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More Stupid People, Part Deaux

This is to continue that snowball, and to (hopefully) make you feel smarter, if only by association.  I'll kick a quick shout out to she who got the ball rolling, dodyskin


For those of you not familiar with the National Park system of the Rocky Mountains, The Grand Teton National Park is located a handful of miles south of Yellowstone National Park.  There are grizzlies, foxes, wolves, bison, etc.  Untamed and free.  It truly is a beautiful place, and an alien one to most people, apparently.

Yellowstone (once home to Yogi Bear under its flagship name, Jellystone) is the home of Old Faithful, a geyser.  At that location are about 300 smaller geysers, spread about a few acres of land.  Did you sleep that day in geology?  A lot of people did.  And those same people don't read signs posted along trails, either.  The land there is really a thin layer of minerals and salts.  A crust of earth riding over a pocket of water that, in turn, is located over a POCKET OF MAGMA.  Molten rock.  Lava.  It heats up the water, water bursts forth from the earth at skynormous temperatures. In other words, hotter than boiling is this water of which I speak.

That crust is unstable in many places.  It is not uncommon for the rangers to do their check in the early AM and find a half dissolved carcas of a bison, after poor little guy punched through the crust and was boiled/steamed alive.  *shudder*  As a result, there is a suspended walkway that takes you through the chain of geysers.  Most don't erupt, they bubble up and back down into the ground.  Nature's little flush.  But they are pretty, and have mineral deposits that create beautiful colors, and oh yeah: heated by MAGMA.

I'm off on this fine day, taking a stroll through the park and enjoying the weather, the naked chipmunks (really - they burrow underground and have no fur from the heat) and the day in general.  About 100 feet in front of me I see a mother and her three kids, the oldest couldn't be more than 10.  Disregarding the signs every 50 feet that say: Stay on path!  Ground Unstable!  Do not touch!  FUCKING MAGMA, PEOPLE!! the mother stands back and watches her daughter (8?  9 years old?) flop down onto her tummy and say, "I wanna see if they're hot."  AND SHE STUCK HER ARM INTO A GEYSER UP TO HER ELBOW.  Her mom watched.

I dropped my backpack and ran straight to her screaming, "no!!  NO!!" and see the child jerk her arm out and clutch it, screaming, "Ow!  Mommy, it hurts!"  Her arm is a nasty shade of violet.  But wait!  There's more.  The mom starts rolling up her sleeve, squats down, and replies, "are you sure?" and leans over to TRY IT OUT FOR HERSELF.  I skidded to a stop, chin dropped, turned and grabbed my pack.  I went straight to the ranger station, told them they had two people coming in with second degree bu- "Ervil, we got a couple a code 2's walking."  Code 2.  Not code 413, or 87995, but code 2.  'Cause it happens a lot.

On my way back to my park I see a traffic jam ahead next to a stream.  Not uncommon as it's feeding time.  It never ceases to amaze me how many people have never seen a deer.  I make my way around the parked cars and see it's a BISON and her baby, and people are getting waaay to close to her. (Bison can outrun a horse, can jump 8 feet straight up, and can charge at 35 miles an hour.  And they have wicked horns that will go through you.)  Some moron is carrying his 4 year old son over to it, with mom on the sidelines holding her camera at the ready.  My partner mutters, "shit," checks her gun, and we make our way to them.  The dad is LIFTING HIS SON as if to put him on the WILD ANIMAL'S back, and the mama buffalo is pawing the ground with her hooves, and sharpening her horn on the ground.  (Ever see that Buggs Bunny with the Bull?  They didn't.)  Now, if that animal charges the crowd, my partner is going to have to shoot it and take it out.  We are able to disperse the crowd and get everyone to back away enough for the animals to make an escape.  And the crowd was put out with us.  They aren't tame animals!  This isn't a zoo!  Morons.

The year before we fined someone $15,000 and put them in jail and in touch with Child Protective Services for spreading honey on their toddler's feet and leaving them in a clearing, hoping to get a picture of a black bear licking the honey off.  Wouldn't that just be precious??  What a Christmas card!  A little holly draped over the missing feet and we have something magical.  If you recognize yourself in any of these stories, I'm truly surprised you are still counted among the living.

Here's where I was staioned: you should go!  And be smart. http://www.signalmtnlodge.com/

Here is a pic from the geyser chains (this is similar to what Crispy McCrispins stuck her hand in) http://www.nps.gov/yell/tours/oldfaithful/heartspr.htm

Here is a pic of buffalo and info about them: http://www.nps.gov/yell/nature/animals/bison/bison.html

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
vincitveritas
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
WHAT THE FUCK???!! i honestly don't understand stupid people. what would cause someone to do shit like that? sure, it's fun to be spontaneous, but use some caution, people!

after this immediate anger subsides, laughter ensues! crazy bastards make me glad i'm not like them. hahahahahaha!
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
Wow. And I could post something new about stupid people EVERY DAY. Of this magnitude.
sangueuk
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:40 am (UTC)
please do!
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 09:05 am (UTC)
Sanguelina!
Glutton for punishment? Or are you looking to prove your worth on this pebble? Did you read about the Pom and the Eagle?
sangueuk
Sep. 5th, 2004 10:11 am (UTC)
Re: Sanguelina!
just thought they were scary/funny stories. I didn't read anything else. Off to do that now.
ennuigrrl
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:23 am (UTC)
you should have pushed them in.
Then we save some stupid people from procreating.
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:33 am (UTC)
But the unfortunate thing was: she had already procreated four times! I would have had to wait for them to move to something larger, like the Beehive geyser and OOPS! push all five in.

Silver lining? In comparison, I am a GENIUS.
ennuigrrl
Sep. 7th, 2004 06:09 pm (UTC)
" I am a GENIUS."


that you are babe..that you are:)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 09:45 am (UTC)
Them pigs got the hydrophobee!
Aren't you sweet. I would be surprised if they hadn't been published already. Miss Crumpet was known from Canada to Arizona within minutes of it happening. There's an inter-park softabll team, and we all would drink and swap stories after. Good times.

We have copperheads in abundance here in DFW, and NEVER would I think about touching one. And what do you mean that the lions don't sing in Kenya?? Are you trying to tell me Disney is a lie? I honestly think people don't understand what "wild" means. I blame our zoos. And the shriners.
_jealousy_
Sep. 5th, 2004 10:24 am (UTC)
I wish I could say that I was surprised by this level of stupidity, but I'm not. It really is too bad that all of these exercises in extreme stupidity do not result in death, it would do so much to improve the gene pool.
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 10:48 am (UTC)
Some higher power should get the long net thingy and clean out the pool. I, too, cease to be surprised any more.

My husband and I have coined the term BEM: booger eating moron.
likeadeuce
Sep. 5th, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)
This is one of those nights when I'm glad my roommate is out of town, because she would be coming out and giving me a puzzled look about why I am laughing so hard at 11:30 at night.

The last time that happened. . .well, just ask crazydiamondsue about the Mormon babyname website.

I must go link to this.
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2004 09:38 pm (UTC)
I am falling in love with you girls!!!!
Okay, I'll bite about the names with Sue. Now: true story. Was at the Pediatrician with the kids last week, and saw the ugliest toddler EVER. This kid was so ugly it made me angry. Drool, snot, wonky walk, ugly clothes, fucked up hair, whiney and crabby. The mom comes over to grab her and stop her from hitting things randomly and she has a BYU University shirt on. OF COURSE!! Inbreeder! I bet a million dollars her name was Gruber, Christiansen, or Kingston.

And aren't I the nicest person in the world for saying a child is fugly? (But it was!!!)
ex_dovil323
Sep. 6th, 2004 12:43 am (UTC)
Dear god! That's just scary levels of stupidity.

My dad works at a zoo and had to run up and stop this bloke from dangling his three year old into the crocodile enclosure. Apparently it was so she could get a better look, and aren't the crocs at the zoo tame anyway?

*hits head repeatedly on desk*
stoney321
Sep. 6th, 2004 07:55 am (UTC)
Thining out the gene pool, one moron at a time.
Your dad is the crocodile hunter?? Hee! People are morons. Did you see the earlier post about the Pom and the Eagle? Truly that story is the greatest story ever told. By me.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 6th, 2004 05:58 pm (UTC)
They DO exist! (Dummies, that is)
Jackson Hole, Wyoming is one of the most breathtaking places I have ever seen. I woke up every morning to a moose team outside my window. (Truly: I would open the drapes and see a big snout at the pane, fogging it up) There was a crystal blue lake outside and a gorgeous mountain chain behind it. If you can ever take a national park tour in the Rockies, I highly recommend it. I know you are in a different hemisphere and all... But maybe I'll win the lottery!
shawk
Sep. 7th, 2004 10:47 am (UTC)
Guh, people!

I just don't understand. Ok, I grew up in a small town where deer were everywhere and you saw other wildlife, but it's just common sense that you don't try to interact with wild animals. Hello.
phfeenikz
Sep. 9th, 2004 10:36 pm (UTC)
I have to thank you for restoring my faith in humanity. These endearing stories about the heights of human intellect... no seriously, when will the national parks be closing permanently to protect these idiots from themselves?
stoney321
Sep. 10th, 2004 06:03 am (UTC)
If nothing else pans out for me in this life,
At least I can claim the restoration of humankind. No, wait. I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that natural selection should be the standard of the day.

But if the parks close, how will I laugh at people? *whispers* There is still the maul... er, mall.
phfeenikz
Sep. 10th, 2004 08:29 am (UTC)
The "Descent" of Man.
Perhaps we should hasten the selection process a bit with the addition of a gauntlet at the entrance to all parks. Better yet, put them before the entrances to those shrines of third world exploitation you speak of. Maybe the more enlightened among us would think twice before going out to spend 50 bucks on Old Navy cargo pants or a V-neck sweater at the Gap. We could even put prospective shoppers trying to gain entry to the maul on a reality television show called "Attention Darwinian Shoppers!", appearing in the time slot just after Fear Factor.
stoney321
Sep. 10th, 2004 08:35 am (UTC)
Re: The "Descent" of Man.
Event I'd like to see on a "new" Fear Factor: lodge pole pine climb, while a black bear (who just woke from hibernation) eyes you from below. Oh, and you fill the contestant's pants with fresh trout. Winner gets to keep his life.

The gauntlet idea intrigues me. Let's make it a pre-requisite for entrance to high school, grocery stores, etc. We can have the world we always dreamed of! A new "Mad Max," if you will. Wait, that wouldn't be good. Maybe a pop quiz and failure to recive an average of 80% means beheading? Must think this through....
phfeenikz
Sep. 10th, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC)
Re: The "Descent" of Man.
Trouser trouts aside, eh hem, the quiz idea is excellent, though beheadings are a touch to jihadist for my taste. Maybe the loss of reproductive organs would be more humane. Just think of the fantastic surge in popularity that would occur for all male choruses!

Adding to the litany of "new" reality events, how about this one which draws off of The Great Race: The Oreo suit marathon. The contestants would put on suits made entirely of Oreo cookies and traverse a three day trek through the wilderness. During the trek, they would not be allowed to remove the suit, even while sleeping lest they be disqualified. The first one to make it back with the fewest cookies having been eaten by bears wins.

romanyg
Jul. 2nd, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
followed the link you left in szandara's LJ...

I grew up around animals, domestic and wild, and I firmly believe in teaching my girls respect, observation and interpretation. I'm constantly amazed what dangers people will put their kids into for photo ops because they're clueless.
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
See, there you are using Earth logic. All that is going to do is make your girls SMART and SURVIVE. It's like you don't get the whole concept of modern parenting...

:D

This isn't even my GOOD story. (In my memories under "Tales of Stupid People" should you need further proof of your superiority)

Hooray for your girls growing up properly! Good job, mom!
enochs_fable
Jul. 6th, 2005 05:32 am (UTC)
Also followed that link of szandara's. I'm worried... if these aren't Stupid People, who is?

Wow. The kid (and the mom) are lucky they weren't steam-fried dumplings.
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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