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PARODY SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

For those that are new around here, I'm not a believer. I don't mock others who are Christian, I'm not one of those atheists - okay, sometimes, but never to your face. Honest. But I love Easter for all the pagan rituals it sprang from. But I'm not all into Zombie!Jesus.™ (Zombie!Jesus™ belongs to violethamster and all her entities) Yes, Easter is the celebration where millions of believers across the globe gather to rejoice in the creation of the first zombie, The Lord Christ. But he didn't want braaaaaaiiiiiiiins. He wanted your SOUL! But not in a cool Evil Dead way.

Okay! If you are laughing at this point, continue on! If not, RUN. WARNING: BLASPHEMY. I'm on a one way ticket to hell. First class, baby.

I give you: "EASTER!" set to the tune of "Thriller" by Michael "boys' pants half off" Jackson.

Don't even act like you don't know this song top to bottom. EVERYONE knows Thriller.

(1rst)
It's close to three days and something glowy's lurking in the cave
Under the moonlight - without his death no sinners can be saved
The Sadducees - they claimed eternal life to be forsaken
The Pharisees - the jots and tittles scales over their eyes -
He will arise!

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
And nuthin's gonna save Judas from swingin' from a Rowan
Yes, He has risen! Easter Morn'!
He's fighting for ya life - eternal - ever - lastin' Glory!

(2nd)
You hear the boulder slam (bam!) and realize there's nuthin' left inside
You feel the cooooold linen and wonder was he really God's Only Pride?
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination (yeah!)
But all the while - you're thinkin' of Moeshe, Coen and Schlomo -
You've been a ho!

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't no second chance from He who fasted forty nights girl! (hooo! hooo!)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't Eternal Life for a killer - sinner - unborn!

(bridge)
Legions will crawl
And Lazarus will walk with resurrection...
There's no escaping the reanimated Rabboni
He says you won't die
Echo: He says that you will not die.... (hoo!)

(3rd)
They're out to get you - evangelists surround your every side
They will possess you, "The Watchtower" - your actions it will chide
Now is the time - for atheists to bond so close together
The Born Agains - they won't accept that some do not Believe
They'll make you see!

(chorus)
That He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
And He can save you more than any Buddha'd ever dare try! (Hooooo! Hooo!)
'Cause He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
So let them dunk you down into a river, bathtub tonight!

(Vincent Price "rap")
Darkness falls across the land
The nine inch nails driven in His hands
Soldiers pierce in search of blood
To prove His life now is mud
And whosoever played not nice
And denied Himself not once but thrice
Must stand and face the public's scorn
And live their life most forlorn
The foulest stench was in the air
The funk of two thieves not given care
He shambled out of sepulchre gloom
To seal the fate of sinner's doom
And though you fight for your own life
He wonders, "Goest thou... wither?"
For no mere mortal can do without
Zombie!Jesus - Eternal Life Giver!

(maniacal laughter, echoes out)

~*~

If... if I've made your Sunday service a little more enjoyable from this, I have succeeded. Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra. God I want a Zombie Jesus/Thriller video icon SO MUCH.

Comments

( 80 comments — Leave a comment )
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dedra
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:42 am (UTC)
Stoney, you are BAD! In a good way, BAD! You know it...UNH...You BAD! You BAD! Ja'mon...

Just the thing to brighten up a Maundy Thursday (and why is it maundy anyway? Couldn't they think up another name--like Oops, gonna die tomorrow Thursday!? Get outta here Thursday?)

Poetic bee-yach, you!
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
Broken. I'm broken. I'm that little dolly who got its head pulled off and daddy tried to fix it, but it was never the same...
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yin_again
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:43 am (UTC)
I love you so much right now.

I ::heart:: Zombie!Jesus.
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
*slides leg out, head - left-right-left-right - hands up top - clap!*

SHAMON!

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moosesal
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:00 am (UTC)
This is brilliant. I'm sending my Catholic best friend over. :)
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:02 am (UTC)
The funny thing is, now I can't stop singing it this way...

I'd like to see a pic of Zombie!Jesus in the final scene of the Thriller video, a cross and a vial of holy water in his hands, shambling forward.

...but then, that's just me. :)
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angstpuppy
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:18 am (UTC)
So much love for you right now, you just have no idea.

"I don't care if it rain or freezes
'long as I got my zombie!jesus..."
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:28 am (UTC)
Zombie!Jesus on your dash...
Your car will never crash!

Heee! Thanks.
sdwolfpup
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra.

I WAS SO DOING THAT. I love that dance. *does the arm lift bit and the one-leg shuffle around*

Zombie!Jesus. *hoots with laughter*
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
But Peter will be in the back - one of the guys that later does the headless breakdance thing. Because of that whole "cock crows" thing.

Paul is the chick with the big purse and one shoe.

*cracks up*
trepkos
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
Wow!
It scans right an' everything!
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:41 am (UTC)
Ha! Wait... what? Scans? *iz stupid*
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swmbo
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:41 am (UTC)
The coffee incident was even more traumatic to hear about the SECOND time!

*flails*
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:42 am (UTC)
And man, it was going to be GOOD. That first sip was EXCELLENT. And my whole office smells of coffee - coffee that is being DENIED ME.

18 minutes until he opens the beanery...
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:13 am (UTC)
Oh, yeah. Now take that and stick it in the Republican/Christian SOUTH. It's almost more respectable to be a Mormon than an Atheist here. I made the hard and fast rule with Mr. S that I'm not raising my kids in any religion, but if they ask, I'll tell them "what so and so believes is..." and leave it to them to decide when they're older.

I love all of the consumer trappings of religious holidays: the eggs, chocolate and meals for Easter, the gifts, lights, decorations and food of Christmas, but... I know too much about history, religious beginnings, etc. to ever believe in a Higher Power or that sort of thing.

If my MIL (who thinks I'm doing my kids a disservice by not raising them up in a religion) brings up anything "churchy," I'm starting in on the whole Zombie!Jesus schpiel. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:14 am (UTC)
Heee!! Did you do the shuffle/slide/head wiggle/overhead clap?

Or the step left/step right/step step step left move with your hands out? Heeeeee!! Glad you laughed.
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altyronsmaker
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:23 am (UTC)
*shakes head*

I laughed.
I have blashpemed.
Jesus is going to turn from me, I just know it.

Meanie!

*walks away pouting, occasionally snickering*
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:36 am (UTC)
JESUS MADE ME. I suppose. If he's real, then he made all the funny stuff as well as the cancer and butterflies. :D
lynnenne
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:31 am (UTC)
HEEEEEEEEE! You are completely cracked. I love that about you.
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:37 am (UTC)
HAHAHA!! Oh, I just uploaded "Thriller" in the post, if you need a refresher.

AND. Just wait until you see my Lynnevitational fic. I pulled over in the car and started scribbling the other day. SO. EXCITED.
funkparadise
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
Bwah. This was cool. I'm so going to hell.

Hee Heeee

::jumps on car, spins around and grabs crotch::
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC)
HOOOOOOOOOO!

*smashes window with baseball bat, bites lower lip*

(Heee! Thanks!)
cherusha
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:58 am (UTC)
You make me want to convert to Christianity just so I can get all these in-jokes.

The nine inch nails driven in His hands

OH! *lightbulb* I thought the band just named themselves that because nine-inch long fingernails sounded scary and goth and hardcore. But thank you for the image involving Jesus being forced to listen to NIN on-loop until he couldn't stand it anymore and nailed himself onto the cross. To stop the pain.
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
Ha! Yes, 9 inch nails are what were allegedly driven into his hands.

(Pharisees and Sadducees were the two political/spiritual factions of Jews at the "time of Christ." Jot and Tittles are the minutiae of law, in a nutshell.)

Um... and zombies are the reanimated dead. :D

And your little "tale" of Jesus and Trent Reznor has made me HOWL with laughter. ♥
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stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:39 am (UTC)
Cha cha ChachaCHA!

We'll totally sing this on Sunday. For my mother in law.
_divya_
Apr. 13th, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
HEE. I love this, even though I don't get most of the Biblical references, because I think my brain put up a screen when I was really little so that most of that crap never got in. Luckily, I haven't had many people shove religion at me in my life, for which I THANK THE BABY JESUS. And Zombie!Jesus. And PissedOffInTheTemple!Jesus. And all the little Jesuses.

Dude, I seriously don't know what's wrong with me these days. I'm becoming so intolerant of people who are old-style religious, and I don't know when this happened. Usually I'm all "live and let live" about it, but OMG. My extremely elderly Catholic neighbor told me about the Book of Judas thing the other day, then said, "Well, we don't know what the documents contain yet, but they say it'll change everything." And I thought to myself, "You mean it'll change SPACE AND TIME? Come on, it's not like anything's really different. The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you; even that's the same." Of course, what I said was, "Uh huh..."
stoney321
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:29 pm (UTC)
Oh, man that's rich. "It'll change everything."

Really, it'll only change the Center Square in Dante's Inferno, honestly. And I love your comment about "The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you."

And the Mormons, and the Baptists, and the Lutherans, and the...

I love the constantly evolving morality and righteousness of Christianity. It's astounding how far removed from The Beattitudes it's become.

ZOMBIE JESUS WILL SMITE THE WICKED AND EAT THEIR BRAAAAAIIIIIINS.
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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