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I love the lengths people go to in order to avoid saying the names of body parts. Like these!

The beast secreted an incredible masculine musk, born of both anger and arousal. He could smell Sarah's tiny human wet-hole beneath her clothing, and he wanted her as badly as he wanted to kill the Goblin King.

Now, I just have a Biology degree, so clearly I could be wrong, but the human body has... several "wet-holes." Can we narrow it down to a region? Or better yet, let's not use that term again?

Non-sexy sex terms:
  • massive monster penis emerged from its warty sheath
  • his rib cage smashed by the monstrous phallus
  • acidic precum
  • lumpy tip
  • His true loves were immune to the destroying power of his jizzum -- that was his magic. (OH MY GOD!!!! His magic!)

(That, uh... all came from TWO CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES. The author apparently has a novel "due out" in 07. Double you tea EFF, people)

More unsexy terms:

  • The older fellow's buttocks gleamed wetly with soap (I'm flashing to Sex in the City - he had the ass of an 80 year old man. FLEH.)

  • Schillinger's snowflake-white cock had begun to swell....It blushed with his scarlet Aryan blood, swiftly becoming the same bold crimson as the Nazi flag. IF I MAY BE SO BOLD here. I'm fairly certain NO NAZI blushed. Why the hell- What on earth is she- GAH. (Oh, OH!! And then she goes on to talk about a "feral Mexican in heat" and I want to smash things. Ay yi yi.)

  • their asscheeks clapping as they galloped like free wild stallions AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I no longer want to kill her, because this is so damn funny... she has to live with this, you know? HEE!! FREE WILD STALLIONS!! (I think she's been reading Stallioncrest...)

  • their stiff manmeat acting as conductors' batons My father is a choirmaster. I'm having difficulty with this imagery. *cringe* Oooh, I wonder if they're conducting in the very difficult 3+2+3/8ths time, a la Bartók? Probably not.

  • a fucknest

Okay, this bitch is seriously racist (I'm stopping here) and I'm actually getting pissed for the first time EVER reading bad!fic. We're ignoring her (I've left her a comment of the WTF, Ese? Chinga tu madre! variety.) Yes, it's fic from the show OZ, but that sort of language is JUST NOT NEEDED. (No, I won't link you, it'll just get your blood pressure up. Let's just make fun of her horribleness here, shall we? FEH.)


The best (worst) euphemism for vaginal entrance I've yet to encounter (and that's saying something!)

pleading pouting gate of her vagina

Pouting!! I like to think of my pleading puss as petulant. "Wah, I want penis!" Also, I'm a big fan of alliteration. The prosopopeia of her protuberant pouch (pulchritudinous though the pudgy pucker may be) pulls on my puny, pyretic projection. FOR THE WIN. *pats self on back*

Quick runners up:

constricted, battered hole It's the contradictory nature here that pleases me. I like conundrums.
contracting crease CREASE. Crease. Like a skin fold! A deeeeeeeep skin fold that can hold a baby inside! (Okay, that's gross. I apologize.)

Okay, in a disturbing (and, I'm afraid, a Mary Sue) fic about a college girl who straps dildoes to her teddy bears and meets a 40 year old woman, "Patty" who is married and teaches our heroine some "kinky things" that still don't allow Mary Sue to climax, until Mary Sue gets a degree in zoology.


She goes to work on a Panda project, that required that she masturbate a male panda every few hours. Enter the new lover: TING. (I'm surprised it's not Ting-Ting.) His appeal, aside from being a REAL LIVE PANDA, was his "gamey scent." My nostrils are squeezed tight right now. BLERGH.

Ting was herded into the pen to be masturbated in the name of science (she jerked me off with science, tee doo doo! She jerked me off...with science! Science! Science!)

We have:
  • a spiky penis
  • kneeling next to his "flanks"
  • her dousing her hands with KY, because she couldn't stand the thought of "hurting" him
  • And, of course, she fondles his balls (for his pleasure. Ting's pleasure. TING.)
  • "She always knew she had been fond of bears, but not like this." (Like, the dido banging of your Teddy bear wasn't a clue? Wah?)
  • she then fantasizes about running hand in hand (cough) with Ting in the Asian jungle, then lying on the leaf fronds to cool off.

When she finally orgasms, "She felt like she had pissed in a light socket" AHAHAHAHA!! Oh, that's what I've been trying to put my finger on! It feels like pissing on the third rail, YES.

She goes back to the lab to do MORE than just jack him off for science (tee too doo!) and "Jane spent hours doing her make-up. She wanted to look especially good for Ting. " I hope she painted her nails Opi's "Koala Bear-y" or would Ting find that offensive? (Is there a long standing rivalry between Pandas and Koalas mating with their research leaders? I guess I'm just not up on my zoo romances...)

Ting gave her a funny look as she removed her coat and stood naked before him When even the bear is giving you weird looks, you've gone too far, madam!!

Ting's cock was long and thin NO ME GUSTA!!! Because let's face it ladies: we all like a pencil dick. [Insert chopstick joke here.]

And please, if someone could play a few notes on a reed flute while we all read the ending paragraph (a la "Kung Fu") that would be super.

No one knew what happened to Jane or Ting, it seemed that they both just disappeared. None of the lab staff could conceive of how she had gotten him out, but it was assuredly her who had spirited him off. No trace of them was ever found, but it can be safely assumed that wherever they are she is sliding down on his cock, as he wraps his arms gently around her.

Now I can't stop singing "Sexual Harrasment Panda."

I'll end this with some of the WORST (read: hilarious) pr0n titles ever.

  • Vagina Slimes (Virginia Slims. Ahaha. Heh. Boo.)

  • Let's Play Stain the Couch

  • Yo Quiero Taco Smells

  • I'm a Brown Shit-Holed Whore (okay, I freaking love this title)

  • Blowin' in Her Colon

  • Big Trouble in Little Vagina (if there's the lamp-shade basket electric man in this porno, I'm SO THERE.)

  • Moulin Splooge (just what was missing from the original)

  • She's Not A Lesbian - She's a Vagitarian (I really really love this, even though it's SUCH A GROANER. Because I'm a 12 year old boy, evidently)

  • Anal Chriopractor

  • Dead Men Don't Wear Rubber (cringe)

  • Your Quim is My Gym (...quim. G'day, Gov'nor! Can you spare a ha'penny fer me mam and I? She'll flash you 'er quim, she will! Shine yer shoes right proper wif it, too!)

  • The Fat, The Bald, and The Ugly (dude, I don't know about you, but I. Am. HOT. now)

  • Anal Fireball (you're doing it wrong.)

  • Sirloin Tits (what?!)

  • Shrimpin' Lobster Sauce (now I'm just hungry, not horny)

  • My Brown Eye: Not the Winker, The Stinker

  • Amber the Lesbian Queefer (let's pray this doesn't come in Smell-o-Vision)

  • Onion Planet (what!? Is there a new term I'm not familiar with?!)

  • Watch Me Camp Bitch! (I don't understand.)

  • Backdoor Lambada (the TRUE forbidden dance...)

  • Pumpin' The Po Po (Okay, this is the most ghetto-fabulous title ever, dun lye.)

  • What's the Lesbian Doing In My Pirate Movie? (You got your pirate in my lesbian! You got your lesbian in my pirate! Two great tastes that taste great together!)

And lastly:
Adventures of the Fart Bitches

Thank you, good night! Don't forget to tip your waiters.


( 118 comments — Leave a comment )
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Nov. 26th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
Dude. ::dies::
Nov. 26th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)

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... - stoney321 - Nov. 26th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Nov. 26th, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)
Best badfic post. Ever.


Seriously, DUDE.

I might use this as a link in my post, if you don't mind:)

Edited at 2007-11-26 03:50 pm (UTC)
Nov. 26th, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
Feel free to link! We all need to laugh, yes? :D (Um, or cringe, as the case may be. HEEE!)
Nov. 26th, 2007 03:56 pm (UTC)
Oh, my OGD. (I originally typed it that way and I'm LEAVING IT to show the extent of my trauma! Hee!)

"Jizzum" = one of the least sexy words ever. Gah.

She't Not A Lesbian - She's a Vagitarian

*laughs and laughs* I am also a 12-year old boy.
Nov. 26th, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
I need to change the keywords to my icon...
I am SO sorry I traumatized you. Except for how I'm not. HEEE!!

VAGITARIAN. It makes me laugh and laugh, too.
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:07 pm (UTC)
Where do you find these? No, wait, DON'T TELL ME.

massive monster penis emerged from its warty sheath

Warty sheath? I'm thinking there's a cream for that.

And if my vagina ever pleads or pouts, please call my ob-gyn immediately.

I have nothing to say about Jane and Ting except that she wears Eau du Bamboo for those really special occasions.
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
Not eucalyptus oil? *gags*

Who would EVER think warty sheath was hot?? ...maybe someone with the clap and the Herp, trying to create sympathy?

CRINGE. (Tomorrow is fudge baking/mailing day. Oh, yeah.)
... - superplin - Nov. 26th, 2007 04:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 26th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:10 pm (UTC)
their asscheeks clapping as they galloped like free wild stallions

You just made my year. Now I can't stop singing "POOOOOORN FREEEEEEEE..."
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
Ass free as the wiiiiiind blows....
Ass free as the aaaaaaaaaaaass flows,
Be sure not... to faaaaaaaaart!

HAHAHAHA. Isn't that HILARIOUS? What the hell was she thinking...
... - superplin - Nov. 26th, 2007 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
wot the... - klytaimnestra - Nov. 27th, 2007 04:31 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: wot the... - superplin - Nov. 27th, 2007 04:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: wot the... - klytaimnestra - Nov. 27th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 27th, 2007 03:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, well, there's more coffee in the kitchen.

Julia, creativity is not an unmixed good
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:42 pm (UTC)
Sometimes people should try to be LESS creative, yes? o_0
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
zomg. you keelz me with these posts and yet I keep coming back for more!
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:43 pm (UTC)

Nov. 26th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
*pouting with my perturbed pussy*

I hope she painted her nails Opi's "Koala Bear-y" That's my favourite colour right now...maybe Ting will go out with ME.

Ohhhhhhhh, wait, I'm not into bears. Right. I forgot.
Nov. 26th, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
You *say* you're not into bears, but that's because you haven't met Ting. I mean, come on: long thin penis? Gamey scent? What's NOT to love!

Now I'm flashing back to that horrible Aladdin fanfic with Jasmine and Raj and I want to lay down and forget about living...
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Nov. 26th, 2007 04:59 pm (UTC)
their asscheeks clapping as they galloped like free wild stallions

Bwahahahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaaaa! ::wipes tears from eyes:: Oh, damn. I needed that giggle fit.

a fucknest

Hee! Is that like a 'fuckton'?

Nov. 26th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA, I do believe so! The British, if I remember correctly, call it a "fucktonne."

Man, didn't we need a laugh?? *puts a heating pad on your lower back, poor thing*
... - a_mistletoe - Nov. 26th, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 26th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
This stuff NEVER fails to amuse me.
And I have to say- you WIN for slogging through all this crap for these...ahem...gems!
Hands you the crown.
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed being shocked at how base we can get as people, you know? Wheeeeee!

Whooo. I consider it my public service, no thanks needed. Just send money in at the telethon, and I'll send you a bad!fic tote. :D
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
His true loves were immune to the destroying power of his jizzum -- that was his magic. (OH MY GOD!!!! His magic!)

Well at least it for once it wasn't the Glittery HooHa providing all the magic in the relationship.

And I foresee about a quarter of my brain chewing over the ramifications of the Panda-love for the rest of the day. I'm now askeered of thinking about what Jane Goodall was doing in the jungle all those years.

So, uh, thanks?
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)


Now, that whore with the Gorillas...
... - fiveandfour - Nov. 26th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC)
You make my french-toast flavored fucknest flood with fervent fingers of freneticism.

Actual fingers, not those figurative kind. My cooch has digits, dude. High five!
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:44 pm (UTC)
Is like wizard sleeve! My pen-is is like can of Pepsi.

Okay, I'm putting Borat on today...
... - marenfic - Nov. 26th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you for finding these so we don't have to *wipes tears from eyes*!

These people have obviously never had sex or talked dirty in their lives.
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:58 pm (UTC)
I mean, HONESTLY. It's not possible, right?

Nov. 26th, 2007 05:51 pm (UTC)

Oh my GOD. This is the funniest one yet. Comedy GOLD!!!

You are my fandom hero.
Nov. 26th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
I'm waiting for the riveting (and period piece - I'll let you determine the definition there) sequel to My Brown Eye, titled:

Two In The Pink, One In The Stink.

I hear it's going to take finger-banging in a Gus Van Sant direction, with overtones of Das Boot.
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Nov. 26th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
OMG! I've got to stop checking your journal before I see clients! I know I smirked through an entire session...I'll have to add a free session just to be fair.

That was one of the funniest things I've ever read. A great way to start the week.
Nov. 26th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC)
Heee! So, in addition to the "no drinks" rule, I need to put up a "do not read if meeting clients" addendum? *makes note*

Nov. 26th, 2007 07:17 pm (UTC)
I think I just disturbed my brother and my roommate with the sheer amount of laughing I just did. I'm pretty sure I echoed throughout our house.

Schillinger's snowflake-white cock had begun to swell....It blushed with his scarlet Aryan blood, swiftly becoming the same bold crimson as the Nazi flag.

Okay, even ignoring all the glorification of Nazi imagery, um...why is his penis snowflake-white? Is it contagious?

their asscheeks clapping as they galloped like free wild stallions

Really, fandom? Really? I'm picturing Ass Farms in Montana now, with giant asses that are attached to no other body part (except perhaps a tiny set of hooves?) frolicking for the masses.

(Also, speaking of stallions--soap opera, please?)

their stiff manmeat acting as conductors' batons

The left half of my brain just turned to the right and said, "It's dark in here, and we may die." Meanwhile, my inner grammar nazi is going, "Shouldn't that be 'manmeats?' Or perhaps 'men's meat'?"

Um...I kind of want to know. What fucking fandom was that panda thing from? Is this a really disturbing original fic, or does it have roots in some disturbing Anime that my brother probably owns I want to run away from as fast as I can?

Sirloin Tits--Hannibal Lecter's petname for Clarice?
Nov. 26th, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC)
Do you remember that toy that was a clapper - two hinged flaps on a stick, and you flapped the stick up and down to make a clapping noise? I like to think of their butts like that. *g*

I'm working on the horse soap opera as part of my NaNo project - my sister and I are animating it, doing voices, music... Then putting it online. :D

The Panda fic was just a random fic I came across. AUGH.
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Nov. 26th, 2007 07:38 pm (UTC)
OK, I got three things:

1) Too easy but scarlet Aryan blood, as opposed to that famous Latino aquamarine blood? Ho hum, but about that writer's level I think.

2) Light socket simile - sounds more like raging cystitis, no? For that, it's quite a good description. *begs for cranberry juice*

3) and most importantly: Stallioncrest! Where, when? You left us hanging, damn you woman. Stop teasing.
Nov. 26th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
1) I think I glossed over the use of "scarlet," such was my bewilderment at the needed "Aryan" and "Nazi" usage. Just... bad writing all around.

2) Possibly a case of the Clap? A little penicillin might be what's needed, as well.

3) Yay! I'm secretly chuffed that you want more. For NaNo, it's a project I'm working on, actually. My sister (a graphic artist of the highest caliber, and musician to boot) and I are getting it turned into a cartoon and putting it online. :D Hopefully there will be LOADS for everyone, WHEEE HEEEEEE HEEEEEE pbbbbblt!
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Nov. 26th, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)
O_O ... PANDA, WTF!?!!? That's why it pays not to be one of the cuter mammals in the animal kingdom. Who the hell looks at a Panda and thinks, hey got to write me some of that hotser pencil poking panda porn.

You have outdone yourself with this selection - I laughed and wheezed so much my lungs clapped together like two frolicking arse cheeks.

Nov. 26th, 2007 07:48 pm (UTC)
In terms of fanfic, it pays to be a wart hog. (Oh, god, there's probably goth/pierced-horn/wart hog porn out there, I just know it.)

That Panda fic had a disclaimer at the end: the author doesn't condone these acts, and if you're thinking of doing them in real life, seek professional help. (As opposed to the complete normalcy of FANTASIZING about it?!)

Once I get a 2-man version of "Stain The Couch," let's play!
... - lynnenne - Nov. 27th, 2007 03:23 am (UTC) - Expand
... - dovil - Nov. 27th, 2007 07:40 am (UTC) - Expand
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Nov. 26th, 2007 07:58 pm (UTC)
my brain iz broked now.
thank you so much for making posts like these. they keep me entertained for hours. :D
Nov. 26th, 2007 08:05 pm (UTC)
YOU ARE WELCOME. (They save my sanity, too.)

Nov. 26th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
I'm tottering away to lie down in a dark room with a BROKEN BRAIN NOW, MISSY!

Oh, dear Lord. There's not enough hell, no in the world.
Nov. 26th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
*slips a piece of fudge in your mouth*

I hear fudge is to bad!fic what chocolate is to dementors...

(Deleted comment)
Nov. 26th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC)
Was it Robot Chicken that had someone standing next to a Panda Bear and it ate the person's head off? WHAT THE HELL. Animal fucking. The dolphin sex was BY FAR the worst thing I've read because they REALLY DID IT.

Also, i lyk ur stori it got me hott lol cum.

(They don't need me tonight, but maybe later with Tony? I want chips.)
Nov. 26th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
When even the bear is giving you weird looks, you've gone too far, madam!!


...my GOD. Where in heaven's (actually, nevermind, wrong department, clearly) name do you GO to FIND these things??
Nov. 26th, 2007 09:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, fanfiction.net, adultfiction, google, specific comms...

I think of it as God's gift, manifesting itself through me. *light shining from my butthole*
Nov. 26th, 2007 11:38 pm (UTC)
Did she ever give any indication that she's aware pandas aren't bears?
Nov. 27th, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Look, sister: it's about the SHAPE, not the taxonomy! And... (pandas actually are bears, though. they're from the family Ursidae, which is where bears branch off. They're a different genus from black bears, brown bears, etc. But they're bears.)

Sorry, Biologist at heart! :)
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Nov. 27th, 2007 12:15 am (UTC)
Was that first one Labyrinth fic? If so, I'll just be over here cradling my childhood in my arms, weeping over its corpse. D:
Nov. 27th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC)

I apologize for the continued destruction of your childhood in my journal.*

*no I'm not. Hahaha! <3
Nov. 27th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
I think we need to dedicate a statue or something in your honor. Going out there and reading for us all like this. You are really a saint.

Also, the panda thing...I once came across a web site (probably linked through somebody's LJ) that sold dildos that were reproductions of various animal dicks. Don't remember if there were panda dicks. I didn't really hang around very long. Takes all kinds, huh?
Nov. 27th, 2007 04:31 pm (UTC)
If you just ate a piece of pie in my honor, I'd be satisfied. (Just be sure to describe it in full, 'kay? :D)

I'm gonna need to see that website now. WHAT THE WHAT?!?! Wow! I just... sometimes I think about fetishes and wonder what went wrong for people. I imagine some guy, dresed in a corset and wig and horse-hoof shoes, brandishing a whip, waiting for his girlfriend to come out, stomp his balls with her heels and pee on him, and think: really? And if one thing isn't done properly, do they throw in the towel?

Just... it shouldn't take that much, you know?
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( 118 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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