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Once More, With Irony

It's because the Mormons came to my door this morning. I always rebel when they find me...

BAD!FIC!!

From an HP fic (Sirius/Remus) I learned that they:

  • both smoke Parliaments (can you even GET those in Hogsmeade? Honestly, I see Sirius as a Marlboro Reds guy, and Remus as a Dunhill Blacks.)

  • Sirius "burned a round whole in the bedspread"

  • after yelling at Sirius for an entire paragraph, all caps and underlined in case you didn't get that he was yelling, Remus paused and "mused that Sirius' head deserves a crown." Kids these days with their nonsense.

  • and the most honest line from a first time slash writer EVER, Remus to Sirus: "I'm not going to lie. I have no clue how the hell this is going to feel."


And a stand alone moment: The passion he stored inside him burst out like a born again Christian. 'Praise the lord,' he thought."

Honestly, I'm disappointed that I haven't read about ejaculate bursting forth like those aliens from the movie with the same name. Hello my baby, hello my honey... hello my ragtime gaaaaaaal! (Twenty points to the person who gets that reference. Spaceballs has a scene parodying Alien and Michigan J. Frog. The answer is Spaceballs.)

And from my favorite gal, she of the cream of cum and snapping, pissed off alligator vah-jay jays, who has men go on a tour of the District of Vagina... (warning! May make you grossed out!)

  • "[her panties] stuck to her pussy like a new skin" I'm thinking of the pain of ripping off a band-aid, and that isn't a turn on. Also, GAH.

  • "He pushed Buffy's softness back until they resembled butterfly wings ins three shades of pinks" Okay, if you can be THAT GRAPHIC with labia, you should friggin' CALL IT labia and not softness. Her softness? Also: EWWWWWwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWuh! Can we be less clinical? I don't mind details, I just don't need the camera jammed in there so close that I can count pores.

  • "Spike infested her" I like thinking of sex as a type of viral disease. Flu = sexy (Just ask Monica and Chandler.) For the record, E. Coli gets me hot. Like, liquefied guts hot.

  • "His thrust was sharp and immediate just like his orgasm" Because a one-pump chump is what we're all looking for. Well, maybe if something really good is coming on TV, then that's a bonus.



Last, but not least, and this came from an outside source (meaning, I didn't find it): (and the writer is OBVIOUSLY a homophoneaphobic)

I am so hot for you," said Mugen.
"I want to put my think in your butts," said Jin.
"Idon't know about that," said Mugen. You're thing is so big and heavy and meaty. You might make me bust and O-ring and then I might pooh myself at some point in the future." Still, he was really hot and liked thinking of what it would be like to have Jin wriggling like a hot fish inside his secret place.
"I will be gentle," said Jin. "Like a cow treading daintily over newfallen snow."


Strange and unsexy metaphors? Check. Misspells that give a whole new meaning to the sentence written? Check. Ne'er-do-care attitude to punctuation? Check. Gratuitous wanna-be sex scene sprinkled with grade-school terminology? Check. Odd un-sexy similes? Check.

If you have to be told that describing gentle sex as a COW doing ANYTHING isn't ideal, you should probably write something else for a while. Or if you REALLY THINK a penis acts like a hot fish in a secret place, maybe write friendship fic until you get a little more knowledge under your belt. Or you know... stop using babelfish to translate your fic.

WOW. And to all y'all h8ters out there... I want to put my think in your butts. WILL SOMEONE ICON THAT FOR ME?!?!? *falls down laughing*

[eta] *whistles* Yo! a_list_celebs peeps! When you get a moment, log on to your journals and check out the tree fort, 'kay? Miss you guys!

Comments

( 92 comments — Leave a comment )
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wolfshark
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
*dies*

No, you may not put your think anywhere near my butts!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
I WILL GET MY THOUGHTS IN YOUR ASS ONE OF THESE DAYS!!!
... - wolfshark - Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
southernbangel
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:31 pm (UTC)
Dude, Michigan J. Frog, right? Wasn't there a cartoon involving the frog that would sing but only when his owner wasn't looking? Something like that?

"I'm not going to lie. I have no clue how the hell this is going to feel."

BWAHAHAHAHAH!!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
Heee! Yes, Michigan J. Frog sang that, but the combo of the song with an alien bursting forth... I award you ten points.

Man, I laughed out loud at that line. Yes. And your honesty is charming. Praise the lord.
psychoadept
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
*cries with laughter*
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
If you hit the tag up there, you'll see the other fourteen or so posts with more badness of greatness. :)
thepiratequeen
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I'm disappointed that I haven't read about ejaculate bursting forth like those aliens from the movie with the same name. Hello my baby, hello my honey... hello my ragtime gaaaaaaal! (Twenty points to the person who gets that reference.)

Spaceballs. *pets her shiny new points*
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
DING DING DING!!! Yes, ma'am!

<33333333
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globalfruitbat
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
I want to put MY think in YOUR butts!!!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
All four of my butts?!??

*hugs and smushes and squishes, too*

HI HI HI!!! Are you happy in your new place, yes?!
... - globalfruitbat - Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:41 pm (UTC)
Before I even get started good, I need to tell you that I used to think that "There is a Balm in Gilead." Was "There is Bomb, in Gilead, to make the wounded a hole." You know, to hide in, from the other bombs.

So. Right. Gonna go read teh funney.
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahaha!!! That is AWESOME!!!

I used to think the lyrics to "Dirty Deeds" by AC/DC was "Dirty Dee's! Thunderchief!"
... - beadattitude - Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
killerweasel
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

*marks you down for a gazillion points*
... - wolfshark - Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
Oh, and Warner' Bros "One Froggy Evening," sung by Michigan J. Frog.

:D

::needs nerd icon::
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, Susi. Only half points. Yes, Michigan J. Frog sang that, but check thepiratequeen's comment above.

*hands you the Bronze*
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julia_here
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
The better you know cows, the funnier that is.

Also, I never ever in my whole life replaced thing with think nor an with and until I started to read fic, and I've found myself doing both in the same freaking paragraph the other day. Who do I sue?

Julia, it's a disease, I tell you
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
Absolutely. Cows + daintly treading = comic GOLD.

And ditto on the homophones/misspells! It *is* a sickness. You must have let Spike infect you...
... - hellziggy - Aug. 3rd, 2006 12:15 am (UTC) - Expand
aimeelicious
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
I want to put my think in your butts

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
/dies laughing
/thunk

ps--while dead it occurs to me that your reference is from Spaceballs, one of my fave movies EVAH. I need a Spaceballs icon.

/revives
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
YES, SPACEBALLS!! *tallys score*

My think in your butts. It's the idea of multiple butts that has me laughing the hardest...
dancetomato
Aug. 2nd, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC)
I so got that it was Spaceballs. I lurve John Hurt.

My brain iz ded and I have no more think, so you may put your think anywhere in my you like.
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC)
you knew that because you are AWESOME.

*puts think in your infected butterfly*
essene
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
OMG. SO GLAD I FRIENDED YOU. *muses that your head deserves a crown*

"I will be gentle," said Jin. "Like a cow treading daintily over newfallen snow."


BWAH! Best line eva!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:07 pm (UTC)
What's awesome is how you applied you're knew nowledge to you're reply.

*is gentle with you ALL KNIGHT LONG*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:20 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha!! SNAKE HANDLING! Oh, that's friggin' BRILLIANT! Hallelujah, and pass the collection plate!
... - timeofchange - Aug. 5th, 2006 12:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
sdwolfpup
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
What kind of an asshole uses 1-2-3-4-5 as his luggage combination?!

Remus to Sirus: "I'm not going to lie. I have no clue how the hell this is going to feel."

That made me weep, I laughed so hard. Encore!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! Isn't that fantastic? The honesty is what makes it so beautiful. Long live fanfiction.net.

There were also about four paragraphs dedicated to them smoking. You know, just like JKR wrote them. :)
tinpanalley
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)

*mind explodes* I never get tired of these!

Yeah, I agree...nothing gets me upside down and half way to happy town like a bacterial virus! I often have to bite my lip to keep from calling out, "Infect me!" *bursts into giggles*

But, the last one...with the cow reference? Yeah, I think that one might have made me violently ill! But, then the Cream of Cum princess might find vomit oddly sexy too! I mean, hey...she thinks that diseases are sexy!
stoney321
Aug. 2nd, 2006 06:22 pm (UTC)
And bullfrogs, and math, and alligators, and contrails of semen... YEP. ALL HOT.

Oh, man, life is good, you know?
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( 92 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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