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Fic!! Insanely random fic!!

*sorry for the spam today!*

Raise your hand if you didn't know I was broken? *crickets* Right. So if you haven't read annakovsky's Five Families Connor Was Not Magically Squeezed Into After His Real Vampire Dad Slit His Throat, you are missing out. Fantastic. The Arrested Development ficlet is my favorite. That being said, apparently there's a show called "Supernatural" and it has a family called the Winchesters. I did not know this. I saw "Winchesters" and immediately thought of Charles Emerson Winchester III from M*A*S*H. And assumed Connor had been sent to Boston to grow up in the lap of luxury with a pompous git of an older brother, currently serving in the Korean War as a surgeon.

And couldn't get that out of my head. So. I give you the following, a sharp left-turn, and containing some "Screwtape Letters" influences. Rated W for WTF?



Title: Suicide is Painless
Author: Stoney
Spoiler Warning: End of Season 4
Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is for fun, not profit. Neither M*A*S*H nor AtS characters belong to me. Relax. It's friggin' LJ. Who do you think you are? George Lucas?
Summary: What if Connor had been sent back in time to live with the Winchester of Boston, Mass., forced into brotherhood with one Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third, currently surving a tour of duty in Korea as a heart surgeon for the 4077th MASH unit?

*~*~*~*

Suicide is Painless

*~*~*~*


Spoken into tape recording device known as a Real-to-Reel

Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third, Viper-Pit, Korea, dated October fourteenth, Nineteen hundred and fifty-three.

For my younger brother, Connor.


Connor.

I hope that you are setting an example to the other boys at Choate, and also doing everything in your power to not besmirch the good name of Winchester. The Winchesters have been in attendance at Choate since its inception, and the family holds steadfast to the legend that Great-Gandfather Bertram Winchester helped coin the noble motto, Fidelitis et Integritas. Mother tells me that there was an incident? Hmm? Something involving a scuffle late at night? Now, now, far be it from me to scold you, lads will get up to fisticuffs now and again, but it is precisely those baser instincts that make you seem low to the others. We wouldn't want that, now, would we? We are civilized men, after all.

Our sister Honoria wrote and spoke of your excellent scores in mathematics. I'm sure our father hopes you can turn that into a fine head for business. Have you spent much time with Father? I dare say that he was far too busy amassing our fortunes and solving the problems of the looming war when I was in school. I hope you aren't becoming a dullard - studying nothing but figures and statistics. The soul wants to fly, Connor. Do not neglect your Woodsworth. Your Keats. Your philosophy. These are the paths for which your mind should travel, my boy. I've been told you've given up the clarinet? Pity. And while I understand the joy that a fine stroll can provide, playing sports with the boys from town? I only hope that our sister was joking.

I am trapped in a God forsaken pesthole with the results of such activities, and let me assure you that while they may be doctors in degree, they are simians in life.

Do try and aim higher?

Respectfully Yours,
Etc., etc.

*~*~*

Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third, Hell on Earth, Apparently Korea, dated this November the twentieth, Nineteen hundred and fifty-three.

Addressed to my brother, Connor.

Well. I see you have chosen to NOT take my advice and give in to your carnal needs. I hope you are happy. Mother actually attempted an overseas phone call, of course I didn't take it, do you honestly think I want that hairy, organ grinder's monkey listening in on family business? I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.

A broken leg. You've given another boy a broken leg? Quite frankly, I'm astonished you were able to apply that much force. Which is neither here nor there.

You must gain control of your emotions. It is unseemly to act otherwise. We Winchesters have a long tradition of leadership. Honor. The lower class looks to us for the example set. You can't just... go about breaking legs when the mood strikes, Connor! I hope you have apologized to the lad? Learned your lesson?

I understand you have been reading books on the heart. Following in big brother's footsteps, are we? Well, I cannot say that I'm not pleased by your interest, but take this advice from me. I may have graduated at the top of Harvard Medical School, interned with the finest surgeons the world knows, yet what has it proferred me? I am stuck in this... tar-pit of moral morass. This cess-pool of bumbling clowns who can barely differentiate from their scalpel with their scapulae. As the Bard once penned, "All offences come from the heart."

Honoria informed me that you've been staying out late? Well... A young man has certain... oats he feels he must sow, but I hope that your late night excursion won't be cause of any shame upon the family. I'm speaking, of course, of any young ladies you may be dallying with? I'm surrounded by walking glands whose only occupation seems to be in preoccupation in sexual behavior. Connor, we are far and above Crabapple Cove, and I hope you do not forget that.

If you don't mind, please contact Congressman Furnough about lifting the ban on sending quality alcohol to the troops. It would be nice to have the ambrosia found in the family's wine cellar than the paint thinner manufactured and filtered through an old sock by my... colleagues. It's any wonder that they haven't blown our living quarters to Kingdom Come. The '27 Rothschild should be sufficient. Send that along with your next letter, if you please.

And should you have any further questions regarding the heart your dusty tomes can't answer, well, big brother is only a letter away.

I am yours, wasting away in utter despair,
Etc. Etc.

*~*~*

Charles E. Winchester the Third, Two miles east of the River Styx, Christmas

CONNOR.

I am sure you find it most amusing to send along a bottle of Thunderbird. Ha ha. In case you are wondering what that particular sound is, it is the sound of a man who is completely and utterly broken. And a Merry Christmas to you. I hope the package I had delivered from Abercrombie & Fitch arrived in good condition? Father tells me you have taken an interest in the noble sport of hunting. I understand that you prefer a bow and arrow like a red-skinned heathen, but no matter. Revolvers take a certain level of skill that not all possess. The bows I had delivered are equipped with lead tips. I was led to believe this insures a quicker kill. They twist off to be replaced, however.

In your last letter you asked about the breast plate. One of the more difficult aspects of being a heart surgeon is getting to the damned thing. I suppose you could pierce the breast bone with an arrow, but certainly not at close range. Whatever do you want to do such a thing for? Have the boys at Choate suddenly turned into a raving pack of monsters? Ahaha. Well, I suppose the hormones of youth can certainly transfigure an apple-cheeked lad into a raving beast. It is your good breeding that prevents you from being a spotty, whey-faced brat, you know. Winchesters do not have acne. Although I'm confused about the one boy you mentioned. Localized acne has been known to happen, but to make his face appear as if it had ridges? And just like that you say? They just... appeared one night? Most peculiar. Inferior breeding, obviously.

In answer to your other question, approaching the heart from behind is not advisable. Far superior armor on our backs than our fronts, you see. I have found that access just at the diaphragm and moving upwards underneath the breast plate is the most direct manner. Saves the surgeon from having to cut into bone and wasting time. On average, a male's heart is ten centimeters posterior to the stomach, and four centimeters distal to the median plane.

Connor, I know we are a proud lot, we do not coddle one another, but your interest in my profession is quite flattering, I don't mind saying. I'll assume you read the article I sent Mother from the Stars and Stripes where yours truly was interviewed for my hand-massaging a heart back to life? If I must be trapped in this wasteland of filth and fools, I will certainly do everything in my power to rise above the swine who wallow in its muck. They may have cut me off from the civilized world, they may have incarcerated me with moronic cellmates. They may torture me with their thrice daily swill - oh, and thank you for the biscuits, they were most appreciated - but they cannot break the spirit of a Winchester! My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer!

Apologies. I have been on my feet for 30 hours straight and Hawkeye has been needling me about the swill you sent as a joke. I did not give it to him, naturally. Not that I wanted it, of course. Anyway, do stop the late night carousing as Mother is beginning to worry. Discretion, hmmm?

I've sent along diagrams of the human circulatory system, per your request. And now that you've had your little joke, send the bloody wine!

Yours, and Happy Christmas,
Etc., etc.


*~*~*~*

The lines: "I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat" and "They may have cut me off from ... this fetid and festering sewer" were lifted from the TV program and slightly modified to fit in, all apologies to the writers of M*A*S*H.

Comments

( 57 comments — Leave a comment )
luvs_phoenix
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:11 am (UTC)
*g*

That was fantastic! You hit the voice and the subtle enquire's from Connor were wonderful.

stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:18 am (UTC)
Yay! Glad you liked.
swmbo
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:14 am (UTC)
Heee! Ok, Connor asking for diagrams and information on how to stake through the heart and Charles's VERY snotty replies are awesome.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:18 am (UTC)
Hurrah!

*laughs and turns up the Mozart to drown out Hunnicut and Pearce's boorish guffaws*
cherusha
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:18 am (UTC)
EEEEE! My love for this Charles E. Windchester the Third is a great and scary thing. Can I keep him?

*hearts*
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:19 am (UTC)
I told you that you would love him!

*loves you, more!*
serenelystrange
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:26 am (UTC)
I didnt really get it, never seeing M*A*S*H for more than 30 secs at a time, but I found it amusing anyway. Loved Connors questions, lol. Great job! :)
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:31 am (UTC)
*headdesk* Well, I do appreciate the support! M*A*S*H is one of the best TV shows of all time, and Charles was one of the most pompous a-holes ever. I loved him. (Think Frasier, but rude.)
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bitchygrrl
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:32 am (UTC)
Brilliant. You have the voice down. Love the reference to Connor's late nights, etc. I really liked this.

P.S. I followed the link and poor little muggle Connor made me sad. :(
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 09:39 am (UTC)
Oh, I know!! Poor little squib Connor, right?? But how fantastic was the face off with Maeby??

(And thanks.)
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marguerite_26
Dec. 20th, 2005 10:24 am (UTC)
You are fabulous, sweetie! HEE!! Charles and Connor!!! Hee!!!

Strangely, I just remembered that I had a dream last night that I was Alan Alda and I was curling. Crazy pregnancy dreams!
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
CURLING?? Ha ha ha!! *sweeps like crazy to get it to the thing or whatever*

I'm glad you liked it! One of those weird things that takes hold... (Feeling better today?)
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 10:34 am (UTC)
Heh. Connor has a DESTINY, no matter what. The idea isn't unique to me - there's the hive mind working, you know? I like the idea that Wolfram and Hart can make everyone forget who Connor was/is, but yet... they didn't take his powers away, did they?

Oh, I was MAD when Frank Burns wasn't on the show, but then Charles!! He grew on me. And the ep with the Chinese musicians! *sigh* I love how he pronounced words, his steady disdain for everyone around him...

(and thanks)
_divya_
Dec. 20th, 2005 10:37 am (UTC)
Bwah! That was fabulous, darling! ::airkisses::

stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC)
Heee!! Glad you liked. (Did you see the Chronicles of Narnia rap on SNL???? I linked to it in my previous post. HILARIOUS.)
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timeofchange
Dec. 20th, 2005 11:44 am (UTC)
Wonderful, and a fitting addition to Kovsky's "Five Families" fic. You make the family proud.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 11:53 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
fish_23
Dec. 20th, 2005 12:06 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah baby, BANG! That bang, the sound of the electric hammer cause you nailed that voice! Fantastic and perfect and you are most likely the first person to do a Buffy/MASH story, so also ground breaking!

Huge well done, and I clap politely in a Bostantonian manner.

ps. Did I send you my map story about Boston - it's all the rage don't you know.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
I DID get that Mapquest fic, and it was BRILL!! I particularly enjoyed the bit about the pahked cah on Hahvahd yahd.

*serves a glass of Brandy in a cut-glass snifter*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
(I felt sorry for him, too. He seemed very lonely.)

I loved Frank because he was so fun to hate, but Charles was a much more fleshed out character... So fun, the banter between him and the rest of the 4077th.

And I have to confess that I was inspired by Kovsky's fic, entirely. I just made a different one, is all. I'm so glad you liked it!! (I knew you were a M*A*S*H fan!!)
dlgood
Dec. 20th, 2005 03:11 pm (UTC)
This is awesome. We should totally pull together a mini-ficlet collective of about 100 bizarre crossover options built around the possible families Connor could be shoehorned into...

Connor as Matt's fraternal twin on Nip/Tuck
Connor Ewing
Connor Seaver
Connor Keaton
Connor Munster
Connor Stivic
Connor Newhart
Connor, son of Major Dad

and of course...

Connor Brady
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
oh, MAN, do I love the idea of Connor Seaver!! Or the Keatons!! That would be cracktastic.

*mind contemplates the possibilities....*

And thanks, by the way!
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mpoetess
Dec. 20th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)
*love* Dear god, but you can write Charles-voice. I'm amazed by that alone, without even bringing in the hilariousness of Connor on the other end of the postal line...
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, THANKS! I must have seen every episode fifteen times. I've only JUST realized there's M*A*S*H fanfiction out there. *is slow*

*nods appreciatively, goes back to listening to my civilized music to drown out the caterwauling of the natives*
lynnenne
Dec. 20th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
Dude. That was AWESOME. I could *hear* Charles saying every word in my head. And the tape recorder! I'd forgotten all about his tape recorder!

I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
Heee!! That line is actually from the show. CRAP!! I forgot to credit that, whoops!

I'm glad the voice came out true! I mean, *I* can hear him, but that doesn't mean I got it on paper right, so yay! *squish*
anidada
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:18 am (UTC)
Wow.
I, too, had expected the fic in annakovsky's set to be about the Winchesters of Boston, and when it wasn't, wished aloud that someone would write it. (I've crossed M*A*S*H* and BtVS, so the concept isn't at all bizarre, IMO! ;)

Clearly that wish was heard, because here you are with this brilliant fic. *loves* *pimps* *wishes someone would give me a million dollars*
stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:22 am (UTC)
Re: Wow.
Ahahaha!! Yay!! And now I'm off to find your fic!

(thanks for the kind words, by the way.)
Re: Wow. - anidada - Dec. 21st, 2005 09:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Wow. - stoney321 - Dec. 21st, 2005 09:39 am (UTC) - Expand
paynbow
Dec. 21st, 2005 01:20 pm (UTC)
Your Charles is awesome! Damn...it makes me all nostalgic for M*A*S*H. I loved the story! And thanks for that link! The AD story was fantastic, and I loved the OC one *g*
stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC)
Hee!! I stayed up late last night to catch a re-run, myself. *nostalgia*

Hers were great, right? Glad you liked mine, too!

*cracks the hell up at your icon*
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rayne_y_daze
Dec. 21st, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
Brilliant!
stoney321
Dec. 22nd, 2005 06:54 am (UTC)
You too! Thanks. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 31st, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
Uh... Holy behind on replies, sorry!

Thank you very much! I'm just going to stare at your icon, okay? Mmmmmm.
(Deleted comment)
my_daroga
Nov. 8th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
I actually... really liked that. You did a fantastic job of fitting him in there, and the letters-home device is delightful. I love M*A*S*H, probably because I am under the delusion that my dad is Hawkeye.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2006 02:22 pm (UTC)
You know something? I really really liked writing this. I LOOOOOOOOVED the show, and Charles took a bit for me to like (I loved Frank) but he was such a perfect ass.

Thank you.

And ooh, link!! *zooms*
( 57 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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