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First the joke (it's my form of Dutch courage): A husband and wife were drinking wine and relaxing when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad." The wife thought for a second and replied, "Your penis is much bigger than your brother's."

*deep healing breath*

Okay. I have a confession to make. This isn't easy, but this is a goal I set for myself - to put everything I'm afraid of about myself out there. If people drop off from reading this journal as a result, then I can be strong enough to accept it. Ooookay.

The easy stuff first:

  • I have a serious (and unexplained) crush on the kid with the blindfold that puts the Rubix Cube together in that commercial. That "Haha, I did it!" smile when he sees he fixed it? I'm fourteen and pushing my glasses up my nose and hoping to bump into him outside of our shared Physics lab. You shut your judging mouth!

  • I also have a serious (but explainable) crush on Supernanny. Her low-class accent, her hair that really needs a trim (oh, honey those dried and frail ENDS! *clutches pearls*) and her no-nonsense approach that is completely welcoming and loving? Maybe I have a mother fixation. Ain't no "maybe" about it. Also, I bet she gives awesome hugs. Mmmmmm.

  • Last night I flipped through my satellite channels and caught "Saturday's Warrior" on the BYU channel and I ALMOST WROTE PAM/JIMMY non-con twincest quad porn. I'm CRYING WITH LAUGHTER right now, mostly because NONE of y'all get that, except for maybe my sister and floweringjudas. Just... just follow the link. It's a Mormon propaganda MUSICAL about why it's okay for Mormons to have loads of kids. (Imagine Springtime for Hitler, but less Jewwy.) (Also, please note how the LDS church compares this BABY-MAKING MUSICAL to literature like... BEOWULF.)



On to the hard thing. I... I watch "Wife Swap." YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I know. I know it's crap. I can feel every single brain cell that holds mathematical formulas and periodic table data crying out as they are squashed to death, so I don't want to hear it. But let me tell you something: I don't care, because of episodes like LAST NIGHT. Oh. My. GOD. (Well, not my god, because I defy him and all His works.) ((Oooh, side note. Last week was a heavy metal rocker family from Texas and a MENNONITE family from Wisconsin. That was also cracktasticly wonderful.)

One family: San Franciscans, urbane, cultured, meticulous in their appearance and home. (The husband is a professional stylist, the mother a PA for the Day.)
Two family: Iowan farmers. Their children do NOT GO TO SCHOOL. Um, notice I didn't say that instead, they were HOME schooled.THEY ARE NOT SCHOOLED. At all. Teenagers. Um, kay. But the kicker? They eat EVERYTHING RAW. This is not the Hollywood raw diet of loads of fresh veggies and fruits. This is: slaughter a chicken, cut the meat up and EAT IT RIGHT THEN. Also: they do not wash their hands. The cutting board. The counters. The floors. The shower. Let me remind you that they LIVE ON A FARM. Where they milk COWS AND TEND GOATS AND CHICKENS. And then go in and EAT without WASHING THEIR HANDS. That have been on teats. And hooves. *pukes*

So here's WHY Filth!Family doesn't: bacteria is good and healthy.

And... they're right. To a point. *uses my Microbiology degree for the first time in ages* Only 1% of bacteria is harmful. The rest is normal flora and keeps you in balance and yes, is good for you. Which is why in MY home I refuse to use "anti-bacterial" soap when I WASH MY HANDS. Because that 1% of harmful bacteria? Well, it can kill you. (E. Coli any one? um... STAPH? Tetanus is the most painful looking disease ever, and that's in SOIL and on FARM EQUIPMENT. ...I get my Tetanus shot every NINE years, just to be safe. Good lord.)

What the HELL, people? Poop! Poop under fingernails!! And they use their hands to mix their raw milk curds *gag* with what the hell ever else in these Mason jars that are EVERYWHERE (oh my god that house was DISGUSTING) and they have to drink keffir every five hours or they get sick and just... *hands* That poor city woman. She had to live there LIKE THEY DO for two weeks.

Here are some of the highlights on the crazy! (I ran on the first commercial break to grab a notebook. I alternated between scribbling like crazy and covering my mouth in horror.)


  • Filthy!Family eats 12 - 15 raw eggs a day, a piece. Raw MEAT. Raw meat, people. Oh, some of it is left in jars and stuck in cupboards to become "high meat" after several MONTHS. *woozy*

  • No cleaning products, because it kills the bacteria - and bacteria is your FRIEND (and the kids are isolated on this farm, so.. yeah. I imagine the kids naming the various fungal cultures on the SHOWER CURTAIN. (I worry about the 15 year old boy striking up a hot romance with a botulism ring on the sink drain - she's never going to leave her family, kid.)

  • toothpaste is made of BUTTER AND CLAY (even 19th century people used mint leaves and willow bark, dipwads!) Every one of them had gingivitis, btw. And grey lined gums. BLEH.

  • You can't use insecticides because they (the INSECTICIDES that apparently have brains) don't know if YOU are an insect or not and will kill YOU*

  • families must be prepared for the APOCALYPSE and have a one year supply of food in the pantry (pfft. Mormons teach TWO years, you wimps.)

  • The kids, who are wan and grey-faced, have NO FUN. They work on the farm all day long, which (according to their mother) is their school and all they need to know. (!!!!)

  • did I mention the fungal growths on the shower? That... is supposed to be health-inspiring? *pukes* There is literally shit every where. There is a GOAT wandering in and out of their house. Jars filled with... stuff every where. Blankets that aren't washed and towels and EEEEEWWWWWWWW. The Clean!Mom sat on the very edge of everything. I don't blame her. cannot imagine the courage it took to find somewhere to sleep in that filth.

  • when the Clean!Mom puts her foot down on the raw meat, and forces the Filthy!Family to go to a normal restaurant and eat COOKED food, they all get French fries. *eye roll*

  • ...which makes everyone get "cramps." Which makes the dad BAWL like a wuss, I mean, that was the most theatrical crying I'd ever seen from a man, and I used to do musical theater, people. He was sliding down the (filthy) wall next to the (filthy) toilet, throwing his arms over the (filthy) commode and wailing how this was "killing [his] children. It's killing them!!" Dude, one night of fries ain't the enemy. The poop on that toilet seat, however... GROSS. *Karen Silkwood showers*

  • The Filthy!Wife (who looks like a polygamist) is in SF trying to throw out the Stylist!Husband's Gucci and Armani. WHAT ON EARTH. He does not let her. Also, she LICKS THEIR FLOOR. To prove that she won't die.

  • She LICKED THEIR FLOOR. Then did a sarcastic eye roll and said "oh, no I'm dying from the gerrrrrrms." Woman, you are gonna die from my foot up your ass. Oh, the Clean!Dad has a moment alone with the cameraman and is obviously perplexed and asks, "Who just goes into a person's house and licks their floor? This woman is insane!"

  • Later, Filthy!mom gasps and theatrically struggles to "use her words" to tell the cameras that she "got a whiff of bleach from your CHILDREN'S BATHROOM** and that was hazardous to [her] health." Also, later she explained that without raw meat and sour, clumpy milk (I did not see these farm people eat ONE GREEN THING. Aside from their "high meat" oh, GAG) there was no "fat in [her] brain, and [she's] having a hard time choosing... [her] words." *insert theatrical blinking and staggering.*

  • When Clean!Mom gets home, she cleans EVEN MORE. Uh, YEAH. And her family is adorable. Her oldest boy is quite the dapper dresser at 6 - he actually TEARED UP when Filthy!Mom told him he had to wear Dickies overalls while she was there. Hahaha.

  • Filthy!Family is a bunch of freaks, and I still cannot get over the dad screaming and crying because Clean!Mom wanted to clean up the mess. I cannot stress enough that there were JARS OF MOLD and caked on junk on EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE of their little dilapidated farm house.

  • Filthy!Dad used my most FAVORITE ARGUMENT as to why their lifestyle was good and just: "do you think God would put something on this earth that will harm us?" FOUR SYLLABLES, DUMBASS: URANIUM. Want another? PLUTONIUM. One last four syllable rebuttal: OTHER PEOPLE. I eyerolled so hard, I'm now looking down my esophagus.




* this is just false. Insecticides don't just kill everything in their path, they are selected by WHAT they kill, firstly. They kill by attacking insect systems, like neurotoxins, or metabolic systems. Oh, also: follow the fucking instructions, people. If you dump a gallon of Dursban on your roses and you get half of it on you, you'll get sick. You won't die, though. End rant.

** the SF children are going to DIE because their mother kills all of their bacterial friends with bleach and dusting spray, according to Filth!Mom. She likes this whole "think of the CHILDREN!" angle. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. This woman is kah-ray-zee


EXHALE.

So, that's it. There's my big confession. I watch crack TV when I could be finishing a book (Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, in the original Middle English - fun!) Or breathing open-mouthed. Or hitting my head with a hammer repeatedly.

What, you expected me to reveal that I'm a hermaphrodite? That's going to be my birthday present to you!! (In case you couldn't tell, I'm still in a terrific mood. Yay!!!)

And I bet you feel a need to clean yourself after that, huh? *passes the bleach*

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petzipellepingo
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:10 pm (UTC)
"do you think God would put something on this earth that will harm us?" FOUR SYLLABLES, DUMBASS: URANIUM. Want another? PLUTONIUM. One last four syllable rebuttal: OTHER PEOPLE. I eyerolled so hard, I'm now looking down my esophagus.
Lead, asbestos...the list goes on.
And I bet you feel a need to clean yourself after that, huh? *passes the bleach*
Can you hook it up to the shower? I'll stick to the unsanitary Roman days, thank you very much.



stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC)
Wait, you WANT poop and vomit in your streets? I'll stick with the sanitary days of Now. Hee!
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sweptawaybayou
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:13 pm (UTC)
omg. i can't believe i missed that one!!!

I love Wife Swap. It is just so very, very wrong it can't be helped. It can only be waaaattttcccchhhheeeeddd.

:)

Damnit! Now i have to wait for reruns.

*rolls your eyes back*

**smooches**
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:18 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!! Did you see the Pagan family and the religious motorcross family??? (And the Pagan family's kids were the NICEST. CHILDREN. *beams*)

Oh, the CRACK. I should feel shame, and yet...

Hee!
brandil
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
I worry about you. Then I worry about myself more because I read what you wrote about that shit you watched.

I think mouth breathing would have been a better option.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
Woman, don't you do it. DON'T YOU MOCK ME.

Because I beat you to it, nyah nyah. *mocks self* And WHATEVER: that show is pure crack. First taste's free! :D
dancetomato
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
As someone who knows a thing or two about confession I have to tell you: Some sins are better left unspoken.

*scrubs myself raw*
*awaits your apologetic slathering of me with rich yummy smelling lotion*
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC)
I will sin you up, woman. I WILL SIN YOU UP. (pretend that makes sense. I'm all giddy because it's sunshiny and nice outside)

And I'm now singing like Rod and Tod Flanders: Oh I've got joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart! Who? Down in my heart!!

*slaps some cream on yo ass with both hands*
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thepiratequeen
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
*DEFRIENDS*

Heh. I won't go into some of the stuff I watch or some of my crushes. I'm not quite ready for that yet. Suppernanny is pretty hot, yo.

You know what , Bridget? I love you just the way you are.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
EH. MEH. GEHD.

Heeee! And awww. Let it out. Let those crushes out. (Srlsy, I &hearts: Supernanny!!) *makes you blue soup*
darlas_mom
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
OMG "Saturday's Warrior!" I remember that! I'd forgotten about it until you mentioned it just now, but I know what it is! I went to Mormon private school for a year, remember? I also went to two months of seminary--which should be called cemetary, as you go at five o'clock in the damn morning to be brainwashed and everybody's a zombie ;-)--and my Mormon best friend's mom was a singing/piano teacher who made her daughters (and me if I was over at the time) do the soundtrack from that damn thing. Which is how I know Lex de Azevedo was a composer for it.

Annnnnd I am simultaneously horrified and enchanted by this episode of "Wife Swap." It sounds so digusting and vile and full of crazy people. I have this cavewoman (or perhaps Roman noblewoman) instinct that draws me to look at it in morbid fascination.

(Incidentally, I have watched one episode of "Wife Swap" myself, with the CRAZY-ASS Christian woman and the earth mother-y Wicca mom being switched, and I almost cry with horrified laughter every time I remember how she came home and started screaming at her daughters about Tarot cards and how they didn't pray for her and blah blah blah. It's like a train wreck. Or something. I'm running out of metaphors.)
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't believe you know about Saturday's Warrior!!! hee hee! I remember singing "Line upon Line, Precept on Precept" for an audition for The Wizard of Oz. And there's your random fact for the day.

Wow on the Tarot Card/yelling mom! I didn't see that ep, as I am a new convert to the crack, but ... convert I am. I'm all evangelical about it. IT IS SO INSANE AND OBVIOUS and makes NO sense what so ever, I... *hands*
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solipsiae
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:37 pm (UTC)
My face contorted so much while reading this. High meat?

HIGH MEAT?

I... there are no words. I kind of wish I'd watched this. How do people like that even know to apply to be considered for a reality tv show?
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
<-- the only appropriate raw meat
HIGH. MEAT.

It was green and grey, and the WHOLE TIME they kept trying to say you should eat raw food I was WAITING FOR SUSHI. Of course, where are you going to get sushi in Iowa? Oh, ANGIE. People are gross and wrong and I like watching them.

And yeah! I didn't see a TV in their house, either, so they must have been nominated by a local villager or something. Hahaha.

(Hi hi hi!!!)
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sdwolfpup
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
*collapses in your arms, sobbing in relief*

I watch Wife Swap, too! I have for months and months. It's on our DVR. I WAS HAPPY TO SEE IT RECORDED LAST NIGHT. I haven't watched last night's yet though. God, it sounds awesome awful. And the double-header with Supernanny? That's my Monday Lineup, baby.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, T!! *holds you, pets and soothes* Shhh, shhh, let it out. Let it alll out.

DO NOT TRY AND EAT WHILE YOU WATCH. Oh, Supernanny!!! She helps this single dad who is devasted by his divorce (and a full time parent) and I teared up time and time again.

I am so glad I am not alone!!!!
violethamster
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:02 pm (UTC)
I used to watch Wife Swap all the time, until I finally realized it was going to give me an aneurysm one of these days from all the impotent fury. It's like seeing pictures of famine victims in National Geographic: "O.M.G.!!!11 Stop taking pictures and give that kid a fucking sandwich!" instead it's "O.M.G.!!!11 Stop filming and call CPS!"

And Supernanny rawr. Nothing pisses me off more than incompetent parenting and she just...makes it all better!
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
oh my god, you and me BOTH. She makes everything better and puts her foot down! Then hugs everyone and calls them darling. Hee!

Yeah. I don't know how much longer I can watch this show. It's INSANE. On PURPOSE! But next week looks pretty entertaining... <-- omg, someone stage an intervention!
wickedgrdn
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
As someone who lives in Iowa, I am deeply shamed and embarrased, LOL. Thankfully, I live in the civilized part of Iowa. Where the frilly heck do these people come from? As a sidenote, I to have succumbed to the crack that is Wife Swap. Love that show. ;) *hides*
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:45 pm (UTC)
Well, just because they're FROM Iowa doesn't mean they're representative of all Iowans, obviously. Just like Bush isn't a correct rep. from Texas. Because he's not Texan. :D

This show is UTTER CRACK.
wolfshark
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
*scrubs brain with bleach*

My house is a mess, but, but, but...

*scrubs more*
poshcat
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
I figure as long as I don't have jars of mold sitting around, it's all good. :0D
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leighm
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:46 pm (UTC)
This is LMAO. You wonder how people's brains ever got conditioned that way to think that beyond filth was okay. Is there a colony of these germ- inducing people somewhere? In Iowa?

I work in a hospital, I know it's really a haven for germs with all the sickness floating around in it but one day, these people's immune systems will totally crash and they'll all die in their sleep or something. GROSS.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
I just don't understand it. I mean, I remember back in the 80s when the "make your own yogurt for the cultures are blessed, yea verily" craze, but this is INSANE.

And yeah - the GERMS. Good fucking hell. Not event he bio-med waste dumpster at your hospital is as gross as this house was. EWWWWW.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:48 pm (UTC)
WHATEVER, BETH. That joke was kind of funny. Also: where is the Saturday's Warrior love, huh?

WE NEED TO REOPEN A LIST. I only want to play Will in Celeb. Jeopardy, tho. I want to play Tom more, because of the INSANITY. And Donatella. GO PLAY!
poshcat
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
Hee! I thought you were going to confess that you were a lesbian and moving in with your girlfriend who is going through the divorce.

Supernanny is totally my reality TV girl crush. I love it when they all cry when she leaves. The parents are always so shocked when her RX is for the family to have more fun and actually enjoy each other.

I watched Wife Swap once, and that was more than enough. I know my limits, fo sho. Seriously, don't you think Family Services or whatever they have in Iowa will step in now? OMG, they're like one step away from the X-File episode with the limbless mother under the bed.

Maybe Riley Finn can come save them and kick that dad's ass, too. :0)
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
"I thought you were going to confess that you were a lesbian and moving in with your girlfriend who is going through the divorce"

Somewhere in Toledo, Ohio, my husband just orgasmed. HAHAHAHAHA

I love how the kids fall in love with Supernanny, too, and I actually WORRY ABOUT THEM, because of her never being there again (because they all want her to live there forever.)

I really REALLY hope CPS shows up in Iowa and straightens out that family. I mean, they are just steps away from all the crazy religious weirdoes that make their kids live on water to purify their souls and crap like that. I felt horrible for CLean!Mom who kept crying, saying how sad for these kids were, and how powerless she was.

RILEY FINN!! Oh, I would pay for that episode!!!! (and hugs to you, and so you know, I'm hoping you know your LJ friends care about you, cookie.)
sweetumms33
Feb. 20th, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
HAHAHHAHAHAH. I have to start watching this show. My god, this country has the WEIRDEST people. Sorry can't stop laughing. I'm a bio major, and I get that bacteria is good for you, but dude, what the hell is that woman talking about? I love the crazies!

And frankly you probably made it even funnier with your commentary. You should tape this stuff, and when your kids are teenagers and moaning about how weird you are, you can show them stuff like this!!

stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, this show is a rip-off of the UK version, which was equally WTF + three parts OH MY GOD and put in the insanity blender. Just... JEEEEZ.

I WILL show them! I can point out that I didn't make them live with goats and kill their pets and eat them RAW. O_O
leila82
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:05 pm (UTC)
*dies from the Salmonella from the raw eggs EWWWW*

I think I'm going to puke just from reading the description of Filthy Family.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:51 pm (UTC)
Okay, I can't believe I'm going here, but. Salmonella is reduced if you raise your own chickens (like Martha Stewart! haha.) BUT. I can't imagine these filth pots abiding by the cleanliness required to reduce that type of organism on their farm.

AND YEAH. Ew ew ew ew. I cannot fathom how you can live like that. *hands you a bag*
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bitchygrrl
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:27 pm (UTC)
Okay I totally watched that because i saw an add and it looked to good to pass up. The Filthy family was batshit. I mean being close to nature and natural is one thing but they were just nasty, and not schooling the kids. That was a damn shame.
Also I watch Top Model, since we're confessing
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)
You know, in one of my micro-organism courses we learned about a study done on "mountain men" who looked greasy, dirty, and lived off the land. When they were brought "off the mountain" and cleaned up, shaved, etc. they ALL got sick. Which showed the importance of a normal flora. So, they did condition their bodies to be used to their environments, which I need to remind you: was on a PRISTINE MOUNTAIN. Among greenery. And fresh, running water.

So, these Iowans who lived on the prairie with goat shit and chicken shit (which, next to pig shit is the most digusting thing on the planet, GLEH) are not even in the SAME CATEGORY of natural. Feh.

The not schooling their kids made me shake with rage.
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a2zmom
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
I am amazed that they let that poor woman swap with those crazy loons. I would demand one of those hazmat suits before I went within 200 feet of crazy germ loving family. And where's DYFS?
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
I bet the cameramen slipped her some hand sanitizer. :D Robin, it was INSANE. The clean mom was totally crying about having to be there, about those kids being brainwashed into thinking that was an acceptable way to live...

And I would have QUIT after seeing that house. Nuh uh. No way I would have stayed there, and I'm a camper that can comfortably live outside with a knife, some matches and rope and not much else. EW EW EW.
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gillo
Feb. 20th, 2007 05:59 pm (UTC)
That is GROSS. Arguably it serves you right for watching such stuff, but no, no-one deserves that.

Yay for Chaucer, though. After that I think you deserve some nice, relaxing sweet little story. Miller's or Reeve's, I think.

Do you read Chaucer's blog, BTW? If so, you might recognise my icon - Gower, who is ane wankere...
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC)
CHAUCER'S BLOG?!? Oh, please, do link! Or rather, telle me al the condicioun!
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harmonyfb
Feb. 20th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC)
Ok, my confession: I'm an indifferent housekeeper, at best. Please don't look too closely at my kitchen. Ditto the bathroom. I hate cleaning to begin with, and I have three children. Nuff said. My kids have eaten their fair share of germs and not died, though I've felt a bit ill when I see the toddler chow on something they scavenged from behind the sofa. :P

However - I am a fanatic about food bacteria. We don't leave food sitting out long, we don't eat anything that looks in any way iffy, I refuse to let my kids lick the cake batter bowl because my god, woman, salmonella, etc, etc. And you better fucking wash your hands before you come to the table. ::shudders:: I got the creepy-crawlies, just reading your description of that family's home.

Also, I have this thing about education. Those kids are going to grow up to be Leatherface, you just watch.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:11 pm (UTC)
*sporfles over the Leatherface comment* Dude. That completely trumps my Children of the Corn joke. *slow clap!*

And you know, there's a difference between reality of having kids, animals, and tidying up enough to not get people ill and living in squalor. I met a neighbor on my walk this morning (oooh, she has potential!) and she commented that being a housekeeper, mother, and gardener must be a lot of work. My response? "Not the way I do it, hahaha."

Re: food germs, YES!!! Ditto on bathroom germs. Now, this chick's mentality is that they've built up a normal flora to this stuff, but I challenge them to let ol' dad get a dose of Lockjaw and let's test their "yogurt cures everything including diabetes" theory.

(Oh, and I thought of you when a few eps ago they had a Pagan family that had the NICEST CHILDREN ever, and swapped with the BRATTIEST children ever. The pagan kids were smart, funny, well mannered, and just adorable. Aww! A good representation on TV finally!)
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floweringjudas
Feb. 20th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
*hoark* ohgod. Another girl on my flist posted about Wife Swap last night, and...uuuuuuuuuugh. *joins you in wooziness* Is it not ILLEGAL to not have your kids go to school? Am I making that up? ...Could they read?

agh. High meat. I seriously just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also HAHAHAHAHAHA SATURDAY'S WARRIORS. Okay, I am PROUD of the fact that I have never ever let myself sit through that entire movie. Even though my roommates during my freshman year TRIED to make me. It SUCKS.

I ADMONISH you to write that fic, Laura. Because. *clasps hands, eyes shining with LIGHT OF GOD* You need to MAGNIFY your calling as a crack writer. And develop the talents as a writer that God gave you. *wobbly-voiced* And I know this is true, and I know my roommates were true, and I know those bikers who fixed my car and gave me a place to stay when I had a flat tire last weekend were true and that they were really the Three Lamanites (because GOD they were hung!) and I sayeesthingsinamejischristamen.
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
OH LAURA YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT YOU JUST HAVE TO!!!! It is SO PERFECTLY cast as a representation of the BYU theater department/stake roadshows and is just... OH YOU HAVE TO. It's HILARIOUS. There's even the staging of the Pre-existence, with unborn children begging the questioning Jimmy to not turn his back on the Church!

I'm dying with laughter.

I LOVE YOUR storymony TESTIMONY and am filled with the light of Christ, which means we must have been good friends in the pre-existence, Laura. It was meant to be. *beams and makes ribbon Jell-o dessert unto you, yea verily*
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stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:16 pm (UTC)
I love Jo - she can take the good and take the bad and take them both and whip every body into shape and leave them with charts and "reward coupons." Heeee!

And I have NO IDEA why they haven't been reported, but I bet it happens after being aired last night!! EW. Ew ew ew.

*tickles you to make you laugh again, because that's always better*
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southernbangel
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:17 pm (UTC)
I just threw up. Seriously. I had to leave my office and ran to the bathroom.

DEAR BABY JESUS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:21 pm (UTC)
:O

*gives you a mint* I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. I almost emailed you last night to stop what you were doing and go WATCH THIS SHOW WITH ME, because WHAT ON EARTH?????

Oh, that poor, stylish family in SF having to deal with that lunatic in their house. No wonder Clean!Mom went insane with the Lysol when she got back. BLEH.

Here, have a cookie. *choves a cho. chip cookie in your mouf*
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xochitl42
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
I...I'm still twitching. How incredibly brave of you to watch the whole thing. I think I would have passed out.

I'm going to wander off in a daze, now... (I need a "horrified" icon...)

And...and...high meat. Oh everlovin' snotwipe of armageddon doom what the hell are these people THINKING.

I gotta go shudder now...
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
I consider this to be a Public Service I perform. 1) it's proof that most of us are doing MUCH BETTER than we think (when you compare yourself to the Crazies from Insaneville) and 2) I suffer and bring the funny slant to the insanity so you don't have to! Heee!

HAVE A COOKIE. It'll help. *sugars you up*
domenowtrent
Feb. 20th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
Last week a girl we don't know came over to our apartment to invite us over to watch Saturday's Warrior and we made up shit to get out of it. OMG, when I was little, I watched that movie obsessively. I think that was because we never had cable and it was the only VHS we owned for years.

But omg. Jen/Jimmy. .__. JIMMY OH JIMMY DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!
stoney321
Feb. 20th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
Yo know Jen's all sweet and "godly" just to lure Jimmy to her ladybits!! Line upon Line she's brekaing him down, getting him ready to put his precept on HER precept.

AHHAHAHA. If I believed in Hell, I would SO be going there right now. Hee!

I HAD THE SHEET MUSIC. Autographed. By the ORIGINAL CAST. Wait, I think I still have it...
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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