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Tension breaker: had to be done.

Short, but OH MAN.

Not to say that I write fantastic sex scenes. BUT. I know that none of the following is sexy. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, but sex scenes are supposed to be - what's the word? *snaps, snaps* SEXY.


  • being fornicated Even the Amish will say "fuck" if the mood is right and it's Rumspringa

  • fingering his nipples I don't think it works that way, unless you have gauze to pack the holes to slow the bleeding (And this wasn't a Wolverine fic. Which would make sense.)

  • "Do you taste like chocolate and mint down in your pussy?" Okay, I love Thin Mints, I'm not gonna lie to you, but I don't "love" them. If you see where I'm going here.


In that same fic above, a Hermione/Draco/Blaise threeway, for the record, brought about by Hermione baking brownies and Draco and Blaise deciding it was time to bone Hermione - the way to a man's heart and all that, I suppose - Draco times his orgasm so the brownies don't burn. DUDE. He's better than an egg timer! Impressive for a TEENAGER.

  • her breasts were juggling And for my next trick! I'll blow a candle out with my poon while tap dancing to Swan Lake! Maestro? Music, please!

  • "...make love to me," she said and my brain and mind went all excited. Brain and mind? Um, I think you left out the part that's needed for sex.

  • My bed was smell of pure sex. [...] We left the bed as it, smelt. I did not alter the text there one bit. WOW. And I really don't need a lot of odor with my sex. Just me?

  • ...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat. If I'm thinking of carving up a turkey at Thanksgiving, you've painted the wrong picture. Stuffed? Spearing? SLURPING? Also, I need many, many showers now.

  • ...while [he] slurped and drooled over the girl's throbbing pubescent breast bud There are ninety-seven things wrong with this. 97. YOU HEARD ME. (Also, I've said it once, I'll say it again: WE DO NOT FUCK THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED, PEOPLE. Drooled??)

  • the bumps on her shaven mons rippled under his tongue Things I don't need to get off: manuals.

  • man juice CALL MY bad!fic girl! She's been plagiarized! She-juice? HELLO.

  • TIT BUDS Let's call them buds, nipples... Okay, this could just be me. I dun lyk tit bud.



And last: in reference to Arthur Weasley's enormous schlong (I'm not even going to tell you what he was going to DO with it, because I would like to keep my breakfast down, thanks) : The Weasley Whopper.

For those that enjoy precision when you write about penis length, because IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE THAT DOWN TO THE QUARTER INCH, there's now a handy conversion chart if all you have is shoes size to work with.

*pounds fist into hand* Ve must be PRECISE! Und now I vill go und finish ze feek I am verkink on.

[ETA] because I've been wondering about this for a while. When am I going to read "dugs" in a fic re: bewbies?

Comments

( 106 comments — Leave a comment )
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beadattitude
May. 18th, 2006 07:05 am (UTC)
Burger King has a tie in with the movie now - and probably will offer a special meal!

Tit bud? Aren't those small song buds? Why is he licking them?????
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 07:10 am (UTC)
Ahahahaha!! The titmouse and titbud flittered about the maples, the dappled light bringing out the..

I can't even finish that without making even less sense. Bwah!
allegraconbrio
May. 18th, 2006 07:06 am (UTC)
...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat.

*cries* Why, oh why? eep.

The Weasley Whopper is funny, though. :D
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 07:12 am (UTC)
Gushing and slurping and... Man, you need a MOP having having sex with these folks!

(The Weasley fic pushed me beyond what I can take, though. Mr. Weasley's claping his hands together, pursing his lips, and saying, "Right-o. Who's first to take my enormous cock?") Ahahaha!! Trust me when I say I'm making it funny. It is NOT a funny fic.
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fishsanwitt
May. 18th, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
OMG - you made me *laugh*. Thank you :)
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 07:12 am (UTC)
I aim to please! Ha, you're welcome!
yin_again
May. 18th, 2006 07:15 am (UTC)
I choked on my banana. No, an actual banana. Perv.
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 07:16 am (UTC)
It's okay. I can imagine all sorts of wrong things with a real banana. WHAT?
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elisi
May. 18th, 2006 07:20 am (UTC)
Very, very good! But - published gay erotica just about beats it!
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
Heh. You say that because YOU haven't gone to my memories and read the 12 other bad!fic posts, have you? Heheheheheh.

SNAPPING ALIGATOR PUSSY. I will never, NEVER find anything more glorious than that and cream of cum. Hee hee!!!!

Thanks for the link! Bwah!
... - elisi - May. 18th, 2006 10:30 am (UTC) - Expand
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cherusha
May. 18th, 2006 07:26 am (UTC)
I luv you, HP fandom!
- nipples that "throb"
- that throbbing nipples are somehow normal and not at all a sign of radiation
- the word "breast bud"
- pubescent??
- using words normally associated with your pet Tonto
- calling into mind what happens when your six-year-old cousin gets ahold of a chocolate fudge sundae
- the obvious implication that Draco (?) has been slurping milk out of a lactating Hermione
- the fact that the breast milk is mouthwateringly delicious to Draco
- the fact that Draco has sex with Hermione
- the fact that Draco has sex with a girl
- the thought that Hermione's breast bud is one season away from blooming into a beautiful breast flower
- pubescent??
- Novocaine is NOT a laughing matter
- the natural conclusion that Hermione's dentist parents are somehow involved in all of this


...and 83 more to go.


So this was written by a pimply, horny teenaged boy, right? There's not enough purply prose otherwise.
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
Re: I luv you, HP fandom!
Ahahahaha!!! (Some of this was FINAL FANTASY fic. Bwah! Oh, internets, you never fail to amuse me.)

Everyone of your reasons made me laugh out loud, and I'm losing precious oxygen. (whoa. The Hr parents implication has me SHAKING MY HEAD.)
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julia_here
May. 18th, 2006 07:32 am (UTC)
I've read at least two TS fics lately where I've had to skip the porn because it seemed entirely unrelated to the plot and absolutely generic, but seeing how bad things can get, I guess I should be glad for small favors.

Julia, having Done Things yesterday does not free me from the need to Doo Things today. Dammit.
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:41 am (UTC)
Oh, the bad pr0n. It's so pervasive.

I've been alllll about the gen fic lately. As far as new stuff goes. (I have plenty of excellent porn fics memoried safely away to cleanse the palate.)
... - julia_here - May. 18th, 2006 09:31 am (UTC) - Expand
bitchygrrl
May. 18th, 2006 07:36 am (UTC)
Oh for the love of porn why? why? *said in the Nancy Kerrigan whine* WHY?
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:42 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha!!!

*slides knee-pipe into sleeve, skates away*
... - bitchygrrl - May. 18th, 2006 02:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
drusplace
May. 18th, 2006 07:42 am (UTC)
I'm really not sure if I should laugh or cry after reading this.

Especially this part: ...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat.

*runs away covering her eyes*
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:42 am (UTC)
DUDE. This is TAME. (If you need further laughing, feel free to check out the category in my memories: bad(grat!)fic.

Good for what ails you. :D
... - drusplace - May. 18th, 2006 09:13 am (UTC) - Expand
rydra_wong
May. 18th, 2006 07:44 am (UTC)
fingering his nipples I don't think it works that way, unless you have gauze to pack the holes to slow the bleeding (And this wasn't a Wolverine fic. Which would make sense.)

To be fair, the verb "to finger" can mean "to touch with the fingers", not necessarily "to penetrate with the fingers" ...
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:44 am (UTC)
...

We're having some FUN HERE, PEOPLE!! Come on! I at least get points for the Wolverine mention!
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
Oh, Anne, I'm not even going to tell you the plot line. OH DEAR GOD.

Weasley Whopper.
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moosesal
May. 18th, 2006 08:03 am (UTC)
Oh man, you're killing me. Too much. I just can't even imagine how you stuck with it.

There are tears on my cheeks.
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
*girds up loins* I stick with it to bring to you the goodness, that's how.

*down Gatorade* Okay. Going back in. *limbers up*
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omgorli4jd4eva
May. 18th, 2006 08:19 am (UTC)
*too lazy to log out*

How can her twat gush honey if it's cock-stuffed? And if it's cock-stuffed, why is there slurping????? :(:(:(:(:(


*meta*
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
I DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!

Oh, there was a LITERAL HONEY POT in that fic. Hence all the honey. *cracks up again* I like when allusions become REALITY.

I'm still waiting for all the "mouth" references for a vagina to result in the vagina talking back, or better yet: singing.
tinpanalley
May. 18th, 2006 08:20 am (UTC)

Oh, I've been waiting for another one of these posts! I adore them so! And, these samples were just as squicky and wrong and just EWWW! as I was expecting!
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
MAN. I love it. I love the bad imagery, the smells, GOD the smells!!!

*shugs*
thepiratequeen
May. 18th, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
You've given me my new diet plan.

Anytime I feel the urge to eat I will look at this post.
stoney321
May. 18th, 2006 08:48 am (UTC)
Damn straight. It's worked for me! (Glah! This is what turns people off het sex in fic!!)

*cream of cums*
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( 106 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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