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This is called escapism. It's also about celebrating the glory that is bad!fic. Words have meaning. Except in these stories.


  • pounding her pelvis with the fury of a thousand ninjas. Now, I've encountered ninjas - albeit through chop-socky films, but nonetheless. Their fury is LEGENDARY. *cries a single tear for her pelvis*
  • "My cock flailed around like an out of control fire hose." Now, I've encountered out of control fire hoses. That'll take your eye out. And clearly this man is completely dehydrated, like that guy on that episode of Angel.
  • "It seemed Remus hadn't noticed what Harry was about to do, but it was clear after Harry had managed to get his pants undone and had slipped a hand down, that he knew." Apparently Remus isn't the swiftest of DADA Professors. Bonus points for getting the word "had" in there three times.
  • "Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian", questioned the female? Oh, don't tease me, author. Did she question him? Is this one of those "choose your own punctuation adventure books?"



All of which leads us to: In The Author Clearly Is Asking The Reader For Help Category:

  • "[the young boy] had been standing there for a very long time. How long? Well,his older brother had went off on his on about an hour earlier and had just returned." So.... about an hour, then? And man, I love it when guys rage at their ons. "Fuck you, On! I'm sick of calling and you not picking up. I'm sick of covering for you when Off shows up! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, On!" It's subtle.
  • InuYasha felt, what, violated? Hmm. Maybe? Or maybe he felt rapturous? Clean? Hungry? Upset to be in this fic with yet another baboon pelted man? The possibilities are endless.



From the Redundancy Department of Redundancy:

  • welcomed them with open willingness
  • again take her once again virgin pussy
  • the dark jazz club was dark
  • dated with age
  • Japanese tea from the Japanese restaurant. See, we're expecting it to be from an African market, and so the author FOOLS US by making it the obvious, when we aren't expecting it. CLEVER.



I swear to the god of your choice that I am not making these up. How about fun with oxymorons?

  • fiery tenderness


And it's not from Equus fanfic:

  • a single horse cry



I Hate My Apartment/House/Yurt/Earthship And So I Redecorate In Fanfic Award:

"The living room was of spacious art and sculptures like Buffy had decorated her studio apartment. It was off white with black curtains the couch was of black leather and matching chair. The kitchen was rather small but was modern in decor. With black cabinets and flowered wallpaper made it seem more larger same for the dining area it was floral wallpapered same as the kitchen and off white walls with pretty flowers and huge table setting 8 easily. The 1st bathroom had a ocean beach like decor ranging from the ocean shower curtain to various seashells to a sea shell tub and separate shower. The walls were in ocean blue and flooring to match. The 1st bedroom was of Spike's it was red walled and matching flooring very posh and manly to say at the least.He had a huge closet and huge spare bath in the corner of the room both done in dull grey colors. The 2nd bath decor ran into more of manly fishing tackle and fishes decor. Housing a huge jacuzzi for 4 and a separate bathtub of simple fashion of grey color. The sink were in the same gray color tiled top as both the 1st bathroom and kitchen. Their were 2 other rooms but only one was a guest room the other was turned into a study and library on the top floor. They were done in gray and blue light shades with blue curtains in both rooms. The guest bedroom was of the country decor reminding of old days of ones youth white the study and library seemed to be in modern and updated materials which housed a typewriter and computer at one huge cherry desk."


I'm sorry, but this sounds like the house of a serial killer. CHECK FOR BLEACH AND SYRINGES, BUFFY!!


Random WTFery

  • they walked back to his house of bricks (See, it's a Spuffy fic, so his house is out of bricks to avoid the Big Bad, get it? GET IT?? *hits us all over the head*
  • reservationed dinner
  • seated by the matrondee Aww. That makes me sad.
  • pheasant-type blouse True, the feathers and down keep you warm, but don't wear it during hunting season.
  • I thought silently yet comfortily sarcasticly inside My head God complex? Dumb God complex?


And some AMAZINGLY BAD MarySue/Snape BDSM fic:

  • I leaned against the wall wondering and thinking ...and pondering and surmising while pensively thoughtfully contemplating various speculations and ruminations.
  • then he proceeded to take my gag of and kissed my lips ever so gently gag of... GAG OF...?? Gag of nails? Kittens? HAM PIE? Oooh, a gag of ham pie with cheddar would be DELISH. Ever so.
  • that would make things even more... humm... exciting I like to insert my own "how you say?" in a foreign accent here. This is in the fic no less than THREE TIMES by paragraph 17. Which were thoughtfully numbered.
  • lick of his cum of her face They have melded into one, it seems! Also: EWW.
  • I had to be taught properness a lesson Again, a Romanian accent wouldn't go amiss here. No offense to Romanians. Unless are GEEPSEES *ptooey!*
  • they opened their pants and produced large, no no, huge cocks I like feeling like I'm inside her head while this is happening. It makes things even more... humm.. exciting. Ever so.
  • my eyes grew wider then wide When we mix up then/than, people, it makes us feel like things are happening backwards.
  • I was feeling two cocks in me, then a sudden sting brought me back Oh, the STING you felt? Not the two no no huge cocks ramming you? Huh.



And Holy Awkward Sentence, Batman!

  • He didn't lay wasting time til descendant atop of his chosen one soon the room was awaken by moans and screams as his cock slide inside of her now tighten pussy full of wet juices he made.


...it's like jazz. Which is dark, in a dark room. Also, we're all drunk.


And lastly, the best disclaimer to a fic that had no hint of piracy whatsoever: Not A Pirate Fic.

Thank you all, and have a great weekend. see you Monday.

Comments

( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
lennongirl
Oct. 26th, 2006 10:30 pm (UTC)
they opened their pants and produced large, no no, huge cocks

So not true. I was there. These cocks were ginormous.
harmonyfb
Oct. 26th, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
The stupid makes my head all hurty.
"My cock flailed around like an out of control fire hose."

::forces the author to write "I will not write sex until after I've HAD sex" 5,000 times::

With black cabinets and flowered wallpaper made it seem more larger

Uh...that would make it seem like a fucking dollhouse size kitchen.

To author: Go sit next to the virgin and write "I will never be an interior designer" 500 times.

they opened their pants and produced large, no no, huge cocks

"Dude! Where'd you steal the chickens from?"
_tayler
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
Re: The stupid makes my head all hurty.
::forces the author to write "I will not write sex until after I've HAD sex" 5,000 times::

*hee*
So...like...she has to have sex 5,000 times...or she has to write...?

Never-mind.

harmonyfb
Oct. 26th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
I have to say, I'm so much more impressed by my 12 year old's fanfic after reading a few badfic excerpts. Go read the summary - it makes sense, it's concise, and it doesn't beg for the reader to "plz review LOL". The Blurred Line.

::is proud mama::
timeofchange
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:36 am (UTC)
I just read the first couple of paragrahps, but whoa! Only 12? You should be pround. It's pretty impressive.
harmonyfb
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
I know! ::quiet mama squee:: I'm so proud. Even if I can't stand the series she's writing in. ::laugh::
speakingsilence
Oct. 26th, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
dated with age I love this one. I don't know why, but it's wonderful.

they walked back to his house of bricks It could have said that they walked back to his brickhouse, which would have been more tragic but funnier.
moosesal
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Just ... thank you so very, very much. Oh god, I'm dying here.

Happy walking!!!
entrenous88
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
The 2nd bath decor ran into more of manly fishing tackle and fishes decor.

*cackles*

Buffy and Spike have taken up fly fishing, apparently?

the guest bedroom was of the country decor reminding of old days of ones youth white the study and library seemed to be in modern and updated materials

Oooh, a gag of ham pie with cheddar would be DELISH. Ever so.
Make that fake!vegetarian!ham, and I'm in!

I love you, Stoney!

Man, that study and library are racist, yo.
entrenous88
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:07 pm (UTC)
Heeee, I totally misordered that comment. *facepalm*

You are a walker EXTRAORDINAIRE, STONNEEEEYYYY!
julia_here
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC)
I thought silently yet comfortily sarcasticly inside My head

Huh? I mean, thought silently as opposed to thought really loud and frightening the squirrels? Thought inside my head as opposed to thought on my scalp?

There is much badness in writing about the internet today.

Julia, walk well, my dear, and remember, some people's thoughts are held in place with Final Net
beadattitude
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:28 pm (UTC)
Whoa. There's some bad!fic, thar, hon.

Phesant blouse. heeeeeee. ::wipes tears::
redbrickrose
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:32 pm (UTC)
I swear to the god of your choice that I am not making these up.

I don't think you could make them up on purpose. They are too clearly the stuff of bad!fic found in the wild. Ouch.
ruric
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
I leaned against the wall wondering and thinking ...and pondering and surmising while pensively thoughtfully contemplating various speculations and ruminations.

*swallows tongue choking on laughter*
spuffyduds
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:17 am (UTC)
VERY posh and manly. To say at the least.
lynnenne
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
God complex? Dumb God complex?

*totally loses it*

And the horse cry! NEIIIIIIIGHGH!

Have a fantastic walk-a-thon, darling! *smishes you*
lynnenne
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC)
Sorry, I meant to use this icon. My finger slipped.
marlo
Oct. 27th, 2006 01:01 am (UTC)
Thank YOU. Oh man, I laughed so hard, so much! I needed it. You rule.
demonqueen666
Oct. 27th, 2006 01:37 am (UTC)
And lastly, the best disclaimer to a fic that had no hint of piracy whatsoever: Not A Pirate Fic.

...I do not think the word means what you think it means.

Thank you for this; makes me feel better about my writing again XD
samsom
Oct. 27th, 2006 01:40 am (UTC)
If I didn't think these were all written by thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds who have a few more years of education in front of them, then I'd weep for the future of literacy.

Cheers to you for wading through all this without bleeding eyes that bled all over in a red flowing pattern that made you weep.
lettered
Oct. 27th, 2006 02:09 am (UTC)
There's Equus fanfic?
darkhavens
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:06 am (UTC)
If there isn't now, there will be soon. Daniel Radcliffe (AKA Harry Potter) is about to star in a new stage production of same. It really doesn't bear thinking about. *g*
lettered
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:22 am (UTC)
You mean because when he took off his shirt in HP5 all I could think was: "Oh dear God, OH DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT FOR ANOTHER TWENTY YEARS"? Also, doesn't have the chops for it?

Or is it the bestiality fanfic, that'll make a sudden surge?

I can't figure out what's scariest.
lostakasha
Oct. 27th, 2006 01:09 pm (UTC)
I don't know about that, but I'm prety sure there's Mr. Ed fanfic.
lettered
Oct. 27th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
There should be cross-overs!

I love Equus.
leighm
Oct. 27th, 2006 02:24 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

I hope my pelvis and how ever many ninjas never come into contact with each other in any shape or form.

Typos or whatever they are intended to be make the story so RICH. LMAO.
cordelianne
Oct. 27th, 2006 03:18 am (UTC)
again take her once again virgin pussy heeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! *dies*

I loved that the detailed description kept telling us things were "manly". And I especially love the fishing decor - cause you know Spike, quite the fisherman!

Thank you for making me laugh and laugh!!!

Good walking!!! I'm sure it will go fabulously! *hugs*
darkhavens
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:08 am (UTC)
The 1st bedroom was of Spike's it was red walled and matching flooring very posh and manly to say at the least.

Um... red floors and walls scream 'Bordello' to me - not quite the 'posh and manly' I think the author was trying to bludgeon the readers into seeing.
many_simulacra
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:19 am (UTC)
Hi. Psychoadept sent me a link here.

Hoooooooooly crap. This reminds me of why I retired from writing fanfic. But at the same time, it's so unbearably hilarious I just can't look away.

And I'm afraid we all SHOULD fear for this country's literacy. I work as a copyeditor, reading over stuff that doctors turn out--DOCTORS--and I'm very sorry to say that I've gotten quite a few disastrous sentences across my desk that could give these little gems a run for their money.

I'm gonna go stick my head in some sand now and quietly weep.
psychoadept
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:32 am (UTC)
OMG. I needed to laugh that hard. Thank you.
chantal87
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:52 am (UTC)
You know I love you hard. Quite frankly I do this... think silently yet comfortily sarcasticly inside My head at least twice a week.
Have a fabulous weekend.
kultiras
Oct. 27th, 2006 09:29 am (UTC)
I love you for putting this together. This has totally fixed my horrible day. =)
_tayler
Oct. 27th, 2006 12:30 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMAO!
Oh Sweetie...[how you say]...It.Hurts!
*jiggles* <33

Thanks for these...and have the best walk-a-thon ever in the entire history of walk-a thons!
lostakasha
Oct. 27th, 2006 01:12 pm (UTC)
I felt what, amused when I read these?

What a great start to the last day in a week of perfectly shitty days. Thanks ever so. :::does Katharine Hepburn impresion for you with extra special headshake oh no! It's Rose Kennedy! "Teddy...I'm cold, Teddy!":::
crevette
Oct. 27th, 2006 03:34 pm (UTC)
You're walking even as I type this. You've probably cried at the opening ceremonies, you've gotten to your first pit stop and you'll be at your first Cheering Station soon.

When you come back and read this you'll understand why telaryn and I say, "Life needs a personal cheering station".

You go, beautiful girl. You walk, you be proud and gorgeous and walk. When you see your first Survivor on the route, standing there with tears rolling down her cheeks as she thanks you over and over for what you're doing, and you start to cry too as you realize just how great this is and how much of a difference you're making, all of the blisters and aches and little things that bug you just fade away.

You go, beautiful woman. You walk and with every step you're making a difference. You're saving a life. You're saving some woman's dreams of watching her kids grow up and have kids of their own. You're saving some man's wife and some woman's husband.

YOU are making a difference.

Picture me cheering you on, screaming till my throat is raw, for the beauty and glory that is you.

You go, beautiful. I am so proud of you my heart is bursting.
stoney321
Oct. 30th, 2006 02:07 am (UTC)
Okay, I've just climbed (creakily) out of a tub, my husband handed me a glass of champagne, and I go to email my family that I'm home and I see this.

AND I'M CRYING ALL OVER AGAIN. I can't say how grateful I am to you for getting me involved. I hope your ears were burning, because I talked about you and telaryn ad nauseum.

YOU made a difference in my life. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. *shakes pom poms and follows you in a fun van - but not in a creepy stalker way, ha!*

KISSES AND HUGS, MY FRIEND!!!
darlas_mom
Oct. 27th, 2006 04:34 pm (UTC)
Dear God, where do people find this stuff?!

I can only guess that in many of them, English is not the writer's primary language. Or maybe these authors are under the age of fifteen. Maybe both. Maybe these were written by prepubescent gypsies. ;-)

I feel dirty now.
brandil
Oct. 27th, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for braving the bad!fic and sharing the jewels with us.
ex_dovil323
Oct. 27th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC)
I am CRYING with laughter! Weeping with the hilarity, one might say. You so rock.

And best of luck! Don't forget to fill up the back seat with booze and sedatives!
(Deleted comment)
my_daroga
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC)
I knew this was a bad idea. The whole friending thing. Now I'm gonna lose my job because laughing silently? Hurts. I am lucky I didn't explode.

Though I'd like to revise that first one into a story about the FURRY of a thousand ninjas... Now that'd be a fandom I could get behind!
stoney321
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:17 am (UTC)
Hahaha! you know what? That fandom most likely exists and has been featured on fandom_Wank a good ten times, I bet.

FURRIES. The very bottom totem on the geek pole.
my_daroga
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
I was reading something over there the other day about how there's something lower than furries! There are sub-groups within the furries of otherkin and whatnot!

Isn't it exciting?
stoney321
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:20 am (UTC)
Heeeeee! Well, according to the Geek Flow CHart, that's erotic furries who mary sue themselves into furry versions of Star Trek fic.
my_daroga
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:30 am (UTC)
Wow. I had no idea there was a handy chart. All my problems are solved! Not the least of which is self-worth.

Though maybe I'm blowing it when I say I'm kind of curious about ocelot!Kirk...
stoney321
Nov. 8th, 2006 12:54 am (UTC)
Personally, I'm on the look out for Otter!Spock and Sea Urchin!Kirk hurt/comfort schmoop fic.

But that's probably just me. :D
( 46 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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