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aaaaaAAAAAAWWWW- FREAK OUT!

Are you saying you DIDN'T want a disco brain worm for a subject heading? Well, that's just weird.

I want to bitch about clothes, and the evil that they do to the human form when in the hands of EVIL DESIGNERS and LAME TRENDS.



First off, let me say that I fucking hate bewbs. Hate. Them. I may change my mind later, but today, I would jam a vacuum in there and suck 'em down to a B and be happy for ever more. "Why? Why, Stoney, when bewbs are so womanly and soft? They are dirty pillows for which I like to rest my head?" you may be saying. Because they make girls with big ones look FAT, that's why. Or, you can wear a teeny, tiny, skin-tight friggin' kleenex and look like a whore with big bewbs.

Here's a little something about me. I like to dress tastefully. Maybe a bit conservatively, but not first-grade teacher conservative, and you know what I'm talking about: jingle bell necklace on a ribbon and applique-sweater-vest I am NOT. Ann Taylor. Anne Klein. Suits. Button down shirts. A hint of sex, but not "club wear." Like... Audrey Hepburn. Classy and lovely.

My options for a holiday outfit appear to be: spaghetti-strapped lingerie tops, filmy, see-through lingerie tops, SPARKLY, SHINY sweaters with GOLD THREAD or sequins or baubles or... Basically, nothing I would wear. Number one, I don't wear thin straps. ALSO, IT IS DECEMBER. Number two, I don't wear cap-sleeves, because they aren't FLATTERING unless you have no meat on your bones, and I... do. And they make your arm-pits sweaty. I do not wear "sparkly" clothes, because I don't. No sequins, no shiny, metalic threads, appliques with shimmer and shine... I- No.

It's like clothes are made for 18 year old who go clubbing and are out to lure dudes, or for older women who like a big freakin' poinsettia out of sequins on their shoulder for the company party. Where are the cool clothes for women who are ONLY 33!!! And don't like to be NAKED because do I have to say again that it is WINTER? I do not understand "shrugs." Or weird little jackets that hit right under your tits, thereby increasing their enormity in profile and RUINING MY NIGHT.

If only I hadn't already worn my hot little Mandarin-collar dress (it's soooo pretty, and COVERS MY ARM TOPS) that hits my shins. With a slit up to there. Or my wonderful antique dress from the 20s. Found a GORGEOUS woman's tuxedo, and thought it was over! Hurrah! 865 big ones. D'OH! Of course. Found a simpler one that looked as nice, fraction of the cost, yet still out of the budget Mr. S gave me. GRUMBLE. I may not be going to this STOOPID party. I'll be Sam in the auto-shop car before the geek sings happy birthday. (Anyone? Anyone get that?)

Okay, I know that my "woes" aren't. I KNOW. But I freaking HATE shopping in regular stores for stoopid clothes, and I would rather buy OTHER people things than for my DUMB BUTT. *sits on a dictionary to smarten it up* I am totally cracking up now. GAH. I should wear my kimono and act like I'm not in costume. WHY CAN'T I WEAR A COSTUME??? *goes as a disco dancer in my skates and RUINS my husband's chances of advancement* Be more fun...

NOW. Who wants fudge? *passes the tin around* Okay, I'm laughing, which is all I needed. I'm wearing a bathrobe to this goddamned party.

Comments

( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
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tx_cronopio
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:06 pm (UTC)
Yep, so with you!

And if I see one more woman in a holiday-themed sweater wearing little christmas tree earrings, I'm not responsible for my actions. This is why I mostly stay home this time of year :)
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:57 pm (UTC)
ACK!!! I love my step-mom, love her, but she is holiday-themed clothes wearer, bless her. Which is fine. She loves it and it puts her in the mood.

But I do not wear that! *goes back to the drawing board*
crayonbreakygal
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)
I totally hate fashions too. You either have to be way skinny with no butt (which btw I have) or be six ft. tall (btw I'm not). The last time I had to go to something dressy, it took me months to find something that fit. Grrrr. Things are either too tight or looks like a sack. *sporks fashion designers* I can't even wear Old Navy because of my weirdly shaped body. And I thank the Lord that I don't have big boobs. Well, except for now because of the baby.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC)
GAH. And the women I saw with their JEANS TUCKED INTO THEIR BOOTS. Oh my Lord, just stop the madness. Unless the look they're going for is stumpy fat legged, then by all means! TUCK AWAY.

And the goofy crotcheted shoulder wrap thingies that serve no purpose? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THOSE THINGS. Sweaters should provide warmth while looking schnazzy. Key word being: WARMTH. (I can't wear Old Navy either. My body is hour glass shaped and they make clothes for straight hips!)
fireflykiwi
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:16 pm (UTC)
I so understand. I completely hate going shopping for clothing these days. I look at some of the stuff out there and ask myself if "real" people are supossed to wear it. Around the corner comes a 14 year old looking like she's 20 or older in those exact pieces...and I'm hoping that I never looked like that at age 14 OR 20. I've finally found the style I like after months of agonizing, problem is that it's out of my price range at the moment. (It's Bebe if you want to know) On a lower scale, I've found that New York and Co. actually carries the next best things for me. The clothing doesn't look trashy, and the quality is there without breaking the bank. There is some "trim" on some pieces but it's not the gaudy crap that I've seen some folks wear. And they actually KEEP UP with the seasons. They have some really comfy sweaters that I've been eyeing that look absolutely fab. Anyway, I sympathize.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:54 pm (UTC)
LOVE Bebe! Why didn't I go there?? Did I skip that store? Hmmm. I found something promising at a funky shop called White and Black, but it looks so much like three things I already have (crisp white button down with french cuffs) that I moved on.

And the fur trim on everything? WHY????
... - fireflykiwi - Dec. 17th, 2005 07:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
chantal87
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC)
I detest shopping for clothes. I can never find anything that I think is age appropriate for myself.

I'll either look like a middle aged woman dressed like a Paris Hilton wannabe (and that is not of the good, let me tell ya) or my Grandma. (as cute as she is I'm not too keen on the high waisted pant suits she wears.)
I haven't been able to find a happy medium. I have hope that I will one day.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
RIGHT!! It's the Paris Hilton style clothing EVERYWHERE. I don't LIKE silk or satin. I just really, really don't. Not in a blouse, at any rate. I either feel like a school teacher from the 80s (slap some shoulder pads and a sparkly broach and you've got every junior high teacher I had) or like I'm going to bed.

I don't get the lingerie tops. I just.... it's friggin' COLD. And you look like you're wearing lingerie. I've become a fussy old lady, haven't I?

And I have stores I LOVE, and can ALWAYS find something, but they failed me today! FAILURES.
irishrose1
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:37 pm (UTC)
:sigh:

I know what you mean. I'm never jealous of my earlier century female ancestors, but at least back then, people realized that women were *supposed* to have curves. Hips, rump, and boobs. clothing may have covered everything, but it also accomodated without looking like a tacky shower curtain! Of course, there was that tragic fashion accessory known as the corset during cetain eras.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC)
GAH! I don't mind corsets for... some things. But apparently they are coming back! I saw in two different stores corsets for wearing over a silk blouse. Um... When you take that off for the hot lovin' you dressed for? You're gonna have bunchy red marks all over your tummy and bewbs.
... - irishrose1 - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
poshcat
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
I hate shopping too. I am sadly lacking in the boobage, and every outfit has this huge plunging neckline that just sits there limply on my chest. And the dresses are all either a good foot too long for my short body, or cut up to whore level (upper thigh). I'm with you that it seems like the stores completely ignore women in their 30 and 40s. You can either wear a dress that a high school girl would wear to the big dance after which she's hoping to lose her virginity, or dress like the matron of a large political family. And since I'm complaining bitterly, I am a small person. Do you know how hard it is to find anything that fits snugly around the torso so I don't look like a hand puppet? If it weren't for Old Navy, I'd be wearing my PJs every day.

And don't even get me started on panties, which come in slutty fourteen year old styles and grandma bloomers. SIGH.

::eats your fudge enthusiastically::
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
BAH. I found a MILLION things that would look great on your petite frame. A MILLION. Nordstrom's and Forty Five Ten have tons of stuff for under 5' 4" and wee framed. COME TO ME, and I will dress you in style.

See? I can ALWAYS find things for other people. Boo! (Although, I did find that tuxedo - very Angelina Jolie, but almost a thousand dollars! I'm not quite in those leagues yet. It fit like a GLOVE.)

*shares the caramel/Devil's Food cake cookie bars while we're plowing through the fudge*
(Deleted comment)
allegraconbrio
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC)
Shopping for an event with such late notice rarely goes well. I tend to tear through racks in frustration and usually wear an old fave of mine and assume an air of hateure - dare the women to be catty. *g*
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
Puh. Did you forget I'm in DALLAS? Oh, the women here are CAT-TAY. Nobody gives better bitch than the "society women" of this town, save perhaps Manhattan. And my husband is handsome and up-and-coming and ALONE A LOT.

I HAVE TO KILL, WOMAN!!! Or, you know: kill women. Hee!

Oh, and you've reminded me of who to be mad at: MY HUSBAND. THANKS FOR THE NOTICE, HONEY.
bitchygrrl
Dec. 17th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
*loves your bewbies* I feel your pain for while I am small of bewbie I am large of boot, and only 5'1(well alamost) dress pants, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I if I find a pair I will die of shock. I hate clothes too sometimes. Have you tried J.Crew, they do have dresses for cocktail and more formal events or maybe Banana Republic or okay I'll confess Issac Mizrahi at Target. They are not quite so hoochified. *hugs* Good luck
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
(siiiiiiiigh)

Banana Republic FAILED me. They never do!! Booooring. Or, I already HAVE it. J. Crew does not fit me well, because they cater to small breasted, thin hipped women, and I am shaped like a 50s woman.

I'm just pissing and moaning. Maybe I'll take one of my HUSBAND'S GIFTS BACK and use the money to buy the SEXY SUIT THAT FIT ME PERFECTLY. But was out of my budget for the day....
... - bitchygrrl - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
<-- pretty, but a bit stupid - stoney321 - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: <-- pretty, but a bit stupid - bitchygrrl - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
bitchygrrl
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:00 pm (UTC)
Oh and I almost forgot. Le freak, c'est chic. *shakes booty*
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
All that pressure
Got you down?

Got yo head,
spinnin' all around?
... - bitchygrrl - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - bitchygrrl - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
smashsc
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
*passes you the Nutella & the bag of pretzels*

Clothes shopping sucks. The stuff that looks best on me is the stuff that doesn't look like me. I can look nice and look like I'm in drag or look like myself. Stupid boobs and hips.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
BEWBS AND HIPS ARE MORONS!!!!

And I suspect I would look good in some of those clothes, but I don't LIKE them. I need those two British women that humilate women for wearing bad clothes and then dress them up and make them look like a million bucks.

Except they make the women go shopping... What I NEED is a personal shopper. And for society to decide women with curves look good again.
... - smashsc - Dec. 17th, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
julia_here
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
Hey, those twenty years older than you do not want to wear freaking sequined poinsettias, either!

Seriously: add to your list of stoooooopid clothing:
The tendancy in the past several years for shirts to be made so your midriff is exposed if you raise your apms above the waist, and then stick DDDs in them and feel like your in danger of falling out the bottom? WTF?

The 2005 fashion for shirts with red, white and blue or Turquoise, orange, and lime green stripes, on a lav white background. UGLY! Ugly ugly ugly.

No sweaters other than cashmere, anywhere. Cashmere feels marvelous, and wears not at all, pills up if you look at it twice, and tends to pull out at the bewbal area.

Absolute lack of what I was assured were "classics, you can always find these, because people will always wear them". So where's my eight gore grey flannel 100% wool skirt, anywhere, for under $500? How about nice white shirts without trendoid features which make them hard to wear? Hip-length winter sweaters, nice flat-knit lambswool ones that don't pill and cover your sacroiliac? Decent winter-weight trousers which are not rayon, or polyester, neither of which are actually warm?

For that matter, any clothes at all which aren't ski clothes, which are not constructed of materials which assume that one never goes out from ones heated garage to a heated parking structure to an office?

I'm beginning to suspect I'll need to start sewing again soon.

Julia, in jeans, a henley, and a silk hoodie I bought at a Nordie's Rack four years ago...not exactly party clothes
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:48 pm (UTC)
Of course you don't wear shit - you have classic style, midear.

GAH! And I know of only ONE designer (Anne Klein) who makes button down shirts that have the RIGHT number of buttons in the RIGHT spot so that my blouse doesn't pucker in between my bewbs and expose my bra.

My husband's response? Just leave it unbuttoned low - it's sexy. My response? I don't think the PTA or the checker at the grovery store needs to see my religion, thanks.

(And yes to the good wool! *pulls out sewing machine and form*)
... - julia_here - Dec. 17th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 17th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
gracielu
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
I thought I was the only one in the freakin world who had to buy tops and bottoms 2 sizes apart! As soon as I win the lottery man, bewb jobs all around! Or, possibly just a designer who will make non slutty clothes for ladies with knockers, because OW.

And because nobody jumped on it, a little serenade...

*takes out roll of Certs and does a quick drum solo on the dash*

You say it's your birthday...


I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
And the love for you grows exponentially...

Fresh breath. It's a high priority in my life.

I don't WANT a wide necked shirt to display my bewbs, thanks, because if I sneeze, I'm POPPING OUT. Or those tops with the criss-cross of lace in the front? Those stripes always hit in the middle of my bewbs!! Nice. And mine are quite perky for their size!
serenelystrange
Dec. 17th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
Umm, since when am I anonymous?
Yeah, that last rambly comment was me, I'm not sure why my dumb ass computer logged me out, sorry, :)
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
Re: Umm, since when am I anonymous?
Heh. No worries and WORD. TO tha bone.

*shakes fists to the heavens* Love our bodies!! And make clothes for them!
hellziggy
Dec. 17th, 2005 04:20 pm (UTC)
Party is tomorrow? Plenty of time! Hop on a plane up here to Minneapolis and I will get my friend Jeanine to take you to the Maul of America to be your personal shopper. The girl had me in and out of there in less than 2 hours with this outfit purchased for her work party: http://www.livejournal.com/users/hellziggy/301457.html
Even with airfair it might be cheaper than the tux you found. :)
stoney321
Dec. 17th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
HA. Yeeeaaaah. Did you forget I'm in Dallas? Honey if it ain't here, it's not anywhere. I'm just a) picky, b) fussy and c) hate shopping for clothes for myself when I NEED them. If I'm shopping for anyone else? All I can find are things for me. :D

I'm hopeless. (look at you all gussied up!!)
... - hellziggy - Dec. 17th, 2005 08:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Dec. 17th, 2005 04:58 pm (UTC)
::is determined to sing Robert Shaw Christmas Carols and not LE FREAK::
I used to work with a woman that had holiday themed everything for EVERY HOLIDAY. Even socks. It was scary.

I say Amen, sister, and add.....why on earth would a plus size woman want to wear cap sleeves, puffy jackets, ugly neutrals that seriously look like something that came from under the couch or unlined satin pants? Satin and cellulite do NOT mix, I tell you. Why sell short knee-length skirts to wear with kicky boots to hide your piano legs if you don't have boots wide enough for said unsightly calves? Hm? Rrrg.

I was in Atlanta for two weeks and bought three sweaters and some socks. I had a Macy's a Bloomingdales, Nordestrom, Neiman's and um, another one available and that's the sum of my personal purchases. I seriously tried. I did. I just couldn't find stuff that didn't suck or look hideous.

Nine West has some cute not too sluttish clothes. Admittedly, they have some utterly frightening prints for jackets, too (yes, I'd like to go as a brocade sofa with a fur collar, thanks!) and they were carried at the ATL Macy's and Nordestrom's. There was a v. v. cute 50's ish portrait-collared silk jacket (I saw it in dark turquoise) that was adorable and on sale (for Macy's is desperate) for $60. You'd need a tank to go under it, so as not to show your tum, since it only buttons once.

I also got a tasteful teal sweater (I'm kind of having a teal/turq/green phase) with minimum sparklage 'cause it made my bewbs look awesome, and was a bit more useable for me than a one-buttoned silk portrait-collared jacket in the wilds of Western MA. (Sadly pictures wearing it on x-mas or New Years' with a storm jacket and snow boots.) It looked pretty fricken awesome, though. Turned my eyes the same color.
hellziggy
Dec. 17th, 2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
Even socks. It was scary.

What's wrong with holiday socks?

*hides feet with red naughty/nice socks*

hee hee. I'm abnormal though when it comes to socks. I have very few solid color socks, NO white socks, and no two pairs are alike.
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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