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Well, I'm at the Master Gardener's office today, pitching in on the volunteer help line this morning. Wheeee! Here are some of the random questions I've gotten from the Public At Large:

  • "Can I shoot armadillos in my backyard?" Sir, you live in the center of a large metrpolis. If you want to go to jail, then by all means. Shoot away! ??

  • "Where can I find a cannon to get ducks off my lawn?" Seriously, this is the best one in the history of humanity. This man BOUGHT A HOUSE ON A LAKE. And doesn't like ducks on the bottom half of his four acres. So he's gonna set up a CANNON. And he's all crotchety and curmudgeon esque. Good lord, get a dog.

  • "Is it a problem that bees are 'growing' in my house?" Okay, this is actually tricky one. Does he mean a HIVE is growing? Because yes, that's an expensive problem best handled ASAP. Or does he mean he has MUTANT BEES in his house? Because he needs to see the guy with the cannon and ducks. Or the armadillo cowboy.

  • "How can I stop my oaks from making acorns?" Cut the tree down. DON'T PLANT OAK TREES. What???

  • "My grass is turning brown and dying. What can I do?" Um, wait until March. We live where grass dies in winter. I can't stress how panicked this guy was. OMG my grass!! MY GRASS!!!

  • from a walk-in: "How do I crack black walnuts?" He had a huge sack of walnuts, which I guess we were going to need for all of our experiments. I imagined some Rube Goldberg type contraptions involving the various taxidermied animals here for the Animal Control office, pruning sheers, and the cases of butterflies. Instead, I just told him to get a hammer. The contraptions would have been more fun, especially since I would have made the Pee Wee's Big Adventure music.


In other news, BORAT comes out today, whee!! Also, I'm going to write up a storm this weekend, which will please me greatly. I have more recs to post, but I'll wait until monday when all the remaining sitcomathon fics have come in. HAPPY FRIDAY, WHEEE!

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
trepkos
Nov. 3rd, 2006 06:43 pm (UTC)
Don't even get me started on the animal slaughter, but

"How can I stop my oaks from making acorns?"

stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:30 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. I know. People? They are not of the smartness all the time, that is for sure.

(And to put your mind at ease, our Animal Control picks up the traps and releases them back into wilderness.)
entrenous88
Nov. 3rd, 2006 06:44 pm (UTC)
Omg, I heart the guy with the bag of walnuts! Too bad you didn't get together and do like eighteen different ways, to figure out the absolute best way of getting them open! Then you could document it, and it would air on The Food Network under the title "That's a Tough Nut To Crack!"

Future episodes could involve unwanted acorns!
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:32 pm (UTC)
I would have loved to have had some Wonka Squirrels to tell me before I tried to crack them if they were going to be good nuts or not! But Daddy, I want one nooooooooooooow!

Oooh, that's a PERFECT FN show name, hahahaha! And there could be a shot of me in a tree telling the history of humans eating walnuts, then cut to the ACTION!
rahirah
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
To be fair to the acorn guy, I've heard there's some kind of spray you can spray on olive trees to prevent them from making olives.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
Could be (but why???) but fruit trees and nut trees aren't the same baby.

That olive oil (huh huh) is probablya winter-weight tree oil that keeps pollination from happening and is most likely a HUGE undertaking. (Spraying every 7-10 days during pollen season.)
... - rahirah - Nov. 4th, 2006 05:38 am (UTC) - Expand
midnightsjane
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
*giggles madly*
"Where can I find a cannon to get ducks off my lawn?"
Well, if he wants to really make the neighbours want to find a real cannon to use on him, he could borrow one of the propane cannons the blueberry farmers use here...big bangs, but the birds learn to ignore it. The neighbours, not so much..
People are very odd.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
PROPANE CANNON. Okay, that's probably what he WANTS! But for GOD'S SAKE! WHy would you buy a lake front property in Texas if you don't like DUCKS? It's duck season all year long! (Not hunting, just... they're ALWAYS HERE.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:36 pm (UTC)
The guy with the dying grass is from Hawaii. So. No. :D (I don't things die in Hawaii - they just get overtaken by other plants.)

It was a really fun morning, until the cat lady called. She was basically lonely and wanted to know how to make her cats be friends. I couldn't get through to her that this was the HORTICULTURE line, but... (We get a lot of lonely older people that just need someone to talk to.)
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Nov. 3rd, 2006 08:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
julia_here
Nov. 3rd, 2006 09:31 pm (UTC)
The question I still have not gotten a sensible answer to is how to deal with plum root-suckers. Because short of removing the top four feet of my soil, nothing works. And the cranky person who I last talked to at the master gardener's line just reamed me out for not mowing under the plum trees often enough to keep the suckers under control, and planting plum trees without understanding the hazard (Sir? You'll have to speak to the person who planted the damned things. Of course he's been dead since 1931).

I was once dragged over the coals in a garden forum for suggesting that the person who wished to find a way to keep garter snakes away from her yard would be better off working on her irrational phobias.

Julia, I'm sorry, but I'd just had to import garter snales after their winter den had been burned down in February, with the snakes in it.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC)
Well, the only thing I can think of about the plum suckers is to wack 'em with a hoe as soon as you see them. Anything else is going to damage the feeder roots, and as a result, damage the tree.

Could you put a hardscape where the suckers keep popping up? Like boulders, a thick gravel path?

People who are afraid of garter snakes that they'll most likely NEVER SEE in their garden need to calm the hell down. :)
... - julia_here - Nov. 3rd, 2006 10:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 3rd, 2006 10:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
demonqueen666
Nov. 5th, 2006 01:15 am (UTC)
"Is it a problem that bees are 'growing' in my house?" Okay, this is actually tricky one. Does he mean a HIVE is growing? Because yes, that's an expensive problem best handled ASAP. Or does he mean he has MUTANT BEES in his house? Because he needs to see the guy with the cannon and ducks. Or the armadillo cowboy.

OMG, you make me laugh so hard. MUTANT BEES...!!
domenowtrent
Nov. 5th, 2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
Totally unrelated, but I have some Questions regarding leaving the church. SHHH DONT TELL MY BISHOP.
stoney321
Nov. 6th, 2006 01:16 am (UTC)
*ZIPS LIP* Ask away! Will answer any and all questions!!
... - domenowtrent - Nov. 6th, 2006 04:42 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 6th, 2006 01:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - domenowtrent - Nov. 6th, 2006 10:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 6th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
scribll
Nov. 6th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
Very funny, now I know why julia_here refered me to you. I live in Houston and I've taken a picture of a beautiful blooming tree I can't identify. If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at the link in my lj and see if you can tell me what it is?

scribll
stoney321
Nov. 6th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
Hello!!! Julia sent me links to your post, and I was DROOLING at that beautiful garden. I want to say it's a type of Althea (Rose of Sharon) based on the flower, but I don't think that's right. I've contacted the Harris County MG office, and am waiting to hear back from them. I'll let you know! Oooh, I love a good plant mystery!

Good to meet you!
... - scribll - Nov. 7th, 2006 03:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 7th, 2006 03:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - scribll - Nov. 7th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - scribll - Nov. 8th, 2006 04:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 8th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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