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For those that are new around here, I'm not a believer. I don't mock others who are Christian, I'm not one of those atheists - okay, sometimes, but never to your face. Honest. But I love Easter for all the pagan rituals it sprang from. But I'm not all into Zombie!Jesus.™ (Zombie!Jesus™ belongs to violethamster and all her entities) Yes, Easter is the celebration where millions of believers across the globe gather to rejoice in the creation of the first zombie, The Lord Christ. But he didn't want braaaaaaiiiiiiiins. He wanted your SOUL! But not in a cool Evil Dead way.

Okay! If you are laughing at this point, continue on! If not, RUN. WARNING: BLASPHEMY. I'm on a one way ticket to hell. First class, baby.

I give you: "EASTER!" set to the tune of "Thriller" by Michael "boys' pants half off" Jackson.

Don't even act like you don't know this song top to bottom. EVERYONE knows Thriller.

It's close to three days and something glowy's lurking in the cave
Under the moonlight - without his death no sinners can be saved
The Sadducees - they claimed eternal life to be forsaken
The Pharisees - the jots and tittles scales over their eyes -
He will arise!

'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
And nuthin's gonna save Judas from swingin' from a Rowan
Yes, He has risen! Easter Morn'!
He's fighting for ya life - eternal - ever - lastin' Glory!

You hear the boulder slam (bam!) and realize there's nuthin' left inside
You feel the cooooold linen and wonder was he really God's Only Pride?
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination (yeah!)
But all the while - you're thinkin' of Moeshe, Coen and Schlomo -
You've been a ho!

'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't no second chance from He who fasted forty nights girl! (hooo! hooo!)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't Eternal Life for a killer - sinner - unborn!

Legions will crawl
And Lazarus will walk with resurrection...
There's no escaping the reanimated Rabboni
He says you won't die
Echo: He says that you will not die.... (hoo!)

They're out to get you - evangelists surround your every side
They will possess you, "The Watchtower" - your actions it will chide
Now is the time - for atheists to bond so close together
The Born Agains - they won't accept that some do not Believe
They'll make you see!

That He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
And He can save you more than any Buddha'd ever dare try! (Hooooo! Hooo!)
'Cause He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
So let them dunk you down into a river, bathtub tonight!

(Vincent Price "rap")
Darkness falls across the land
The nine inch nails driven in His hands
Soldiers pierce in search of blood
To prove His life now is mud
And whosoever played not nice
And denied Himself not once but thrice
Must stand and face the public's scorn
And live their life most forlorn
The foulest stench was in the air
The funk of two thieves not given care
He shambled out of sepulchre gloom
To seal the fate of sinner's doom
And though you fight for your own life
He wonders, "Goest thou... wither?"
For no mere mortal can do without
Zombie!Jesus - Eternal Life Giver!

(maniacal laughter, echoes out)


If... if I've made your Sunday service a little more enjoyable from this, I have succeeded. Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra. God I want a Zombie Jesus/Thriller video icon SO MUCH.


( 80 comments — Leave a comment )
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Apr. 13th, 2006 06:42 am (UTC)
Stoney, you are BAD! In a good way, BAD! You know it...UNH...You BAD! You BAD! Ja'mon...

Just the thing to brighten up a Maundy Thursday (and why is it maundy anyway? Couldn't they think up another name--like Oops, gonna die tomorrow Thursday!? Get outta here Thursday?)

Poetic bee-yach, you!
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
Broken. I'm broken. I'm that little dolly who got its head pulled off and daddy tried to fix it, but it was never the same...
... - dedra - Apr. 13th, 2006 08:00 am (UTC) - Expand
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Apr. 13th, 2006 06:43 am (UTC)
I love you so much right now.

I ::heart:: Zombie!Jesus.
Apr. 13th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
*slides leg out, head - left-right-left-right - hands up top - clap!*


... - moosesal - Apr. 13th, 2006 07:00 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Apr. 13th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:00 am (UTC)
This is brilliant. I'm sending my Catholic best friend over. :)
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:02 am (UTC)
The funny thing is, now I can't stop singing it this way...

I'd like to see a pic of Zombie!Jesus in the final scene of the Thriller video, a cross and a vial of holy water in his hands, shambling forward.

...but then, that's just me. :)
... - moosesal - Apr. 13th, 2006 07:58 am (UTC) - Expand
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Apr. 13th, 2006 07:18 am (UTC)
So much love for you right now, you just have no idea.

"I don't care if it rain or freezes
'long as I got my zombie!jesus..."
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:28 am (UTC)
Zombie!Jesus on your dash...
Your car will never crash!

Heee! Thanks.
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra.

I WAS SO DOING THAT. I love that dance. *does the arm lift bit and the one-leg shuffle around*

Zombie!Jesus. *hoots with laughter*
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
But Peter will be in the back - one of the guys that later does the headless breakdance thing. Because of that whole "cock crows" thing.

Paul is the chick with the big purse and one shoe.

*cracks up*
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
It scans right an' everything!
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:41 am (UTC)
Ha! Wait... what? Scans? *iz stupid*
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Apr. 13th, 2006 07:41 am (UTC)
The coffee incident was even more traumatic to hear about the SECOND time!

Apr. 13th, 2006 07:42 am (UTC)
And man, it was going to be GOOD. That first sip was EXCELLENT. And my whole office smells of coffee - coffee that is being DENIED ME.

18 minutes until he opens the beanery...
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:13 am (UTC)
Oh, yeah. Now take that and stick it in the Republican/Christian SOUTH. It's almost more respectable to be a Mormon than an Atheist here. I made the hard and fast rule with Mr. S that I'm not raising my kids in any religion, but if they ask, I'll tell them "what so and so believes is..." and leave it to them to decide when they're older.

I love all of the consumer trappings of religious holidays: the eggs, chocolate and meals for Easter, the gifts, lights, decorations and food of Christmas, but... I know too much about history, religious beginnings, etc. to ever believe in a Higher Power or that sort of thing.

If my MIL (who thinks I'm doing my kids a disservice by not raising them up in a religion) brings up anything "churchy," I'm starting in on the whole Zombie!Jesus schpiel. :D
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:14 am (UTC)
Heee!! Did you do the shuffle/slide/head wiggle/overhead clap?

Or the step left/step right/step step step left move with your hands out? Heeeeee!! Glad you laughed.
... - dedra - Apr. 13th, 2006 08:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:23 am (UTC)
*shakes head*

I laughed.
I have blashpemed.
Jesus is going to turn from me, I just know it.


*walks away pouting, occasionally snickering*
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:36 am (UTC)
JESUS MADE ME. I suppose. If he's real, then he made all the funny stuff as well as the cancer and butterflies. :D
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:31 am (UTC)
HEEEEEEEEE! You are completely cracked. I love that about you.
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:37 am (UTC)
HAHAHA!! Oh, I just uploaded "Thriller" in the post, if you need a refresher.

AND. Just wait until you see my Lynnevitational fic. I pulled over in the car and started scribbling the other day. SO. EXCITED.
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
Bwah. This was cool. I'm so going to hell.

Hee Heeee

::jumps on car, spins around and grabs crotch::
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC)

*smashes window with baseball bat, bites lower lip*

(Heee! Thanks!)
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:58 am (UTC)
You make me want to convert to Christianity just so I can get all these in-jokes.

The nine inch nails driven in His hands

OH! *lightbulb* I thought the band just named themselves that because nine-inch long fingernails sounded scary and goth and hardcore. But thank you for the image involving Jesus being forced to listen to NIN on-loop until he couldn't stand it anymore and nailed himself onto the cross. To stop the pain.
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
Ha! Yes, 9 inch nails are what were allegedly driven into his hands.

(Pharisees and Sadducees were the two political/spiritual factions of Jews at the "time of Christ." Jot and Tittles are the minutiae of law, in a nutshell.)

Um... and zombies are the reanimated dead. :D

And your little "tale" of Jesus and Trent Reznor has made me HOWL with laughter. ♥
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(Deleted comment)
Apr. 13th, 2006 09:39 am (UTC)
Cha cha ChachaCHA!

We'll totally sing this on Sunday. For my mother in law.
Apr. 13th, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
HEE. I love this, even though I don't get most of the Biblical references, because I think my brain put up a screen when I was really little so that most of that crap never got in. Luckily, I haven't had many people shove religion at me in my life, for which I THANK THE BABY JESUS. And Zombie!Jesus. And PissedOffInTheTemple!Jesus. And all the little Jesuses.

Dude, I seriously don't know what's wrong with me these days. I'm becoming so intolerant of people who are old-style religious, and I don't know when this happened. Usually I'm all "live and let live" about it, but OMG. My extremely elderly Catholic neighbor told me about the Book of Judas thing the other day, then said, "Well, we don't know what the documents contain yet, but they say it'll change everything." And I thought to myself, "You mean it'll change SPACE AND TIME? Come on, it's not like anything's really different. The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you; even that's the same." Of course, what I said was, "Uh huh..."
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:29 pm (UTC)
Oh, man that's rich. "It'll change everything."

Really, it'll only change the Center Square in Dante's Inferno, honestly. And I love your comment about "The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you."

And the Mormons, and the Baptists, and the Lutherans, and the...

I love the constantly evolving morality and righteousness of Christianity. It's astounding how far removed from The Beattitudes it's become.

Apr. 13th, 2006 11:56 am (UTC)
Heeeee! That was just fantastic.
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:26 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! YAY!! *shamble/dances*
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
That was soooo much fun.

I'm right now reading Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore. It's very funny and poignant. You might find it enjoyable as well.

Thanks so much for this. I'm so tempted to send my born-again brother a link to this -- but I really am not interested in starting WWIII. *snicker*
Apr. 13th, 2006 01:52 pm (UTC)
OH GOD I must have that book!!

I'm glad you laughed - this whole thing started on my jog yesterday when I was telling my husband that if his mother started in with her religion stuff on Sunday, that I would pull out "Happy Zombie!Jesus Day" and freak her out.
... - allegraconbrio - Apr. 13th, 2006 03:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 13th, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
hey hey hey hey....

is there something wrong with being one of those atheists????
Apr. 14th, 2006 05:43 am (UTC)
*whispers* Not at all. I'm really one of those kind, too.

Apr. 13th, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
I'm down with being a Christian and Jesus and Church and stuff but this made me laugh until my sides hurt. My roommate really loved it to. She even posted about it in her latest entry.
Apr. 14th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC)
It's the "and stuff" that shows how committed you are. *pokes you lovingly*

So glad you both got a laugh!

(Side tracked by GOB!! Oh, GOB, how I loved you...)
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 14th, 2006 05:45 am (UTC)
Two days I've been singing it. And I KNOW I'll be humming it and laughing when the MIL gets here and wonders if we went to church.
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:50 pm (UTC)

Holy (amen) crap. That was hilarious. I am going to hell and as I mentioned before, I have JUST the moisturizer for the dryness down there. Here's my favorite line:

To prove His life now is mud

You are EEVEEL. As in the Fruuwits of all eevil. Good one let me know how McSw responds. Like my code? I'm good like that. XS Tylenol releases the creator in me.

Apr. 14th, 2006 05:46 am (UTC)
I am not evil. I am He who the Lord Made In His Own Image. Or something.

He made Hitler, too, did you know? And cancer... and thorns... and pigeon shit. Yeah, yeah, and kittens.

Dude, I cannot decipher your code. DID YOU WASH THEM DOWN WITH WINE? Yehbutt, nobutt...
Apr. 13th, 2006 07:51 pm (UTC)
Ok. I just spit soda all over the screen and now my keyboard's going to be all sticky, not to mention that I'm low on Diet Dr. Pepper and I can't afford to waste a SINGLE DROP. But you know what? It was totally worth it! Awesome fucking song and I can't go back and read it because I may fall over. And some of us at my work MAY have added the zombie handbook to our Easter endcap just to see if anyone would notice... But HA! Thank you for the birthday wishes ~ have had an excellent day and I need to stop the caffeine before the moron jumps all over you guys. Or tries to make a sculpture out of Red Vines. God.
Apr. 14th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
YAYAYAYAY FOR LAUGHING!! I'm so glad you had a great day! Why don't you know by now to put drinks DOWN when there's a cut tag? Just to be safe, G, just to be safe.

Ahahaha!! I love it. You showed it to your employees? Bweeeee!

You should make a scultpure of Depp out of Red Vines. Or finish packing. Something. *SQUISH*
Apr. 14th, 2006 06:07 am (UTC)

I will NEVER EVER be able to talk about Easter with a straight face.
Apr. 14th, 2006 10:32 am (UTC)
HA! I have succeeded!

I mean... sorry! :D
Apr. 14th, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC)
God, that brilliant imagination of yours. I'm so glad you share it :)
Apr. 15th, 2006 07:18 am (UTC)
Heh - that's some high praise, ma'am. I'll work hard to live up to it. Thanks!
Apr. 15th, 2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
There just aren't enough Easter songs, and that one's the bestest one that could ever be. You should totally record it. And resurrect Vincent Price.

Also, Zombie!Jesus belongs to us all. He does not eat our brains, yea verily, but rather gives us all his brains to eat on crackers. Thereby infecting us all with zombieism, halleluia.
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( 80 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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