitath material.

And be honest, Dave. You pull your Swiss Army knife out to impress the ladies. And change the mood. Quite effective, I have to say. (At least it wasn't a Bowie knife! Because how are you going to hide that?)
beadattitude
Nov. 14th, 2005 08:26 am (UTC)
I say we put a gag order on that whispering pussy. "Loose lips" you know.

And the "black eye" thing totally had me snorting with laughter in a most unladylike way.

And Gawd I'm so jealoz of SOMEONE ELSE coming with "Hard Cum-Drop Christmas."

::pouts::
stoney321
Nov. 14th, 2005 08:30 am (UTC)
AHAHAHA!! Loose lips!! That's fantastic.

Hi, Susi-Q! *pets you* It was Sue! Of course she did. But you earn points for knowing the song in the first place and wanting to go there!
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( 85 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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