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OH EM GEE!!!!!

Okay, so I open the entertainment section of my local paper and find a picture of my NEIGHBORS, who will be on SHOWTIME next week. Why you ask?

BECAUSE SHE FAKES HER ORGASMS AND HE DOESN'T SATISFY HER, and it's a sexual therapy program and DEAR LORD why do I not get SHOWTIME???

Ahahahahahaha!!! And OH. MY. GOD.

Background: they're young, wealthy, he bought her boobs for like... a first anniversary present. And I'm not joking. She gets SHIT-FACED all the time (we have lots of social gatherings here on weekends - dinner parties, and the like - think Connecticut in the 70s sans wife-swapping and tweed jackets) and hangs on him (and others) like a cheap suit, he fondles her boobs and says how hot she is. NICE. Nice and classy.

Here's the newspaper blurb: " ____ and ____ are Christians who had premarital sex, then went back to abstaining. Now she fakes enjoyment. "That's the wrong thing to do, I've learned," (she) says in the August 11th episode. She confesses being turned off that he doesn't want to make a production about this."

I would like to remind everyone that while I am not vanilla, Republican, Christian, or repressed in the slightest, the VAST majority of suburban housewives here ARE. So this is slaying me. YOU DON'T ADMIT PUBLICLY THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T GET YOU OFF. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Where I can find the episode on torrents and burn it onto disc and possibly invite the other neighbor ladies over to watch. While we drink margaritas. DOOOOOOOD!!!

Comments

( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
crevette
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:17 am (UTC)
Why do we not live closer?

Just think of the Pampered Chef parties we could hold--selling stoneware to this kind of thing????
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:31 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA!!! She has parties all the time for that candle company, and for Mary Kay. I now know to decline party invites from her.

DUDE. Their picture is in the PAPER. With her quoted as saying her husband can't get her off. OUCH.

(And I TOTALLY want to do your big walk-a-thon with you!)
southernbangel
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:23 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is AWESOME. What is the show? I get Showtime and I want to watch your neighbors admit their sad sex life!!!

(Guess what my reward is for working hard all weekend and packing? TALLADEGA NIGHTS, baybee!!!!)
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:32 am (UTC)
Sexual Healing. HEEEEEE!!! I called my best friend (who was getting ready to sing "Happy Birthday" to her 90 year old grandmother) and told her about them (they live next door to my friend) and she was HOWLING with laughter.

(YAYNESS!!! We're not going until tomorrow, and then: Shake-n-Bake, baby! I'm gonna be at you like a spider monkey!)
(Screened comment)
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:34 am (UTC)
IS THIS INSANE OR WHAT?!?!?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, how I'd love to bring Luvsbitch and her pets to one of their parties (because you KNOW they're going to see this as BRAGGING RIGHTS somehow that they're sexually aware, or something) and show them what REAL sexually aware people look like. :)

I WILL TOTALLY MAKE IT AVAILABLE, you kidding me????!?
entrenous88
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:35 am (UTC)
Oh my god. That is so *awful* and so AWESOME at the same time! My goodness. Just airing their business for everyone to see! *clucks disapprovingly*
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:39 am (UTC)
This doesn't quite top my former coworker (a redneck version of Dwight from The Office) talking about his stint on Jerry Springer, but it's close.

What I'm looking forward to is when Mr. S and the husband go play golf and my husband gives him shit for being a lousy lay, and now people in Rhode Island know about it. Because that's how we roll.

AHAHAHA!! (If she wasn't a drunken spazz and SHOPLIFTER, I probably wouldn't say anything. OH EM GEE, JESS.)
floweringjudas
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:38 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OH GOD. THAT IS SO GREAT.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:39 am (UTC)
I LOVE HOW THEY'RE CHRISTIANS. And she shoplifts for recreation. And gets boobs for Jesus.

Bwah ha ha ha!!!
rahirah
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:45 am (UTC)
Yeeeeeegh. That's so tacky you could use it to stick posters to a dorm room wall.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:46 am (UTC)
I KNOW!!! Kids these days and their lack of shame!

(I just... she's dissing her husband on NATIONAL TV. Yes, yes, get therapy. Do we all have to WATCH?!? *watches, because COME ON*)
moosesal
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:46 am (UTC)
I can Tivo it and burn you a DVD if you want. Just let me know.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:49 am (UTC)
Will my love for you ever stop growing? I don't think so. (I'll let you know. We may have to get Showtime. Plus, bonus for Weeds, which I heard was good.)

Dude. National TV. She's very "look at me!" so it makes sense in a way... but STILL. O_O
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st_salieri
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:51 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHA!!

I want to see this so badly, and I don't get Showtime!

Shoplifting! Lack of orgasms! Presents of fake boobies! Sounds like a lovely couple.

Okay, riddle me this: why in the holy hell would anyone want to do this? I mean, even just thinking of the husband. Do you want fame so badly that you'll be known from coast to coast as a lousy lay? Dude!

God, and OF COURSE they're Christians. ::cries::
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:14 am (UTC)
I KNOW!! To all of it!! Poor husband - he's the one in the couple I like, too. He's a good guy - a bit "frat boy" when he's drunk. She's a handful. *cough* Bit more uptop, but you know what I mean.

PUBLIC!! National TV and local paper with their actual names!!!
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going_not_gone
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:03 am (UTC)
Oh, my LORD. Your neighbors have just redefiend tacky for me. They raise the standard of Tackiest Thing Ever by several orders of magnitude.

The level of EWW here is just awesome. And you KNOW these people!

Thank you so much for sharing.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:16 am (UTC)
It's MIND BOOGELEING. Are you going to be surprised toknow they drive BMWs?

I have been getting text messages from my girlfriend (who is their next door neighbor) freaking out with laughter and horror for the past two hours.
elfgirl
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:03 am (UTC)
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That is the best thing ever.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:17 am (UTC)
SERIOUSLY. Just... WOW. Can you imagine?

Oh, and I'm TOTALLY sharing the torrent file, you kidding? Because inside I'm cobwebs and moldy cheese. :D
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a2zmom
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:19 am (UTC)
My former boss along with his wife was profiled on 20/20 (this was years ago) and the show basically demonstrated that they were the stupidest parents that ever lived. I still remember the scene when they made about ten different things for dinner because their one year old kept rufusing to eat.

I also remember her talking about their sex life and saying how bad it was now.

But your story is even better. Based on my experiance, you will have joke material for months, if not years.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:21 am (UTC)
OH LORD.

Those kind of parents give me hives, not to mention the fact that ALL THE NEIGHBORS KNOW YA BIDNESS! I'm of the "projecting a certain image" mentality, myself. You know: that I'm not crazy and sex-starved. (Honestly, I may be failing on that count... *cackles*)

And this still barely comes close to my former coworker's Jerry Springer story. I still howl with laughter over the "shot his arm off cuz he wuz tetchin' my woman!" story.
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globalfruitbat
Aug. 5th, 2006 03:14 am (UTC)
OH my GOD.




THAT IS AWESOME, in the worst way EVER!!!!!



(and ps -- Lindsay has posted!)
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:00 pm (UTC)
Crap! I'm going to be out of pocket all day - it's my daughter's b-day party. WOE!!

(And seriously: not too smart in their think-parts, are they??)
hellziggy
Aug. 5th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)
OMG! That's great!
Tivo is set!
Too bad I don't know a way to get stuff off Tivo and onto DVD for you!
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha - no worries! I have torrents, and I have gotten an offer for a TiVo to DVD transfer already, thanks!

*cackles*
cherusha
Aug. 5th, 2006 04:04 am (UTC)
Aha. aha. AHAHAHAHAHA!

YOU HAVE THE AWESOMEST NEIGHBORS EVER!
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
FOR ME TO POOP ON!! [/Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog]

OH EM GEE, RU!! I have to LOOK THEM IN THE EYE next weekend!! AFTER IT'S AIRED!
paynbow
Aug. 5th, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
OMG, you have WASPS next door!!! Hee!

Okay... so, her hubby doesn't get her off. She's not the first lady to be unsatisfied by male attention *ahem* (it's called the CLITORIS, guys! Yeesh.) but OMG, I can't believe that she'd go on TV and tell everyone, INCLUDING her neighbours! BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How much do I love that you live next door? It's brilliant. This is the best gift the gossip gods could ever have bestowed upon you. Use it wisely, my child.

What is the show called? I need to watch, point, laugh, and say, "I vicariously sort of know them...kinda..." *g*
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:03 pm (UTC)
The show is called "Sexual Healing" on Showtime.

And dude, my whole TOWN is WASPS. And Eastern Indians. And WASPY Asians. It's a mix of strangeness, yes.

Now, they don't live next door to ME, they live a few blocks over. They're a part of our network of married couples we socialize with. They are next door to our best friends, which is how we met them. *snickers*
crayonbreakygal
Aug. 5th, 2006 06:15 am (UTC)
OMFG. He bought her her boobs. She tells everyone in the whole freaking world that he doesn't satisfy her. I'm living in a boring neighborhood, that's for sure. Hey, you should dl it for all of us. *snort*
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, don't think I won't!! (Which is why this is on a filter... heh.)
coercion88
Aug. 5th, 2006 08:55 am (UTC)
Shit, I always kind of suspected these people were made-up - actually friends of the producer sort of thing. But now you're telling me they're real? They must be getting paid, right?? So she can have another boob job... or he can have a willy extension...
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:05 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!! And hahahahahahha! Seriously, if she gets another boob job she'll either float away or fall forward. She has pencils for legs and Beef Wellingtons on her collar bones. o.0

And I will dig and get more information: are they paid? Do they get something like a free dishwasher or trip for two to Walla Walla, Washington? What on EARTH is the incentive here?!?
brandil
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:57 pm (UTC)
::boggles::

I like the party idea ;)
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2006 01:59 pm (UTC)
I bet you do! *invites you SO HARD* I mean, you've seen me: I look very vanilla and safe, yes? Sure I do. So, for months this couple has been acting like they can't get enough of each other, that they're swinging from the chandeliers, that sort of thing.

Which is just killing me with laughter. (See, it's the sweet little girl act I have going that got me so much play. Heh.)
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ex_dovil323
Aug. 5th, 2006 11:16 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD!
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2006 05:49 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!! And the best, the BEST thing is, we're supposed to hang with them at a dinner party this coming weekend AFTER the show airs!!!
swmbo
Aug. 6th, 2006 11:25 am (UTC)
That is just FAR TOO MUCH TO KNOW about your neighbors.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)
I COMPLETELY AGREE.

o_O
( 52 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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