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More Tales Of Stupid People!

Okay, it's gotten UUUUUUGLY around here, what with all the idjits and the racism and Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter "facts" (hint: Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are liars. Did you know?) So how about we move into the realm of people so dumb, so witless, that you can't help but laugh and be pleased that you may be something, but you're not this stupid. YAY!

And remember: there's a reason why Florida has its own tag at FARK. (stories collected by the BFF)


1. A co-worker of the BFF (who works for a private firm that does nothing but gov't work - I'll let that sink in slowly) was arrested Wednesday for "armed robbery." 'Scuse, ATTEMPTED "armed robbery." (The quotation marks are important.)

a) he tried robbing a THEATER BOX OFFICE (get a visual, it's important)
b) and he used - not a gun - but NUN CHUCKS.

...

He jabbed the end of a wooden handle through the little slot that cards/tickets come through. And demanded all their money. NUN CHUCKS.


2. Her manager came into the office on Saturday to catch up on some paperwork - no one should have been there. He heard weird noises, and moved towards the nest of cubicles to investigate. A midget/little person (I know little person is preferred, but that is the word that sounds offensive to my ears, ack) popped up, clearly drunk/altered. He started ranting and raving for water. The manager pointed him to a water fountain. The person couldn't reach the fountain, so the manager had to pick him up and hold him to the water stream. ...this drunken, altered, raving stranger that broke in. !!!


3. Hallowe'en, a few years ago. One office worker, who has a beard and longish hair, dressed up as Socrates in a toga. The CEO walked into the hallway, saw a brown-haired (blue eyed *cough*) man in a toga, and believed Jesus the Christ was visiting him, presenting him with a vision.

...while taking care of some filing.

"And lo, the Alpha and the Omega didst continue his scroll organizing, never ceasing. And Peter doth asked, Lord, why dost thou sort them so? And the Lord spake unto him, saying, "For McK dost come before McL and divers other Mc names. And I tell you, Peter, that there are other flocks than these, and they shall hath a tool that will drive a small spear through parchment, holding it together, and it shall be called Stapler, and it will be glorious in mine sight." Book of Caucasians, 4:28.* not an actual book in the Bible.


4. A fellow co-worker who ROUTINELY got drunk every day after lunch and curled up under his desk for a nap. (Every. Day.) He was not fired for this. What he was fired for was getting drunk and DANCING on top of his desk. Because he could destroy company property. (But being drunk and napping on salary is acceptable.) Two months later he was arrested for fatally stabbing his roommate. Moral of the story: let the potential murderer dance on his friggin' desk. Or you know... lock him up. *scale hands*)


5. (and my personal favorite) One of her co-workers became convinced that he was possessed by demons, and it was affecting his work. (I mean, naturally, right? Demons aren't known for their time management skills.) He then proceeded to TELL THE CEO that he was a) possessed by demons and that b) it was hurting his performance in the office, and c) he required AN EXORCISM. (As one would.)

The CEO (and I imagine him sitting in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin) nodded and AGREED. Not only that, but the COMPANY PAID FOR IT.

...

I would pay dearly for the chance to see that requisitions form go through HR. Or to work in an office where Voo Doo falls under their covered health care plan. GOOD HELL.

Shoo wee. Feel better? I sure do. Have a fabulous weekend and remember, kids: we're all on this rock together. Play nice or maybe someone won't play nice back.

(Oh, whoops! I meant to ask if anyone else is having issues getting the new Radiohead DL? I can NOT get that site to work - it just hangs on me every time. BAH! I'm very much enjoying the few songs I've heard and I'm itching for the whole thing, dammit!!)

Comments

( 65 comments — Leave a comment )
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sweetumms33
Oct. 12th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)
Good god...note to self, stay away from Florida. I think the drunk co-worker is the funniest/saddest. How doe that happen? And are their actual exorcists running around,waiting to get paid by crazy CEOs in Florida.

Your stories just get craaazier!
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
Apparently there ARE exorcist performers (what do you call those people? I mean, aside from charlatans?) running around the panhandle of Florida. WHAT ON EARTH!!
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brandil
Oct. 12th, 2007 01:34 pm (UTC)
Dude. The world is a wacky place. I can't get 401K and this guy got an exorcism? Clearly, I'm in the wrong line of work.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 01:38 pm (UTC)
I know, right?! And her co-workers show up in PAJAMA pants. And house shoes.

TO WORK.
a2zmom
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC)
I've been having a crapptastic day (did you see the troll who posted over at Fox's journal? Kita talks about it.) and you just improved it lots.

Thanks so much, hun.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
(I did - that's what I was alluding to without fanning the embers more, you know?)

Hahaha, the NUN CHUCKS. Talk about the worst thief ever...
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adnault
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
Florida is wack assed BUT I live in the "Wang" of the United States your BFF lives in the "Taint" also known as the pan handle.

I guess that would make Texas the balls or something and California the asshole?
diachrony
Oct. 12th, 2007 05:48 pm (UTC)
... HEY!!!

[ /Californian ]
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liz_marcs
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:25 pm (UTC)
Omigawd! You made me snort coffee out of my nose!

Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow!

The Book of Caucasians needs to be filmed and shown every Christmas.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEE. It's my favorite book of the New Testament. (As it's completely rewritable. Hey... I think it's the favorite of most modern Christians, too.) *G

*waits for the fire and brimstone from the generalization*
aimeelicious
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
ZOMG Stoney. SO. FUNNEH.

And lo, the Alpha and the Omega didst continue his scroll organizing, never ceasing.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I am eternally grateful for your brain.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
I aim to please, I aim to please.

*g*
ladycat777
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
When I read Drew's book, he addressed the frequent comments from Farkers asking for, oh, a Texas tag or something. And his reply is: nobody, nobody has the consistent output of widely varied, all insane, events as Florida. Other states get some, but not nearly as much.

I? Am never moving to Florida. Dear god.

You are awesome. These totally have made my morning.

Oooo, I should get RadioHead. Maybe next week, when I has money.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
Oooh, the great thing about the Radiohead dl is you get to say how much you want to buy it for! And... that can be 0.

(I was trying to give them the equivalent of 10 US dollars, but their site wouldn't work for me. Harumph. I'll try again tonight when the internet tubes aren't so packed.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, I'm right there with you on the gleeful/depressed angle, because hooo boy!

I STILL cannot believe a COMPANY paid for an employee's EXORCISM. (And I wonder... did they have a Catholic exocism? Voo Doo? Haitian? Inquiring minds want to know!)
brunettepet
Oct. 12th, 2007 04:07 pm (UTC)
Florida sounds like everyone just got off a tilt-a-whirl! Nun chucks, midgets, alcoholics, Jesus and exorcists? That office is a delight!
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)
If only the job wasn't soul crushing (she's a nature girl forced into an office job) it would be perfect. I'm trying to get her to hold out for another few months for a few more gems. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
Awww, but I feel guilty because they're being so cool about it. Hmmmmm. Maybe I'm okay with it...

MIDGET. Midget being HELD UP for a DRINK OF WA WA. WTF, Beth??
floweringjudas
Oct. 12th, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
My favorite part of this post? "Scale hands."

Also duh, Stoney, OF COURSE Jesus has blue eyes. (D'you know, my old stake president who is Richard G Scott's brother told me in my college interview that he was pretty sure Jesus had red hair? I don't know why I just remembered that, but HAHAHA. Carrot Top Jesus!)
spikendru
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
Ten to one he was a fan of "King of Kings" - in which blue-eyed Jeffrey Hunter did have red hair. Only not carroty-red - more auburn. Unless the technicolor was a tad wacky in that film. *g*
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 09:04 pm (UTC)
I mean, the saying "you can't make this shit up" is apparently born out of Floridian need. O_O
redbrickrose
Oct. 12th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)
Those stories are awesome.

He then proceeded to TELL THE CEO that he was a) possessed by demons and that b) it was hurting his performance in the office, and c) he required AN EXORCISM. (As one would.)

I'm totally going to try that at my job. All the entertaining and hilarious people are gone, so now I have to make my own fun.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 09:05 pm (UTC)
If that works, PLEASE LET US KNOW. (Also, do Protestant believe in exocism any more? Would you go with the egg over your body to absorb the evil spirits route? Or the pea soup/head turning/demon leaping into a priest route? *g*)
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diachrony
Oct. 12th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)
The Florida stories have me boggling and gaping like a fish.

COMPANY-PAID EXORCISM. !!!

I wish the show Maximum Bob was still on (or revived) ... they'd never run out of material!
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 09:06 pm (UTC)
I mean... the COMPANY.

They PAID for an EXORCISM.

I'd ask them to help fund my unicorn-hunt every spring. And my dragon slaying training. I mean, it's not going to pay for itself...

entrenous88
Oct. 12th, 2007 06:27 pm (UTC)
NUN CHUCKS! It's because everyone is so super scared of them. You could break into the federal reserve with nun chucks. *nods*

Hee, I just woke up from a nap, and most of this entry was me going, "Your BFF works at such a strange office..."

*re-reads*

Oh, wait.
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
NUN CHUCKS!! I just can't wrap my brain around the idiocy of that one. Hoo boy.

Mmmm, nap! I've been running errands all day and I'm so tired... *leans against you*
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