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I would like to say that Ultraviolet, albeit WAY TOO SHORT, could possibly be six of the best hours of television programming ever. EVER. If I can convince Mr. S to let me install DVD ripping software on his computer, I will upload all of the eps because holy SHNIKIES is that a great show. Know what I love most about British TV? They don't spoon feed you. They leave lots of space inbetween episodes, and let your imagination flesh things out. Granted, I want MORE than 6 or 9 eps a season, but when every single line of dialogue, every single action, every single side-character has weight and merit? My GOD. If anyone knows of GOOD UV fanfiction, TELL ME. (commodoresexual has that great crossover that cherusha linked me but it STOPPED!!! This show is so perfect for fanfiction. GLAH. Although I wished they dressed JackDav better.)

I am wrapping up my holiday shopping today - hopefully - and all that's left is Mr. S. The hardest man to buy for. Oooooookay. *polishes off coffee*

Last year I posted a small essay outlining the proper way to talk with your family at holiday gatherings. Well, it's been another year of you (and me) sitting on the computer, getting sucked into the intarwebs more and more until we have all lost our ability to interact beyond the keyboard and monitor. And so? I give you:

The Do's and Don't's of Talking with 'People'


A person approaches you and "speaks," using "vocalized words" to discern current activities in your life - it's almost as if they haven't been keeping up with your blog. What do you do?

SHE: So! We haven't seen you in a long time! What have you been doing to keep you so busy?

DO SAY: Oh, I've been re-tooling a few databases and programs for some large corporations - finding missing funds, helping people better organize their pensions, things like that. You?

Do NOT Say: Oh, man this RPG is kicking my ASS! I have a Ranger Elf? He just earned a Vorpol Sword +5 and battled an orc? And we took it off-game and wrote beast-fic, NC-17, baybee! I totally egressed all over my chair. Awesome. Does incest/beast/bloodplay squick you?

*~*~*

An uncle approaches you. You haven't seen each other in five years.

HE: So! Have you been following this horrible earthquake in Iraq?

DO SAY: No, just hearing bits and pieces. What has been going on?

Do NOT Say: No, but have you been following the wank on zombies? I mean, like friggin' GET OUT OF THE FANDOM if you can't support brain eating, you know? And then that asshole with the whole anonymous posting - I TOTALLY tracked down their IP and...

*~*~*

Your mother pulls you off to a room to talk with you about your brother, who seems to be going through a sexual identity crisis.

SHE: I don't know what to say to your brother. I want him to know I still love him, but he just won't talk. Is there any place on that internet thing you look at that can get me some information?

DO SAY: Yes, I'll check out PFLAG and other sites, print off some discussion topics and get them to you, mom. You're great, you know?

Do NOT Say: Dude! I totally got hot reading some brother kink? And the one guy? Used peanut butter as lube? Oh, and one of them was a werewolf. I'll send him that stuff. If he creams, he's totally gay. I'll ask if I can watch next time he's with a dude, thanks for the heads up.

*~*~*

Your boss has finally noticed you at the open bar. She walks over to "engage in conversation" and the topic turns to fantasy literature, somehow.

SHE: Oh, I loved the animated movie "The Last Unicorn." I was quite into unicorns and horses as a child, ha ha!

DO SAY: Well, it's because they are fanciful and magical. How adorable! I was, too.

Do NOT Say: Well, if you mean "like" like, I have some pictures I made? With Spike's face on this one unicorn? And I found a porn-stars dong and 'shopped that on, too? Took me like, all day yesterday to finish up, so my report is going to be way late.

*~*~*

A coworker tells a joke.

THEM: ...and he says, "If that's a duck, then I'm a pirate!" Ha ha ha ha!

DO SAY: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Do NOT Say: El-oh-el.
*Alternate Do Not Say: Are-oh-tea-eff-el-em-aye-oh.

*~*~*

In other news, my leetle four-year-old Emily just told me she wants to be Laurie Berkner when she grows up and play the guitar and take showers all by herself. Heee!! (for those not in the know, LB is a children's songstress who sings about B-O-O-T-S, BOOTS! and the like.) And she now has a joke in her arsenal: why did the pirate want to see the movie? Because it was rated Aaaaaarrrrr. I have NO idea where she heard it. Hahahaha!!

Lastly: Happy Birthday to chantal87! Glücklicher Geburtstag! Ich hoffe, dass es ein gutes Ein, mein Freund ist! Anfeuerungen!

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Comments

( 81 comments — Leave a comment )
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janedavitt
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
You crack me up :;smooches you:: I think from the blank looks I get, I sound a lot like the 'don'ts'. Must bear this in mind at David's office party tonight...
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:51 am (UTC)
Hee hee!! Well, as mothers of toddlers say all over this land, "use your words." There are no emoticons in face to face conversations.

(Have fun! Look gorgeous and abuse that open bar!)
wolfshark
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
So *that* explains why my family keeps looking at me weird...
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:52 am (UTC)
*nods* Yeah, they don't know what "el-em-el" and "OMGWTFBBQPOLARBEAR" means. It's... weird.

There should be a .pdf file we can dl to guide us through the murky waters of "speaking" to people.
sdwolfpup
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:54 am (UTC)
Do NOT Say: El-oh-el.

BWAH! That was awesome.
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 07:55 am (UTC)
OOH!! your icon just reminded me:

Do NOT Say: El-oh-el Eleventy.
chantal87
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:03 am (UTC)
Danke mein liebes.
*Umarmungen Sie fest*
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:09 am (UTC)
I hope you are having fun? Doing something nice? Having a little peace and quiet? (What I wouldn't give to be out there for Christmas - Oh, Deutchland and Austria have such lovely Christmases...)

*Umarmungen Sie hinter, küsst*
... - chantal87 - Dec. 9th, 2005 08:18 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC) - Expand
tinpanalley
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:18 am (UTC)

Thanks for the advice! I was heading towards faux-pas a-plenty! But, with your help, I will get through the holidays with the fam without mentioning "slash" once! :)
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
Ha! See? I'm here to help, folks.

*pushes you out into the Brave New World sans LJ* Fly, my pretty!
cherusha
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:39 am (UTC)
What does Mr. S need with a gun? *trembles*

Unless he needs it to go on sexy super-secret spy missions for the government or an underground organization and gets to wear tuxes and go to parties and stand around looking all aloof sipping martinis, in which case I approve.

AND ULTRAVIOLET IS A THING OF BEAUTY EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT AMEN.
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:49 am (UTC)
*criez!* NO! He doesn't need a gun for that, because then I would APPROVE! And wear a bikini and heels and an expensive necklace and make sexy one-liners all the time. No, he just likes collecting them and going to the shooting range. IT IS HIS PASSION. Which is NOT what it should be, AHEM.

Oh, I am ACHING for more UV. And there IS no more! Woe.
... - cherusha - Dec. 9th, 2005 09:11 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 09:28 am (UTC) - Expand
... - cherusha - Dec. 9th, 2005 09:40 am (UTC) - Expand
Entering fangirl mode: - cherusha - Dec. 9th, 2005 10:18 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Entering fangirl mode: - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Entering fangirl mode: - cherusha - Dec. 9th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Entering fangirl mode: - stoney321 - Dec. 11th, 2005 11:22 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Entering fangirl mode: - executrix - Dec. 11th, 2005 05:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 12:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
julia_here
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:55 am (UTC)
Assume appropriate witty and incisive comment.

Julia, blocked.
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)
Hello! *helps with the cows today, as I'm feeling energetic and pastoral-needy*
... - julia_here - Dec. 9th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
nikitangel
Dec. 9th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)
Ha! This is fantastic!
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 09:28 am (UTC)
Wheee!! Glad you laughed.
lostakasha
Dec. 9th, 2005 09:27 am (UTC)
My First New Year's Resolution, thanks to you! I actively will seek out situations in which these words can be applied well beyond the holiday rush:

Dude! I totally got hot reading some brother kink? And the one guy? Used peanut butter as lube? Oh, and one of them was a werewolf.

stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 09:29 am (UTC)
BWAH! If only that wasn't a REAL thing... Um... in a fic, that is. Because werewolves aren't real. And peanut butter should NEVER be used as lube. *cries*
lettered
Dec. 9th, 2005 09:54 am (UTC)
I wish I had known all this earlier. When I told my mom about A/S I also had to teach her the word "squick" and I was all *single perfect tear* except I didn't know how to hand gesture the asterisks.

With Spike's face on this one unicorn?

How come I don't have this icon? Captioned, "Stand aside DoubleMeat lady, you're not the only one with a phallus on her head"? Omg, horn-porn.

And I have way too many pirate jokes, but that one's my favorite. Go leetle Em'ly!
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:33 pm (UTC)
DAMMIT! *sings in a horrible, nasal voice while wearing ribbons and fishnets* If I could turn back time.....

Any time you feel the need to lay out some pirate jokes, I'm yer man, arrr.

*pokes two fingers out and spreads them to make asterisks* No? Does that not get the "*" across? Hmmm.
... - lettered - Dec. 9th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 9th, 2005 04:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - lettered - Dec. 9th, 2005 10:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
ropo
Dec. 9th, 2005 10:34 am (UTC)
This is why I don't GO to parties. *g*
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
No, no, see, you're going about it all wrong. You go to the party, okay? You GO to the party, you just find the people that will talk inappropriately with you and have fun in the corner by the open bar.
... - ropo - Dec. 9th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
elcazavampiros
Dec. 9th, 2005 11:17 am (UTC)
Soooo funny. We always have to catch ourselves in RL conversations,don't we?

el oh el
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
No, not me.

*talks about gay vampires with my MIL, and wonders WHY she doesn't like me*

:-D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:36 pm (UTC)
Do you even know who JackDav is, you cute little thing? *loves you for the support in the unknown world*

CAN I CALL YOU NOW?? Have just got back from shopping, and have ALL OF YOUR THINGS READY TO GO!!!

(do you want the first 2 and a half seasons of QaF? I have CDs of them)
ros_fod
Dec. 9th, 2005 11:19 am (UTC)
I mean, like friggin' GET OUT OF THE FANDOM if you can't support brain eating, you know?

Heeeeeeeee! I'm so bad at this kind of stuff, too. Whenever someone asks me how it's going, I do that thing where I try REALLY REALLY HARD not to immediately think back to explicit gay porn and I end up pinching my face all up into this tight little ball and saying, "Oh, not much," in that tone of voice that makes it so obvious that I'm hiding something and then the other person, after a long pause, goes, "Ooookay."
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
Hey, stranger! Oh, MAN, last year it was SO HARD for me to not talk about my Gay Vampire porn, or how Connor/Angel is the most wonderful/horrible/hurty/beautiful thing in the world because NO ONE KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

Or they were, you know... my dad. Heh.
rayne_y_daze
Dec. 9th, 2005 11:25 am (UTC)
*Alternate Do Not Say: Are-oh-tea-eff-el-em-aye-oh. ::spittake::

Okay, that's it - I keep getting sent to your lj. so I'm just going to have to friend you. Hope it's okay... :-)
stoney321
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:40 pm (UTC)
Hey! Sure thing. It's a come and go as you please journal, so if I get a bit... odd for you - feel free to knock me off your flist with no worries.

Welcome to crazytown! Population: YOU.
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( 81 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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