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I have given leave to my child Stoney, for she is without strength in her body, yea in her limbs.  She has touched the Spirit and it has weakened her, even unto consuming of the Coke-a-Cola and unto the chips of tortilla, and they have been fried to a delicious crispness and sprinkled as with salt.

She has been about doing The Work.  And The Work is of a tiring nature for it involves speaking to the flock, and the multitudes.  And they are weak minded, even unto being called Simpletons.  For they do consume many pork products, which thus sayeth God are unclean.  Especially when they are wrapped in corn bread and fried and placed on sticks and left out to come to room temperature, which my son Leviticus didst speak unto you about earlier.  And when they are consumed with over-priced colas and served with popcorn, woe unto those that are carrying an extra 100 pounds.  For they will sweat.

And on this yesterday didst our prophet Stoney speak unto the multitudes.  And she spake at the Convention Center which is downtown, and was filled with the Devil.  And the Devil was disguised as Snake Oil salesmen who told the people that they had products to make their lives easier.  And mesh covers for gutters, and hard coating for fences that maketh unto them an ugly site unto the Lord.  And tchotchkes that should be burned at an alter annointed with oil to make a pleasing fire unto the Lord.  For Precious Moments figurines are not pleasing unto me, yea, they maketh me want to send a plague of something to wipe out their creepy big heads with eyes that round in a most unpleasing way.

And the people were afraid of the words the prophet Stoney had.  They were afraid, yea that she would causeth them to open their monies and cause them to spew forth.  But she yelled at the money changers, for they did want to charge a transaction fee for the taking of her own money.  But she did speak unto the people and did instruct them to not overwater their lawns.  Yea, and to not put plants that do not belong in the clime of Texas, and things unto this.  Mostly she spake unto the removal of fire ants, for they are not of God, but are the spawn of Satan.

And lo, as the meeting did begin to close, the people began to see that she spake the truth, for she did not want their money.  She did, but only if they won the lottery and were of heart and mind to share, but that is not important now.  And on this day she did heed her own words and lay down 20 cubic yards of manure unto her garden.  And it shall flourish, thus sayeth the Lord.  And with the laying on of hands, most likely by her loving mate, she shall rise again for another day to spread the word of growing your own tomatoes and roses.  For I am the Alpha and the Omega, and my god, if you read this far you are a true friend.



Comments

( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Spewmakers
For they shalt increase the sales for Diet DP, yea, even unto this quarter. For thus sayeth the Lord, Diet DP is a drink that shalt flow like honey and milk, but not as sticky. And with the rising cost of milk production, his flock shalt have release, yea, even unto their pocket books for drinking of this sweet nectar.

Hush, my child. Thou shalt partake of my bounty. If thou dost trvel and make a pilgrimage unto me, I shalt give all of my kingdom unto you. And you shall be taken into paradise, even that which is the State Fair. And unto you I say: thou shalt be filled with mixed drinks, and eateth of the Mexican food, and all shall be right in your world. Amen.
elcazavampiros
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Blessed are the Spewmakers
And the people said: Amen!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:27 pm (UTC)
Blessed be the Husband of Sue
For he shalt not be granted a space onto the computer, yea, verily shalt he wait until her time has past and he should be granted the screen and the keyboard and unto his hand the mouse with the two clicking sections.

Thus sayest the Lord: when thou shalt make a pilgrimage unto my Holiest of Lands, yea Texas, and shalt put aside the wickedness of your Gomorrah, also known as Oklahoma, thou shalt be blessed. And unto thee shalt the beer and the cheese and meat covered bread, even the Quesadillas, unto thee shalt they flow. And there will be much rejoicing.
elcazavampiros
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC)
Re: Blessed be the Husband of Sue
Yea, shall the wife of Caza mistakenly post to the journal in his name.
She has therefore informed him of her error.

As it is written, the wife shall verify under whose name the LJ is logged lest confusion ensue.
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:12 pm (UTC)
blessed be the feeble brained
For they shalt cause my amusement and be my special children that I will cleave unto and grant special treats, even unto the chocolate that shalt be hand fed unto them. And again, I say, the Diet DP shall flow unto them as the waters from heaven.
likeadeuce
Sep. 19th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Blessed are the Spewmakers
in the name of Jesus Christ!

I notice that crazydiamondsue has not taken the golden opportunity to confess her love of Precious Moments. (ducking)

glad your gardening thing went well (if in fact, that's what this is about?)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 07:04 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Virginians
For they shalt remind my flock that they should have kept their knees locked and their bodies pure with a twist on the word. And I would admonish my children to read unto them the writings of Carrie, mine own child, who hast blessed us with tales of love and woe, mostly woe.

And the gardening symposium was a delight unto the multitudes, and if thou wouldst read thine email, thou shalt see a tale therein giving unto you the words which I have spake, and giving unto you a description of that time. And amongst those words are words of courage unto a reader of essays, yea, even unto the reading in front of ex-loves. Be ye strong of heart, and filled with liquor, thus sayeth the Lord.
grifyn
Sep. 19th, 2004 02:57 pm (UTC)
And Grifynicus did find that Stoney was more possessed of levity than she, and did half-heartedly smite her with a rock, thus pleasing those lesser angels more sophomoric in their mores, but not at all pleasing unto the Lord, who smote Grifynicus with a large kielbasa, and declared her unfit to remain in His sight.

And lo, Grifynicus wandered the land in her raiment of burlap and unnatural materials that breathed not in the fierce desert winds, much like Caine from Kung Fu.
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:34 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Weak.
For they fall helpless before the computer and dost amuse thy lord with their wit, yea even unto the losing of breath. But I am immortal and shalt not pass before thee.

And those that throw rocks unto my servants shall be patted upon the back, and the laughter shalt ring in their ears, for 'tis a good joke, and the Lord dost love humor. Why didst God not create unto his world the Republicans if not to give unto his Chosen those for which to mock?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:38 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Corn Dogs
Yea, unto the house of Fletcher. And they shalt be sold at the gate of the fair, at the foot of mine own servant, Big Tex. And though his speech is stilted, like my servant Aaron, brother of Moses, he shalt speak my wisdom, even unto the greeting of the multitudes.

And thou shalt purchase waffles covered in cream and strawberries, and though thou mayest shout at the heaven, My God! It is a sticky food and it is 90 degrees! Canst thou not bring unto us something on a stick? And your cries shall not fall upon deaf ears. And I shalt provide unto my children sausages, crocodile, jalapeno and even unto the fried cheesecake. And it shalt be as thou hast prayed, even on a stick. And there will be much rejoicing. And heaving.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:52 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Hungry
For my tabernacle, yea my own State Fair shalt feed you. Your tired and broken bodies shalt be given fowl upon their own bones, and they shalt be injected with butter to cause you the use of many napkins.

And there shalt be cakes of funneled dough with a coating of sugar. And if thou art a child, thou shalt bounce as if thine mother had given unto your tiny body an IV of medicines that dost cause great bouts of energy, even crack.

And thou shalt cool thyself in Mine own auto show. And thou shalt sit upon the chairs of the luxury vehicles and see features which are new and exciting. But do not venture into the other buildings, for they are forbidden unto you. For they art filled with hucksters and salesmen who shalt try and sell you new windows, even unto thine own home. And thou shalt not need them, nor shalt thou need yet another piece of exercise equipment, dost thou?

And if thou hast saved time and money, the Midway calls unto thee, and begs of you to ride the spinning ride shaped like an octopus, and the dragon roller coaster. If thou hast been wise, thou wilt wait unto the riding of the Texas Star, my greatest of works.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:00 pm (UTC)
blessed are the Eagles
For they dost soar unto the heavens and circle about in lazy circles, then dive with a most fierce shriek. And I have witnessed the greatest of birds, the Bald Eagle swoop and take away the minion of Satan, yea, a Pomeranian. And it wast glorious in my sight.

And thou shalt taketh thine children to the Flying Frisbee Dog show, and see mine own hand in making them pick up the flying disks in a pleasing manner, even unto the order that they havest been thrown. ANd the hearts of the children shall turn to the fathers and asketh, "do it again." AND THEY SHALL.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:09 pm (UTC)
Blessed be the Artificial Sweeteners
For they shalt give the illusion that weight is being lost. The Lord maketh no promise to the having of Sweet and Low, but wilt give unto you Splenda, for it small doses, it dost truly taste like unto my creation, sugar. Which, quite honestly, I the Lord did think wast perfection until Little Debbie made unto itself the Star Crunch.

And waistlines grew and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth by my women, who were beautiful in mine eyes did complain of the cushions I provided for their comfort. And I shalt say unto you, yea even my servant Fer: I shalt smite the wicked, even unto those that have an ass unto them that is smaller than their shoulders, for it is not what the Lord intended.
cityphonelines
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
Yay thou I walk through the valley of the... ah phooey!
Who needs church, I've got Stoney and LJ to sermon me.
Ahhh...Sermon Sunday, baby!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 03:56 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the lazy
For they are filled with rest and have savest unto them the energy to consume my heavenly spirit, yea even unto the drinking of tequila, mixed with lime. Perhaps a splash of Thrice Sec to round out the flavors and make it pleasing unto me and mine own children.

For thou art wise to not dabble in the sacred language of my Father. For it becomes all consuming and shalt keep you from doing divers things. And people will wonder at your use of divers and not know that it meant other and shalt be amazed at your frightening capacity of Biblical language.

Be not afraid, for thou I speak in strange tongues, know that I am your Lord. Of the dance.
cityphonelines
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:40 pm (UTC)
The carrots...
You got this stuck in my head from the beginning. Can't take credit, it's from a Tool album:

And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possesed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus.
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:10 pm (UTC)
Blessed be Jules (and carrots, verily)
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

But fear not, for I the Lord have grown weary and do not smite people as I once did. Oh, I may smite one or two, but I havest not "laid my vengeance" since my Chosen people were beseiged by the Romans. So fear, but not greatly. Thus sayest a tired Lord.
cityphonelines
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:36 pm (UTC)
Re: Blessed be Jules (and carrots, verily)
You forgot to add that you're a bad ass muthafucka!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 06:02 pm (UTC)
Blessed be the plum, juicy asses, and not in a Biblical sense
And thine ass shalt be kicked from unto me, and the strength of mine own kicking shall shake the very foundation of heaven, thus sayeth the Lord.
spikesbint
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:07 pm (UTC)
I read it to the end. I love it when you do the bible speak. I can imagine you thumping on a pulpit while I read it.

have you heard of this LJ? It's very irreverant to St James, which some people might take offense too, but I am thinking not you. They friended me the other day and I just had to check it out.

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=james_translate
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:19 pm (UTC)
Blessed be my servant, James the Elder but not Appearing so
Have I not granted unto you One who can walk on water? One who can turn water into wine? One who can raise the dead? Didst not the Lord thy God give unto One who can bring about Everlasting Life? Yea, my servant James was given unto you for a time, and shalt bring unto a blessed few that have partaken of alcoholic beverages and are in the front row of a concert Everlasting Life. Or at the least, a pleasant way to pass a quarter of an hour with the blessings and poer that I have bestowed upon him, mainly in the groin area.

Canst thou not look unto him and see the face of God? Canst thou???
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 07:15 pm (UTC)
Blessed are the Guatamalans
For they brighten mine own child's LJ with pictures of my Own Begotton Son, James. And there shall be heaving of the breast at his sight.
vincitveritas
Sep. 19th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)
wow, i understood what you were saying and laughed at the same time. but i am extremely tired and imagining you saying this in rev. lovejoy's voice. mmm... corndogs.
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2004 06:59 pm (UTC)
Blessed be the Weiners
For they shalt adorn my servant's favorite child actor's shirt, and there shall be much rejoicing.

And blessed be my servant, Reverand Lovejoy for providing much laughter unto mine ears.
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )

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