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Time for what? For more bad!fic. Right? Sure it is.

Standard Disclaimer: this is NOT to insult certain authors. There is no name calling here. This is about the joy of finding over-the-top prose, woeful grammatical errors, terrible euphemisms. Wanna read more? Just click the tag for the other posts.



Let's just get the most eyebrow raising one out of the way first.: "...after taking three of the dog's fingers..." I- Well. We can at least point out that dogs don't HAVE fingers.

You might consider getting a wax... "...his now flowing tears stained the man's baboon pelt." And I think a little club soda'll get those stains out.

"Running his hand through the other's front bangs" When they're "back bangs," we all call that a mullet, right? Kentucky mud flap? Alabama waterfall? Or do we classify that under "baboon pelt?" I'll give you a second on that one.

"[he] removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom" Brings a WHOLE NEW MEANING to the phrase, "It smells of foot and ass in here. Oh, sorry, Bob."




Making sure you know who's who: "[he] groaned as he felt a hand close around his dick and became very hard which didn't go unnoticed by the owner of the hand." The kicker is it was Buster's prosthetic hand. And this is an anime fic. KIDDING! Hah. That may only be funny to me. SO BE IT.

"his clawed hands making their way down to remove his pants" Surprisingly, Wolverine is not the protagonist of this tale. Nor Freddy Kruger.

"mouth frozen in the most sensual 'O' position" As opposed to the "horror O," the mildly erotic O," the "waiting for mama bird with worms O," and the "O sole mio" O. Someone's watched Office Space.




How many licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? "He was only able to get past seven licks." One, a-two-hoo! Thrrrrree. Er... Four. Five? Ssssssssix. Seeeeeevennnnn.

How perfectly in character! "Dance with me," Harry says, leaning towards Ron's body. Express your love in dance.

Part Deaux: Spike to Xander: "We're like woman. Oh god. We've turned into Willow and Tara." O_O




Words I really don't need in a PWP:

  • warm and gooey
  • pre-seed
  • palm-full of fluids
  • deflating cock
  • bottom's hole (dude, you're writing NC-17. Go ahead and call it a rosy entrance tunnel to love findingness.)


Fun without a beta! Or a read through. Or basic English lessons.

  • half breads cheek
  • had herd his ordor
  • began to laps back into
  • "shit its not working ron."harry cruse



I like the idea of an amalgam of Tom Cruise and Harry Potter. Combining the deadly world of Magic and Scientology to save people everywhere. L Ron Hubbard and Voldemort are merged into a super beast! Instead of Avada Kedavra, Voldebard (Hubdemort?) can rain down pamplets of how to get off heroin and/or the Dark Arts in only three days! And poor Hermione and Katie Holmes have raunchy femme-slashy half breads sex. Which can lead to all sort of horrible and wrong yeast infection commentary.

I LIKE IT!

[ETA] I meant to mention that some of these are from anime fics, which I've found is an excellent source for bad writing. It's like they enjoy writing them to sound like the bad English dub-overs. And that totally works for me. Oh, and there are NO PUNCTUATION MARKS. Holy run-on sentence, Batman! Confession: I like reading them and saying "ohhHHHH!" like from the Chinpokomon episode of South Park. Heh.

OH! Yesterday was the fantastic and funny and cool and hip marlo's birthday, and I was a jerk and forgot. I hope you had a great day, sweetheart!! A thousand apologies!

Comments

( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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southernbangel
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:17 pm (UTC)
man's baboon pelt

O_o. W.T.F?!? I . . . no words.

Thanks, Stoney. I desperately needed a laugh this morning.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
And seriously: it was mentioned about four or five times how hairy the man's pelt was.

OKAY. GOT IT. The man's a grizzly bear. Sorry! BABOON. *panties SO wet*
... - southernbangel - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
tx_cronopio
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
Where is MY baboon pelt, I ask you? Is there no justice in this world? Older women have rights!
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
(i'm not grumpy, just using the gorilla.)
*cracks up at your icon*

SERIOUSLY. Sleeping with a hairy man is ECONOMICALLY SMART. Lower your heater in the winter for added savings!
Re: (i'm not grumpy, just using the gorilla.) - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
menomegirl
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
baboon pelt???

omfg, I thought cock fur was bad. I just...I got no words, dude.

*boggles*
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
ON BOARD. I just don't understand the furry needs. And I like hairy chests! I just don't need ANIMALS in my sex talk, thanks.
... - wolfshark - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikendru - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
midnightsjane
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
Bwaahaaahaaaa!
removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom
Gives new meaning to "from beneath you it devours...: [snerk]

Thank you for my morning fall out of my chair laughing episode! Now I must find a cloth to wipe the coffee off the screen.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha! That's a great one!

And glad I could make you laugh!
psychoadept
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I needed that right now...
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
I think we ALL needed a laugh, huh?

*squeeze*
jgracio
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
Of course the perfect Harry Cruise story is how Katie Weasley gives birth to his child in a perfect silence, so as not to disturb the baby... :)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:45 pm (UTC)
EXCELLENT. And Ginny Kidman cries bitter tears from her frozen face.

Can Ron be Ice Man, aka Val Kilmer?
... - jgracio - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
kita0610
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Wait..did she MEAN baboon, or was that some horrible spell check auto correct error????

The world may never know!
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:54 pm (UTC)
I think she meant Baboon. She used that same descriptor THREE MORE TIMES.

Dude, baboons are hot. With their swollen asses? And Mandrils are the drag queens of the simian world. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
... - kita0610 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
ruric
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
deflating cock

They do that? My god I've led a sheltered life!
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
Sex would be more entertaining if they made that "pffffffft!" sound like a balloon does when you let it go!
slackerace
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:07 pm (UTC)
dog fingers? What is this? Bestiality fic?

My mouth is in an orgasmic O over that one.

The internets are scary.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:09 pm (UTC)
*CRACKS UP AT YOUR ICON!!!!*

Hee! Okay, that fic apparently has a shape-shifting dog. Some times a man, sometimes a... dog. That still has fingers?

>:O
... - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
emma_daisy
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC)
As God is my witness, I will use pre-seed in a sentence today or DIE TRYING.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:24 pm (UTC)
...


You could let that preceed a conversation on garden preparation?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:25 pm (UTC)
I have to say that this was the first time I've come across a deflating cock. And yeah. BALLOONS.

*tries to make a giraffe, only ends up with a pile of snakes*
a2zmom
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom

I have a mental image of someone snapping off their foot and replaceing it with an extra rear end. And that still makes more sense thne whatever the author was trying to conjure up, I fear.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
If it helps, I think the one foot remover had his appendage on the other's chest. And he removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom.

Words are fun!
chrisleeoctaves
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
OMG- I should not read these at work because how do I explain the fact that I am doubled over in front of my computer screen.

Oh, right, cramps.

Jesus wept. (and then ran his fingers through Paul's baboon pelt)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
*hands you a can out Spot Shot, in case of stains*

And I need to post the faux-commercial I wrote for SNL about back-hair extensions. I could re-work it to include "back bangs."
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
marlo
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks, baby! I love you. You're totally not a jerk.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
*gropes your tight bikin' bod*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
treacle_a
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
Bottom's hole?? Is this perhaps Shakespeare?
brandil
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
ha ha ha ha ha
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC)
*g*
brandil
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
oh god

stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:02 pm (UTC)
Heee! Donkey.
spikendru
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
"[he] groaned as he felt a hand close around his dick and became very hard which didn't go unnoticed by the owner of the hand." The kicker is it was Buster's prosthetic hand. And this is an anime fic. KIDDING! Hah. That may only be funny to me. SO BE IT.

Nah. It's just plain funny.

Anime? I thought it was a Lingel fic! Oooo! Evil prosthetic hand becomming very hard! And not in an unnoticed kind of way. Now I'm wondering if the dick-owner noticed? *veg*
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:02 pm (UTC)
I have no idea what a Lingel fic is! *intrigued*

OH! Lindsey/Angel? I'm immune to the smooshing of names. ;)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
There's just no way it could work! And yet...

Aw, don't be sad, 'Toine.

What up, B? I done been sickoracious up in herrr. You?
desoto_hia873
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
And poor Hermione and Katie Holmes have raunchy femme-slashy half breads sex. Which can lead to all sort of horrible and wrong yeast infection commentary.

*snort*
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
Half-breads! I swear to you, it appeared about four times in TWO PARAGRAPHS!

So. Awesome. *g*
chantal87
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
Oh dear God!
Those were as awesome as a Spuffy fic I read the other day.
Ropey trails of cum were involved. It was all very disturbing and graphic.
I love Bad!Fic.

Thanks for the fun entry.
*snuggles you*
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
Ropey trails of cum?? Dude, that's almost plagiarism from "Super Cum," one of the most hilarious Smallville fics I ever read!

Hahahaha. *squishes you back*
escritoireazul
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:40 pm (UTC)
I like the idea of an amalgam of Tom Cruise and Harry Potter. Combining the deadly world of Magic and Scientology to save people everywhere. L Ron Hubbard and Voldemort are merged into a super beast! Instead of Avada Kedavra, Voldebard (Hubdemort?) can rain down pamplets of how to get off heroin and/or the Dark Arts in only three days! And poor Hermione and Katie Holmes have raunchy femme-slashy half breads sex. Which can lead to all sort of horrible and wrong yeast infection commentary.

You are hilarious. I'm having trouble breathing, I'm laughing so hard over here. Thank you! It's been a bad day (bad few days) and I really needed something so funny.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)
'Tis my pleasure to serve.

*Beams*
neur0vanity
Aug. 30th, 2006 08:18 pm (UTC)
Bad!fic warms my heart in such an utterly perverse way. *huggles bad!fic*

although I'm sure I've written some myself *woe*
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 08:41 pm (UTC)
IT MAKES ME HAPPY, TOO!!!
slasheuse
Aug. 30th, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
I want someone else to ADMIT that they found themselves trying to make the most sensuous O position while reading this. SOMEBODY, ANYBODY.

Also, why is Harry dancing with Ron's corpse?

Also 2: What exactly IS a tootsie pop?
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2006 08:41 pm (UTC)
I ADMIT I DID. DO. AM. All of the above.

I don't understand why Harry needs to dance with Ron at ALL. And Hermione and Seamus were watching, as they do. o_0

A tootsie pop is a lollipop with a bit of cheap chocolate fudge (called a tootsie roll, they are HORRID, dun eet) in the middle. There was a popular commercial in the 70s that is RIGHT HERE FOR YOUR VIEWING pleasure. :)
demonqueen666
Aug. 30th, 2006 08:44 pm (UTC)
Spike to Xander: "We're like woman. Oh god. We've turned into Willow and Tara."

...Jigga-what-huh?? (And how can they be Willan AND Tara if they're "woman"?)

Ah, badfic. You never fail to amuse :P
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( 73 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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