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OKAY. I NEED A HAND HOLD. OMG.

My eyes are LITERALLY tearing up. (Not figuratively, hahaha.) WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THE LINK IF YOU ARE ARACHNOPHOBIC.

This is outside my door. MY FRONT DOOR. (strung up on the porch to the flower bed.) It wasn't this big yesterday. Last night, my son informed me that it was "mating." *cries* Which means there was ANOTHER one there. This morning, the male was... dead. (Head ripped off, juices sucked out.) And it grew. *cries*





*cries*

To give it some perspective, that is an oak leaf hydrangea behind it, and the leaves are larger than fig leaves. That spider is the size of my hand. If you think I'm going to hold my hand up to that web for a picture, you have another think coming.

I know spiders are cool and interesting and beneficial. I know this. Intellectually. The frightened Ron Weasley that lurks within is absolutely skeeved the hell out. I clicked on a website to find out if they're poisonous (by which I mean VENOMOUS - poison is when YOU eat IT. Venomous is when THEY eat YOU.) They aren't. The picture on the site made me start crying. Holy cheese whiz, spiders SCARE ME SO MUCH. (Our female is larger than that one.)

I am putting my Bose headphones back on, tuning out the WHOLE WORLD while listening to Deathly Hallows on disc and comfort eating some cake while imagining that my front door is SPIDER FREE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

[ETA] Now with a song, set to a popular Christmas song, "O Holy Night."

Oh holy Chriiiist,
This spider's f**king moooooooooooving, It's going to eat
Out my brains then lay eggs.

Long has it toiled, its web it has been spiiiiiiining
Til my good son with his bricks did appear

We'll smash and squish it
so it cannot eat my head
this friggin' thing is so large and very gross!

Oh! Holy Crap!
It's craaaaaaawling to-wards me!
This spider is smaaaaaart
It knows that I
wa-ant to kill it.

Oh Crap! This BUUUUUUUUUG
will eat
ow-ow-ow-ow-out my eyes....

MORE ON THIS HORRIFYING DRAMA!

Comments

( 148 comments — Leave a comment )
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elfgirl
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
Er...happy birthday?

::smishes you and saves you from the ebil spider of doom (tm)::
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC)
*climbs into your lap and behind your hair like a baby monkey*

GAH!!!

(And thank you! Save me, L!)
crevette
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:07 pm (UTC)
THANK GOD THAT THERE IS A BROKEN LINK!!! BECAUSE I'M AFRAID BUT IF YOU PUT A LINK I MUST CLICK!

I'M BUSTING OUT THE CAPS LOCK OF TERROR!!!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:09 pm (UTC)
I HAVE FIXED THE LINK, ZOMG. PHOTOBUCKET IS A DOUCHE!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I'm not kidding when I tell you that my eyes welled up with fear-tears. Holy shit dogs.
kwizbit
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC)
*holds you*

Except... for some reason the picture is not there? Maybe I'm having computer problems, but there isn't even one of those boxes with a red 'x' in it, there's just empty space. And I wanted to see the spider *pouts*

Spiders tend to make their home right by my door around this time. August seems to be their peek or something. I can't tell you how many times I've walked up my back steps to be hit in the face with silky strands, and then to see the horrifying face of a thing with eight legs nose to well.. (do spiders have noses? let's go with antennas) antennas with me. So of course I run away and my boyfriend goes up and saves the day :P

Go get your son to rescue you!!
kwizbit
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh oops, there it is! YIKES!! *runs away*
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southernbangel
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
OH SWEET GOD I THINK I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. OH EM GEE WHY DID I CLICK THAT LINK? AM I STUPID? THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY "YES."

*flails in SHEER TERROR*

DON'T LET THE SPIDER EAT YOU, STONEY.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
I have red marks all over my neck from scratching. Lee, I have BROKEN OUT IN HIVES, I am not joking.

It MOVED when I looked at it. *cries* It is going to jump on my face like Alien and kill me and lay its spider babies in my BRAIN.

Oh, and #2 is dead to me. She tickled her hand up my neck and freaked me out and I almost STRUCK MY CHILD IN THE FACE. O_O
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redbrickrose
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
YOU SAID NOT TO CLICK!! WHY DID I CLICK? OMG. I pretty much hate anything with more than four legs, but spiders are almost the worst. *shudders* I can't even kill without spray because I can't touch anything that is touching one. Ewww.

We have spiders that look like that when I go out to the swamp here. They may be that kind. Except. They looked all swollen last time. Pregnant maybe? GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I apologize for sharing that, actually.

Ummm . . . happy birthday, though! Spiders aside, I hope it's a great one!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the birthday wishes, they are the ONE BRIGHT SPOT in this day of HORROR.

Oh my goodness. Those spiders are called 'banana spiders' - they're prevalent all over the south. They get HUGE apparently.

I mean, I can take beetles, bizarre worms/caterpillars... I contemplated becoming a parasitologist, actually. But spiders?!?! I think it's the many many legs and the fast movement. *cries*

I just had a stray hair drift across my arm and I freaked the hell out just now, slapping at my body. AAHHHH.
dangomango
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
*delurks* I THOUGHT BANANA SPIDERS WERE LITTLE AND CUTE. IGNORANCE REALLY IS BLISS. *relurks and runs away screaming*
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC)
*throws up a steel barrier between you and the spider TO PROTECT YOU, zomg!*

NO!! They get HUUUUUUUGE!! I had my daughter look it up in her bug book. Like, 10 inches across. *bawls and scratches skin off*
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altyronsmaker
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
I had one of those on the offensive one time, and HAD NO IDEA!!! OMG
altyronsmaker
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC)
and in my freakage, hit the enter button too quickly. *shudders*

So I know your freakage. BELIEVE ME, I know. Gah. Banana spiders are the worst! Because they are so EVIL LOOKING! I mean, really! Minions of SATAN!

*commiserates with you*
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beanbeans
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
*holds your hand*

I believe that's a yellow orb spider, or yellow garden spider. I'll give you a link, but there are lots of spider pics on the page, so be warned and don't click if it will wig you out.

http://insects.tamu.edu/extension/bulletins/l-1787.html

And here is another picture and description, from someone from TX:
http://www.bugsinthenews.com/Texas%20Spiders/Argiope_aurantia_College_Station_TX_2006_Lorraine_E_H.htm

If it is a yellow orb, or Argiope aurantia, rest assured that this variety is relatively harmless. They just build really big, flat, ornate webs. My mom had one out on her front porch one year, and it got to be pretty dern big, too.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
It must go by both names then, as the picture of one in my Texas Bug Book from the Extension Agency calls it both your Argiope arantia and the common name of Banana spider (maybe the yellow?)

Now... keep in mind that I usually keep those pages paperclipped shut because of my overwhelming fear of all arachnids. GAAAAAAAAAH!
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halfmoon_mollie
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
I posted birthday wishes to you in my LJ - but we aren't 'mutual' so you probably didn't see them.

Or maybe the evil spider stole them. Stay away from the front door....

Happy Birthday.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
CLEARLY it is the spider's fault! I'm blaming all problems on the spider. :D

(Also, I've not been online much today...) However, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for the birthday wishes!! *clings to you in fear*
liz_marcs
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
*hands you whisky to take away the pain*

I'll be over here------->

*hiding*

So, how is that birthday working out for you?
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
*joins you far away from Evil Creature*

It's working out fine (and thank you), as long as I don't look out my front windows. Liz, I am currently 12 feet away from that thing and can STILL MAKE OUT ITS FEATURES. That is too big for comfort. O_O

*clings*
hellziggy
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
It's a birthday spider!
*pats stoney*
It's ok, stoney. If he goes on the attack you have children to use as decoys while you get away! If you tell the kids this plan and tell them that you will save the best behaved one...
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
I WOULD LIKE TO EXCHANGE THE SPIDER FOR A BUNNY, THANKS. *cries*

Oooh, I like your line of thinking. I'll line the kids up, the juciest ones first. CLEVER! (hahahaha. <3)
Birthday Bunneh! - hellziggy - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
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maevebran
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday! Hope it is a good one (spiders not withstanding).
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! Pls send a large hammer and a man to swing it, thx.

:D
stephanierb
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
As I am arachnophobic, I tried to avoid catching sight of whatever it was on your front door.

I was unsuccessful.

That is one pretty nasty spider. We used to get wood spiders in our house, which have big bodies and long hairy legs and can jump across the room. Still, I'm not sure which one looks worse.

So, the purpose of my comment...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you are having a fantastic day, spider notwithstanding. :-)
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
I am not exaggerating when I say my mouth went dry and my lip wobbled when I read "and can jump across the room."

YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES, ZOMG.

(And thank you very much for the b-day wishes! I'm currently wishng that this spider goes elsewhere...)
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pernickety
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)
EW EW EW EWWWWWWWW.

Mating? Will there be more? EWEWEWEWEWWWWWWWWWW.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!! I am not having an egg sac outside my door, I AM NOT.

Two years ago my son had a Black Widow spider as a pet. It laid an eggsac. I freaked the hell out. The spider disappeared... mysteriously. (I threw the whole container out.) GAH.
thebratqueen
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
ACK!!!

Also? Happy birthday!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
ZOMG I LOVE HER HAMMIE WITH CAKE. It has officially made everything all betterz. :)

(Thank you!)
marenfic
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
Ahem. You know that you can conquer your fear if you expose yourself to the spider until you realize it will not eat your face off.

It might burrow into your abdomen and lay its eggs there, but it won't eat your face off (it's jaws are too little)

(I am a very very bad psychologist to even joke about this. I do actually ethically treat clients with phobias in a kind way. /disclaimer)
southernbangel
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
GD now I have another worry, that the spider will lay eggs in my stomach. OMG GROSS.

THANKS, MAREN.
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essene
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)
EW! EW EW EW!!!!

*swats erratically at the air*

OMG. I hate crawly things. And crawly things up close? BAH!

*holds you close whilst petting your hair with a shaking hand*

I'll call DT and she'll make it go away.

You poor thing. *sings a shaky happy birthday*
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
Essene, I can see it's features from INSIDE THE HOUSE, it's so big!! *cries and cries*

OMG, if she can rid my house of it, I will love her (and you) forever, zomg!!!

(And thank you for the song. It's soothing my nerves...)
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cityphonelines
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC)
I'm not even arachnophobic and that freaked me to fuck out! Do. not. want. Also, because the pic can't not convey glass and I feel as though the spider is going to JUMP OUT OF MY MONITOR AND RIP MY FACE OFF.

...

Wait. Did you say cake?
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:15 pm (UTC)
I went out there to take the pic and it MOVED. I made a gagging sound and moved faster than I've ever moved in my LIFE, VINNIE.

God mm'kaying heck.

Cake! Lemon cake with lemon and coconut frosting, mmmmmm.
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viciouswishes
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:06 pm (UTC)
I would be freaking out too.

Happy Birthday. *kills the spider for you*
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
BEST B-DAY PRESENT EVER. (the killing)

Dude. *skeevs out* And thank you for the b-day wishes!
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xochitl42
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:13 pm (UTC)
::clings to you in utter terror::

I'm not entirely sure how you maintained consciousness. My brani woudl have throttled my skul to get out of the way.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
I about passed out just taking the picture (trying to get my husband to come home early and SAVE MY LIFE) with the zoom on the highest setting. GAAAAAAAH.
abusing_sarcasm
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Barf. I would've moved.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:19 pm (UTC)
SERIOUSLY. I'm contemplating setting my house on fire.

And if that doesn't kill it? I'm calling North Korea to get them to bomb my house with nuclear weapons.
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menomegirl
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
Oh look, a banana spider. *pets you*

Awhile back, we were visiting my born-again sister-in-law and her family in Kosse. The hubby and I went fishing with her and her husband. We stopped at his daddy's place and drove out to thier pond. Sis-in-law and her hubby took the alumium boat out on the water and hubby and I walked around the pond to the other side cause we were gonna fish there.

Well, the grass was tall and hubby told me, "Walk where I walk." So I did. I was looking down and following his footsteps, right? And my feet got all tangled up in these fucking kudzu vines so I stopped to untangle myself. When I was done, I glanced up and there was hubby-way the hell ahead of me. So shit, I held onto my fishing pole and ran to catch up.....

Right into a spider web.

I think I blinked and was all ewww, pulling at the sticky shit on my face. I was fine, really.

Until the second I looked down at my chest and saw a banana spider the size of my hand right there, on my fucking shirt.

I screamed so loud my throat hurt later and there was a sit-load of flailing. I'm still not sure how I got the spider off my clothing but it was gone by the time hubby made it back to where I was. And when he did get there, I slapped him, cussed him out and then started crying my ass off.

Then I marched back to where the truck was, took out a lawn chair and fished right there. Along the way to the truck, I noticed what I had missed while walking in hubby's steps:the entire area was covered in those spider webs, trees filled with the fucking things and the spider that was on my shirt was a baby compared to some I saw.

It's only a wonder I didn't hurt myself.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
OH.
MY.
GOD.

You poor, poor baby! I am in utter shock on your behalf. That may be the worst thing I've ever heard. I would have TOTALLY cried my ass off.
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ex_dovil323
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD! That's not a spider! That's a spider that ate all the other spiders and then rolled around in toxic radioactive waste. That's the kind of spider that when Mothra and Godzilla roll into town, just keep their eyes down and slide on past going 'we don't want any trouble, man.'

THAT SPIDER IS GOING TO LIFT THE HOUSE UP FROM IT'S FOUNDATIONS AND CARRY YOU ALL AWAY TO IT'S WEB! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!

Nature is just wrong sometimes. Can't you buy a dozen cans of fly spray and just drop the entire box on it? Just offer up your youngest child as a sacrifice, bundle up what you can and get out, start life again in a witness protection programme in Mexico.

In conclusion: Spider big. And God's birthday presents suck.

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC)
*cries* I think it's going to hold my children for ransom to get me to come close enough for it to jump on my face and eat out my BRAINS. Then lay eggs in there.

If this is god's birthday present to me, I may need to rethink this atheism stance I have. He's clearly punishing me for not worshipping him!!

(And thank you!)
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illcoveryou_x
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:48 pm (UTC)
OMG SCARY SPIDER!!! Happy birthday! ♥

P.S. The frightened Ron Weasley that lurks within is absolutely skeeved the hell out. This made me LOL, so thanks for that.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, I COMPLETELY identify with Ronald Bilius Weasely on that issue. I still have trouble reading those chapters in CoS!! :D

And thank you very much for the b-day wishes!
copykween
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
Ewww! Ack, yeah I have Terminix come spray the hell outta my house because of shit like that lol.

I used to get sand spiders and scorpions IN THE HOUSE!!! Most stuff, I just smash. Those things? OH HELL NO! They send me into panic mode. Especially when I see pics of how big they can really get!

Sidenote: You're article served as a PSA for me! Growing up I always thought a different spider was a Banana Spider. Kee-reepy!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
GEH. My sister lives in Arizona and has problems with scorpions, too!! *walks on the furniture for ever* and the only way to really kill them is to smash them! Which means getting close enough to smash! Which means I need someone else to do it for me. :D

There seems to be some question as to whether this is a true banana spider or not. I think it's a variety here in Texas (my bug book says as much) but GLAH. I just know it's CREEPY!
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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