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FIC - RPS, Will/Sacha R

THERE ARE NO HARRY POTTER SPOILERS IN THIS POST. OR MENTION OF DEATHLY HALLOWS. EXCEPT FOR THIS LINE.

Title: Five Times Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen Kissed When They Didn't Have To
Author: Stoney
Rating/Pairing R, You read the title, right?
Disclaimer: This most likely didn't happen. Maybe. (Video of them actually kissing.) Well, the jury is still out. Any semblance to real people or events means I did a super awesome job here. But this is all made up. Possibly. (another video of them kissing)
A/N: Thanks to gillo and savoytruffle for the French, all other mistakes are mine. And feel free to leave comments. Or rec. Or send me brownies. I'm easy. Apologies to Franzia "wine" makers. But come on. It's wine in a box, people.



~*~*~
Five Times Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen Kissed When They Didn't Have To
~*~*~


1.
The first time they kissed was actually not for a scene rehearsal as Sacha had indicated in an interview. Adam McKay, the director, had thrown a party a few days before shooting with the purpose of everyone getting hammered and relaxed around one another. Andy Richter, John C. Reily, Will and Sacha had all ended up in the hot tub with a few bottles of scotch around 3 AM. John had been laughing about how he was the only principle that didn't kiss anyone, so Andy had tongued him then showed him a "brain child" while they all laughed - Andy had ridiculously huge balls, and that was meant literally - and Sacha and Will kissed as well. It had started off as playing around but went on a few seconds longer than a joke kiss. Will's leg actually floated up to the surface towards the end.

Sacha made a joke about how it was funnier when a male-to-male kiss was so long it made everyone uncomfortable, and John, jaw dropped, had agreed that it had reached that point. Will just took another swig of whiskey and uncurled his toes in the water while Richter explained to John how gay men were the new lesbians.

Will checked his shooting schedule the next morning and saw he would have to wait a month before they shot the kiss scene.


2.
Sacha had been right about Will coming over late one night, drunk, wanting to "prepare." Sacha had just stepped out of the shower and was drying off when there was a knock at his hotel suite. From the muffled voice, it was clear that Will's face was pressed against the door while he sang from R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet masterpiece.

"Whoooo the midget faints again...while Town 'n Sylvester is trippin...the midget is the baby's...daddy....whoo."

Sacha finished toweling his hair dry as he walked to the door. "William, I cannot believe you would come to my door and sing that wretched song. Now if it had been Color Me Badd or Jodeci..." He dip snapped and dropped into Ali G's voice, "Booyakasha. Me wants ta hear Fatty Bum Bum, a'ight?"

Will stumbled in when Sacha opened the door. "I'm not gonna lie to you, man. This is a booty call."

Sacha, laughing, led him into the suite. "What the bloody hell are you doing here, mate? Let me get some pants on.".

"Oh, you're not gonna need any clothes, Sach. Not if I do this right. Unless you have a thong or t-back, or banana hammock or something mesh. Mesh would not go amiss here."

Sacha looked over his shoulder and saw Will fumbling with his buckle in a comical manner. He switched to his Borat voice, dropped his towel and held his cock at the root, giving it heft. "Is nice! I use your man pussy before bed? Is not gay if I on top. Or if we are related."

They both laughed and Will flopped on the sofa while Sacha got dressed. Will started singing the same song from before, but in his Robert Goulet voice. "Here we are. The four of us...In total shock... Me and my bitch. I closed my mouth and swallowed spit, and I'm thinking to myself, 'This is some deep shit!' Goulet!" Will cracked up and kept on, but with a Neil Diamond impression.

"So I killed the midget and I made a pair of shoes out of him. Wear them on stage every time I'm in Tallahassee to remember the good times. I think I'm having a heart attack from all the meth I took with my keyboardist, Jimmy..."

Sacha sat down next to him and handed him a bottle of water. After an hour long discussion about the shooting schedule in which they sank deeper and deeper in the cushions hiding their yawns behind fists, they had ended up shoulder to shoulder looking at a script Sacha had written and was waiting to get a green light to begin.

"This is going to be huge, Sacha. When do you start filming?"

Sacha stretched his arms high overhead, arching his back; it was very late. "In a month. Once we're done here and I can grow the facial hair, in other words."

Will rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch. "Gah, it's getting late. I should go."

" Wait." Sacha crossed to the bedroom and grabbed a blanket and pillow and tossed them on the sofa. "Just stay here. It's too late to drive home."

Will's face broke into a huge yawn and he rubbed his eyes again. "If you're sure... Nothing but drunks on the highways right now, anyway. Thanks." He stretched out with a groan and pulled the blanket up to his chin. Sacha came back into the room a few minutes later after brushing his teeth and shut the light off.

"Good night." He bent over and gave Will a frank kiss on the lips. Smirking, he went back to his room and to bed. Will licked a touch of toothpaste off his lip. It took him longer than he expected to fall back asleep.



3.
Sacha unzipped his fire suit and fanned the zippered edges to cool off. He knocked on the door to Will's trailer to see if he had anything cold to drink. His own trailer was at the end of the lot and it was already in the 90s. The heat was coming up off the tarmac in waves; the sound of the race cars on the track was almost deafening. He knocked again. Will shouted, "Come on in."

"William. Please tell me you have something cold to drink in here." Sacha pulled the top of his suit down, picked up Will's script off the side table and fanned his bare chest.

"You done shooting for the day?"

Sacha, nodding, unzipped his fire suit all the way and stepped out to cool off in his briefs.

Will headed into the kitchenette, "Hey, want a lukewarm cup of Franzia wine? I just got the box out of the back of my car. Been riding around for weeks with it - helps the bouquet."

Sacha laughed, "Yeah, alright."

Will came back with two Paulaner Hefeweizens. "Oh, did you really want the wine that comes in a box? I can run up the street to the 'We Sell Crap' store and get you some?"

"Cheers." Sacha took a long pull off his icy cold drink, sighed, and replied, "We don't actually have wine that comes in a box back in England, I don't believe. That sounds foul."

Will polished off the last of his beer. "It's terrible. And by terrible I mean the nectar of the gods."

Sacha swallowed quickly and rushed, "Oh, I thought of a terrific line for your character: 'Remember, a winner is only a loser that tried a little harder.' "

Will laughed again. "I'll write that one down." He sat next to Sacha and smiled at him. "You ready for tomorrow?"

Sacha quickly went back to his Jean Giraud voice. "Absolument. I weel be ready for you, Reecky Booby." He leaned forward quickly, cupped the back of Will's head and kissed him.

When Sacha's tongue slipped between their lips and rubbed against his, Will thought to himself briefly, "Well, he is French." Sacha threw a leg over and straddled Will on the small couch. Will didn't notice his hands moving to Sacha's hips, fingertips slipping just under the elastic waistband of Sacha's Y-fronts. He wasn't paying attention to Sacha's hands in his hair, tugging and pulling his head back against the sofa. All of his attention was being directed to the sensation of a firm mouth slanting over his. A full lip with just a hint of stubble rubbing pleasantly against his. Oh, and also a semi-erect penis resting on top of his. That also got his attention.

His fingers gripped instinctively and he blanched as he realized his hands were slightly under another man's underwear, gripping his hip bones. He opened his mouth and tried to lean back a little to get a handle on this rapidly spinning out of control situation. Sacha broke the kiss, nuzzled Will's nose with his own and breathed into Will's mouth, "Tu veux que ce soit authentique, non?"

Will murmured, "I-I don't know what the hell you just said. All I know is I like it."

Sacha's soft laugh turned into a quiet moan as Will gripped his hips firmly and ground him down on his lap. Sacha broke away and traced his teeth lightly down the cord in Will's neck. "Pour moi, c'est très important qu'il soit réel."

"Are you going to make me speak the real language of love? Because Deutsch is a beautiful and often misunderstood-"

Sacha cut him off by tracing Will's lower lip with his tongue and rucking up the front of Will's t-shirt.

"Guten Herr..."

The next day required five takes of the big kiss before the director called it a wrap. He decided to go with the one that didn't have them groping each other's asses and where you couldn't see all the tongue. He didn't think Middle America was quite ready for that much gay in a NASCAR movie.



4.
Sacha wouldn't be able to do all of the press junket for Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby. He would be in character as Borat at that time, and it would ruin his anonymity to be seen in the big hair and 'stache. He told Will that he was going to have to be "deep under cover" for a few months while they filmed and wouldn't be reachable.

"At all? Not even phone calls?"

"No, I'm sorry, William, but the shooting has to be fluid. If we find an opportunity along the way for an interview, I have to be prepared. I'm staying in character the whole time."

"That's insane. The movie's going to be fantastic, though. But you're crazy, man." He said this as a compliment of the highest order. "When are you leaving?"

"In three days. Tomorrow I'm leaving to visit with my parents before I start shooting, however."

A pause on the line with only a faint buzz to be heard.

"You want to get a bite to eat? I haven't eaten anything and I'm starved."

They sat in a quiet corner of a Nouveau American restaurant that had a Kosher menu - unsurprisingly, as this was L.A. - and talked about this new movie of Sacha's.

"You're going to get beat up."

"I hope we catch it on film, if I do." Sacha's face broke into a massive grin. He had been full of energy, bouncing, shifting in his seat, clearly excited about his new project. They threw some bills on the table and headed outside.

Will leaned against his car, arms folded. "You gotta get back? I've got a place not too far from here, thought maybe we could play some ball if you've got some time."

"Yeah, sure."

No sooner had the door shut to Will's bungalow were his hands on Sacha, pulling him in close for a kiss. Sacha sagged against the inside of the door, his hands slipping around Will's waist and into his back pockets.

"You've got an outstandingly fat arse, William."

Will smiled against Sacha's neck, his tongue dipping into the hollow behind Sacha's ear. "I run."

Sacha put his hands on Will's chest and gently pushed him back. Will leaned in, stupidly, trying to connect lips again. Sacha turned his head and ducked under Will's arm. "No, I'm sorry. We're not those characters any more. I don't need to do that."

Will's mouth gaped for a moment, then he shook himself slightly and laughed. "Heh, yeah. Just seeing how far you'd take it again, that's all. So!" he added a little too cheerfully, "You wanna shoot hoops? I gotta tell you, I've got a sweet lay up. Better get on the bus, 'cause I'm taking you to school."

Sacha stood there, trying to get Will to look him in the eye. "William. Will?"

Will walked into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, "I've got some of that Belgian beer you liked, if you want. Or some Pellegrino?"

"Will, I think I should go."

"Oh, hey. Hey, I was just fooling around. We're cool."

"No, it's become awkward, and... I really should be going. I've got a big trip coming up, and all. I'm sorry if you misunderstood."

Will waved his hand and shook his head. "No, no, of course not. I mean, we had to make it believable, sure. I just brought you back here to show your Limey ass how we play ball in the big leagues. Come on." He heaved a big sigh at Sacha's resolved look. "Come on, man. Don't make me look like an ass here."

Sacha clapped his hand on Will's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry. I should go. Thanks for dinner. It was good to see you." He turned briskly and walked out the door. Will stood still with two beers in his hands for a good five minutes looking at the door.





5.
They hadn't been able to talk at the Borat premiere, and Sacha didn't come to the Blades of Glory after-party. The first chance to see each other away from all their entourages was lunch before the MTV Movie Awards. Sacha had called and left a message that he wanted to talk. It had taken Will three days to decide he would show.

Sacha was mostly business. They caught up on current and past projects, about friends they knew, and Sacha caught Will's ankle by hooking his own around it under the table. Will picked at his food and shifted back in his chair so they weren't touching. The waiter came and cleared their plates, relieving some of the tension. Will started, "So if we win, do you want to be Brokeback Mountain and have just one of us go up and be sincere?"

Sacha blinked. "Are you being for real?"

Will shrugged. "Whatever you want, man. I can always go for the joke and say I was forced to swallow a condom of scorpion venom to be enticed, if you want to play it butch."

Sacha barked a dry laugh, sucked on his lower lip and looked across the room for a moment. "You go up, thank the Academy or what have you, and I'll follow. Just--. Follow my lead, alright?"

Will took his credit card back from the waiter, scribbled in a tip, and stood. "You bet. See you later."

***

As the crowd screamed and groaned as Sacha continued moving Will's face to his, trying to kiss him, he muttered softly, "I'm sorry. Don't fight it, okay?" When they were back stage being interviewed by all of Western Media assuring the world that they were in fact Heterosexual, they kept stealing glaces back at each other.

Christina Augillera or someone had just come backstage, so all the cameras zoomed to her and left them alone. Sacha patted Will's back and moved in closely. "Can I stop by your flat on the way back? I owe you an apology."

Will rubbed at his lips. With a wry laugh and without making eye contact he nodded, "Sure. Yeah."

Will handed his award to an assistant and took a glass of champagne a page handed him. Sacha walked past and leaned in once more. "I've missed you."

Will smiled into his glass.

"Oh and William?" Will looked up. Sacha winked. "Thanks for letting me grab your gloriously round arse on stage."

Will flipped the back of his suit jacket up, stuck his tush out and in a boorish manner replied, "No problem. You gotta make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, my friend."

Sacha walked backwards towards the exit and mouthed, "ten minutes," and jerked his head towards the exit sign.

Will took another champagne flute and considered making him sweat for twenty.

~*~*~

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
aimeelicious
Jul. 19th, 2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
Oh. I am a little confused but filled with joy. Yesh. How did you make me like this? Why was Sacha an ass in #4? And why is there not a #6 where I get to see his apology? Eh? EH? If you are going to SUCK me into a fandom that doesn't even exist, I could at least get a #6!!!

*stomps around ineffectually*
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
*rubs hands evilly* He was an ass because he had to move away from one character to another! he is a slave to his own methods!

Oh, believe me. I plan on writing more. I think there also needs to be Rocky Bobby/Jean Giraud slash, too. I SUCKED YOU IN, WHOOOO!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
*sends you diapers*

So it worked, huh? :D
pernickety
Jul. 19th, 2007 04:02 pm (UTC)
If you're not careful you won't have the fandom to yourself anymore.

I shouldn't be this confused at the fact that there wasn't a singe Jack Dav mention. But Hefeweizen got a shout-out and that is righteous and should have a fandom, too, because it is liquid paradise. And! And so much more, but my coherency got brokened.
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 04:08 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha! Will loves his smart-mouthed Brits, what can I say? :D

Hefeweizen is the true nectar of the gods. Or as my husband says, "The taste of freedom." Heeee. I'm glad you read this!!!!
slasheuse
Jul. 19th, 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)
You're crazy. I loved this. You're still crazy. *HEARTS* Oh, Will. With the singing R Kelly and the - you know, SBC really DOES have a pretty arse - and I loved the line about so much gay in a NASCAR movie. That would make a good tagline.

Also also! I was stopping by your journal anyway becaaaaaaaaaaaause. Oscar Wilde met the third President of the Mormon Church. It is ON MY JOURNAL, GO SEE. I lol'd.
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
YAY that you loved this!! *draws hearts around Will* Sacha has a GLORIOUS everything. ANd you should know by now my opinion on Will's tush.

HE DID NOT!!! John Taylor was the one that told the polygamists to go underground and keep up the good work!! AHAHAHAHA!! *zooooooms*
beadattitude
Jul. 19th, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
::blinks alot:: Wow. That was awesome. Only you baby, only you for which I would read this stuff, and it was awesome and hot and poor Will in #4. And yes, he does have a gloriously fat arse. ::bites it::

Come work with me in my garden, you seeeexxy biach, and I will make you margaritas and guacamole and other green foods.
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
HEEEE! I think I will have no readers, no pimps, no recs, but you know what? I DUN KEER. I love them both. AND YOU. Thanks for reading!!

Ooooh, you had me at margaritas. (I need to work in my garden, but it is a million degrees out. *passes out*)
brunettepet
Jul. 19th, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
This was brilliant. You connected the "caught on film" moments beautifully.

I loved several lines and phrases:

"Sacha made a joke about how it was funnier when a male-to-male kiss was so long it made everyone uncomfortable, and John, jaw dropped, had agreed that it had reached that point. Will just took another swig of whiskey and uncurled his toes in the water while Richter explained to John how gay men were the new lesbians." The new lesbians. You kill me.

Wonderful Will voice here: "When Sacha's tongue slipped between their lips and rubbed against his, Will thought to himself briefly, "Well, he is French."" Yes, that explains everything.

This made me laugh out loud: "You've got an outstandingly fat arse, William."

Will smiled against Sacha's neck, his tongue dipping into the hollow behind Sacha's ear. "I run." And then you let Sacha break poor Will's little heart. Thank goodness you put it back together again.

Thanks for this surprisingly emotional, delightful read.
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC)
I'm not going to lie to you: I clasped my hands under my chin and mouthed along as I read your feedback. *shining eyes*

THANK YOU! I'm so glad you laughed and felt the heartbreak (Will!! I love him.) and then told me!!!! *hugs you FOREVER*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 19th, 2007 11:25 pm (UTC)
Let me be the first to say that I will TOTALLY JOIN your Funny Men RPS comm, and I looooove your Parker/Stone. There should be more.

I am SO GLAD the "Trapped in a Closet" bit worked, yayayay! And as I wrote this in one afternoon with no beta, I'm not completely surprised that there are some issues with Sacha's voice. (I think I hit pretty close with Will, honestly.) I'll let this stew and see what needs to be changed. (And you're right - I can take the concrit!)
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Jul. 19th, 2007 11:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
essene
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
OMG. There were people upstairs putting in drywall while I snorted and laughed until tears rolled down my face. It is a good thing this brain of yours. So much do I love but particularly:

"Are you going to make me speak the real language of love? Because Deutsch is a beautiful and often misunderstood-"

and

He decided to go with the one that didn't have them groping each other's asses and where you couldn't see all the tongue. He didn't think Middle America was quite ready for that much gay in a NASCAR movie.

And wow did you sneak in some angst there or what?? Poor Will.

Gollygee m'am! I adore your think!


stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:55 am (UTC)
*toyota feeling leap*

Ahahaha - when I was RPing Will I always had him go off in German - the most romantic language ever. (TRufax, he speaks Swedish, some German, and CHINESE. <3)

I'm glad you liked the angst, too! Funny men need down time, too! <3 <3 <3
_tayler
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:57 pm (UTC)
Oh Lordy Stoney!!
It was fab, and I SO wanted to read Sacha's 'apology' to Will.

Can't wait to see if he visits Will while shooting the "Bruno" film!
;D
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2007 02:05 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha!! And Will's character from "The Producers" and Bruno could be slashed \o/

(Okay, I'm totally pushing it, I know. Heee!) I'm so glad you read this!
moosesal
Jul. 23rd, 2007 12:38 am (UTC)
Brilliant and funny and just asbolutely wonderful.

"Is nice! I use your man pussy before bed? Is not gay if I on top. Or if we are related."

Oh god, you killed me. :)
stoney321
Jul. 23rd, 2007 01:36 am (UTC)
*claps hands!* Oh, man am I glad you liked it! I made the mistake of posting during Potterdammerung and this sank like a stone. :D

I may need to watch Borat again... "Her vagina is like wizard sleeve." *cracks the fuck up*

<3
... - moosesal - Jul. 23rd, 2007 01:50 am (UTC) - Expand
shighola
Jul. 24th, 2007 02:55 am (UTC)
bwahahaha!!!!

oh my god, i can't even believe how much you brought the funny. and the angst. and the hotness.
fantastic!

"I'm not gonna lie to you, man. This is a booty call."
stoney321
Jul. 24th, 2007 03:27 am (UTC)
*throws hands in the air, shaking them like I just. don't care.*

YAY!! Oh, I'm so glad you laughed and cried with me and Will. Hahaha. Thanks for telling me!
southernbangel
Jul. 26th, 2007 05:33 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, "Trapped in the Closet" references FTW! (I love that shit.)

So. frickin'. funny. Will's booty call, wine in a box, Oh, and also a semi-erect penis resting on top of his---yes, please.

*draws hearts around this story*
stoney321
Jul. 26th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh, Trapped in a Closet is never going to fail to make me laugh. Parse THAT sentence, bb.

Hahaha, I love the utter crack of this story. Is that wrong? Then I don't wanna be right. *draws hearts around YOU tacklerapehug*
southernbangel
Jul. 26th, 2007 06:24 pm (UTC)
Did you see where IFC is picking up the series and airing new installments?

I LOVE IT.
marenfic
Jul. 26th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
Ok, I thought this was going to be total crack but it isn't and I LOVED IT. It was funny and sweet and kinda uncomfortable and angsty too.

Also? I went to a Color Me Badd concert. Oh yeah. At a STATE FAIR. Don't be jealous.
stoney321
Jul. 26th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
FIRST OF ALL. That you made an icon out of that photo shoot pic with will (you can see his junk! Mmmm) puts you in the "who's most awesome contest" LEAD.

SECOND OF ALL: I wanna sexx you up. (Uh, tick tock and you don't sto-stop. To the, tick tock and you do-don't sto-stop) I think your concert trumps my seeing the Jets at Six Flags. With a CHURCH GROUP. Aw, yeah.

I LOVE THAT YOU LOVED IT!!!!!
sdwolfpup
Dec. 6th, 2007 05:26 pm (UTC)
OMG dude I was just going into this expecting it to be hot and funny and then you made me REALLY SAD with #4 and then you made it ALL BETTER with #5 and I'm confused and in love. Curse you.
stoney321
Dec. 6th, 2007 09:46 pm (UTC)
*CLAPPY HANDS*

YAYAYAY!! Best comment, or best comment EVER? It's ridiculous, the love I have for those two men. RIDICULOUS.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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