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God (of your choice) help me. FIC POST.

This is what happens. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS when I am left to my own devices and LJ's quiet. This is the most cracktastic thing I've ever written, and... Well.

Title: Double Truckin' The Tricky Two
Author: Stoney, like ANYONE ELSE would- *sigh*
Rating: Not meant for Humans (Early/RON WEASLEY)
Fandoms: Squidbillies/HARRY effin' POTTER. You heard me.
Summary: A squid. His red haired Adonis. Or Athena. You cain't never tell with hippies.
A/N: It helps if you know that Squidbillies is an Adult Swim show about a rednecked squid family, with narration. And if you can hear that voice in your head. Or you know.. if you don't hear any voices in your head, that's probably better off in the long run. So help me, I can see Rusty Cuyler getting an owl to attend Hogwarts. OH MY GOD. Just... CRACK ahead. As in, in my mouth, being exhaled.



Double Truckin' The Tricky Two

~*~*~


Early Cuyler dropped his jug of pinecone mash and blinked. "What in the hail? Lil? Crystal?" Early eyeballed the opening to the jug and took a whiff. "Musta made this batch a'party liquor a bit stronger'n the other. Well," he sighed wearily and slithered up the marshy slope, "better charge thuh tourists triple. Now this is a fine how do ya do."

Early, a squid, had the distinct impression that he was no longer in Dougal County, Georgia. First off, the local citizenry of Georgia tended to wear little clothing. And what they did wear was of the Molly Hatchet concert tee-shirt variety. The people he saw scurrying about had on long black robes.

"This some kind a devil worshippin' place? I don't truck with no devil worship. Unless appuh-teasers and drank're provided, o'course."

Early checked his Bowie knife, slipped it under his tentacle, and slithered on, looking for hooch, rock-n-roll, and women. In that order. What Early didn't know is that he was now in a town known as Hogsmeade, just outside the school for magic, Hogwarts. He had come through a portal in the school's lake, made possible by his new batch of pinecone liquor and the lake's resident squid's loneliness. The latest "party liquor" recipe was actually a potion used to open doorways between locations, and the lake's squid had been swimming laps over the portal's opening.

Unfortunately for the Hogwarts squid, the portal was fatal for him. He ended up in the u-bend of a '64 Chevy's air compressor that served as a filter for Early's moonshine still.

[Cut to Sherrif dancing past] "What's this?" He tastes it and wobbles, eyes kaleidescoping. "Is that the piquant taste of almond? Keep up the good work, Early!"

[Cut back to Hogwarts, close up on Early's cap: My Other Hat's a Ferrari.] Early doffed his hat, exposing his reedy comb-over and waggled his eyebrows at a sweet young thang hurrying past in the street. "Well, hello there, little lady. Tentacle rides, two dollars!"

The girl, who incidentally was named Hermione Granger, hurried past with a barely disguised look of disgust. "No, thank you. Come along Ron. It's not polite to stare."

Ron Weasley, gaping like a fish, his flame red hair winking in the weak sunlight, stared at Early. For Early, time came to a stand still. Those full lips. Those large pop-eyes. That red, red flowing hair. In the distance he could hear a guitar chord, like the final notes of Peter Frampton's "Do You Feel Like We Do." Not since Early had gotten a glimpse of Crystal's "front butt" when the car wash's roller brushes manipulated her fat rolls had he felt such a stirring in his loins.

"Gerroffme! Gerroffme!" Ron grabbed weakly at his face, trying desperatly to pull the humping, thrusting squid off his cheek and nose. Early tightened his tentacles, his eyes shut, his lower lip caught in his teeth to focus all of his energy on his thrusting.

Hermione took out her wand and aimed it at the boy's face. "Ooooo! Ull kll mmm!" Hermione huffed and pointed anyway.

"Aguamenti!"

A jet of water rushed out of her wand and soused Ron's head and Early. "Whoo! Lookit me, I'm Flashdance! I'm a maaaaaaniac! Maaaaaniac. On. His. Head." Early thrusted in time to the song. If the Sheriff had been around, he would have applauded. After all, the Sheriff had modeled his entire uniform on Jennifer Beals' signature look.

Ron managed to get a tentacle off his mouth and screamed, "Don't wet him, remove him! Auuuugh!"

"Ronald, I'm trying but he won't -- Oooh!" She stamped her foot and tried again. "Stupefy!"

"What the-" Early didn't get to finish, as he turned to jelly and fell to the cobbled street. He looked up at his Titian princess, maybe prince, he couldn't tell when them damn hippies wore their hair so damned long. Ron was spitting and swiping at his tongue.

"Here. Chocolate's what's needed."

"I don't bloody want chocolate, I want a geyser to clean my whole body!"

"Ronald, be sensible. Have the chocolate." She pulled a Chocolate Frog from her robe's pocket and handed it over. Ron shoved it whole into his mouth while Early watched from the road. He got feeling back into his tentacles and launched himself back to his paramour.

"I always," he thrusted, "wanted to date," eyes closed again, "a Cajun. Gimmie that frog leg lovin, my sweet."

Ron screamed helplessly. Hermione pointed her wand and fairly shrieked, "Mobilicorpus!" She flung her wand's tip back towards the lake's edge, where Early fell with a plop. Ron sagged against his friend and breathed out, "I could only think of Alohamora."

It was enough to open that same portal in the lake as before, and Early found himself back against his still, deep in the mountains of North Georgia. Had it all been a dream? It's likely, given the amount of pollutants and chemicals dumped routinely in the back woods. But as Early slinked his way to Crystal's house, hoping to get a taste of White Treasure, he found a bit of chocolate inside one of his suckers.

"Come on over here an'... gimmie some uh that choc'lit." Crystal set down a deep fried turkey leg and made grabby hands at the squid.

"My queen asks, and who am I but her servant tuh- "

"Aw, shut up and feed me."

Early hopped up and made sweet, sweet - well, it wasn't love, and it wasn't sweet. Except for the chocolate, flecked with red hair. Which somehow had melded with Early's DNA - most likely the PCBs that leaked into the local water source - and were even now combining with Crystal's seed. It didn't seem likely, a squid and a 600 pound white woman making a child, especially one with a red-headed magical father that lived in a land far away.

But then, it didn't seem likely that Rick Neilson could carry and play a five-necked guitar. It's best we don't over examine these things.

[Closeup of inside Crystal - a missing bicycle, pan to the grocery store man pounding against her flesh, begging for release, and way in the back, a small, red-headed squid. With a lightening bolt on his head.]


TBC - ri' chere.

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
ladycat777
Jan. 9th, 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)
*screams and runs away*

*slinks back*

I... never would've seen this before, but actually? It kind of works. In a cracktastic fusion sort of way, but yeah. Working :)

Kind of a lot....
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!

I may already be writing the owl recieving/Rusty going to Hogwarts and getting into rednecked fights. Natch he'd be in Slytherin.
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thepiratequeen
Jan. 9th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
*sniffles*

That bought a tear to my eye. It was better then the middle part of the three guitar solo in Free Bird.
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 08:59 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! look at the keywords on the icon

Oh, man FTW! You're awesome.
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southernbangel
Jan. 9th, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha, I love your cracked-out brain!

looking for hooch, rock-n-roll, and women. In that order

Not since Early had gotten a glimpse of Crystal's "front butt" when the car wash's roller brushes manipulated her fat rolls had he felt such a stirring in his loins.

HAHAHAHAHA! I do believe I need a good brain bleach now but eh, the cracktasticness of the story is worth it.
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)
Heee! "Front butt" is one of the funniest white treasure-isms I've ever heard. (Mr. S and I decided that there must be White Treasure if there's White Trash.)

The CRACK. It consumes me.
xochitl42
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
I am so sad I do not have an icon that equals "terrified" or "out cold."

You are a sick, depraved, morbidly creative human being!

...Why do you think I hang out here all the danm time?

(Excellent job on writing dialect, by the way!)
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha. And 1) I don't write/like crossover fic. Well, there's THAT blown out of the water!!

*tickles you*
darlas_mom
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, God...can't...stop...laughing...

That is just AWESOME. I love it. For me, the best part is the U-bend of a '64 Chevy's air compressor, and the little redhead squid, but the whole thing is crackalicious. (Which beats out "fergalicious" by far)

And to think, I've only seen one episode of "Squidbillies." ("We want the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon!")
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, yay to the u-bend joke working for someone!

And Squidbillies - there aren't many episodes, but I love each and every one of them. "I lahk me some Dick Trickle!"
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entrenous88
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
Heee, omg, I haven't read -- I don't think I can read, because the one and only episode I have seen of Squidbillies was when they killed Santa! They were tossing around reindeer heads, and omg! *cries*

I'm sure this is totally hysterical, though!
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
Early Cuyler is one mean ess oh bee, so I understand your... avoidination of this here story. ;)
violethamster
Jan. 9th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahahaha! That's terribly wrong, but so right.

"This some kind a devil worshippin' place? I don't truck with no devil worship. Unless appetizers and drank're provided, o'course."

You've got some hilarious lines in there. That's my favorite!
stoney321
Jan. 9th, 2007 10:19 pm (UTC)
And in my head it's "ap-EE-tie-zurs" which someone makes it funnier in my brain.

It's amazing how PERFECTLY Rusty Cuyler fits in the HP world... *drinks more benzine*
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floweringjudas
Jan. 11th, 2007 10:43 pm (UTC)
...What the HELL. *cries with laughter*

Dude, your Ron and Hermione were spot on.

I am going to have to rec this.
stoney321
Jan. 11th, 2007 10:53 pm (UTC)
WHEEEEEEE!!!

I've been writing Rusty in Hogwarts all day long, zomg. And he's been sorted into Slytherin and longs to be in Gryffindor, wot?

YAY.
beadattitude
Jan. 17th, 2007 12:51 am (UTC)
As a naytive Geowrgian, ah tayke a mite bit of excepcion to your flagrante mockin' of the pore folk what live in the mountains. Up in Nawrth Geowrgia near whar they have that Young Harris where Ol' Zell "I'm gonna commit Hairy Kairy on national teevee, goldanget, with nuthin' sharper than mah brain" Miller hails from. Ewe cain see the kinda deficientcy they havta opperate under. They cain't helpt it. They cain't. ::ties to look noble with out teeth in:: And it ain't rayght to be maykin fun o' the brainpanishly challenged, bless their squishy little hearts.

Ah think the likker chaynges their dee eyn ay somewhat. Probl'y how that short feller got all them extra....limbs.

That sayid, yer story was raight funny. ::slaps you hard enough on the back to readjust your spine and smiles winningly:: ::with a mouthfull of chaw::
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2007 01:44 am (UTC)
Hee hee!!! Now. You do get that this is based on a show, Squidbillies, written and produced in Atlanta, and voiced by Unknown Hinson, who - aside from having the BEST HILLBILLY NAME EVER - is also a native of North Georgia? :D

Hie thee to YouTube and watch, my friend! Srlsy - So. Damn. Funny.
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( 35 comments — Leave a comment )

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