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DO NOT WANT.

Okay, I'm just going to put this out there. I know we're all supposed to be "tra la la" and not voice opinions for fear of the internet lawyers coming down with e-suits to cart you away to... fake jail, but I'm going to. I AM GOING TO. If it takes:
  • a moldy mascot costume
  • a hole cut over the genitals of that costume
  • someone else in a similar get-up
  • Sheena Easton on the HiFi (I'm throwing that in there for free)
  • a cheap plushy won from a local carnival, worn out from your sweaty night-time needs
  • to get it up, have one off, bust a nut, pop the wad, release the hounds, flog the frog, choke the chicken, jerk the gherkin, split the log, tap the eel, clean the gutters, dip your wick, hide the salami, trim the hedges, yiff the kitten, plug the taco... YOU ARE BAD INSIDE AND I MAKE FACES AT YOU. I am making a face right now of "EWWWW"ness and it is because you are NOT normal. You are not okay. Bad. BAD WERIDO!

And now I'm imagining some sweaty, pimply sad sack with four hours left until he has to get back to the server farms to update the new Cisco routers, standing in a room with two other people clearly not interested in him while he's wearing a Pepe Le Pew costume with a field hockey net over his dong, holding a hamster-shaped buzzing vibrator and a tube of lube while whining, "If y'all aren't going to focus, we might as well not even do this. COME ON, PEOPLE. I can't get off without all the steps performed!"

NO.

Also... were we all aware of HorseFucker being "married" to a SHETLAND PONY??? As someone on F_W said, NOW we're dealing with beastiality AND pedophilia! NO. No no no. STOP. IT.

Opinon #2:

If you are contemplating a WATER BED so you can SCREW YOUR HORSE FACE TO FACE and factoring in the weight your FLOOR BOARDS can withstand, you have gone too far, sir. TOO FAR, I say! Okay, you went too far at the whole "his wife? A horse" bit. NOW YOU ARE JUST TOYING WITH US.

Finally, I really REALLY liked the pilot episode to The Riches, with Minnie Driver (good hell, she's gotten thin!) and Eddie Izzard, although I can't place what sort of accent he's doing, aside from Newscaster American. No matter, the show is FASCINATING. Like, the gypsy version of The Sopranos. I'm hooked.

Comments

( 69 comments — Leave a comment )
redbrickrose
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC)
O.o. There's more of the horse thing? I thought the horse thing was done with. I lost way too many hours of my life to the wank about that the first time a round. I didn't really want to read it, but I just. couldn't. look. away. *shudders*
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
There is, but just cursory information. Mostly, I'm just taking a stance on Furries and the like.

I AM TAKING A STANCE!
brandil
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:28 pm (UTC)
Riches was good eh? I'll have to check it tonight it's running after Dirt. The previews have looked very good.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:31 pm (UTC)
VERY good. The accents were... unplaceable, but since I think most people don't know a Bayou accent if it bit them in the ass, it's a trifling.

VERY intriguing and holy HELL is it dark in places. Southern American gothic, trannies, thievery, comedy... Yes, please!
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gillo
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:28 pm (UTC)
I'm living a sheltered life. No, really, I don't mind. You don't need to explain all this to me in detail, honest.

Ring? That's just pathetic.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:32 pm (UTC)
I WON'T. It's not the RING that was the final kicker, it was him contemplating a SPECIAL WATER BED FOR HIS "BRIDE."
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ladycat777
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:30 pm (UTC)
You know, furries on the face of it... don't bother me. I mean. They aren't my cup of tea. But then, when I told a friend that I wrote slash fanfiction she said "is that like a furry thing", so. There's that.

But. Oh my god but. Like anything there are levels to never take it and that shatters those levels and laughs at them from twenty more down.

People are scary. I don't like them.

Well. I like you :)
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
And I like YOU! But I'm just putting my opinion out there re: furries. NO. HAHAHA.

I mean, Skinwalkers are something different, because that's a cultural/spiritual thing for Native American Indians, and isn't sexual. Thinking you're a wolf, and you're from, say Omaha, and you need to channel your "wolf spirit" to get an erection while staring at a crappy pencil drawing of a she-wolf? IT SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH EFFORT. *hyperventilates*

Hahahahaha.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)
I. KNOW. I have to keep calling Chrissy and telling her all the craziness on the internets, and then I wonder why she's not using her LJ I made for her.

Heh. PEOPLE! Quit it!!
violethamster
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
And that would be reason #1 I contemplate changing my username. Wow, was I naive when I joined the internets.

Horseguy's "wife" needs to go Farrah Fawcett one night, kick over a lantern in the barn and run.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 02:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, you and me both.

And I love how he argues with someone (after they told him how he FAILS at LIFE) that his horse has kicked in the door of his house to comfort him at his bedside when he was sick and IF THAT ISN'T LOVE, THEN WHAT?

Um... my guess is you didn't feed your horse, you don't lock your door or the stall gate, and she came looking for FOOD.

NO. No, sir. Stop it.
fiveandfour
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:08 pm (UTC)
I think it's probably a Really Good Thing that I can't click that link right now. There was a time about a year ago that it was a Saturday morning and there was a link and I KNEW it would lead to nothing good, but I had nothing better to do...and hoo boy, was that one of the scariest sites I've ever seen. I still can't get some of the comments I saw about screwing dolphins out of my brain. (I mean, dude, first of all what did the sweet little dolphins ever do to you to deserve that kind of treatment?) ::Shudder::

Some sexual perversions I can almost understand - the brain goes haywire somewhere and takes a left turn, but the perversion can at least be traced back to something I can kinda' get. But furries? I don't get at all. It's like some part of these people need to cling to childish things, things that made them comfortable as a child. But in general childish things aren't sexual things so...WTF?

And now I'll never be able to see Pepe LePew the same way again ;-).
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:12 pm (UTC)
GAH THE DOLPHIN SEX. (Actually, David Brin, sf writer, has put that in his books!! DO NOT WANT.)

And I'm completely onboard with you re: haywire/brain/trauma/childhood needs. WHAT. HAPPENED. TO THESE KIDS. Did the "bad touch" doll come to life and molest them, too???
chantal87
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC)
I like to think of myself as a pretty open minded person. Everyone has their own bullet proof kinks.

You want to fuck your Teddy bear or your very own stuffed Mr. Gordo well bless your heart don't let anyone stand in your way.
But marrying a horse is just way beyond what my brain can comprehend.

It has me baffled.(that isn't as easy as it sounds)

That's what I call an Old Fashioned fucking freak show.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:37 pm (UTC)
I mean, I do too! I like to think that I can tolerate/understand/look the other way for a lot of subversive shit. John Waters and I could hang, in other words.

But NO, FURRIES. Even the biggest dorks in the land mock you. Horsefucker just needs to be put down.
leila82
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
ARGHHH!!!! I'd just managed to wash this little sordid Internet saga from my memory and now...HE WANTS TO BUY A WHAT??? TO DO WHAT??? aslkfjs;lkdjf !!

And of course, I read the comments in that link, and this one slayed me. Someone asked:
I am unsure as to how things can go so... wrongly... as to want to marry your horse? How did she say her vows, with no powers of human speech? What preist or judge would preside over that marriage? ... You gave her your ring, but what did she hand back to you?


Dude's answer?
I think all things considered such a commitment is a human ceremony and I would wager she was indiffrent but she stood there and rested her head on my knee. I would like to think she knew it was something special or atleast did it for me. I laugh when I look at the state of the world... we probibly take our marrage more serously than most people do looking at statistics anyway.


*headdesk*
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
THIS PERSON IS BROKEN. Like, utterly and beyond repair. We shoot racehorses with broken legs, we should be so kind to this freakshow!!

I mean, COME. ON. The horse rested her HEAD on your knee, so OBVIOUSLY she wants to be "married" to you, because yes. She's understanding like that.

!!!! NO. FAIL.
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_tayler
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:20 pm (UTC)
Word!
O.o
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love how wrong (and so right) your icon is.

<3
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killerweasel
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:29 pm (UTC)
...

I had to look, had to read because I was having a very hard time picturing how big of a waterbed that would need to be for... *shakes head*

But it's a small horse and...

*rubs temple*

How's he going to get the horse on the waterbed? Or is he going to...

*makes face*

I've hurt my brain now.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Oh, here. Let me paint you a picture. *g*

So, he clears out a stall in the barn, which I'm sure is better cared for than his home. He installs some mood lighting, a stereo with some Barry White on a constant loop (or maybe "Save a horse, Ride a Cowboy") and has the construction crew build the special bed into the floor of the stall.

He paints his dick to look like a carrot and clucks, while reclined on the water bed and waits for his wife.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?
melbournegirl
Mar. 13th, 2007 04:43 pm (UTC)
Have you seen the Sarah Silverman Show? Her neighbours are literally Big Gay Nerds!
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA, I know! I like how they're all scruffy and gross, not polished and buff like all TV gay men have to be. :D
darlas_mom
Mar. 13th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
Shetland pony? Well, that explains at least why he's not afraid of her eventually going into estrus and tearing him to pieces. (Menstruating horses are DANGEROUS.)

I really liked "The Riches," too. Except I think that part of my review got lost in the face of me getting really excited about the commercials for "Grindhouse." I couldn't place Eddie's accent, either. Actually when a friend of mine called during the show, the following conversation took place:

angelofthenlght: Hey, honey, whatcha doin'?
darlas_mom: Nothin' much. Watching the pilot of "The Riches."
angelofthenlght: Oh, that looked cool. How is it?
darlas_mom: Well, I'm still in the first twenty minutes, but so far, really good. Eddie's American accent's not great, but otherwise...
angelofthenlght: He has an American accent in it?
darlas_mom: Yeah, he's supposed to be Southern.
angelofthenlght: ::cracking up:: I did not notice that at all in the commercials.

Also, I now want an icon of Eddie and the kids lined up by the RV for the cop with the word "Leprechauns" on it. ;-)
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I forgot about the Leprechauns bit! I'm REALLY looking forward to next week - such a great set up. So dark and funny, which is an A++ for me.

SHETLANDS. They are actually assholes, so... But still!!! Miniature horse fucker! NO.
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lettered
Mar. 13th, 2007 05:12 pm (UTC)
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Funny, I thought her breath smelled like horse estrus.

Is your cat a horse fucker? Hahahaha. I'M SORRY. I apologize.
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crevette
Mar. 13th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
OMG!! HORSEFUCKER IS BACK!!!! HOW DID I MISS THAT??

My brain... it hurts...
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:44 pm (UTC)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?!?! I say he's wanting to get found out. He's claiming that his mother even wonders if the foal the horse is carrying is her SON'S.

NO. Sir, you have gone too far. TOO FAR!!
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southernbangel
Mar. 13th, 2007 05:52 pm (UTC)
Horsefucker, horsefucker, I love you. . .

What is WRONG with people? I don't get furries AT ALL but hey, if it floats their boat, rock on. BUT ACTUALLY FUCKING ANIMALS?!? There is not enough W.T.F. in the world to cover that messed up shit.

Thought about putting her on my insurance but the vet dont take blue cross.

WOT?!?
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
I KNOW! I KNOW. Oh, the INSURANCE. Oh my dear fucking god, this GUY.

And you know, I'm not even going to go that far to say *shrug* to the furries. If you're having to be something not human in order to get/maintain an erection, something was amiss in your upbringing, and maybe some therapy would help.

Or maybe the person went into puberty all over their 10 cent Tweety Bird carnival toy, and thought that's how it's supposed to be?

GOOD HELL, LEE.
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moosesal
Mar. 13th, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)
I don't think you can really use the pedophilia claim, because the pony isn't necessarily a baby. I once confused pony and baby horse and got a whole lecture from my mother. *rolls eyes*

Did you have to take us all back to the horse fucker? I used to like you, you know. I have a weird interest in furries (as a concept, not an attraction thing), but the ones who are actually into bestiality instead of costumes squick me. That may be my only real squick.
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 07:48 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, Sal, I love you. Yes, I *did* have to take you back there. If one drowns, WE ALL DROWN. (hee!) I would be willing to hear your thoughts on furries. Beastiality is just too much for me to handle. It's like raping a mentally challenged person. Except at least the animal can defend itself with teeth and claw if needs be.

I can't believe I just typed that sentence. (And I know about the pony/colt/filly thing, I'm just reprinting that line because I think it's funny.) I was going to give my son a David Brin book (The Uplift Wars) to foster his burgeoning sf interest, but then remembered the dolphin fucking in there, and that might just send him over the edge. *g*
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semby
Mar. 13th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
Noooooo! I could have happily gone on with my life having forgotten that the horse fucker existed, and now this. *gets to work on wiping it from my brain once again*
stoney321
Mar. 13th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
*checks to make sure your scroll button works*

Mmm hmm. You are the captain of your own ship! *whispers: hooooorse fucker* hahaha, I AM SORRY. Here, have a pouncing kitten, full of glee! *points to icon*
kita0610
Mar. 14th, 2007 03:14 am (UTC)
Minnie Driver has a horse face.

I'm just puttin' that out there.
floweringjudas
Mar. 14th, 2007 04:06 am (UTC)
Someone alert FurAffinity! There'd be a coupla guys there who wouldn't break up with her on Oprah.

...And maybe get her a WATERBED. Woo!
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( 69 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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