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It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Literally! 83? Blue skies? bit windy, but I DO NOT CARE. *cough* Happy birthday to Jack Davenport, 33. WHAT?!

I've slacked on posting my PotC fic, because I want to make it the best it can be, so ACK. I was seriously stressing about not posting a chapter a day, but... Do I want to keep a schedule, or do I want it to be good? SO! To bring a laugh and a smile to everyone, I have compiled lists!

#1: Best. T-Shirt Slogans. EVER. WARNING! Naughty. DUH.


  • I'm what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

  • If you're already this close, why don't you just suck my dick?

  • What Would Jesus Do? (For a Klondike bar?)

  • I shaved my balls for this?

  • Your girl wasn't a racist last night.

  • I stole this shirt from a homeless guy - why he had a shirt that says this, I'll never know.

  • Your sister is hot but your mom does that thing with her tongue.

  • I beta-tested your girlfriend. (Boyfriend is an option, as well)

  • At least you're looking at my shirt instead of my enormous erection.

  • The funniest thing about this shirt is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck.

  • There are two people fucking on the back of this shirt... just kidding. Believe in Jesus! (oh god, I laughed so hard!)

  • Michael Jackson did not molest those children - he made love to them.

  • I came on Eileen. (bwah! SUE!)

  • Spin my dreidel (and by dreidel I mean cock and by spin I mean suck)

  • I'm here to kill you - next time keep that chain letter going.

  • Some of my best friends are white people.

  • I'm not fat, I'm American.

  • Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.



And the BEST TEE-SHIRT IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE:

Dumbledore dies on page 598. I just saved you four hours and $30.

#2. And.... I needed to be evil. Horrible. Some might say... mean? And found some great bad!fic.


  • his powerful orgasm left him lobotomized with pleasure. (because everyone likes fucking a retard. My sister is autistic. Don't jump my shit for using the R word.)

  • he [was] pressing his brain for an instant replay. (aaaaaand now we see how he "really" got that lobotomy. Brains + fingers = glaaaaaahdrool.)

  • she placed her eye in the peephole (no one told me it was a zombie fic!)

  • she was hooked on his semen for life (how many did the phonics "worked for me!" line? Also, methadone might help her get off the spunk... Someone send Buffy a D.A.R.E. shirt.)

  • her fuck drive by had left his impotent sort of speak (did you forget he scrambled his brain with his fingers? that's why this makes no sense.)

  • his soaring shaft (I can show you the world..... On a magic cock-et ride! A whole new worllllld!)

  • the runway of brown curls leading to the puckered flesh that winked at him for contact. (puckered. PUCKERED. Also, she started with an airport metaphor, but dropped it. How about: ...leading to the underground runway of vag-tunnel with a one-way ticket to Orgasmville?)

  • she hoped there were no rude New Yorkers in the mood to bump her. She was wrong. (ETA: and now an icon for sharing! This just cracks me up. Goddamn rude NYers! I need to change my mood theme to have a "bump Buffy")

  • Buffy snatched the jaw of peanut butter out of his grasp. (jaw. You know, the museums REALLY don't like it when you take the skeletons apart and steal bits, then use them for dishes. Trust me - I found out the hard way.)

  • desperate kissing was making William's cock grow and expand. It needed a place to release itself. (Okay, I'm picturing a balloon. And the next instinct is to flinch because of the impending explosion. Not good to couple that with "cock." Also - needed a place to release? Isn't it in the vag-tunnel with a one-way ticket to Orgasmville? OH. Layover.)

  • [her] pussy began whispering nasty things to her (You'll never make it in the big city. Your father likes your sister more than you. Everyone saw you fall on the sidewalk and they ALL LAUGHED. Your ass is GINORMOUS.)

  • After sharing such an erotic moment, William knew it was time to eat. (So he went for some take out - making out made him HUNGRY. Oh. Not what she meant? Oh, she is SLY and CLEVER.)

  • Buffy's pussy lassoed him in. (I'd like to officially declare a moratorium on all Brokeback jokes, 'kay?)



And the most LITERAL and ACCURATE type-o EVER:
he had a face blessed by angles.

Comments

( 99 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:17 am (UTC)
Ha! That's one of my most favorite bookmarked sites, in other words, I KNOW BETH. JESUS.

I wasn't being blasphemous, I was chatting with him. he's my co-pilot. We've only wrecked fifteen times. *whispers* he drinks alot.
ladycat777
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:16 am (UTC)
*dies and dies and dies with laughter*

Also, I am SO JEALOUS OF YOU. It's freezing here!
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:19 am (UTC)
FREEZING??? Boooo. THat. THAT is why I heart Texas. I'm having margaritas for ... something. :D

Watch out for Rude New Yorkers. (they're everywhere...)
southernbangel
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
[her] pussy began whispering nasty things to her.

Personally, I hate it when my pussy starts whispering to me because god, it can be so rude! My pussy is not very nice AT ALL.


(And I can't believe I just typed those two sentences.)

Thanks for the giggles and chuckles. Ahhh, bad!fic, how I love you so.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:51 am (UTC)
I love it, as well.

*sighs happily*
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floweringjudas
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:28 am (UTC)
puckered.

wtf.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:51 am (UTC)
That word gets me HOT.

(wanna still play beta for me? Or are you swamped with rl?)
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stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:51 am (UTC)
WHEEE!! And I think that's going around...

*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:52 am (UTC)
Oooh, clever. Talk about a personal hand held device... Guys should do that with their leaking, weeping cocks.
cherusha
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:41 am (UTC)
I came on Eileen.

Please explain to the dumb girl who does not get this one.
demonqueen666
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:52 am (UTC)
I think it's in reference to the "Come On Eileen" song, that everyone is convinced has a dirty meaning. Y'know, "Come on Eileen, oh you know what I mean..."
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altyronsmaker
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:47 am (UTC)
Michael Jackson did not molest those children - he made love to them.

I believe that is my favorite t-shirt slogan. Way to put on a positive spin. ...NOT!

as for the bad!fic?

D'oh!
Oh, that poor thing. Bless her heart.
I do believe that if my pussy started whispering things to me, I'd have it examined. Or my head. Not sure which.

And what does "her fuck drive left his impotent sort of speak" actually mean? *is confused*

ROTF about the accurate typo ever! *still chuckling*
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
I HOWLED when I read the MJ one. Howled. bwah haha! Oh, how I love inappropriate humor.

(I have no idea. Her things.... sometimes just don't make any sense. I, and others, have tried to help, offer beta... Nope. *shrugs*)
demonqueen666
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:50 am (UTC)
You know, I'd thought I'd scraped the bottom of the barrel with all the time I spend over at pottersues...but DAMN, that was terrible.

Thanks for the laugh.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
BWAH! Oh, there's some AWESOMENESS over there, isn't there??
smashsc
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:50 am (UTC)
<3

I needed that laugh so much omg.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
It's going around!! I just decided that I was sick of feeling blue and went trolling for the funny.

BAM. *hugs*
poshcat
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:56 am (UTC)
>>The funniest thing about this shirt is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck.

Bwah!

And I think I should point out that we got a huge dump of snow yesterday, you wench! We can't complain much, though, because we've had an extraordinarily warm winter. Not like YOU, obviously, but pretty damn good for Canada.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:59 am (UTC)
Yeah - yours has been mild, huh? It's just about spring here. I like to VISIT snow, but I cannot imagine LIVING in snow.

Or... inside where there is snow on the ground.

Check out tshirthell.com. It's a great place for a laugh.
tinpanalley
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:00 am (UTC)

Alrighty then...so I apparently need to go to Spunk Addicts Anonymous and get my pussy an eye patch or something because when my "puckered flesh" starts winking at stuff, it can be really distracting!

*giggles madly* These are fabulous!
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:04 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Pussy patch. Wait... Spunk patch. WOW. Bwah!
going_not_gone
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:01 am (UTC)
I desperately needed a laugh, and you gave me one. Thanks!

"her fuck drive left his impotent sort of speak" is the "all your base are belong to us" of porn. I think you should make an icon with this phrase.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:05 am (UTC)
AHAHAHA!! That's hilarious! This is why you shouldn't give lobotomized sexy men blessed by angles a pen and paper.

*hugs*
spikendru
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:05 am (UTC)
BWAHAHA!!!

God, I love bad!fic. I really needed this laugh.

the runway of brown curls leading to the puckered flesh that winked at him for contact. Can I just say Ewww! Is Xander in need of a haircut again? 'Cause when I first read this I immediately pictured Xander's curling bangs above his left eye socket - that winked. Thank you so much for explaining the metaphor she was trying for, 'cause out-of-context imagining has left me scarred for life!

she hoped there were no rude New Yorkers in the mood to bump her. She was wrong.

I so need that slogan on a T-shirt!

*runs off giggling*
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:07 am (UTC)
I LOVE YOUR ICON!!!!!!

I think we ALL should have that t-shirt. They'd sell like HOT CAKES in NY.

*makes note to check on yearly average sales for hot cakes to see if statement still carries weight*
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ely_jan
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:24 am (UTC)
*waves off fellow workers running to pick me off the floor*

So much tshirt shopping to do! And between this story and the one Snow force-fed tortured me with shared with me last night? I'm down to only a smattering of living brain cells.

IT HURTS!!

*weeps like a vamp's dick in the springtime of love*



*points to icon* *la la la*
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:25 am (UTC)
I AM EATING!!!!!

*sets aside several ampules of penicillin for that there cock*

Oh, GOD I love the funny shirt.
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marlo
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:27 am (UTC)
That Willis one. I just saw that very recently! And since all I've been doing is eating cheese and watching Scrubs, it must have been on Scrubs. HIGHFIVE!
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:34 am (UTC)
HIGHFIVE!!

I can totally see The Todd wearing the "If you're already this close..." tee under his scrubs.
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amybnnyc
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:29 am (UTC)
Hee! Thank you so much for the giggles... god, they were needed. Although I kinda hate you for the 83, considering how very very fucking cold it is here.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)
I can assure you that I had nothing to do with the current temperature. And... that's why Texas is the best state in the union.

:D

*hugs and laughs all around!*
crayonbreakygal
Mar. 1st, 2006 12:01 pm (UTC)
"The funniest thing about this shirt is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck." Ha

The Dumbledore one was the best too. Wait, they all are laugh-out loud funny.

Wouldn't you think that lasso would hurt just a little? Poor Spike. He sure was subjected to some abuse in this fic. Ouch. With being hungry and having his penis explode, it's a wonder the man (manpire) could even perform.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 12:04 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking she needs to have a little plastic surgery on her clit if she's capable of lassoing with it.

Too much? Did I cross a line there? :D
yin_again
Mar. 1st, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
Best tee shirt: The Devil made me do it with your mom

Yippie-ky-yi-yea, motherfucker.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 01:39 pm (UTC)
BWAH! Better day today, tushie? :D
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spikendru
Mar. 1st, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
Hee! NYBump icon available. I made the text small enough that if you're not in the know as to what it says, you'll probably skip on by.

stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 02:14 pm (UTC)
HEE HEE HEE HEEEEE!!!

Oh, that's awesome. Linking up top!
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entrenous88
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:01 pm (UTC)
Heh, I'm so confused about that one. Is Buffy having group-sex with NYC hipsters? Or is she just being jostled on the subway?
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC)
Just being accosted. Walking down the street. Because you New Yorkers are BRUTES.
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entrenous88
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:02 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahaha!!! So many of these are pure gold! In that they are soft and worth a lot of money. <3
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC)
BWEEEEE!! I love it when you get super silly with me. *does the snoopy dance*

ALSO: I truly would wear any of those shirts. COME ON! Hilarity.
lynnenne
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:28 pm (UTC)
I think the tee-shirt website is tshirthell.com

And those are TAME. *is so happy things like this exist*
julia_here
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:49 pm (UTC)
I am reading.

These are all funny.

I'm an intermittant comment moron, lately.

Julia, also, it is no longer February. Everything about that is good.
stoney321
Mar. 2nd, 2006 05:54 am (UTC)
No, it's MARCH! And my garden is starting to pop its head up everwhere... Tiny little popcorn pieces on the pear trees, too.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS! (And there will be warmth and no more mud!)
timeofchange
Mar. 1st, 2006 04:23 pm (UTC)
[her] pussy began whispering nasty things to her (You'll never make it in the big city. Your father likes your sister more than you. Everyone saw you fall on the sidewalk and they ALL LAUGHED. Your ass is GINORMOUS.)

hahahaha

They're all hilarious but your comments on that one have extra elan.
stoney321
Mar. 2nd, 2006 05:54 am (UTC)
Heh, thanks. I love doing the commentary more than the fic, sometimes. Because I'm all about myself, apparently. HA!
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( 99 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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