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How appropriate for a Monday...

I was lucky enough to entertain the fabulous marenfic and southernbangel for the weekend, where we ate just about everything in this town that wasn't nailed down. In case they fail to mention it, we were at the Texas State Fair this weekend where Lee threw up because she's a big ol' baby we ate a FRIED LATTE. Before you make noises of derision/disgust, it may be the best thing I've ever had in my mouth. (Side note, my fave hillbilly joke. Hillbilly girl #1 says, "My mama lost my birth certificate so we don't know if I'm 11 or 14." Hillbilly girl #2 asks, "Well, what's the best thing you've ever had in your mouth?" 1 says, "Hmmm, that'd have to be mama's gooseberry pie." 2: "You're 11.")

Fried Latte: cinnamon puff pastry flash fried. Scoop of cappuccino ice cream. Whipped cream. Instant coffee granules sprinkled on top. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I took a picture of the woman that made it, because she is an American Hero. Haha. We also witnessed a totally hot chick getting a CARNIES' DIGITS. A carny, people. She was way hot, too. Huh. Some girls like to slum it, I suppose. In conclusion: I loved having them here, and it was excellent timing. Nothing like a weekend with two awesome, funny, SMART women who are up for anything. \o/

Now, I would like to share some bad!fic. People, it's been too long. Too long.

In the "What the hell does that word mean?" category:
Raye locked lips with Amy and plunged her thung inside, massaging Amy's thung

Is that like... cunt and thing? WHAT IS A THUNG for 800, Alex.


In the "that's... okay, no seriously. When you string letters together, they make WORDS. They also have meanings. You should honor that." category:
I'd never rape anyone who didn't want it

IF THEY WANT IT, IT ISN'T RAPE. It's called: CONCENTUAL.


In the "Punctuation? I don't need your stinking punctuation! I shall make my OWN! And it shall in no way resemble YOUR punctuation, for it is MINE and UNIQUE! Also, I didn't pay attention in school much" category:
This is how i display conversation
talk "..."
whispering "(...)"



In the "AHAHAHAHA, what?!?!" category:
"I'm Sally Jane Johnson, but people around here call me Chicabo!"
Best. Nickname. EVER.


In the "oooooooOOOUUUUUUUUCH!" category:
Rufus looked at Aeris' face as she tried to bear the pain of having pipes shoved up her pee hole, vagina and ass. "So beautiful, like an angel...."


1. PEE HOLE.
2. What the hell kind of bible pictures is this Rufus dude looking at to think the tubed-chick looks like an angel, and
3. how can I avoid that version of heaven??



And really, I need to put this whole passage up here. It speaks for itself:
Chicabo lowers Tifa to the sandy ground, then just looks at her smiling. "Do me! Please..." Said Tifa lustfully. "Do me HARD!""What.. ever.. you.. say.. Honey!" Chicabo spreads Tifa's legs and pokes her fingers into her vagina. "OH YEA!" Chicabo then begins to pump hard with her hand, feeling all over the inside,reaching the womb sometimes. "OHHHHH... YES YES YES YES YESMMMMMM...... DO ME! DO ME! DO ME! AAAAHHHHHHHH.......AH AH AHAH AH AH... I'M GONNA I'M GONNA I'M GOING TO... OHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO CUM.... I'M I'M OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tifa came, all over Chicabo's arm, and then collapsed."Oh.... Your really good!" Said Tifa as Chicabo licked the cum off of her arm. "Mmmmm, Best cum I've tasted in a while!" Chicabo got up and mounted Tifa in the 69 position. "Now, we do each other!" Chicabo plunged her thung into Tifa's cunt. Tifa raises her head and does the same, as well as stroking Chicabo's ass with her hands. Soon, muffled moans could be heard on both ends of Chicabo.

"mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM MMM MM MM m MMMMMM!" They both cum into each other's mouths. "MMM, I love the taste of you Honey!" "I like yours too, except, it tastes different than usual,almost like some vegetable." "I put Greens in my pussy!"




AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, anyone that wants to call me names for MSTKing bad!fic, I ASK YOU. Greens!! In her PUSSY! Not to mention the stutter...type...ing. It's totally hot when someone pokes your vag, ferserioz. "The 69 position" AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNG!?!? And this line: "muffled moans could be heard on both ends of Chicabo" makes me think of the old Richard Pryor joke about queefing (sp? wtfever, people) during sex: "It's talking to you, Daddy!" AHAHAHAHA EW.

And seriously, if you read this story in the Chinpokomon, Ahhhh? voice from South Park, it's HILARIOUS.


From a fic about a farm girl having "sex" for the first time (which is one time more than the author):

  • "the inside walls of my cuntslit being pushed aside as the cock forced a channel for itself inside me" CUNTSLIT. That's like saying "fried fries" or "gap-hole." Also, THERE ALREADY IS A CHANNEL FOR THE DICK. That's... god dammit, I don't believe in kids writing smutty fanfic. LOOK AT A BOOK, author.

  • "my cunt lips and asshole squashed against the chair seat" ...or you could say you were sitting down. Um, in case you (the author) weren't sure how to describe that action.

  • "my entire cunt pit burning with astonishment" Her ass bag, however, was burning with shame, while her throat tube burned with stomach acid and her face meat burned with battery acid. CUNT PIT? And they have emotions, as well?!

  • "I felt my cunt tingle with a kind of hungry longing." Okay, she just answered my question. LONGING AND HUNGRY birth canal. (Someone misunderstood the vagina dentata myth...)

  • "my pulpy wet cunt mound" THIS IS NOT A GOOD SENTENCE.

  • "until it's end mashed against the back wall of my cunt once again" Is it wrong that I'm more bothered by the misplaced apostrophe?

  • The girl now has two dildoes glued to her saddle, and is straddling them. "I could feel them rubbing together deep inside my guts" If they're in your fallopian tubes and colon, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.




Further proof that some people should have HAD sex before they can WRITE sex (or at least WATCH some sex):

  • The front cock sawed away at my clit

  • the two rods embedded in my groin, and churning my guts into a pulpy mass

  • Up and down, up and down, UP!... DOWN!... UP!... DOWN!... UP! DOWN!UP! DOWN! UP!DOWN!UP!DOWN!UP!DOWN! UPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWN!!!!!


...in case you weren't sure how it works. See, you put them in you, then you pull them out. Then they go back in, and then slide out. Then... you put them back in. Do you need to write this down? I can wait while you grab a pen.

...okay, so they go in, then out. Then? Are you ready for this? THEY GO BACK IN!!


In the "DO NOT WANT" category:

  • I was intensely excited and stimulated even without his plunging, pistoning doggie cock.

  • my tight buttery cunt sheath Insert inappropriate Paula Deen/butter comment here

  • and then I felt a gush of hot juice shooting down into my guts as that big bulge in his cock exploded inside me. I realized Tom had just cum, had just sprayed a load of doggie sperm into my womb AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

  • his spiky prick sliding up and down my little cunt tunnel and deep into the center of my soul. INTO HER SOUL, PEOPLE. Her Soul? A dog-fucker.




THIS WAS WHERE I HAD TO STOP. Um, to take a breather from laughing. But there's more. So much more... Please see this space for further bad!fic posts... I'm off to exercise and work off the fried lattes...

Comments

( 94 comments — Leave a comment )
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ladycat777
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC)
Weee, bad!fic! Yay! I've missed this from you :)

Also, homg, that sounds awesome. I'm glad ya'll had a good time!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC)
Oh, man. I was sad that I couldn't find any more really horribly awesome bad!fic. It was because I wasn't looking at Sailor Moon fandom!!!

Oh, we had a great time! I now need to go work off the three pounds I gained this weekend.... :D
a2zmom
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you had a time and a halff with the ladies. No fried coke though? (I am secretly relieved.)


And please call me Chicabo from now on.

my tight buttery cunt sheath

Is it wrong that my thoughts turned to popcorn?
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC)
We were worn out by the time we got to the fried coke. (I've been told it's suprisingly good. I'm taking the kids next week, so I'll be sure to try some JUST FOR YOU. :D)

Chicabo. What the WHAT, R?!? AHAHAHA, the funny thing about you saying popcorn is how in one chapter, the main character reaches for popcorn in the other's lap and accidentally ends up stuffing her fingers in the girl's twat. Because it feels just like a tub of popcorn?! WTF?
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southernbangel
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC)
"my entire cunt pit burning with astonishment"

Amazingly enough, my entire cunt pit was just burning with amusement at this whole post. I think I may need to change my panties now.

There is so much DO NOT WANT in those bad!fic examples. Is churning someone's guts into a pulpy mess really that hot? Apparently so.

I think the Carny Ficathon is still an EXCELLENT idea, by the way. I'm totally writing Hot Chick/Carny Worker at our ride, yo. Wonder if he fucked up against his trailer on Saturday night after he got off work?

I'm thinking of getting a deep fryer so I can make funnel cakes and fried lattes all year round. I'd like to be dead of a heart attack by this time next year.

*asscones you* I MISS YOU.

stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD, THE CARNY FICATHON!!! Yes, yes, yes!! I'm totally going to write one tonight, I believe. \o/

Let's post about that! (I love the idea of that chick doing him against his raggedy RV. He can push her tangerine halter up and mouth her tits with his gaped toothed smile, mmmmmm.)

HAHAHAHA, Jess emailed me last night asking if I had a fry daddy so I can make those fried lattes, and I was sad realizing I DIDN'T have a fry daddy!! I need to figure out how to make the fried guac bites, too...

I ASSCONE YOU, MY LEE!!! <3 <3 <3
globalfruitbat
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
Did y'all have FUNNEL CAKE? 'Cause southernbangel keeps talking about it and I am sooo jealous -- we don't have it up here in the Frozen North :(.

Also? My stomach hurts from trying to hold in my giggles -- I shouldn' read bad!fic posts in class.
_tayler
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC)
-- we don't have it up here in the Frozen North
Dude...we have 'Beavertails'...which are even better!
Fried dough rocks!
;D
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noir7
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
Oh God. I'm trying so hard not to laugh. I'm at work, for cryin' out loud, and I pride myself on hiding my LJ obsession. Stop being so damn funny! *glares* ;)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
*WORKS ON IT*
*shrouds self in grey sackcloth and reads Anne Rice*

Heeee! Oh man, the stuff I DIDN'T post!!
beanbeans
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
Dying of LOL! Send HALP!
::wipes loltears::

I keep calming down, then going back to read more, because I'm crazy, apparently. CAN'T! BREATHE!

::loves you omfg::
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
Isn't this AMAZING? Like, someone wrote this, stood back, hands on hips, BEAMED, and clicked "post." And waited for glorious feedback.

WOW!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3
camkin
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)
"I put Greens in my pussy!"

i nearly busted a gut over this one.
i actually had out my hands over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
(at work and all)

thank you for this public service that you provide!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:59 pm (UTC)
*bows*

Oh my goodness, the GREENS. Of course, I'm thinking mustard greens, swiss chard... Something like mint or the like could be beneficial, I suppose? (WOW.)
_tayler
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:52 pm (UTC)
Did I mention that you slay me darlin'?
*busts a gut*
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
*emergency appendectomy*

CLEAR! *defibrillates* HEEE.
lynnenne
Oct. 1st, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
CAN'T BREATHE FOR LAUGHING!!!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
HOLY CRAP LYNNE, GREENS IN HER LADYBITS.

GREENS. Salad. (Endive? Ooooh, and it's phallic! Hahaha.)
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tabaqui
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:11 pm (UTC)
Ooooooooooooh, my. OKay. The mental vision of someone's insides being churned to a pulpy mass by a cock is just...wow...*such* a turn-off. omfg.

And i'm thinking 'thung' is how this poor, illiterate fool spells 'tongue'. Wow.

Fried dough! I adore funnel cakes. This latte thing....i dunno. Instant coffee granules sounds weird.
*waves*
Hi!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:29 pm (UTC)
I mean... clearly this author has no idea how basic biology works in relation to humans. O_O I'm wondering if "thung" is a word used in some anime, because it's in a few other fics in this fandom. WHAT ON EARTH.

I have to say, I was skeptical of the latte dish, too, and I'm picky about what things I put in my mouth. The coffee sprinkles made it DELISH. (Have you ever eaten chocolate covered coffee beans? It was like that, ground up and sprinkled on top. YUM, seriously.)

HELLO!!
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chantal87
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
Oh Chicabo I think I love you.
I wonder if I can get a little hot pepper sauce with those collard greens?
This was fabulous as ever L.
You da lady!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
My Chicabo i think i love you too. "(and by love i mean i whisper tee hee)"

WHAT THE WHAT. I will also love you until you are a pulpy mass mound.
sdwolfpup
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
Why are you reading Final Fantasty 7 fic!?!?! Heee. Wow, those were PAINFUL, stoney. But hilarious. COMEDY HURTS.

I have to admit, I didn't get the gooseberry pie joke in your first paragraph, though. Can you explain it to me and thereby beat to death any of the funny in it?
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
I am trolling various fic comms for bad!fic - I'm not like... into FF7 fic. Or Sailor Moon fic. HEEEEEE!! (It's a public service to make your Mondays better, T. *G*)

And here we go, because we both know that explaining jokes makes them FUNNIER: clearly a 14 year old would have had a dick in her mouth, so that's how we know she's only 11. *G*

RED TWENTY TWO! RED TWENTY TWO! *slow-mo football pass* Let's see that... in a reverse!
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mireille719
Oct. 1st, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
I am pretty sure, from context, that "thung" = tongue.

But STONEY. GREENS IN HER GIRLPARTS. You know I'm thinking collards, too. *headdesk*
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
But they are riding on chocobos, which... WHAT?! I've seen "thung" in Sailor Moon, FF7, and Gundam Wing fandoms. Is it some weird anime term? Or are people mistranslating tongue, like you suggest?! (I like thinking it's some new reference to hentai, or something. Hahaha!)

GREENS. What on earth!?!? Why is that hot? My ladybits do not want any oregano, basil, chard, endive, etc. THEY DO NOT. Now, if I was Buffy, a vanilla bean would clearly be acceptable, and if I was Willow, strawberries are fine. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 05:04 pm (UTC)
YES YES YES!! It has to be alien sex, because Thung is in LOTS of fics, not by this author!!! WHAT ON EARTH, ANNE!!!

We had so much fun - they're both so smart and funny and love all the best foods. Plus, they indulged me by seeing all the 4H exhibits at the fair, which I never get to do because of how allergic to animal dander (not cats or dogs) The Boy is. <3
brunettepet
Oct. 1st, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC)
What fandom spawned the sheer awsomeness of this badfic? I have tears on my cheeks from the laughter/horror.

Maybe the hot chick wanted to get some prison tats just like the carny, or sell him dental insurance...
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
We have both Sailor Moon and Final Fantasy representing up top. *flashes gang fandom signs*

And the best? I'M NOT DONE. This was ONE PAGE from each of these stories. ONE. PAGE.
spuffyduds
Oct. 1st, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
Oh god. I was laughing so hard that ONE SIDE of my face kept squinching up and I looked like Popeye.

Paula Deen slayed me. ("Ah just wish Y'ALL could taste this!") But I think my very favorite part was, after the extremely descriptive and grotesque sex scene, the strange perky formality of "Now, we do each other!"
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)
But!! you made it through, because you're strong to the finish cuz you ate your spinach!

I love the playful-fun tone the girls have with each other, too. It's like the worst Japanese pop culture filtered through a Missouri teen's idea of anime sex...
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
God, I know, right!? Just... BODIES DON'T WORK LIKE THAT.

(Maybe this is produced by right-wing Christians as a way to promote abstinence? If so, GENIUS!)
darlas_mom
Oct. 1st, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
I want to eat a fried latte!

Glad your weekend rocked. :-D

Oh, God...greens? Really? Really, fic author? 'Cause I am now having this distinct memory of when the ice storm back in January took out my electricity for a week and all my frozen vegetables thawed and went bad and that smell was SO GODDAMN HORRIBLE that when I was cleaning out the freezer, I actually sat on my kitchen floor, holding my mouth with one hand and my stomach with the other, dry heaving until my ribs ached.

You might say I felt as if my guts had been churned into a pulpy mass. ;-)

Where do you keep finding this stuff???

On a semi-related note (in that it involves fic and presumably trying to write something decent that doesn't get mocked across the web ;-)), if you have any time, could you help me with Mormon stuff?
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:38 pm (UTC)
Hogod, the fried latte was NUM TASTIC. I highly recommend everyone eats it in their lifetime. YUM.

I look for the bad stuff, otherwise, life would be tres boring, non? :D

And sure! You can email me at stoney321@livejournal[dot]com.
darlas_mom
Oct. 1st, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC)
P.S. A quick Googling for "thung" reveals that the only solid definition for it is that it is "the most popular type of country music in Thailand."

Think about that for a while.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:39 pm (UTC)
Maybe she thinks cucumbers (cum-cumbers) are greens? Because... WHY ARE YOU PUTTING GRASS IN YOUR NONI?

You don't pull on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, and you don't mess around with pipes in your peehole. OR JUST ABOUT ANY BODILY ORIFICE.
kita0610
Oct. 1st, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
You made Angel cry.
a2zmom
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:04 pm (UTC)
Big deal. Everything makes that wussy boy cry. Don't you read fanfic?
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midnightsjane
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
OMG, Stoney, you just made me spit my coffee all over my poor computer! Bwaahaahaaa!!!!!
Now, I admit that my social scene has been somewhat lacking for awhile....but damn, if this is what sex is all about, I think I'm going to get that bumper sticker Born Again Virgin after all.
:snerk:

Fried lattes! You Texans have interesting tastes in food..

stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
You should know better than to have a drink/food near the 'puter when there is bad!fic around!! *sends you wipes*

The state fair here always has something (or somethings) strange to eat every year. But I have to say, the fried latte was absolutely delicious. (And only the pastry is fried.)
diachrony
Oct. 1st, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
Obviously by "greens" they meant "cucumber."

And in other news, I am now craving a fried latte.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I said as much in another comment up top! *brain twins!*

Man, ME TOO. Yumtastic!
cityphonelines
Oct. 1st, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
Is 'pulpy' the pr0n word du jour? Why were we not on the panel to veto?

Also? WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNG?!?

I want a cinnamon-less fried latte.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
*licks all the cinnamon off* Here ya go.

I mean, REALLY. WHAT IS A THUNG?! It's all over that anime world, ferserioz! I'm reading a few more (crie - one of them is about a 7 year old) trying to FIGURE THIS OUT. WHAT IS IT?
dancetomato
Oct. 1st, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
Your joke reminds me of my favorite joke ever. Be forewarned: it's crass and gross.

Q: How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is on the rag?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

*rimshot*
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2007 10:52 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. Because it's true. :D
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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