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This time, IT'S PERSONAL.

Oho.

For all of you who tried to REASSURE ME that the Spider Of Doomitude™ was just as scared of me as, blah blah blah, they are beautiful, magnificent creatures that I should make out with, that it didn't want to eat my face and make its egg sac in my brain meat, that it really just wanted to sing romantic R&B hits while strolling barefoot on the beach while we planned our new web together...

YOU ARE FILTHY LIARS. You kiss your mothers with those mouths?!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning, he opens the front door, steps out, SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and LIMBOS, spilling his coffee all over his dress shirt. Because the EVIL SPIDER MOVED FROM THE GARDEN TO BUILDING HER WEB ACROSS THE FRONT DOOR.

AT FACE LEVEL. I have tripled checked that all of my pets and children are accounted for. (Mr. S took a rake, gently scooped the She-Beast onto it and headed back to the garden with it. It PROMPTLY SCUTTLED UP THE HANDLE, ready to eat his face and lay her eggs in his brain meat. I heard a second little girl squeal and saw him fling the rake towards the neighbor's house.)

The neighbors are on their own. WE ARE IN A MARTIAL STATE, PEOPLE. (I have broken out in hives for the SECOND time. I itch everywhere. *whimpers*) But I would like to make some positive statements so I don't sit in my closet with my arms wrapped around my children and a loaded shotgun propped against the door: slackerace gave me a party hat on my user info, hahaha, THANK YOU!! and entrenous88 phoned me yesterday morning, and in a clear, lovely soprano, sang me happy birthday. Heeeee! I love my friends. Thank you for all of the birthday wishes - I think I found you all, if I didn't, its just because I've been hiding in terror in my home.

NOW COME RESCUE ME!!!!!!


Haha, entrenous88 had the idea hee!

Comments

( 139 comments — Leave a comment )
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ladycat777
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:25 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD!! *hugs you close and hides you*

Jesus, is it time to call the bug people? Because OH MY GOD.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)
I MEAN!!! It totally has a vendetta. (Has it come back from the future? Do I - through the Master Gardener program - find a way to destroy the robot/spider hybrid that Wyetami (The Company) creates? So they've sent this creature back through time to kill me??!?!?!?!
thepiratequeen
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:30 pm (UTC)
I'd come rescue you but SPIDERS ARE SCARY.

*HIDES*
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:34 pm (UTC)
*cries* And I don't know where it is!! The Mister flung the rake, then jumped in his car and left me and the children to fend for ourselves like a BASTARD. *cries some more*
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redbrickrose
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:31 pm (UTC)
*shudder* That's really terrifying.

I believe you, Stoney. All spiders that big want nothing more than to eat your face and lay eggs in your brain meet. I have long suspected this.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
Okay, THANK YOU. They are not our friends. They are NOT. Hasn't everyone seen Lord of the Rings? Chamber of Secrets?! BIG SPIDERS = EVIL.

I think I might have to wrap my head (and my children's heads) in tin foil to protect our brains from egg layers.
enigmaticblues
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
OMG! That's just...you're right. Anyone who said spiders were majestic creatures are just filthy liars. I am freaked out right now, and I didn't even have to face the thing. *pets you*
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU. Filthy, mouth-breathing, snot-nosed liars, the lot of them.

If you have a flame thrower, I would like to borrow it.
... - enigmaticblues - Aug. 9th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
halfmoon_mollie
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:36 pm (UTC)
Let me point you in this direction. My mother is deathly allergic to spider bites - and I mean that literally, last time she was bitten she almost died. We've used this at the cottage, I used to use it at the old place because I had spiders all OVER. It's good. You need to follow the directions, because of course, it's poison.

But in your case...maybe a good idea.

I'm looking for my spider squishing outfit right now.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:39 pm (UTC)
OooooOoooh. I like the idea of that!! It keeps them from coming back?! *sprays whole house, children, me, my face, my animal's faces, but not the evil neighbors, because they can have their brains infested with spider eggs for all I care*

Oh, it's poisonous? I'll just spray the bee-keeper suits I'm going to be purchasing for protection, then. ;)
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ann1962
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:43 pm (UTC)
The huge ones are evil. One here did a web across the deck staircase. 3ft by 3ft. Things could bounce of it, it was so strong. I took joy in using the broom handle to wipe it away. Augh.

stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:53 pm (UTC)
I am impressed with your ability to get close enough to bat the eeb away!!! Spread your hand out - that's how big this one is. *Cries and cries and cries*

Hahahah. GAH.
Damn - ann1962 - Aug. 9th, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
fitofpique
Aug. 9th, 2007 01:57 pm (UTC)
stoney, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! sorry i missed it but i was out of the office yesterday giving a workshop (*dies*) and then last night i felt like i got run over by a truck. but, as my gift, i will come over and relocate your spider to the porch of the neighbour you least like.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:01 pm (UTC)
THAT IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. You officially win. *hands you sceptre and crown* Thank you very much for the birthday wishes, as well!

A workshop? Did you rock the body 'shop with your mad skills? *climbs up your back like a monkey to hide from Evil Spider*
elfgirl
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:00 pm (UTC)
Oh, Stoney and Mr. Stoney. It just wanted to give you a good morning kiss! ::MWAH::

::ducks and hides::

(In all seriousness, I love spiders, but those are a little freaky. I wouldn't have wanted it on me either. ::HUGS:: for both of you.)
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
*SMOOOOOOCH* Best way to wake up, for serious. :D

And I like spiders in theory! I like what they do, I think they are amazing creatures... I just don't want them hollowing out my eyes to turn my skull into a Holiday Inn/maternity ward! Heeeee.
... - elfgirl - Aug. 9th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
sweetumms33
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Maybe the spider is trying to say it as well?

Oh who are we kidding, keep that creepy thing away from you, hopefully in neighbors yard. Aw, your poor husband, his new dress shirt. Spiders make me shudder, what eats them, you could get their natural predator, and then you wouldn't feel bad about killing it!

(I have no icon to suitably represent my grossed out/scaredness
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:04 pm (UTC)
That spider has no well wishes in its horrible neural tube, or whatever pases for a brain. It only has evil plans and eating in mind. *cries*

My husband just emailed me from work to check and see if we were all still alive. :D I emailed back: NO. THIS IS THE SPIDER. I WIN.

*clings!* And thank you for th eb-day wishes, too!
samsom
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
OMG, it tried to eat your husband! I knew it. That spider can think, and holds a grudge!

*throws Stoney's plump little pets at spiderzilla and runs for the hills*
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:05 pm (UTC)
IT DID!! It's like Angelus, taking out everyone I love to break me!

*cries* Whyfore did you sacrifice my fur babies to the evil? Let's steal the bad neighbor's Dobermans and shove THOSE in the way. It'll keep the neighborhood quieter... (hahahah)
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dangomango
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:10 pm (UTC)
See, this is why I don't believe that "they're just as scared of you" crap. Because I have tried the co-habitation thing, and then they go and build webs across your front door at FACE LEVEL or move into your BATHTUB and learn how to swim, omg. *has issues*
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
Okay, see?! YES. They are NOT INTERESTED in becoming BFFs, scrapbooking, sharing babysitting responsibilities... they just want to eat your face and lay eggs in your brain meat.

*hands you a shotgun, sits back to back for protection*
... - dangomango - Aug. 9th, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
soundingsea
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:10 pm (UTC)
*sympathy*

I have a Family of Evil Spiders making webs all over my tomato plants. Every time I walk out onto the balcony, I wave our swiffer mop around to make the world safe from webs. Bleh.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:16 pm (UTC)
Oooh, I actually know what you can do for your 'maters! Lay tin foil (shiny side up) under your tomato plants. The reflective heat will discourage spiders, aphids, etc.

That reminds me to go collect some tomatoes today before the mockig birds get them... Cover me. *slaps welding mask over face* I'm going out.
entrenous88
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:12 pm (UTC)
OMG SPIDER!!!! Ack, I'm so sorry this spider has indeed turned out to be of the malevolent egg-laying-in-brains type, rather than the benign Charlotte's Web type (are you sure the web didn't read "Some Stoney!"?). Eeeeek, it's flung (flang? hee) into the neighbor's yard now? If they're dead next morning, you know what they say...expand your house into two lots, yay!

Okay, I'm just kidding. ABout the neighbors not being alive tomorrow. They'll probably just be brain-controlled by El Spidero Mysterioso! Beware your zombie neighbors, Ms. S.!

<3 <3 <3
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:18 pm (UTC)
*cracking up at your icon*
Okay, I am looking at the fallen web and it DOES say something...

*squints* S-t-o-n-e-y m-u-s-t d-i...

And then it trails off. What could it mean? *clings* Ahahaha, I will TEWTALLY keep an eye out for zombie, spider controlled neighbors, zomg!! *wraps skull in tin foil*
Re: *cracking up at your icon* - entrenous88 - Aug. 9th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 9th, 2007 02:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
crevette
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:13 pm (UTC)
Ha! I feel your pain while I laugh and whimper at the same time from a thousand miles and a large body of water away!

We had those exact same spiders build HOOOOOOGE webs across the front walk during the summer, from the maple tree to the shrubs in front of the house. Like about 15 or 20 feet. I AM NOT EXAGERATING.

It's like a drift net for bugs.

And they'd catch us. Oh, precious, they'd catch us. And I would scream and cry and dance and run and howl and flail and rock back and forth for HOURS afterwards.

Bastards.


::sobs in post traumatic stress disorder flashback::
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:20 pm (UTC)
*cries*

I BELIEVE YOU. Dear god, I believe you. I fully expect at some point today to feel that ghostly, sticky net wrap itself with blinding speed around my head then feel a scuttling on my hair and then...

An explosion of babies from my frontal lobe. OH MY GOD, WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!?!? *builds a wall of bricks and steel to lock myself in*
crevette
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
Btw, I can haz metaquotes plz?
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2007 02:20 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, go right on ahead! *continues wrapping body in foil and plaster*
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( 139 comments — Leave a comment )

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