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I want that on a tee-shirt. Bweee! Oh, the mullet. The hair pelt. Alabama waterfall. Kentucky Mudflap. Camaro Cut. Whorehouse 'Do. (Business up front, party in the back.) And the ever elusive She-Mullet, or She-pelt, as I call it.

So what you're TELLING me, is that you don't like to laugh. That you like to WALLOW in misery and woe, and that you DO NOT NEED a laugh this holiday season. Is that... is that what you're telling me? Because frankly, mister, I don't get it.

WE NOW HAVE RON BURGUNDY DOING WEEKLY NEWS REPORTS, PEOPLE. And Johnny Depp and Will Ferrell getting high. Soulless bastards, you are all soulless bastards. Or, you know, have other interests. SAME THING. Hee!


Saturday night was a neighborhood party that I wasn't too jazzed about - most of the neighbors are pretty meh. Nice, kind, but meh. They're old and they're not old, you know? The women have given up, basically and are Mommies, and the men talk about their Jobs. Well. The resident hootchie mama (no kids) threw the party and invited a more varied group, which turned out to be fantastic. A couple from Scotland (about...42? Maybe 39? That range) moved in and were there. Naturally, I drifted over and started talking to them. FANTASTIC!

The wife and I laughed about British comedies - she was happy to talk to someone that knew that "a big girl's blouse" was an insult, and not a fashion choice. Because I can't help it, I started talking like her. I do a fairly passable accent, I'll say that. Her husband wanders over behind me and I hear a rumblling voice, "you do a grrrreat joob at that. You moost like Mike Meyerrrs." I turn around an introduce myself and he's friggin' Sting with black hair. And a Scottish accent. Rawr. Oh, yeah. His wife. Oh, and I'm married, too. Aaaaaanyway. We all chatted about music and television - they were happy I knew of their favorite shows, I promised to look into some they recommended - and he asked me if I liked Joy Division and the Pogues. *dies* *dreams of an alternate universe* Great senses of humor, great people, made it lots of fun. And man do the Scottish HAAAAAAAATE the British. Heee!

So. Mr. S got SLOSHED that night, to the point of being hung-over on Sunday. To the point of not wanting to go to the company party Sunday night. HUURAH! Also, apparently my body felt guilty over mooning over this handsome Scottish man and bequeathed me with zits in the center of my forehead. It's fun to be in your early thirties and have zits. That's FUN. *cries because I broke the F string on my viola and the teacher is going to be MAD at me for being late!!* Sorry - flashback to JUNIOR HIGH.

And since we all know this week is crap at work - seriously: no one's doing a damned thing, and you know it. Or they'll pretend they are, but they're playing minesweeper. Or spider soliatire. So all week I'm posting the best (worst) of my prior Company Parties. Including: the brick of marijuana a BOSS gave me, the "Elaine" of the office who fell down on the dance floor every year, and sex in the bathroom. *sniff* I love Christmas...

[ETA!!!] Happy birthday (apparently!) to somecandytalkin!! No WONDER I had you on the brain today!

Comments

( 50 comments — Leave a comment )
winterlive
Dec. 19th, 2005 09:58 am (UTC)
Hee. I thought for sure I'd be reading about Ewan MacGregor. This is MUCH better. <3
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:07 am (UTC)
OH MY GOD. He BEAMED at me when I said Ewan could do no wrong. And then I slyly asked who was the best Bond, and he almost spilled his ale - SEAN BLOODY CONNERY, that's who! I'd fookin' kill Roger Moooorrrre if I saw him!

Heee!

*remembers the pretty and DROOLS*
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marguerite_26
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:03 am (UTC)
In Canada we call it Hockey Hair, dude
*g* You are too funny, with the mooning and the guilt... hee!

Also your celeb rp crack is, um, crack.
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:08 am (UTC)
Wheee!! It is supposed to be crack! (OMG - so addictive to PLAY!)

Hockey hair. YES. *admires the Gretsky pelt*
marlo
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:56 am (UTC)
Yep, mullets, false teeth, bumpy oft-broken noses... and the ladies love them! I don't understand that shit.
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darlingboys
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:06 am (UTC)
And since we all know this week is crap at work - seriously: no one's doing a damned thing, and you know it. Or they'll pretend they are, but they're playing minesweeper. Or spider soliatire.

Oh yes, yes we are. *smirks* I'm on pins and needles waiting to read about the holiday parties past!

stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:09 am (UTC)
Heeee!! I WILL GIVE YOU JOY, OR DIE TRYING. Or, you know, feel really bad for a few minutes.

And man, I misspelled solitaire... *plays another game, shares the caramel brownies with you*
crayonbreakygal
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:08 am (UTC)
Can't wait to read about your Christmas parties of the past. Now I know why I added you to my flist. My life is so borrrriiinnnnggg. The party I went to on Saturday, I couldn't even drink. *sigh*
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:10 am (UTC)
Not even one glass of wine? Oh - you aren't in your second trimester, are you? (Because a glass of wine every few days is good for you, so says my MORMON aunt that's a nurse.)

*drinks for two* Hee!
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entrenous88
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:30 am (UTC)
I want a man in a kilt for CHRISTMAS!!!

*is way too worked up*
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:33 am (UTC)
JESS!!!! I cannot stress how pretty he was. Like, rough around the eyes, SPARKLY BLUE, short no-fuss hair, but enough to -

*pants* And he was funny! And STARED AT ME. There were winks!!!
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marlo
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:53 am (UTC)
This is totally off-topic, but I thought you'd appreciate it. It's been making me laugh all morning.

So the Daily Show rules, right? I don't have cable, but once in a while I download torrents. I don't know if you watch it every day or what, but last week they were making fun of Bill O'Reilly for saying that saying "Happy Holidays" to a Christian is offensive, and that saying "Merry Christmas" to a non-Christian isn't offensive at all. So of course, the Daily Show had a ball with that. "Every time you say Happy Holidays, an angel gets AIDS."

And right at the end, they said, "This year I'm wishing everyone a Jesusy Christchrist, and a Christy new Christ."

It just rolls off the tongue! I want to say it to everyone I know. I should blog about it.
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:58 am (UTC)
Ahahahahaha!!! I love it. I saw a clip from that ep, and changed the name of my journal to fit, actually.

I am going to adopt that phrase. BWAH!!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 11:02 am (UTC)
EXACTLY. To all of it. :D

As Carol (Scottish Wife, or "SW") drank more wine with me, she'd start really laying it out:

"Ach, the Ainglish are sooch jammy bastards. So twee. With their manners and politeness. Ewe go to a poob in Scotland and ask for soomthing ta eat, and they'll teel ewe 'NO. Can't have it.' No apologies. Just flat out NO. I love it."

Carol and Jimmy (hunky husband of GORGEOUSNESS, or Gorgeous MacDo-me, as I called him) were from council houses, the first to go to uni in the family, and he did very well for himself and was transferred to the States. Half the family is proud, the other half thinks they've gotten too big for their britches.
aimeelicious
Dec. 19th, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
This post brought me holiday joy. =)
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 11:56 am (UTC)
Hurrah! Just wait until the party stories start coming in. Oh, man, I love it when people make asses of themselves. Bad people, that is. I actually cringe when people unknowingly make fools of themselves, hence my inability to watch programs like American Idol. Heeee!!!

I will wish under the Chritmas star (or whatever you're supposed to do) that you have a better, more sane year!
ropo
Dec. 19th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeee Scottish. Where are they from, exactly? You must find out. My peeps are from Motherwell, near Glasgow.
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 07:56 pm (UTC)
I will find out! See, I'll make arrangements to meet him them and get the info out of him!
lynnenne
Dec. 19th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
Yay! You got to miss a boring party and go to a good one! *luffs*
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 07:57 pm (UTC)
Hurray!!!!

How are you, my Lynne? Life treating you fine?
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hellziggy
Dec. 19th, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC)
Oooooooh! I can't wait for you to start regaling us with your tales of holiday parties! We can always count on our Stoney to bring us teh funny! Why aren't you writing for the Daily Show? Someone needs to get on Jon Stewart about that...
stoney321
Dec. 19th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
Pffft. Someone pay me to be funny with words? DREAM. *goes back to sleep to make it last and last...*
mskakaako
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC)
You forgot about Femullet. :D

Heehee. Will Ferrell. I love him. My second favourite line from Elf..."I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite." (when asked by the Gimbel's manager why he's smiling like a dolt).
Heeheee...that's all delivery, baby!

Did you watch Jack Black on SNL? The only funny thing was Chris Parnell doing a rap. So awesome. Actually, I think I saw it linked on my flist.

Oooh, glad you had fun at your party. Did you say, "HEEED MOVE!!"?

All week you'll be posting about your office parties? Heeheee! I will try to sign in more. Well, now that I'm joining the land of the living.

*kisses your zits*

_willferrell
Dec. 19th, 2005 10:20 pm (UTC)
EW!! I have like... FIVE! FIVE zits! And they're the swelly skin ouchie hurty kinds! GROSS. I am deformed and you shouldn't allow children to get close I may EAT THEM, FOR I AM A MONSTER.

And I DID!! I did say, Heed! Move! Nuu!

I saw that rap! BWAH! "IT's the Chronic! What? Kuhls, of Narnia!" Oh, man that was awesome. Hello, My Kako! Did your present come yet??
( 50 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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