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Fic and Sundries

Ahhh, back to the safe corner of the internet I've carved out for myself. Confidential to the moron who left a hateful note on piratebay: Yes, you ARE welcome for being the only person seeding "This Life" for three weeks to the detriment of any other downloads I want, and calling me a "cockhead" for rebooting my computer and leaving you hanging totally turns me on. Unless that wasn't a term of endearment, sorry. My asshole to English translator is on the fritz.

Hello! Happy Monday! Sunny, blue skies, 81 for a high today, and my body is getting tan and toned and life is fine, all things considered. I have a new music upload I'm working on to share, but probably not until tomorrow. Oh, have I gotten my hands on some good new tunes. Hooray for mskakaako and my sparkly subscription to Paste Magazine from her. JOY.

Fic! Coupling fic! WAIT! Don't run off, it's fun fic! It's fic that even the BOYS on my flist will read and enjoy! I hope... Jeff POV. In between "The End of the Line" and "Split" where Steve and Susan are broken up. Again. PGish. Dirty thoughts, like on the show. (And if you were interested in reading my other Coupling fic, they're here - slashy, fair warning!) And if you aren't familiar with Coupling - shame on you! - imagine a Welsh Xander. But cuter. :)



Breasts, Wardrobes and Best Mates

~*~*~*~


Jeff always stopped by Steve's house after a drink. Or after a difficult phone call. Or a tremendous footie match. Or if he had a new theory on why women made him so nervous. Or who - should a bomb blow up a convention of the world's top actresses, which obviously would include Helen Mirren - who would the reassembled bits look the most like? Probably Helen Mirren, but since New Bits Woman would also contain parts of Sharon Stone and Uma Thurman and Kate Winslet, maybe the final product would be more like early Vanessa Redgrave, who was rather under appreciated for her looks when she was younger and why wasn't Steve's front door locked?

Steve's neighbor, Number Nine they called him, nodded and continued smoking on his stoop. Jeff raised a hand with an overeager grin, and went inside to Steve's flat. Most likely Steve had anticipated Jeff's need to discuss the process of putting body parts back together and had left it open. Or knew that Jeff would have theories on the need for New Bits Woman to have two different sized breasts, because who doesn't like a little variety? Oh, sure sometimes a handful was perfect. Less to fuss with or get knocked about by. But oftentimes a large one felt really great, and a man might get tired and need a proper pillow to lay on, and there would be a pillow breast, and then one breast for the other hand, and that's possibly the greatest idea he's ever had. But that just begged the question as to why they don't make pillows out of breasts? Obviously not real breasts. Most likely there are laws against harvesting breasts, but technology has advanced to the state where fake breasts are practically like real ones, so why on earth wouldn't they manufacture breast pillows? It was perfectly natural, if you thought about it and... the telly was on.

Why was Steve's telly on and him not there watching it? And a movie was beginning to play, and good God, it's The Wicker Man. Jeff was beginning to become nervous. Both because the thought of a nude Brit Ekland writhing and dancing in a hotel room made his insides squirmy, and that Steve was obviously planning on watching one of their favorite non-porn porn movies but wasn't here.

Jeff poked his head into Steve's bedroom - the light was off and there were no lumpy shapes or any moaning, writhing bits under the duvet, but there were some noises coming from the front room. Jeff ran back to the telly. Oh, god full backal nudity. AND FULL FRONTAL - RESULT! Jeff hopped over the back of the slick leather couch and grinned like a loon at the screen.

The thing about bottoms was that they were possibly the greatest hinge in the existence of... anything. Jeff liked hinges. Mostly because they reminded him of bottoms. Sometimes as a young boy he'd open and shut his wardrobe in his bedroom over and over again, watching how it folded in half and imagined Jenny Agutter bending over to pick up his dirty socks. Over and over again until his mother cuffed him on the ear and told him that they couldn't afford to buy a new wardrobe, especially since he'd already sexually assaulted the previous one, and if he didn't stop molesting the furniture he'd lose another penis-segment while he slept.

Jeff shuddered on the sofa and focused on the screen. Bugger. Just the cop sweating and thinking about a naked Brit just on the other side of the wall, but if you thought about it, it was better there was a wall. Being that naked and moving like that was surely against the law and OH GOD THEY'RE NAKED ON THE LAWN! Not the copper and Brit, obviously, but lots of other naked people! Sometimes Jeff thought he'd like to live on a naked island. All the bottoms and breasts you could ever want to see roaming about - free. But then he thought about all the men bottoms. And frontals. If it was an island of only women, that would be great. Except he'd most likely be nervous, and not able to pull a single nudie, and then he'd feel ashamed again. The only man on an island of completely naked women and unable to chat one up. He'd feel more ashamed than the time when his mother and the vicar walked in on him assaulting the first wardrobe. But it's not like he could help it, could he? He had forgotten that he left an advert for ladies underclothing pinned up inside and it had been a frustrating day and he only thought it would take a moment.

If he was going to move to Naked Island, he'd definitely want Steve there, too. Not Patrick. Nothing against Patrick, mind, just... he didn't need that sort of competition. Anyone with a nickname of "Donkey" was definitely not going to be your WingMan on Naked Island. Not that Steve was inadequate, either. On the contrary, Steve was quite manly. But not so large that he could lean forward and give his legs a rest. Steve wasn't a show off, either. Not that Jeff watched Steve have a bit of a tug often, it just happened that Jeff was almost always there. And there was the whole "porn buddies" thing. It's not like he was going to tell Susan the full details of what that meant. Sure, they both knew the first thing upon the other's death was to clear out the deceased's flat of all pornographic materials before their parents came, but it also meant trying out new videos together.

Jeff had managed to convince Steve that you couldn't just watch a new video alone. You needed to gauge another mate's reactions to it, first and foremost. What if it was one of those weird fetishist films and it was the sort of thing that you shouldn't be watching at all? The sort of films your mother had found in the second wardrobe? The sort of films that made her drag you down to the schoolyard and admit to the other kids that you liked watching videos of large women washing motorbikes with their breasts?

After Jeff had explained his idea for replacing chamois with large breasted women, and how soap was key in to the entire operation because if the women got chapped, then the whole thing would be off, Steve had reminded Jeff to get to the bloody point.

Which clearly was a bloke needed a hand - not that sort of hand, he made clear to Steve - in deciding if this particular pornography was worth the investment. After they both had a long laugh, because face it, there is no such thing as "bad" pornography, Jeff was sure of that fact, he explained that watching naughty videos alone was pathetic. Sure, Jeff watched them alone all the time, so Steve should see the point he was trying to make.

What was needed - now that Brit had managed to finish her dance and there was a lot of pointless talking and plot onscreen - was a bag of crisps and some beer. Jeff pushed off the black sofa and headed to the kitchen. Steve always kept extra beer - the Belgian summer beer Jeff liked the most - in the cupboard by the back... door. And the back door was open. Jeff looked about quickly, grabbed the toaster, yanked the cord from the wall and held it menacingly over his head, kicked the door open and stepped out on the back stoop.

"Steve! What are you doing out here?" Jeff lowered the toaster, held it under his arm against his side and clapped his friend on the shoulder with the other. "Sometimes I like how the night air feels on my c-"

"Jeff! I'm not... For God's sake, is that all you ever think about? Wait. Of course it is. I'm just... I'm just having a bit of quiet reflection."

Jeff shifted, set the toaster on the railing and stood shoulder to shoulder with Steve looking out at the small patch of garden behind the row of flats. "A bit of what?"

Steve sighed. "Quiet. Reflection. Something I'm sure you've never... Listen. I'm just not wanting to talk to anyone, alright?"

Jeff slung his arm over his friends shoulder and gently bumped his head against Steve's. "She affects me, too."

"What? Susan?"

"Oh! No, I was talking about Brit Eckland and her hinge, er, her bottom! Weren't we talking about nudity?"

Steve tensed under Jeff's arm and spoke evenly and coldly, "Jeff. I appreciate that you are in a constant state of arousal and nudity obsession. But I've just let the woman I want to marry - maybe, at least I don't want her to marry anyone else. Look, I've just let Susan leave and it's quite possibly over between us and she's beautiful and a great person and..."

"She's got a great hinge. And it's free. For you, anyway."

"Jeff. I want you to turn around, walk out of my flat, and not come back tonight nor tomorrow night, do you understand?"

Jeff took a few steps back and blinked. His stomach dropped to his shoes and his chest felt a bit clenchy. "But Brit and..."

"Not another word. Get the hell out of my home, Jeff."

Jeff stood on the front walk for several minutes looking down both sides of the street, trying to remember which way his flat was. He twisted the silver ring on his index finger round and round wondering if Steve was having a bit of a joke at his expense, half-expecting him to open the door, laugh, and shout "Gotcha." But he never did. Only Number Nine came out to light up while Jeff stood counting the street lamps with the smell of tobacco curling into his nose.

Number Nine crushed his fag under his bootheel and asked, "You lost?"

Jeff turned, gave a small smile and a nod. "Yeah. A bit."

~*~*~

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
cherusha
Apr. 10th, 2006 08:19 am (UTC)
No! I mean, YES, new Coupling fic from Stoney-- but poor Jeff! Dat Bastard. Let me cuddle him.

Loved Jeff's inner monologue, especially the breast pillows bit. Hell, even I find the thought of breast pillows appealing now.

Also:

:O
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:10 am (UTC)
HEEEEEEE! Nice bottom. I mean Hinge!!!

*cough* There may be another one coming from Steve's perspective...

And I'm serious about the breast pillows! We have the technology... (thanks, my Ru!)
cherusha
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:29 am (UTC)
Have you ever seen such a hinge exposed? Scandalous.

There may be another one coming from Steve's perspective...

Hooray!
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:37 am (UTC)
Filthy little bit of hardware. (And I don't know why, but I find it easier to slide into Jeff's thoughts than Steve's. I need to finish re-watching S3. Oh, and have MISSED! Was sooo busy this weekend - good kind - and have an art gallery showing to tell you involving a skeleton pirate with Depp's face. Hahahaha!)
cherusha
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:42 am (UTC)
*snugs*
OOOO. Sexiest skeleton ever!

(and pretend that didn't sound totally creepy)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC)
Dude. Jeff allllll the way for me. even a tiny bit more than JackDav. The index finger ring! The floof! Oh, and there are a few naked scenes of him and RAWR. My most favorite body type on a man. Lean and wirey, yum.

And now I have the "WingMan" song from that beer commercial in my head... Hahaha!! I love boys.
beadattitude
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:12 am (UTC)
I have no idea who these people were, and was about to prod to write people I KNOW, dammit, but then I got sucked in and this was brilliant. I bow in the face of your superior skillz and hinge, though if we're going by size, I so totally whup you.

::squishes you madly::

I got my plane tickets for WriterCon! EEEE!
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:14 am (UTC)
<-- this is Jeff!
COUPLING. If you have Netflix GET IT. You won't regret it, honest. And your man will love it as much as you (maybe even a bit more). If you cannot find it, let me know and I'll send you copies. It's a FANTASTIC comedy from the UK.

Can't wait to hug you again!!! (And thanks - I'm so excited you read it and liked it!!)
gigglestheblood
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:18 am (UTC)
I miss Coupling so much! I love this fic and your other Coupling fics, you got Jeff and Steve's voices down perfectly! :)
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:25 am (UTC)
HEEEEE!! *points to your icon* Oh, how I love that show... I keep finding rumors of a fifth season, which is preposterous. ("Susan" is on a show here in the states, first of all.)

I would LOVE a show about Jeff on the Isle of Lesbos, personally. Love Richard Coyle.

(And thank you! That's the best compliment you could give me!)
gigglestheblood
Apr. 10th, 2006 10:48 am (UTC)
I love Richard Coyle. Even if there is going to be a fifth season he probably wouldn't do it. Jeff on the Isle of Lesbos would be so funny!
funkparadise
Apr. 10th, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)
You wrote Coupling fics?? I freakin' love you!!

::goes off to read older one first::

BREASTS!!!!
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 11:47 am (UTC)
I did! Hooray for fellow fen! (And cooooool icon, btw)

NIPPLES!
funkparadise
Apr. 10th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC)
(And cooooool icon, btw) Thankies.

And now to the bowing down and kissing your feet part of the reply.

::smackaroos on your toes::

You just reminded me why I loved this show so very very much.

YOU could do Season Five!! Please kill off Oliver
brutti_ma_buoni
Apr. 10th, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)
Wow - non BtVS fic I actually get! Jeff-speak is worryingly catching - you've got his voice really well. Trouble is, I'm now Jeff-speaking in my head. Will probably survive unless start Jeff-thinking as well...

Most likely there are laws against harvesting breasts Show me the country that has this law! I must know.

By the way, over here armoire=wardrobe [I think]. Uncomfortable either way, though.
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 11:48 am (UTC)
Gah, you are correct! (Shame on me for not remembering it was not the lion, the witch and the armoire! - Have fixed and HUGE thanks for pointing it out)

I love Jeff-speak, and you're right on it being catching. *tries to control thoughts* *fails miserably* Thanks so much for your feedback!
brutti_ma_buoni
Apr. 10th, 2006 12:09 pm (UTC)
Pedants of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but, well, your lives, when People With Actual Lives stone you in the street. But it's fun while it lasts.

Although I quite like the idea of an alternate L,W&A - not sure what kind of magical land you'd reach through an armoire, but I'm picturing eighteenth century France, lots of ladies' maids and tight lacing. Is always possible that's still the influence of Jeff though. Dear God, save me.
stoney321
Apr. 10th, 2006 04:23 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha!!! Excellent.
savoytruffle
Apr. 11th, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
great job. felt just watching the show. hilarious and random and then just a bit sad at the end. well done.
stoney321
Apr. 11th, 2006 01:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, YAY!!! Man, I love that show. And.. *cough* there's more coming, from Steve's POV, should you be interested.

Thank you, thank you!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 11th, 2006 01:37 pm (UTC)
HEEE!! Actually, at one point Jeff compliments God on the excellent job of making the hinge, er, bottom so magnificent, so I just built on canon, really. :)

I LOVE Jeffisms. Love them. Breast pillows! I mean, we have the technology, Anne! Hee hee.

I love Jeff a bit more than Steve. Don't tell.
elessil
Apr. 12th, 2006 05:11 am (UTC)
Awww! You're not supposed to give poor Jeff a sad end!

Love. It's almost scary how well you managed Jeff's mangled thoughts, because I could SO see him ranting that aloud.
stoney321
Apr. 12th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC)
Hooray! And *pets Jeff*

However! On the show when things ended on a serious note, there was always a second part, usually from another's POV, right? :D

...Steve's bit is coming.
elessil
Apr. 12th, 2006 05:37 am (UTC)
Not necessarily. Some authors are just plain evil.

May I ask form which publicity still this icon is? I only know with Steve and Susan in the bed.
stoney321
Apr. 12th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC)
Ah, yes, but I was referring to Steve Moffat with "on the show." I will not leave you hanging!

And you'll have to ask Cherusha for the source - she made the icon, although I know the image came from the publicity stills with them all in the bed. (Isn't it fantastic!? I love Richard Coyle!!)
elessil
Apr. 12th, 2006 05:50 am (UTC)
*grins* All authors are evil. And you know, you're inspiring to write Coupling meta. Yes, such a thing exists. I've been longing to rant about Susan for a long, long while.

And I am ABSOLUTELY in love with that show. It's the only sitcom I like, but I like it a LOT.
stoney321
Apr. 12th, 2006 06:18 am (UTC)
I LOVE IT, TOO!

And okay. THANK GOD someone else sees the problem with Susan. WHY would anyone want to be with her? Her character is the worst written one on the show. After the second ep, she's a completely different person! By S3, I kept wondering why the hell Steve would still be with her. And don't get me started on S4 - the writer was COMPLETELY phoning that in. SO OOC - everyone - and the actors looked positively bored.

Oh, and Oliver. Pah.
elessil
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:38 am (UTC)
I must admit that I didn't hate S4 that much (although I really didn't like Oliver), because I did like Patrick more than before, I think.

Susan is just a hypocritical BITCH. Seriously. She flips out about Steve watching porn and telling HIS friends, but she's allowed to tell her friends? She is allowed to embarrass him during the dinner (Though I do SO love the Inferno rant)

The worst thing she does, if you ask me, is the baby thing. She simply goes off the pill without as much as telling him. It's not as if Steve would ever deny her, but her playing him is just plain evil. Biiiitch. Give me the woobie.
classics_lover
Apr. 27th, 2006 09:28 am (UTC)
Oh, fantastic! More Coupling fic! Excellent! (Massive!)

So very Jeff, getting distracted by Britt Eckland while on a mission to find out where Steve is! And the Wardrobe! LOL! *gigglefits*

For God's sake, is that all you ever think about? Wait. Of course it is. *snork* *sporfling gigglefits*

And I really like the inclusion of Smokey Smokerson(as I and my Mum call him!)

You should post these fics (or links to them) on the Coupling communities.
stoney321
Apr. 27th, 2006 09:32 am (UTC)
Oh, thanks! SO glad you liked them and found the voices to be decent. I had NO IDEA there were Coupling communities!! (I've posted earlier fics with Steve as the POV to JackDav, but as this was Jeff POV, didn't follow suite.)

Again, super thanks for coming back to this older fic! *beams joy at you*
classics_lover
Apr. 27th, 2006 10:11 am (UTC)
Oh, they were better than decent, let me assure you. Yeah, there's three I think. The ones I remember are coupling , coupling_quotes (of which I am a member) which are the most active (or least inactive, anyway) of the Coupling comms. The Coupling!love needs to be spread all around the world.
stoney321
Apr. 27th, 2006 10:20 am (UTC)
*salutes* I am on it, Captain! I agree we need to spread the love!!

(will check out and post - thank you so much for the heads up!! *gleeful at the potential new fics to read*)
classics_lover
Apr. 27th, 2006 10:23 am (UTC)
Excellent!

Although, thinking about it, I haven't seen very many fics in those parts.
(Actually, I wrote a Coupling fic back before Christmas. It's on my journal if you're interested in reading it (if you haven't already))
etmuse
Apr. 7th, 2012 11:51 am (UTC)
I'm supposed to be sorting through piles of stuff in my childhood bedroom, but then I noticed the word 'Coupling' on your fic master list and...

I love Jeff. I don't think there's another character that has ever supplanted him in my affections and you got his completely insane mental flow just right. Of COURSE he molested his first wardrobe. Of course.

(I am so going to have to make Coupling gifs for my tumblr when I get back home to my DVDs...)
stoney321
Apr. 7th, 2012 12:23 pm (UTC)
I looooooooooove Jeff. He is often quoted by my husband, as well. "SUCCESS!"

So glad this made you laugh! Gosh, this is an old one, too! :)
( 37 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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