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A few ha has for a Monday morning

Survived the family yesterday, the day made spectacular by the arrival of my sister and her boyfriend - always hilarious. Chris (the bf) and I thoroughly freaked my mother-in-law out with our brand of humor. And for me? It was MILD. But then, she has never known that I'm funny - they're decent, good people, my in-laws, but they are joke killers. Which brings me to the point of this post. In preparation for an upcoming event, I'm going through a bunch of old stuff I've written, looking for a few things. Laughed a bit, and thought I'd make a master post of some of the funnier things I've put out here. (What? It's my journal. It's supposed to be self-masturbatory.) I've linked to the fics, too, if you feel compelled to go back and shake your head at the brokenness that is me.



From Gone Went My Mind, a Gone With The Wind/MPreg parody fic with Angel as Miss Scarlett O'Hara and Gunn as Ashley Wilkes, after Spikanie gives birth:
"Somebody ‘bout tuh lose a perfectly good mulatto vampire ass baby roun' here!"

From The Sound of Sucking, a Sound of Music parody with Spike as Frauline Maria and Xander as Leisl: (this one is so blatantly ridiculous...)

Later that night, rocks tapping at a window draws Xandl into the night air. Waiting for her is her courier-lover, Faith, with a "message" for her/him. They escape to the conveniently romantic gazebo where they begin to circle each other in a COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS and miraculously harmonized song of their feelings for each other.

(Faith sings:)
Bitch, I don't sing.


~*~

From Lubed! The Musical a Grease! parody with Angel as Danny Zuko and Spike as the sweet, dulcet-voiced Sandy:

Look at me, I'm Spike that's Wee!
Lousy with my Cold, Dead Seed™!
I may be dead, but not as much as Fred! Hey, look! I'm Spike that's Wee!


~*~

From the under appreciated and horribly politically incorrect "Princess Ninety-Nine Wampum" series with Buffy/Angel/Spike as Native American Indians:

Princess Ninety-Nine Wampum is tricky like Fox. She flip him over and ride him like he is his own horse, Angel Wind. He know this is name a squaw would give for horse, but Moon Hair like pretty words. He hide this from other warriors.

~*~

Oh, hey. A Spander version of this tale. With Angel, too. "The Tale of Moon Hair and Beaver"

Moon Hair was confused by Beaver. He said many words that Moon Hair did not understand. Moon Hair liked that. Moon Hair was a lover of words. He wrote many songs that he sung in his wigwam about Stone Head and what Warriors did with each other when no one was looking.

~*~

And my personal favorite, Connie: The Musical based on Annie:The Musical and the very sad documentary about prostitution in Calcutta. Hahahaha! Uh... ha? Upon the arrival of the newest Vampire Orphan Prostitute, Connie, that Harmony has aquired for Angel Morecocks, Gunn (playing the role of Punjab) has this to say to Gavin, playing the role of "Driver":

Gunn: Country full of brown kids needing help, needing food, why am I surprised that Dracula and Barbie pick a good-looking white kid to raise up from the ghetto? And why I gotta be the muscle in the background all the damn time?

Gavin: (approaching from the limo) At least you get to have a love interest at times. I guess the one thing I can be grateful for is that I'm a driver and security, instead of a friggin' dry cleaner. Alright. (Puts driving cap back on) Back to being Kato. Until I get my revenge.... (Looks off into the distance as a woman wails in the background and reed instruments play him off.)


~*~

Why don't more of you love The Godfather? Woe. (fixed all the chpt links, btw) Here's something from the Godfather: Jossed! version, with Wesley in the role of Michael Corleone:

Gunn: What'd he say?

Spike: Badda-beep badda-boop badda-beep badda-boop shabba-shee shabba-shoo ba dum bum titty titty kitty mat pitty pitty fitty gat shabba shabba scoobie doobie boo boo pa doo. He wants to meet Wesley.

(Stunned silence)

Wesley: Did... Did you just... "scat?"

Spike: What? Couldn't go on listening to punk music for the rest of my un-life. Someone suggested acid-jazz and I like it. Anyway, he wants to proposition Wesley -


Also: Andrew: I'm not gay, but my asshole is. (This is the "baptism" sequence in the movie turned into an MPreg sequence. Jesus H, I'm all shades of wrong.)

~*~

From the bionic chapter of Wee!Spike with Riley and Angel lending support:

Angel gasped, which again was strange because, hello! Vampire! You don't breathe, ding-dong! But Riley, stalwart and true Riley, who hid all of his lust for the dark, grumpy, fuss-pot of a Vamp behind seething rage and hatred, just gave his hand a squeeze, then brought it to his Iowan lips for a chaste, but meaningful kiss.

Angel said with remorse, regret, and repression, "I still hate you, fucker."

Riley chuckled, and broke apart their hands to make finger-quotes while he stated, "Yeah, I 'hate you' too."


~*~

I love The Mayor. Did you know? Here's the Silence of the Lambs parody, Silence of the Hams. Yeah, that took me HOURS to come up with. Buffy is Clarice, for the record.

The Mayor: No, you are going to take a deep breath, turn that frown upside down, and then tell me something this time. You wanted your father’s attention. He was focused on “Wheel of Fortune” and sent you away brokenhearted. What did you do?

Buffy: I just ran to my room.

The Mayor: No, not “just,” Buffy. Was it a long hallway? Were there family pictures on the wall?

Buffy: Yes, but-

The Mayor: Were they those “conscious” photo sessions? You know, where you’re looking right into the camera, but in the corner they have superimposed a second shot of you looking off in the distance? Did you have a cute little over-bite? Tell me.

Buffy: (slipping back into the memory, pain etched into every inch of her face) Yes... there were pictures. My parents had me in awful parachute pants and a top with the collar turned up. My hair was... feathered.



~*~

No, seriously. I love The Mayor. Here's a Mayor/Snyder Mpreg. TRUST ME!!!

When Richard thought of puerile and ineffectual, only one man came to mind: Principal Clarence Eugene Snyder. Some part of him, the part that still loves a parade, the sight of Old Glory flapping in the breeze, and fresh-squeezed lemonade, appreciates that the thing growing in him is a feeble, small cretin. It makes things simple. And a man that has had a subscription to Reader's Digest for going on 74 years is a man that appreciates simplicity.


~*~

What if the 5 most broken characters in Jossverse (minus Firefly) sat in a therapy session together? Let Go And Let Joss

"Illyria. That was a very good observation. But last week we talked about using our 'feeling' words. Using words to attack each other is only going to hurt you in the end. All of that anger will build up inside of you-"

"When I ruled this world I would have fed you to my lower beings."

"Okay, I hear you're angry. Let's go with that."


~*~

Dear god. I wrote Yoda/Chewbacca. Drabble. What is WRONG with me??

~*~

Another weird little ficlet: Star Wars/Geek Trio + Spike and below that, Giles, Xander. But not like that. Like this:

"These have to be the lamest demons ever. Isn't there a handbook or something? Aren't they supposed to adhere to some type of code? How can a demon instill fear when he's driving a Dodge Stratus? Although, it is a comfy ride. Good shocks. And they have bucket seats built for a man's ass-"

"Do you mind? I'm trying to catch these bastards and you're detailing the creature comforts of Detroit Steel."

"Heh. Creature comforts. Do you think that's where that came from?"



~*~

M*A*S*H meets AtS. Or... in a roundabout way. (And I don't do crossovers!) Suicide Is Painless Letters from Charles Emerson Winchester, III to his "younger brother," Connor.

The soul wants to fly, Connor. Do not neglect your Woodsworth. Your Keats. Your philosophy. These are the paths for which your mind should travel, my boy. I've been told you've given up the clarinet? Pity. And while I understand the joy that a fine stroll can provide, playing sports with the boys from town? I only hope that our sister was joking.

I am trapped in a God forsaken pesthole with the results of such activities, and let me assure you that while they may be doctors in degree, they are simians in life.

Do try and aim higher?



~*~

Coupling is a fantastic show. Jeff is my favorite. He rambles. I identify. :D

In the bottom of the box was it. The Golden Calf of pornography. The Holy Grail of masturbation. Religious imagery and tits made him nervous, because he didn't like to think about the Virgin Mary having tits, which of course was the first thing he thought about. That's like someone saying, "Don't think about your penis and count to ten." Well, then he couldn't even count to ten, because all he could think about was his penis, and how it was stiffening, and if his mother would only NOT use the sexy Virgin Mary candles when they prayed, and did they have to draw such a low-cut dress on the Mother of our Lord and that was when his mother would pull out the paddle, and he would get very, very confused.


~*~

No, really. I can seriously I identify with Jeff. Breasts, Wardrobes, and Best Mates

If he was going to move to Naked Island, he'd definitely want Steve there, too. Not Patrick. Nothing against Patrick, mind, just... he didn't need that sort of competition. Anyone with a nickname of "Donkey" was definitely not going to be your WingMan on Naked Island. Not that Steve was inadequate, either. On the contrary, Steve was quite manly. But not so large that he could lean forward and give his legs a rest.


~*~

But I think I may love my Geek Trio best of all. And throw in some Scots, the Mexican Desert...

Andrew flashed to an alabaster body doing chin ups. He took a big swallow of his drink and almost passed out from the burning. He tried to speak, but his voice wouldn't work properly after the large slug of alcohol. Obviously the scotch sold in Scotland was way stronger than what was sold in America. Which was why it burned so much. Not because Andrew had never had it before. Because he had. At a cousin's wedding, but not the cousin that Jonathan knew, a different cousin. Who lived in Canada.


~*~

And for the four of you on my regular flist that took the time to read my Pirate/Swashbuckling tale... Muchas gracias. You Had a Charming Air, All Cheap And Debonair Jack Sparrow turning the tables on Commodore James Norrington:

“Ah, but I don’t think that’ll happen. If you could take your eyes off my beautiful face for a moment, love, you’d see that you are surrounded.”

James and the crew shouted and reached for their guns, but they were out manned and out gunned.

“Funny that you had just asked only yesterday about my lack of ship and men. There’s a word for that...”

“Irony.”

“No, that doesn’t sound right.”

“It’s irony, you bastard, now what do you want?”


~*~

I've probably missed something, but I'm feeling more than a little gratuitous, and I haven't even TOUCHED on the greatest exchanges over in the RPG with Will and Jack. "Kaka, hold my hand." "Metaphorically?" "Literally." Most. Favorite. Exchange. Ever.
Periods. Are. Fun.

...and I'm totally procrastinating from writing this bad/wrong/dark porn fic.

Comments

( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
floweringjudas
Apr. 17th, 2006 08:07 am (UTC)
Heeeeeee.

Moon Hair.

(My favourite Will moment is still him getting locked in a trunk in London and the cameo by Japanese tourists, all while he was on the phone to Ben Affleck.)
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
Ahahaha!! Oh, MAN, I loved that. Ben is SO FUN to play with. *misses him*

Er.. had a HILARIOUS time playing with Hugh and Colin this weekend. Poor little closeted Tom.

Of course, all of the Hugh/Colin threads IMO are GOLD.
floweringjudas
Apr. 17th, 2006 08:42 am (UTC)
Yeah, me too, man. Le sigh. (Heh, he was fun to call a girl when I was Evil!NoSoul!Matt.)

OH GOD. I cannot tell you how many times I DIED at Colin and Tom.

*snort* Hugh/Colin are so inherently ridiculous and slapfighty. The stuff writes itself. Also any exchange between Will and Jack on the phone is automatically hilarious. OH OH and Will's Big Chief Tablet posts. And. And. *waxes nostalgic*


*cough* so uh. would an application for a freewheelin' hat-wearin' Johnny Depp character (and most likely one following for a none-too-bright Orlando Bloom character who annoys the everliving shit out of him) run amiss, at A-List, d'you think? *tests waters*
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 09:07 am (UTC)
OH GOD YES YES YES YES.

Was I clear? :DDD
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 09:20 am (UTC)
Hee, yay! (c'est moi, ignore the account, am trying to find icons for it now.)
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:25 am (UTC)
WHOA.

O.O
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:33 am (UTC)
huh oh. *deer-in-the-headlights look*
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:38 am (UTC)
*Hatred-of-a-thousand-suns look*
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:44 am (UTC)
*wonders why a thousand suns would be full of hatred*

*gives you a Winning Smile*

Hey, s'the good Commodore. How you been?
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:50 am (UTC)
I thought you would be extinct by now.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:57 am (UTC)
*stretches* Yep, well, you wouldn't be the first.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 12:03 pm (UTC)
Shocking, that.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 12:08 pm (UTC)
Well, I do aim to please.

*considers* Except for when it involves extinction. M'afraid I can't help you there.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 12:11 pm (UTC)
Nonsense.

You are The Holy One.

You can accomplish anything you put your mind to.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 12:57 pm (UTC)
You really encouraging someone you call holy to off themselves, Jacko? Really?

Nah, I didn't think you were, either.


So I hear you're thinking about the stage.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 03:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, alright. I'll switch back to calling you a monkey, then.

..and what about the stage.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 03:58 pm (UTC)
I could call you Kitten again.

...It's...stage-like? Possibly proscenium? Wings, props, backdrops, pulleys, levers?
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:04 pm (UTC)
No, there is no stage. It's performed out in the open. Surrounded by trees. Everyone is barefoot, naturally. We want to feel more connected to Mother Nature.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:11 pm (UTC)
You know what I noticed about this answer, other than its wonderfully characteristic levels of Terse?

You didn't squawk about the "Kitten," Kitten.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:16 pm (UTC)
*fumes* I was responding to one idiot remark at a time.

So if you'll allow me:

Don't call me kitten.

Monkey.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC)
Did you know that monkeys have prehensile tails?


Something to bear in mind.


Kitten.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:26 pm (UTC)
And why is that? Is there some secret skill I'm not aware of?
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:28 pm (UTC)
Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
No, it would be just plain nonsensical ramble - as opposed to secret nonsensical ramble.

Exposed.

Abandoned.

Like a used tissue.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC)
Exactly.

Glad we've come to this understanding, Jackie.
tropnevad
Apr. 17th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
We will arrive at an understanding... when one of us dies. Preferably by the hand of the other.
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
Think it might be time to switch to decaf, there, son.
_willferrell
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:41 am (UTC)
NO! No no no!!

*encourages and pets and soothes and pokes you to your email for a submission*
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:46 am (UTC)
*trying to write ENTRIES. entries of FUNNY. for to be ACCEPTED*

*also writing email, yeah*
wwjd_do
Apr. 17th, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC)
*sent email!*
thepiratequeen
Apr. 18th, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
*holds special place in her heart for Evil!NoSoul!Matt*

*loves on you all*

It's Gwyn&Katie's mun if you haven't figured that out yet.
floweringjudas
Apr. 18th, 2006 09:04 pm (UTC)
*still fuckin' proud of marooning him in Krgyzstan*

HA!

(hi!)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 09:09 am (UTC)
Heee!!

*sends you monthly check*

Dude, I am such a self-congratulatory whore. Yay, me! Had a GREAT weekend. Have many bearded irises blooming with my yellow rose and bluebonnets and my digital camera DOES NOT WORK. But I thought of you with the irises!!
melbournegirl
Apr. 17th, 2006 08:21 am (UTC)
Godfather: Jossed! was awesome probably my favourite over all. Especially the ass-baby and English=Gay. Ooh and Frodo.

I did love Faith in 'The sound of sucking' and Cordelia and Wesley in 'Silence of the hams'. The Mayor was awesome in that.
melbournegirl
Apr. 17th, 2006 08:27 am (UTC)
Oh, and Drusilla in anything. 'Putting a chicken in a box'
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 09:10 am (UTC)
Ha! You rock. *sends you a check*

English =gay is never NOT gonna be funny. And Drusilla makes me so very happy. Even though she scares the ever loving shit out of me. :D
brutti_ma_buoni
Apr. 17th, 2006 10:04 am (UTC)
Because I haven't been around long and yet my sensitive people skills have detected that you REALLY like the feedback. A very quick run-down of things I hadn't read before your pimp post (and which aren't crossovers to things so off my radar I can't meaningfully comment):

Therapy session: Loved this. As this worm says, 'Sharing is Caring. Though I fear for the world in which those five people share a room. Particularly Bad Willow/Dru/Illyria. The hair issues alone could destroy the earth.

Evil trio: I forgot how much I love Andrew, twisted little Dalton-lover that he is. Thank you for the reminder. Specially loved the disturbing birds and bees talk: Like feather boash and hand-cuffsh. It'sh what Mother Nature intended Such a relief... And Ewan MacGregor is always good news. You may cross him over into anything you fancy with my blessing. Although, kilts, shortbread, caber-tossing, okay, but Sean Connery in Scotland? NEVER gonna happen.

Mayor/Snyder mpreg. NoooooOOOOOooo. oooOOooo. oo. That is all.
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 10:07 am (UTC)
"my sensitive people skills have detected that you REALLY like the feedback"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No! Not me! I hate knowing if I made people laugh. HATE IT. :DDDD

And I will say that I've made believers out of my ability to make a CANON MPREG. Yeah, I said it. (and dude, if I don't pimp myself, WHO WILL?)

I always loved the idea of Evil!Willow/Illyria fic. Could be a lot of fun...
cherusha
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:30 am (UTC)
_willferrell
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:40 am (UTC)
HEEEEEEE!
cherusha
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:42 am (UTC)
crayonbreakygal
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:57 am (UTC)
Connie or Jossed. Jossed or Connie. I just can't choose. Don't make me. Spike scatting? hehehahaha
stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! I had completely forgotten about that, was reading through it to link up all the chapters properly and found that.

I'm such a dork. :) (thanks, toots!)
ex_dovil323
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:15 pm (UTC)
Good times, good, good times! The thing that gets me though is not only do you bring the hysterically funny but you can also be so very clever about it. You totally have brains, and if I was a zombie I would so savour them and grow up to be a super strong smart zombie with all the extra protein and other nummy goodness!

So this is me basically saying a big, big thank you. You've made me laugh, you've made me hurl (no, no that was you), you've put a great big smile on my face. Thank you!

Now have a herpe icon.

stoney321
Apr. 17th, 2006 04:20 pm (UTC)
Hooray for adorable STDs! Just like real life.

I can't wait to see you again and make you throw up. That way, life is fair and good. (Oh, man. You inspired Wee!Spike, lovey. Because of your incredibly small penis, but still. It's all you.)

Oh! I forgot to link to the birthday fics I wrote for you two years ago! With Angel and Spike as an old Jewish couple in Florida! hahahaha!!
( 46 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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