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THIS WEEK FLEW BY. Awesome.

(I cannot even wrap my head around the awesomeness of The Office, y'all. I <3 everything about it. EVERYTHING.)

Note: when I read "his/her intentions were clear" in a story, I think a) they're about to rape someone, b) they're going to get their quilting on!, c) someone is about to addendum their 1099s for their Schedule C, bitchez! or d) I assume the next sentence will read: "they were going to possibly intrigue someone with their enigma like quality while standing in the shadows and mumbling."

IT ISN'T CLEAR IF YOU DON'T USE WORDS. You are a writer. Use your words. Otherwise, you're a mime.



From a story where the "man" has two penises, one on top of the other. Like a rhino, but apparently not instilling you with fear. Now, "she" has just finished sucking off the double-dick dynamo (why don't people use alliteration more? It's so FUN.) where he came for TWO MINUTES, and his penis was SO HUGE that it was sitting in her throat, past her tonsils, and he shot his "slimy wad" straight into her stomach, to the point where she feels like she's "overeaten." (I mean, he's going for two minutes after all) Who isn't turned on by THIS? Here's the next bit:

Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until I felt his dicks touching both of my holes that I remembered about his twin dicks. Knowing what he intended, I was paralyzed with fear, fear of the pain I knew would come, the pain I could do nothing to prevent. I found myself thankful that he had allowed me to lubricate his dick first, and that realization chilled me more than anything else.


HOW DID SHE FORGET HE HAD TWO? I mean, while he's got his hosepipe down her esophagus, wasn't #2 slapping her face, jabbing her eye... Or was it the lower cock? Because then, it would be choking her, pinching off her esophagus and... Ah. Making her throat tighter, thus giving D3 a better erection! I see. (We'll just ignore the double ball sacs. Which the author spelled ballsacks.)

D3 then uses his double Ds to his best advantage: "Both of my cherries were robbed from me, at the exactly same time" CHERRIES. Okay, I get the whole frat boy use of this word, but some of these kids writing fic.... I think they feel there is LITERALLY a cherry up there. When we all know it's a kumquat.

And I don't know what's going on with the teens of today, but I keep reading these fics with consensual rape - when I don't know there's rape involved, because they're LOVE STORIES. I know. WHAT?!!? you may be asking yourself. But it's the latest and the greatest: someone is raped, but they really WANT it, and these kids today with their nonsense...

Finally sated, Machamp cried out “Machaaaaamp!!”, and pushed himself as far into me as he could get while his upper cock released the second load of the night. It felt hot and slimy as it made its way up my intestines, a strange feeling, but actually quite soothing after the fiery pain of the anal rape.

Words that aren't hot: LOAD. Oh, and "fiery pain of the anal rape." But I'm totally excited about screaming my own name as I climax, like Machamp. I'll carry the "o" sound for a long time, because guttural tones from a woman are sexy. And yes, I call out my "handle" when having sex. DON'T YOU?

Lastly: WORKED ITS WAY INTO MY INTESTINES??? [insert picture of failboat] [insert cat macro reading "you're doing it wrong] [insert a Machamp into intestines] Um... scratch that last one.

*deep cleansing breath*

I'm throwing a party tonight and need to get food items, clean the house, buy a cute top so I look sassy, buy ashtrays because they're all smokers, write out my proposed menu so I don't forget something. I'm very much looking forward to hanging out with folks from my movie. \o/ Tomorrow is the Red River Rivalry, so there will be foosball in my future of yayness (or ultimate sorrow - SCREW YOU, OU) And I need to finish making a pattern for these drapes that are kicking my ass. Note to the public: arched windows are a pain in the ass to cover. Especially when the ceiling is arched, as well. Hey pattern makers of the world: it would be SUPER if y'all made drapes for these so I don't screw up with hundreds of dollars worth of fabric, thanks. (Lee? I went a different way with the border, and it looks AWESOME. Pics to come after a few days.)

HAPPY FRIDAY. (And if you want to read more bad!fic on your own, check out my bad!fic tag at de.li.cious. Next week? I share the worst of the Bible_slash. WOW. The modern talk on Jesus/Judas!! I ROFLed reading "cock" from Jesus' mouth. Ahahaha. And the girl-hate is built in with Mary Magdalene REALLY being a whore!! Heee.)

Comments

( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
mpoetess
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaahahaha you are reading Pokemon badporn? Ahahahaahahahaha.

I, uh, laugh near you, not at you.

In the writer's defense (....................WHUT, self? WHUT?) that's at least oddly canon; the pokemon can't say anything but their own names. (Also they're pretty much animals, so yay bestiality, too! FTW!
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:15 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I forgot that point about Pokemon!!

And now I'm hearing a guttural/pornographic "Piiiiiiikachu!" as it climaxes. WTF. *cracks the hell up*
mireille719
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:20 pm (UTC)
But it's the latest and the greatest: someone is raped, but they really WANT it, and these kids today with their nonsense...

Clearly, they're reading their grandma's romance novels. (Because for the past 15-20 years at least, romance novels have been moving away from the whole "rape = True Love" thing, and many publishers now seem to have it in their guidelines. Even for historicals (which are pretty much all I read except Jennifer Cruisie).
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
Oh, yeah. There's definite overtones of Harlequin romances (and Jude Devareaux and her ilk) where the man has to force himself on the woman to SHOW HER what love is. o_0

But combining the "Scottish Laird and the Princess with a drunken lout for a father" in Pokemon, with a double cock, and anal rape... It's a bit jarring. :D

The craziest thing I've come across in fandom was someone who claimed to love (and write!) fluffy non-con. WHAT THE HELL.
mireille719
Oct. 5th, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
Well, one week's challenge at open_on_sunday a couple of years ago was "funny non-con." Clearly there's something I'm not getting.

I'm boggled enough by anyone who wants to write Pokemon porn. (Not horrified, not OMG GET OUT OF FANDOM, just... boggled.)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:02 pm (UTC)
my little brother wrote pokemon and gundamn wing fic. Not porn, THANK GOD. but still. WHY?

Funny non-con? Is that where you accidentally slip and fall on a dick? Or more like "The World According to Garp" when the mom climbs on a dying man's erection? WOW.
mireille719
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
Well... I can get the Pokemon fic that's about the human characters, or that's like the episodes--you can write your own Pokemon adventure! If I was 20 years younger, I probably would have done that when I was a kid.


Funny non-con? Is that where you accidentally slip and fall on a dick?


That was my guess. A lot of people decided to make "non-consensual" apply to something other than sex, which is probably the safest way to handle it, but the fact that the concept *occurred* to someone was enough to make me go "b'zuh?"
xochitl42
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
Can't write...from so...much...badfic...much needed...to start a sluggish Friday...

I was recovering quite nicely until you hit us with Bible_slash.

I'm going to crawl in a hole and die. Come revive me in three days. [tuneless innocent whistling]

I'm glad you're haivng your par-tee! An good luck on those curved windows. It sounded workable until you threw in the arched ceilings...
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:27 pm (UTC)
Gargh, I know! In my dining room, I have a 22 ft. ceiling with an arched window, but the wall is square. I just put a rod way up there, and it's nice and dramatic. But in my kitchen/breakfast nook, I have the same height, but the walls are angled so the topmost portion is only 24 inches wide, but the overall window is 70 inches wide. ARGH.

And bible-slash!! I mean, I'm not opposed to people writing their kinks, it's just that so much of it is so LAUGHABLE. *rubs hands with glee* Have a good weekend, cookie!!
demonqueen666
Oct. 5th, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
I...never knew Machamp had two dicks. You'd think I would have picked that up from all my wasted hours of youth Pokemon-watching (I knew the whole Pokerap, people. IT'S SHAMEFUL).

Now I'm wondering if anyone's ever written fic that takes advantage of Likitong's massive tongue. Dear god, what have I done??
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC)
I would not be surprised if you found fic based on your query - I have tons of links to bad anime (that's the place to go now for bad!fic) that lend me to believe it exists. And possibly fifteen different fics, too.

You could use this site as a jumping off point...
southernbangel
Oct. 5th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
I love The Office so much, but I gotta say, I prefer the 30-minute format. I think that works best for the show and the characters, but honestly, can there ever been too much Office? I don't think so.

Bad fic FTW! "Fiery pain of the anal rape"? She FORGOT he had two dicks? W.T.F. I know I always forget when I'm with a dude who has two dicks. It's so easy to do so.

Ooo, I can't wait to see pictures of the curtains!! I'm sure they are gorgeous!! Did you end up getting Burma Tuscany? That fabric was fantastic--the colors were perfect for your house.

Have fun at your par-tay tonight! I'm going to see my parents this weekend and tonight I will (hopefully) be shopping for some more gorgeous pottery. You know the pieces I have above my cabinets? Well, the lady who handmakes them is going to be at this festival again and I AM SO EXCITED. I love pottery.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:04 pm (UTC)
*makes note of the pottery love*

Oooh, how exciting your weekend will be!! And no, I didn't go with the rust/browns, as Mr. S said there's enough. I went for another one that is tans and the yellow-green on the walls, a touch (the outline of the paisley) of brick red, and a light blue. But seriously: it works. Also, we may be changing out some of our things to reduce the red, as the Mister is worn out by it. :D (But I looooooove Red, as evidenced by EVERYTHING I OWN, zomg.)
marenfic
Oct. 5th, 2007 05:53 pm (UTC)
I love the red. You should adopt my basic rule, which is that Mr. Maren gets only half-a-vote to my two because he does not have as good of taste as me.
lynnenne
Oct. 5th, 2007 03:36 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:03 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!

Oh, Lynne. I love you for your readiness to mock the stupid with me. <3
lynnenne
Oct. 5th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
Mocking makes the stupid bearable.
fireflykiwi
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
I don't normally leave comments like this but...Go Sooners!

(Gotta go with my alma mater here....)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
You can stick with that normal commenting style. *g*

HOOK 'EM HORNS!
globalfruitbat
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:08 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
Pika Pika!!

*goes to jail for obviously having sex with a six year old*

NOTE TO LJ: we are joking.
aimeelicious
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:10 pm (UTC)
Dude. That bad!fic is just the baddest ever. Ouch. It kind of frightens me a bit that there are people (kids?) out there with this idea of sex in their heads. Zomg.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. But one day, when all of their friends in their mmorpg collect all the funds from a paypal account to buy him/her a hooker, the hooker will show them the way.

God bless those hookers.
brunettepet
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
That sex scene was the antithesis of sexy. It was actually gross and frightening. Ballsacks? That's what I carry my hackysacks in when I follow String Cheese around the country.

Yay, Par-tay! A local brewery makes a beer called "OU Sucks" just for this rivalry. So dumb, and, yes, it sells like hot cakes.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
It really, really wasn't sexy. Even the Chicabo/Greens fic was sexier than this. AND THAT IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.

It is silly. Because they only sell it once a year. :D HOOK 'EM HORNS!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:12 pm (UTC)
God, I am SO HAPPY that I skipped the whole Pokemon phenom by being a poor single mother when my son was young enough/the craze took off. WHEW.

(Polly Pockets are hard enough to keep up with, ditto LEGOs. Oh, did you know that you can go to lego.com and design your own playland? And they'll make it and ship it to you?! How cool is that!)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
Yes yes!! Our neighbors showed us that, and you can imagine how exited The Boy is about it. Holiday presents for him are chosen!
a2zmom
Oct. 5th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
See, my mind immediately turns to practical matters.

Does he have to buy pants with an extra loose fly to stuff those two dicks in?

Does he wait until everybody else is through at the urinal so as not to frighten anyone. Or, maybe, he likes there to be a full house so he can make all those one dick types jealous.

Cam he piss and come at the same time?

Questions, so many questions.

marenfic
Oct. 5th, 2007 05:51 pm (UTC)
Can he have erectile dysfunction in only one?

Is one smaller than the other, and if so, does it have penis envy?

Can he frotteur himself? (this may explain why he calls out his own name- force of habit)

All valid questions.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA.

1. I'm thinking a kilt would be helpful here.
2. I bet this guy not only whips it out in public, but aims into two urinals, just to show he can.
3. Those people that like to be pissed on would be his "type" if so.

*strokes chin* (Hee!)
lumenara
Oct. 5th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD STONEY WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED.

Yes, I looked at your bad!fic links. OH DEAR LORD, WOMAN.

The air was thick with penises.

stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA! OMG, aren't there some doozies out there?! Holy smokes.

Um... be careful with the one about the 7 year old anime character's birthday party where she's raped by all her family members. And it's written like it's a fluffy fun sex romp. O_O
lumenara
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC)
Um, yeah. I just found that one and decided to make judicious use of my back button.

"Feel free to read this if you are under 18" has never before been so creepy.

I have no icons for this level of wrongness.

Why am I still reading this terrible thing with the pokemon? WHY, STONEY?
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC)
Because - like me - it's akin to rubbernecking on the highway (which I don't do, and all that tension builds up so I channel it into BAD!FIC.)

And now you know my ultimate secret. I've sent you a cyanide pill. :D
lumenara
Oct. 5th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
You know that the... individual who wrote that has a bunch of other... stories there? *hurriedly closes *that* tab, too*

Oh, consistent and ridiculous misspellings. You help keep things in perspective. (Nibbles? Really? Do you actually not know that they're "nipples"? And you can't tell that "exited" is different from "excited"? What the hell is going on here?)
marenfic
Oct. 5th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
See why I have a job? Also, see why I want to cry when I hear kids are getting abstinence only education?

Hot slimy loads of cum. Smexy.
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 07:16 pm (UTC)
Hot slimy wads of love juice sliding up my cuntslit, you make a good point.

If only I knew more about my cunt tunnel and how throbbing red rods that spew baby batter up there worked, I wouldn't have gotten anally raped, which was a relief, because I don't want to get pregnant, and I want to remain a virgin and give my cherry to someone special.
marenfic
Oct. 5th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
I took my own cherry and froze it whole in the freezer, so I can let boys and girls take it over and over and over again.

My love flaps love a good meat stick, so it's come in handy.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 5th, 2007 09:02 pm (UTC)
I got it, yo! I found some stuff for that, no worries.

YAY FOR TONIGHT.
enigmaticblues
Oct. 5th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
Um...was that supposed to be sexy? Really? Wow.

I don't get the whole non-con=sexy thing. At all. I've read a few romance novels where that has come up and smacked me in the face, and I've refused to read the authors again. And I've run across it in fanfic. I just don't understand.
domenowtrent
Oct. 5th, 2007 10:30 pm (UTC)
POKEMON PORN???


Alos, Road to Zarahemla coming to theaters soon! All about how the Lamanites kidnapped Captain Moroni's daughter!!! I cannot even make this stuff up.
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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