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This post works best when read in a Jacque Cousteau voice. Ev-air-ee sing you read 'ere is ze complete and unadulterated trooth.

Day four 'undred and sairty-sree. We are under seige from ze She Beast, she 'oo gives no quartaire. We sought zat lobbing 'er like an 'and grenade would be ze end of all of our troubles. We were wrong. So very wrong...



In ze middle of ze night, (okay, can I stop ze Franch? Bon.) two nights ago we heard a horrible sound - the sound of a dying giraffe. But how could that be? There are no giraffes in North Texas. The next morning, I would have sworn I heard a lost child's terrified crying, but I could not locate the sound. Also, I was eating chips, so... *shrug*

Last night, as my husband mowed the lawn and edged under the side yard's bushes, we saw... HER. Clearly she had finished off the neighbors - who are old; their meat must be stringy and unsatisfying - and evidently she was looking for something... jucier.

This is what we found:



WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!? The family down the street has three of these, so I don't think they'll miss little Timmy. Or Billy. Jon? But what about ME? I have to listen to this kid as its life is slowly drained away by Shelob. This is highly inconvenient.

So, we called in reinforcements:



And not a moment too soon as you can see, because a busload of nuns had - at the very moment the soldiers arrived - driven past the forty foot web. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE NUNS? Look at the evil maw on that creature! And the spider is horrifying, too. [/rimshot]

Okay, truth time. We DID find Aragog yesterday while mowing, and she's taken up residence on the side of the house and already had a few grasshoppers bound up. YAY SPIDER. Just don't eat my face, kthx. ALSO! I harvested all of my pumpkins (40!! 40 frickin' pumpkins that I didn't plant! Who wants pumpkin butter?) and let the Mister mow back where they were growing. As he got the grass down from two feet to ground-level, he saw something squirming in a hollow in the grass. BRAND NEW BABY BUNNIES!!!

(Um, my husband was freaking for hours, worrying that he might have... mowed them down. :( He did not, and they were fine.) Little, hairless, naked bun ears (!!) and no mama cottontail to be found. We were worried sick that we had chased her off. We gathered all of the animals and kids, put everyone on strict instructions to not go in the backyard so Mama Bun would come out of hiding and move her babies on her own. HOURS went by, and we were getting very nervous for them. They looked only hours old. We ran to the pet shop and got ER food and eye droppers, in case Mama didn't show up by nightfall. I snuck out and checked by 10 last night (we were watching the meteor shower) and saw her moving the last one under our big cypress tree. *WHEW*

Now I don't know whether to keep my eyes peeled for a back-flipping pig or a large rat named Nicodemous next. I think I'd rather live in Nimh than Charlotte's Web, truth be told. Hmmm, I did see a power cord running out towards the vegetable patch... (Wait... Am I Mr. McGregor? I'll check to see if these bunnies start wearing bluw coats and clogs.)

This post brought to you by the "Foundation for People Sick of Bloggers Blogging About Livejournal and Nothing Else," an "It's A Million Degrees Outside" Corporation. :) (And a happy belated birthday to rainkatt!)

[ETA] Note: I am ONLY posting to LJ unless it's fic, which goes to IJ (stoney) but I will link HERE that I've posted... something. I'm not big on spamming flists, you see.

Comments

( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
illcoveryou_x
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:15 pm (UTC)
Hehehehehe. You make the funniest pictures.

OMG So I was just in my garage and a HUGE spider crawled down from the ciling right in front of me.. and it was eye level.... and I screamed "SPIIIIDERRR" at the top of my lungs. My brother just laughed.

Baby bunnies are teh adorablez.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, everything is better when shouted in a 300/Sparta voice!

Oh, the buns were SO SWEET. All teeny and wriggly and with wee little ears! Now to keep my serial killing cat indoors so she doesn't hunt them... =/
adnault
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:15 pm (UTC)
Seriously! That was amazing. I was really worried for the sheep there.

And even if I was a trained army commando, and was armed to the teeth and even had a snazzy little helmet and I cam around a corner and say that. I whould shit myself, grab ths spider and run.

No really the spider actually is scarier.
adnault
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
wow awful spelling

CAME around a corner and SAW that
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southernbangel
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC)
I LOVE THE SECRET OF NIMH. Mrs. Brisby FTW!

Is Aragog merely trying to lull you into a false sense of security before it strikes once more? I think so. WATCH YOUR FACE, STONEY.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC)
I AM TEWTALLY WATCHING MY FACE. I am going out to buy a hockey mask later. And a big knife.

...I may start hissing, "chee chee chee, ahh ahh ahh" while stalking about with the mask on and the knife.

(Or am I mixing my scary movies? No, Jason had the hockey mask. Michael had the Leatherface white thingy.)

I think the kids and I might watch Nimh today! I LOVE IT, TOO.
lilachigh
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:29 pm (UTC)
thank you for cheering me up! Isn’t it odd that other people’s troubles make you feel so much better. Is it only me who’s beginning to feel the teeniest bit sorry for Mrs Spider. I expect to see her marching up and down with a banner proclaiming "big is beautiful" and "down with anorexia"
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, she's not "large and in charge" she is a SVELTE KILLING MACHINE. She's lean and mean. When I see her abdomen swell, that's when we know babies are coming...

*cries*
sweptawaybayou
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
ha! you call that a spider?

come over here and we'll talk about spiders.

:D
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC)
As I said over in your post, you do realize it's the same type of spider, yeah? I just have a sucky camera-phone that can't get a high-quality picture. :D

Ours is the size (roughly) of my hand, spread. AHHHHHHH!!!!
coercion88
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
Rats of Nimh! Loves hard. Also, belated birthday greetings, you bitch that is a year younger than moi.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
I loved Nimh when I was little. Oh, Mrs. Frisby! (book version) Oh, Mrs. Brisby! (movie version)

And thank you very much for the b-day wishes! Does it help you to know I'll be playing OLDER than my actual age in an upcoming movie? Doesn't it usually work the other way around? o_0
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lynnenne
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
Yay for baby bunnies!
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
Six of them! The size of my THUMB!!! Aww, leetle wee cottontails...
marenfic
Aug. 13th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA! The overly dramatic music makes it fantastic. :D
thebratqueen
Aug. 13th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
OMGBUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!! *admires the wildlife of my backyard*
beadattitude
Aug. 13th, 2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
BUNNIES!!! SPIDERS!!! METEORS!!

And I think it's so cute that Mr. S was all freaky outy, poor guy. You've got an awesome, handsome dork there, babe. You're ALL adorkable ::ruffles everyone's hair::
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
Awww, he is SUCH a fierce hunter. :D (I think if they were large enough to eat, he wouldn't have been so adorable about it. Hahaha. Ahem.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
You bet!! And how awesome is it to stretch your birthday over a long period of time? THAT IS THE BEST. :D

*tickles*
kita0610
Aug. 13th, 2007 04:51 pm (UTC)
HIDE THE BUNS FROM THE GORRAM SPIDER.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:29 pm (UTC)
I HAVE, ZOMG. (I trembled with fear that the She Beast might spy them and think appetizer!!)
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madam_rptr
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
The bunniez are teh cutest. I've been off LJ for a while, so I've missed something going on with LJ? (kidding! No. I have missed it, but don't expect you to recap. I'll find it if I'm so inclined).


Happy belated birthday!
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
I've linked to the Ongoing Spider Drama™ should you feel the need to read up. Oh my stars, the bunnies were SO SWEET and teeny tiny.

Thank you very much for the birthday wishes! *hugs*
ruric
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:02 pm (UTC)
BUNNIES!

Baby bunnies make my day so very much better - thank you!

*G*
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC)
Heee, you are welcome!! They are secreted away in my barberry shrub, (a briar patch!) so they cannot be harmed. :D
enigmaticblues
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:20 pm (UTC)
*goes into silent laughter mode because I am in class and we aren't talking about funny things* I love your spider stories. And also, baby bunnies! Yay!

And thank you for being calm and rational about LJ.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
Dude, I am SOOO TIRED of talking about LJ. I'm ready for fic, pics, fun. stories... ANYTHING ELSE.

Baby bunnies!!!! They are so sweet. :)
menomegirl
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
SPIDER WEB!

*wibbles*

SO reading the tags at the bottom of your page before I click on your cuts.....*headdesk*

Dude. Flashback.

*shudders*

ps-you can spam my list all fucking day, chickie. i'm good with that.

and omg! isn't the heat horrible? i'm presently just damn.fucking.glad. there isn't a storm in the gulf right now.
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:32 pm (UTC)
*HOLDS YOU* I did not mean for you to flash back to the Walk of Horror!!!!

And the heat is ROTTEN. We're in our triple digits. It's almost too hot to walk from the pool chair to the pool. (Ahahaha.)

How pathetic that I'm already dreaming of fall. (Um, it has NOTHING TO DO with the kids going back to school. Ahem.)
brunettepet
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)
Oh, the bunnies! Keep that sheep eating spider away from the wee, small bunnies!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:35 pm (UTC)
That's why I called the soldiers! We have an M1Abrams stationed by the cucumbers targeting the web AS I TYPE. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:55 pm (UTC)
*books waxing appointment*

Mr. S. Definitely. (Hee!)

Mmmmm, black berries!!! I love blackberries. Once we get our pool/bakyard done, I plan on planting some blackberries and figs. Glah, I love fresh food!! Mmmmm.
fiveandfour
Aug. 13th, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
Whew - for a moment there I was afraid the story was going to end with some horrible collision between mama or baby bunnies and the Spider of Doom.

I know it's just pictures, but even still I'm shuddering here from those spider shots.

::Shudder::

::Shudder::

I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS. I'm sure they have a thing or two to say about me and my bloodthirsty habits when it comes to shooing them away, too, so we do our best to live separate lives. We're both happier after the separation, I'll put it that way.

::Shudder::
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOODNESS. No. There are no tales of baby/mama buns inside the Web O'Doom, for I would be too distraught to tell that one!

And I'm all for them living their lives far away from my beehive hairstyle and sleeping mouth. FAAAAAAAR away.
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essene
Aug. 13th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
OMG look at zee bunniez! Zey are zho, how you say...cute!

ACK! IT feeds and breeds! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL ARAGOG!
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
Zey are magnificant. Pair-fect-o. Tray-men-doo.

I CANNOT KILL ARAGOG! [/Hagrid] She's my friend! *cries*

Now, if you have a basilisk swanning about, I'll take that. :)
beadbeauty
Aug. 13th, 2007 09:36 pm (UTC)
1st of all, I couldn't read your Jacque Cousteau without doing the SPONGEBOB version of Jacque Cousteau.

2nd of all, I clicked on the link and Sam said "WHY IS THAT KID IN A WEB?" and we all started cracking up.

3rd of all, you are slightly in need of the short bus. That spidddahhh isn't going ot hurt you. It won't eat your face. Kill it and be done with it. Or, let it be... let it be.... let it beeee yeah let it be? Listen to words of wisdom... let it beeee EEEHHHH!!!

4th of all, we have 7 days of summer left. Today we went to Sunsplash (like Wet n' Wild) and totally did a Clark Griswold. Pulled into the parking lot and thought "WOOHOO! WE HAVE THE PARK ALL TO OURSELVES" unloaded the kids... and lo and behold- THE PARK WAS CLOSED FOR THE SUMMER. All lifeguards back to school so no swimming. So we went to the FREE park that is geared for 2-4 year olds that have water squirting out of the ground. It was 112 today.

I
Am
SPIDAAAHHHHHHHHHH
stoney321
Aug. 13th, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC)
1. Hahahaha, what's awesome is that while I was typing this up this am, the kids were watching Spongebob - that episode, ahaha.

2. Tell Sam it's because the child DROVE HIS MOTHER CRAZY AND IS BEING PROPERLY PUNISHED FOR NO QUIET TIME IN THE HOUSE.

3. Uh.... isn't it clear that I've let it be? Are you against humor? Have you completely lost your funny, Tiffychelle? Because that is sad. Thahts sahd.
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violethamster
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:11 am (UTC)
1) I almost didn't click on this post, which is a very funny post which has cute bunnies, because of my spider phobia. My spider phobia which made me think, this morning when I was driving and a small but hideous spider crawled on my arm, that it was a good idea to open the door while screaming and flailing to try to get rid of the spider. Luckily this did not result in any deaths, other than that of my right front wheel as I veered into the curb.

2) Bunnieeeeeeeeeeeeeees. omg I want to cuddle them so much. Despite the massive outbreak of hives that would result.

3) I have a very amusing birthday card for you. I should probably get off my lazy ass and send it so that you can appreciate its amusingness as well (hope you had a very wonderful birthday! :D ).
stoney321
Aug. 14th, 2007 12:17 pm (UTC)
1) I know what you mean. I was metaquoted, I checked out THAT post, and people were posting pics without a cut! It was almost as bad as walking upon a huge spider in RL, homg.
2) allergies? Awww. I have Claritin. *thrusts two weetinys into your palm* They are sew wriggly and schmall!
3) You do?!? Aw, you're the best. If you don't get to the P.O. (I have that same disease) I will admire your awesomeness from afar, (I had a terrific birthday, thank you!)
samsom
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:56 am (UTC)
I'm....I'm imagining baby bunnies caught up in a giant spider web, and I - well, I....

It's not pretty in my head right now.

And you sound more like Sasha (via Talledega, WHICH I CAN'T STOP WATCHING) than under-water explorer, btw.

It could be that I'm watching too much Talledega, though.
stoney321
Aug. 14th, 2007 12:15 pm (UTC)
DON'T IMAGINE IT!! *cuddles* The bunnies are safe, and the lambs ears by their warren are being munched on by Mama Bun, so they are well!

And there's no such thing as too much Talledega! Mmmmm, Sacha. I use his Ali G icon to take away the horror from your mind. :D
hellziggy
Aug. 14th, 2007 04:30 am (UTC)
Bunnehs!
See? My turning your Birthday Spider of Doom into a Birthday Bunneh worked! Yay!
stoney321
Aug. 14th, 2007 12:12 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, so it did!
( 59 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

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