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What phony dog poo?


Dear Owner of Large Dog that Leaves for a Walk Before Me,

It's clear that your pooch enjoys eating something the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex for breakfast daily, and has digestive problems as a result. I'm glad you DIDN'T clean up the poop on the sidewalk for the fourth time this week. Because obviously that would have killed you. And then I would have had something even larger to hurdle on the path. Plus, I assume your dog would eat your dead carcass, and you probably spent a bundle on a special burial plot, so WELL PLAYED, SIR.

Here's a tip: bring a fucking bag. Or take your dog out back before you go.

The world is not your pet's toilet,
Stoney




Dear Runner in Front of Sally and Me this Morning,

Man, those shoes are a goner. Toss 'em. Don't even try to salvage them, brohan. Just... I am so, so sorry.

Nose Pinchingly Yours,
Stoney




Dear Sally Von Shtupp of Zee Tail Thoomping,

You are adorable. Keep it up. (Especially the no barking/chasing/standing patiently next to me when dogs approach thing.) I'm sorry people are afraid of your size and breed. You're a sweet girl.

<3 <3 and :*,
*clap clap clapclapclap, clapclapclapclap* DOG MOM!





A letter to the editor this morning stated that The Passion of the Christ was no myth, that the Apostles obviously died as martyrs for Jesus (which, the crucifixion AND RESURRECTION are "the most thoroughly documented event in ancient history") because "People don't die for a lie."

After boggling for several minutes at the breathtaking crazy of that paragraph, I wrote this:



Dear Editorial Staff:

Frank _____ wrote in regarding the truth of the martyrdom of Christ's apostles and that "people don't die for a lie."

Obviously this means the 9/11 terrorists are actually in heaven with their 72 virgins, the Heaven's Gate folks walked their black Nikes up the gangplank on the craft behind Hale-Bopp, and the soldiers coming home from Iraq in body bags helped secure the WMDs.

~My Actual Name and Info


It's getting printed tomorrow. :)

Comments

( 58 comments — Leave a comment )
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adriana_is
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
Good god! I *love* that letter to the editorial staff!!!!

(bows and adores you)
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:34 pm (UTC)
Well, what the hell, you know? Talk about a sweeping blanket statement of untruthiness!

:)
major_thom4321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
To be completely rude.

A land mine doused with another dogs pee would probably fix the poo problem. Just a thought.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, I'd say being completely rude would involve me bringing a lacrosse stick and flinging the poo on the guy with all my strength while hooting like a monkey.

Hmmm.... Where can I get a lacrosse stick? :D
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southernbangel
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:38 pm (UTC)
Hahahahah, I love the letter to the editoral staff! GO STONEY GO!!

You know what you should do to the large dog owner? Leave brown paper bags of dog poo on his front stoop with a sweet note: "Ooops, looks like you forgot something on your walk! Wouldn't want you to forget something as important as this. Take care!"
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC)
If I could SEE HIM IN THE ACT, I would totally fling things at this guy. It's EVERY. DAY. Now, I get that once in a while you use up your bag. (It's happened to me - the Dog Poops Twice.)

Every day? CLEAN THE POOP, DUDE.
aimeelicious
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC)
You rock, indeed.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC)
I'm talking TWO FISTED size poops. Like, large man hand fist sized.

BLECH.
moosesal
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
Holy shit, babe. That's one hell of a letter to the editor. Wow. Good on you!

Love your other letters. Buddy has yet to poop during one of our walks, but I always have a baggie in my pocket just in case. I can't imagine not cleaning up after him. People are idiots.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC)
Today was the FIRST day Sally felt relaxed enough to poop on our walk (and I took her on a longer one today, so I wasn't surprised.) I finally got to use the bag that's been in my pocket for the past two weeks.

And like I mentioned above, there have been times when my pooch has gone TWICE. And I brought one bag. It happens. But EVERY day? Nasty. *scritches Buddy behind the ear* How's he doing? The barking getting under control some?
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xochitl42
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC)
You owe me a new box of tissues for making me sparf coffee out my nose.

I understand your torment in the world of Impossibly Monolithic Scatology. How can an animal produce something of those dimensions, day after day, without succumbing from internal hemmorhaging? I don't understand it either.

Consider a David-and-Goliath style sling, jerry-rigged from a handy-dandy plastic grocery bag. You stay clean, and you remind him not only of his obligation, but how to comply with his obligation. Heh.

As to icky shoe-ness--you could smell it from yards away? Eaaaghh!

Yay, Sally!

And, since I haven't busted it out in a while, regarding you Letter to the Editor:

Testify.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:31 pm (UTC)
*sends tissues*

And man, I am TOTALLY asking Santa for a portable trebuchet! *flings poo liek woah* Honestly, I'm surprised chimps haven't thought of that. *rubs chin*
entrenous88
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:08 pm (UTC)
That Frank! He must be a ton of fun at cocktail parties, don't you think?
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, RIGHT. I like how the whole point of his letter was to basically say that Mel Gibson is Teh Awes0m0rz and bring the TRUTH, yo!
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a2zmom
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
You letter to the editor is a thing of beauty. Unlike the dog poop. (You should get up extra early one day and surprise Mr. Stealthy and his digestively challenged pooch.)

As far as the shoes, A has worn shoes with large holes in the soles because he refused to buy new shoes. "But I like these". I'm sure the school thinks I beat him.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, they only think that because you do. :D My boy has jeans so ratty you could sift flour through the legs, but they are His Favorite. He looks like a bum.

(I think I might. I mean, HONESTLY. A Chihuahua could've been lost in that thing!)
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fishsanwitt
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
This reminded me of the time my mother saw a woman walking her dog in our back lane and the woman let her dog poop in front of our driveway and then walk off without picking it up.

My mother ran out with a bag, scooped the poop up and followed the woman home (she lived in the neighbourhood). When the woman went inside, my mother threw the bag onto her back step, so that whoever walked out would step right in it.

That woman has *never* done that again :) as far as we know.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
AWESOME. I've walked out onto my front porch and smiled at someone letting their dog poop on my lawn. They were totally going to ditch. But they didn't that day. :D

Man, your mom is all about the perseverance!
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themindseye
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
What kind of dog do you have again?

I used to be a dog walker so I understand completely what you say about the poop thing. It bugs me to no end when people don't pick up the poop. I actually had some woman come out of her house and thank me for picking up after the dog I was walking. And I know it can be gross but really you get used to it after awhile...as long as the dog poops solid. I won't even go into trying to pick up the poop of dogs with bowel problems or dogs with too much hair around their ass...you can imagine the problems. Ha! I think if any dog I was walking pooped that big I would probably want to pick it up so I could show it to people. I am weird like that.

Sounds like you are doing a great job though. After being a dog walking and seeing how some people treat their animals I get a little rabid about that.
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
She's a German Shepherd mixed with a touch of Great Pyrenees. (About 70ish pounds.)

There's a nice older man who walks his weetiny Chihuahua on my block and he has this big old pooper scooper, which cracks me up. He could carry his DOG in it. :D

And I know re: how some people treat their dogs. They either don't train them and the dogs are always frantic and out of control, or they go the opposite way, and it's just awful.
lettered
Dec. 12th, 2006 06:30 pm (UTC)
Awesome letter.

Lay down Sally!
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 06:48 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEEE! I've forgotten that song! I usually sing "Mustang Sally" to her, so I can't understand how I forgot Slow Hand!

:D
amybnnyc
Dec. 12th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
.... and every day, I fall a little more in love with you.

♥♥♥
stoney321
Dec. 12th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)
hahahaha - I HAVE LURED YOU IN.

*sets up more bait* :D
pernickety
Dec. 12th, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
AND RESURRECTION are "the most thoroughly documented event in ancient history")
I adore this statement so much, I actually had a moment of pure bzuh??? before the mad giggles set in.
Your answer letter is made of win, obviously.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
Dude, I KNOW!! I mean, first of all, WHAT?? The resurrection?? WOW. Not to mention the blatant disregard for the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Chinese....

Oh, people. Your stupidity makes me happy some days.
spikendru
Dec. 12th, 2006 08:52 pm (UTC)
You rock my world! Love, love, LOVE the letter to the Editorial Staff! (And love you, too!)
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, your ICON!!! Hee hee!

<3
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darthschrute
Dec. 12th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
Dear Stoney321:

Thank you SOOOO much for wasting my time with your unanswered letters that were just SOOOO important. This is you: "Hey, I'm big and important and have soooo many frieds."

This is me, NOT caring.

By the way, you might want to re-phrase that last letter because none of it is true.

Sincerely,
Dwight K. Scrute

P.S.
There is nothing wrong with being eaten by your domesticated animals. It serves you right for caging an animal in your overpriced home. Soon they shall breakfast on your haunches. *exhale*
darthschrute
Dec. 12th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
And yes, I know how to spell the words, "Friends" and my last name, "Schrute". So don't even.
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( 58 comments — Leave a comment )

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