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When life gives you lemons, read bad!fic!

First off, happiest of birthdays to my Susi Q! beadattitude is year older, and I hope that your day is lovely, that Jeff takes care of weirdness that crops up with the remodel, that you have delicious sweet tea just like back home, and a nap with the kitties. :)

Second of all, big thanks to those that offered commiseration yesterday. Gah. I spent the day outside in the garden and reading entrenous88's latest fic "Safer" which is a MUST READ for those who like dark fic with bad cops and young boys. *bites knuckle* Seriously, Entre is a master at both the hotness and descriptions that put you right there with the characters. Fantastic.

But let's face it, you're here for the bad!fic. I would like to throw out that I found dark fic for the Home Improvement fandom (who knew?) that has had me crying with laughter. Because... TIM TAYLOR. A drunk, abusive, his kids on drugs and cutting themselves while working at hot-topic [sic]. And getting girls pregnant with their second babies (?!?!) at the age of 16. Did I mention the alcoholism and drug abuse? And how during all the emo woe, Wilson is walking around with a pot to obscure the bottom part of his face? Ahahaha! This is in, like, four fics in that fandom. Oh, people. Never stop making me laugh.


In the "We Shouldn't Use Our Chemistry Homework To Create Names For Our Characters" Category:
Jadeite and Malachite.

Names I would like to see in the sequel:
Ironite, Molybdenumite, Dynamite (She's the loose cannon) Chlorite (a salty wench) and Sulfite (Sulfite is such a stinker. He's the "Pig Pen" of the gang)


Ah, nothing like chemistry jokes. Unless it's the "I Don't Think Bodies Work Like That" Category:

  • She was a vision. She looked urethral, like a young goddess. I'd like to see her and Sulfite hook up. What with how he stands erectal, they'd be stunning.

  • A string of harsh coughs bursts from his chest surprising him. I'd say so! It surprised Kane when an alien draped in spaghetti burst from his chest, too.

  • There was a strange presser she felt building within her body. This is one of those fill-in-the-blank comments you get to make! Interactive bad!fic is all the rage, dontcha know. (I'm imagining someone leaning against an elevator button inside her with an erector set under his arm)



How about some "Phun With Spelin g Gives It A New Meaning" Category?

  • She was standing at the edge of some precipitate

  • She clutched it to her chest for a minuet (Unfortunately, it only knew how to Foxtrot)

  • When he fist entered the forest (No walk to the door and goodnight kiss after that? For god's sake, did he even use lube?)

  • In the throw of passion (I keep envisioning Ben Stiller in "There's Something About Mary" when the dog comes at him and he ducks, tosses the dog out the window and pops back up all confused." But during sex instead of a dog attack. Hahaha.)

  • barley knew each other (Yeast of all enough to hops into bed. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)

  • What dose being a witch mean? (This is one of those Zen question. What dose indeed? *pulls out remedies chart*)



Ah, Romance. I'd forgotten you.

  • He wanted to call out her name, but he couldn't recall what it was.
  • (Ahahahaha.)
  • fear-wet cunt (WOW.)

  • after climaxing, the heroine of one tale goes off to do laundry, like immediately. And she's all happy. Ah, hanging sheets out while he slumbers...

  • he sank the full length of his hard, thick inches into her cunt and burst through her cervix (Oh, we were told earlier that he was two and a half inches "thick". It's the dedication to detail I appreciate.)

  • she screeched her pleasure as fear and fullness mixed for a literally mind-blowing experience. O_O That's... that's messy.



Now's your chance to scroll!!! ZOMBIE BUKKAKE.


What on EARTH, people. What!? I'm not even going to GO into the maggots and where they were. GAH. But I will share this:

Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

Dammit, fic writer! Egon Spengler said DON'T cross the streams!! "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." "Total protonic reversal." "Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon."

GOO? Clearly that was written by a 13 year old. Either literal 13 year old, or mental 13 year old.

Comments

( 79 comments — Leave a comment )
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darlas_mom
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
...where in God's name do you find this? Who moved the rock?!

"Fear-wet cunt." "Streams of goo." Gah! ::scrubs brain::

Although..."she looked urethral." Freak that I am, I'm sitting here trying to imagine what that might look like.

::pets:: You are funny. These are not. Conclusion: thank God we have you to read them before our unsuspecting minds come across them. Our eyeballs could get sucked out of their sockets!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
I think there's a connection between looking urethral and a fear-wet cunt... *rubs chin* Clearly I need to introduce these fanfic writers to each other!

:D
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brandil
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:41 pm (UTC)
oh god.

I needed that.

stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
Man, me too. The bad!fic pleases me.
chantal87
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

Good Lord....That was a sentence of beauty.
bad!fic Beauty.
I am in awe.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
Seriously! And now I've got all sorts of Ghostbusters quotes in my head. "Nimble little minx, isn't she?"

"Did you guys see the pole? I think we should stay here! You know, sleep here tonight!"

Are you the Keymaster? no. *she leaves* Are you the Keymaster? *nods* Yesssss!
redbrickrose
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA. That's definitely what I needed this morning. Bad!fic is awesome. *g*
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
It totally makes the world go round. *loves you all up*
wolfshark
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:58 pm (UTC)
Heee! You have to wonder about some people who write and slap it up on the internet. I mean, I'm not the best writer in the world, but at least I can *spell* and I have some idea about biology!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:28 pm (UTC)
Gah, that seems to be the way to go, in most fandoms! Jot some notes in between lab and PE, then text it to your website/fanfiction.net and away we go!

I know I'm standing on the edge of some precipitate when I say that, too...
poshcat
Mar. 29th, 2007 02:59 pm (UTC)
>>Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

I always hate it when that happens.

Also, isn't that the money shot in a couple of clips on my porn filter???? LOL!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
30 feet! 30 FEET!! The muscle control in those zombies, my heavens!!

(And... their dicks come off in their hands. So they continue to shake them back and forth like a can of beans in a bluegrass band! WHAT ON EARTH.)
entrenous88
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
Awwww, Dynamite is an awesome name!

Then again, I was thinking this morning that "Lump" is a cute name. For a cat, though, amirite?

Whew! Those badfic writers. They keep me going, I tell you!

Also, thank you so much for linking to me/reccing my story! I really appreciate that.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC)
Pshaw! I liked it, I want people to read. *beams*

LUMP! Heee, that's a TERRIFIC cat name. Amirite is a wonderful villan-name, as well. :D

The dark fic, J! THE DARK FIC! Tim freaking Taylor. I love it. (And why Hot Topic for a job? Such specifics...)
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beadattitude
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
OMG, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. More than usual. This was a most excellent birthday prezzie. I mean, zombie sperm cloud canon penises? And WHY are people so scared of them? If they were zombies, wouldn't their zombie bits uh, fall off with the force of their....ardor? I'm sorry to be so, uh, biologically correct in terms of force vs. necrotic flesh? Ew. Uh, vegetarian for me today, then!!! And some sweet tea with lemon!). Dayum.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:36 pm (UTC)
oh my gosh, look at my comment to Posh for further discourse on how the zombie cocks came off, yet they kept shaking them like maracas!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OH MY GOODNESS!!! And that tea with lemon will clean away all the zombie ickiness. :D
elisi
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard... And now I have to go spend time with my 5 y.o. trying not to burst into hysterical giggles every time I remember this... oh dear.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:48 pm (UTC)
*beams*

My work here is done, it seems. :D
aimeelicious
Mar. 29th, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)
You broke me with bad!fic at WriterCon last year, so I figured, how much worse could it get?? HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG!

There are some gems here for certain. Someday I should really start a running Word doc where I compile all the stuff I come across, because there is certainly enough of it to keep us laughing for the next millenium. HAHAHAHA my boss is going to fire me if I keep making these snorty noises.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:02 pm (UTC)
Oh dude, this is SO TAME compared to the other stuff I've found. (Hit the bad!fic tag for the other twenty some-odd posts, should you want to find out for certain. *G*)
cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
Mah jaw. It's hangin' open.

Dood, Egon knows best, but does anyone ever liste? Apparently not.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. People! pay attention to the classics!

Also, random but you will appreciate this: I am listening to both Neneh Cherry (Buffalo Stance) and the soundtrack to "Tsotsi" which is awesome French/Zulu hip hop. (You want me to zip and up it for you?)
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nyghtpet
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
I was reading along, eating an apple and minding my business, but when this came along?

fear-wet cunt (WOW.)

I choked. Literally. WOW indeed.

And as for the semen interpretation of the fountains at the Bellagio...please tell me that was like, Harry Potter or something. Because I like to think of my 30-foot high semen clouds to be used for a purpose, like semen spells and semen potions.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)
Fountains of Bellagio!! Hahaha. (At least you didn't have images of the "dancing fountains" at DisneyLand.)

And no, it's not from HP, although that would be hilarious. It's from a Zombie Bukkake fic entitled: Zombie Bukkake. o_0

SEMEN SPELLS. Ahahahahahaha.
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ladycat777
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC)
I, um. Kind of just fell out of my chair. *wipes away tears*
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)
*gives you a donut for your chair since you have an ouchie bum now* Hahahaha!
a2zmom
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
All I can think about is some poor fictional female whose cervix was ruptured due to an unfortunate altercation with a 2 1/2 inch thick penis.

The horror.

Ah Stoney, you have made my day just a little sillier.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2007 04:46 pm (UTC)
Isn't that hilarious!?? The details people stick in their fic... I love it.

*squish*
lettered
Mar. 29th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
In my weakened menstrual state, this post just makes me want to cry.
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2007 02:32 pm (UTC)
DUN CRIE. Rejoice that you've not written a fic where zombie cocks come off in your hand, that your lover forgot your name during coitus, and climax makes you think of getting your whites whiter!
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( 79 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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