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Mormons and Eclairs and Spike, Oh My!

My younger cousin who, incidentally, is saving her first kiss for the wedding altar (I am not shitting you. She's 23 and has "virgin lips" - all of you naughty girls and boys are thinking of the wrong ones. REALLY virginal, this girl.) and has decided to take her first marriage proposal after dating "seriously" for two weeks.

Background on my family, father's side: they came over with the original handcart companies with Brigham Young and helped found places like Provo and the Provo canyon. Hard core Mormons. For those not in the know, it is common for die-hards to be virgins on their wedding night, and the new trend is to not even kiss until after you say "I do." SOOO much they are missing out on.

So she found a boy as virginal and naive as her (and I LOVE my cousin - she's a sweet as people come) and they are getting married in less than a month. That is true Utah style: date, engagement and marriage in about a month.

So she called her parents to fly out here from Salt Lake City to meet the boy. Her parents, her new beau, my cousin, my parents, our uncle and his wife, and all my brood were at my house for a feast to celebrate the upcoming nuptuals. A prayer was spoken over the food, and I think it lasted as long as it took everyone to eat. My dad REALLY tries to not breathe at all when he prays.

Since they are from the most Red of these our United States, talk (of course) turned to politics, and my lovely husband was able to point-counterpoint all of their Pro-bush (notice that?) rhetoric with facts and got them to stop trying to "convert" us. We purchased Farenhiet 9/11 yesterday and had it prominently displayed, and they made faces at us, as if we had "Cindy Does DVDA!! ALL NITE LOOONG!!" out. Then talk turned to Jesus. And all about repentance, etc. Oh, that was for me, don't you know. Because I showed so much promise as a youth in the Mormon Church, and then just left. Blech!!!! For the record: don't believe in any of it. Religion of any kind. Not a whit.

So my head is pounding, and I see that dovil is back and also my BFNLJL crazydiamondsue, and karabair has completely lied about taking a break (and I am glad!) so I have this for you, to bring on the funny ha ha. The first adventure of Wee!Spike can be found here

More Wee Spike!
Disclaimer: I am high on crack and meth and probably some fish tranquilizers and I drank a whole bottle of cough syrup and vanilla extract. I am not accountable for you not laughing. Are you made of STONE?
Rating: NC-17, or I'll die tryin'

Angel was relaxing on his chaise lounge, completely aware of how sexy and standoffish it made him. He wasn't reading the paper, just holding it in a sexy manner so his muscles rippled and his shirt was opened a bit. He kept looking out of the corner of his eye to see if his Childerere was watching. He was.

Spike walked through the doorway, made a dramatic stop, cocked his head, and did "jazz hands."

"Looking for me, Grandsirererere?" Spike made a sexy path towards his mate-lover-sire, bobbing and weaving until Angel began to feel a little seasick.

Angel growled. Spike growled. Spike picked up the paper and sat down next to him on the chaise, snuggling into his grandaddy-sirererere. Angel smiled to himself and snuggled his lover into his embrace. He's so delicate and tiny compared to me. Sometimes I fear I'll break him.

As Angel pulled Spike closer to his tight embrace, he noticed that Spike seemed smaller. He could now fit his entire lean and, truth be told, albino body into the crook of his arm.

Spike looked up adoringly to his mate-lover-sire-Childrerere maker and said, "I feel so safe with you, love."

As Angel's dead vampire heart swelled with dusty pride, he smiled down on his fragile little granchildrerere-lover-mate and pulled him up to his chest and snuggled him some more. I never cuddled with Darla. Who would have guessed that vampires can have such an abundance of sweet, tender moments? And with that he nuzzled his face into the crusty, pokey hair of his lover.

"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"

Everytime I think of how petite and delicate little schmoopy Spike is, he's gotten smaller...

A teeny voice squeeked up to him, "help me! Codswallup! Bloody Hell! I'm no bigger than a gerbil, or some other small rodent like creature!"

Angel picked up his wee little lover and held him in the palm of his hand. "Aren't you just the cutest little devil!"

"Oy! Demon!"

In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"

Spike grinned his biggest smile at his lover-mate-granpappy-biter, mainly to convey with his little head his joy at still being loved. And he felt stirrings that would seem impossible...

Angel was stroking his little pokey blonde mousie wousie with his finger, but didn't realize he was stimulating a little more than a dead, dusty heart.

Spike dove to the neck of the black, silk shirt Angel had on and climbed his way down Angel's chest.

Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...

Spike soon found his goal. He stripped off his miniscule denims and climbed aboard Angel's schlong, riding it like a bucking bronco. Angel lay back on the chaise, enjoying the pleasure his Lilliputian lover was eliciting. Spike held onto the slit of Angel's dick, and rode him like a bat out of hell. Spike quickly came, Angel heard a tinny, whirring sound that he later realized was the sound of a shout from his itty-bitty man-lover, and then Spike climbed down further to help his pre-progenitor climaxxxx. (The extra X's are for what he'll do.)

Spike found the wrinkled, greyish-redish puckered skin hole and dove right in. Angel gave a yelp and almost rose off the chaise, but as he had gained a lot of unexplained weight over the years, didn't quite make his ass leave leather.

Spike began digging and clawing his way to his prize. He found it against the wall of his lover's rectum, his prostate. Fortunately, Angel was lying prostrate, so Spike could press on his prostate easily. And press it he did. He started singing "Anarchy" by the Sex Pistols to himself, pressing hard on the emphasized words.

And I am an anarCHIST
And I am an anti-CHRIST...
And I.... WAN- NA- be----YAH

Angel shot his wad all over the room, painting it in his semen, although it wouldn't make a pretty painting as "cream" is more of a tone than a color. He fell back and smiled with pleasure.

"Spike? I don't know if you can hear me in there, but it's a good thing we are vampires. Prostate cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among non-smoking American men. Oh, and it's a good thing I'm not American, even though I sound like one."

Spike poked his head out with a *pop* and replied in his diminutive voice, "Right. It's really sexy to be safe, you know? It's a real turn on to know I can completely trust you, Non-Whelp-Lover-Gramps. Give us a rest, and we'll have another go, yeah?"

Angel popped him out of his poop chute, carried him to the sink, rinsed him off, and wrapped Spike in a Kleenex. He snuggled his baby wee lover-amoeba in his arms, and they drifted off to sleep, safe and content in each others arms. Except for Spike because he was too wee.

Dear god, do I have ANY friends left after this??


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 10th, 2004 07:53 pm (UTC)
I am prostrate with laughter. Hopefully not prostate with laughter, cause that would be icky.

Next, you should do an AU story where Angel and wee!Spike are Mormons. And must hide their forbidden virginal lurve from their many wives.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:17 pm (UTC)
I'm currently Vas Deferns with laughter.
Uh... I don't write AU. Wee!Spike is cannon. Har!

I can see those two eating a couple of missionaries, and through the course of impersonating them to get people to open their doors and invite them in, are turned into true believers.

I think this is the sickest thing I've ever written. Um, intentionally. Thanks for playing along and getting the joke.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:19 pm (UTC)
I'm still your friend!! Crikey! You managed to disturb me, do you have any idea how difficult that is to do? Of course you do, you are one of the few (the proud, the marines) that read my stuff.

Dude... I have no words, just applause, which you cannot hear.

Oh and Pro-bush virginal mormons? I'll just leave that one alone.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:25 pm (UTC)
You are my BFNLJL! Fer reals.
What disturbed you? That I was once a devout Mormon with a coordinating cover for my Bible and Book of Mormon, or the diving into the red/gray puckered skin hole?

Jesus, I am grossing myself out. But I'm laughing allll the way.

Oct. 10th, 2004 08:29 pm (UTC)
What disturbed me you ask?
BOTH, in equal measure. 1/4 cup to be precise.

Can you have two BFNLJLs. What's a BFNLJL?
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:32 pm (UTC)
Here's the deal-iyo
*say in your best Kappa Kappa Gamma voice*
Best Friends 'N L-J Land, sillikins!

*play slaps your arm*
Come do my hair in a braid.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:42 pm (UTC)
Re: Here's the deal-iyo
Ok, I was right, the 'N' threw me for a bit.

I'll braid your hair, but I refuse to paint your toenails. Hand me a rattail and a scrunchie
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:51 pm (UTC)
No pedicure???
Whatever. Fine. I have the kee-yootest gingham pink scrunchy. It'll totally go with my high heeled sandals.

Fucking precious, I'm serious.

Can you tell I'm in a crazy mood? I just defended Jabba the Hut in 's journal. WTF? This is what happens when the devout come bearing gift of eclairs and cherry pie.
Oct. 10th, 2004 09:02 pm (UTC)
Re: No pedicure???
Feet squick me. I don't touch 'em and I don't let no one touch mine. Exception is only made for the Tiny Toddlin' Terror.

I have a huge leopard print scrunchie that I begged my mom for 6 yrs. ago. It cost $9 and she said I had to take care of it. I still have it. The puppy plays with it.

Mmmm... pie...
Dec. 3rd, 2004 07:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Here's the deal-iyo
Kappa Kappa Gamma? NOOOOOOOoOOOOOOoo.

I'm so glad read the warnings to this, because I was eating pudding, and that's really not good to do a spit take with.

Please do drink large amounts of cold medicine in the future and write strange fics. Do.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:29 pm (UTC)
Not only am I still your friend, I want to raise statues in your honor.
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:34 pm (UTC)
If you make a statue, I want to be in a toga unless it means you have to knock off my arms. And I wanna be bronze. It seems lighter than marble.

Tee hee! Wee!Spike!! Shrinking vampires are HAWTTTXXX. (The extra T's and X's are for how they can really scratch an itch.)
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 11th, 2004 06:04 am (UTC)
Oh, man you should have seen me writing it. Mr. Stoney kept coming in here and asking why I was cackling...

I don't cackle. I guffaw, chortle, and might, on occassion, hee haw. But I don't cackle.

Favorite word in this tale? Lilliputian. Favorite two words? Skin-hole.

I warned you, didn't I?
Oct. 11th, 2004 01:03 am (UTC)
Oh you evil little tease ! That was hilarious .

I see that you were in a crazy and naughty mood ?

But , why , why don't you want to be naughty again with spuffy ?
* see my begging eyes*

*love you , and hugs you , sweetie*
Oct. 11th, 2004 06:06 am (UTC)
I just may have to write you a little story. I think I am one of the least popular Spuffy writers in the entire kingdom. But I love you hard for liking me!

(This story is what happens when I'm pumped full of cherry pie, eclairs, and too much drink.)
Oct. 11th, 2004 07:33 am (UTC)
I like when you're full of cherry pie and too much drink..

And what a lovely idea to write a little story only for me ;
What ? You suggest it ! And then you won't have to worry about thinking you're " the least popular spuffy writers in the entire kingdom" ( and that's absolutely not true , of course ) . I want , I want I want ! My birhtday is January 12th .. :)
Oct. 11th, 2004 07:39 am (UTC)
Well, then, I'll have to make it a birthday and Christmas present, won't I? Any requests?
Oct. 11th, 2004 12:35 pm (UTC)
I will try to think of something.. but I would be delighted with anything spuffy style you would imagine for me!

And of course a little tale written by you would be a wonderful gift , but I don't want to put pressure on you . I was teasing you - a little - .
Don't want to bother you , since you explained that you don't feel writing this pairing anymore.
So , ONLY if it can be a pleasurable experience for you ..?
Oct. 11th, 2004 02:51 am (UTC)
those virgin lips freak me out more than the puckered hole ever will...

:::hugs you:::
Oct. 11th, 2004 06:06 am (UTC)
Seriously. Isn't that messed up? And it's the "thing" among these people. No wonder they get married so quickly. If they just learned to dry hump a little, they wouldn't be wound so tight...
Oct. 11th, 2004 07:33 am (UTC)
Sooo funny. crazydiamondsue read it to me last night and I, in fact, cackled.

Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...

Hee hee hee

Oct. 11th, 2004 07:40 am (UTC)
First off, serious icon love.

No chortle? Cackle is fine. 'Tis the season and all. I'm glad you laughed, Caza. I'd hate to freak you out more before you two headed down here next week...

"Yes, but aside from that, Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?"
Oct. 11th, 2004 10:42 am (UTC)
okay this was the BEST POST EVER!!eleventyetcetera. i couldn't stop laughing. mormons and itty bitty vampires are hilarious!

btw, is it wrong that i wasn't disturbed by your writing? or are we both equally fucked up? hee!
Oct. 11th, 2004 11:16 am (UTC)
Of COURSE it isn't wrong that you got HAWT from wee little blonde heads poking out of poop chutes. That is NORMAL.

What ISN'T normal is waiting until you are legally married before you have your first kiss. (Seriously: WTF??)
Oct. 11th, 2004 11:26 am (UTC)
i know! that's so creepy. i can understand waiting to have sex until you're married because it's special blahblahblah, but something as simple as a kiss? come on! what if he turns out to be a terrible kisser? what is the world coming to?
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 11th, 2004 05:51 pm (UTC)
My whole purpose was to make your tummy hurt, hopefully with laughter. This is what happens when you all leave me alone over the weekend.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 12th, 2004 01:54 pm (UTC)

When I was 14 or 15 or so, I had cybersex (regularly!) with a guy who had a giantess fetish. I remember typing a scene in which I inserted his whole body, feet-first, into my cunt.


Also, this is gold, from the original mockmeister:

Angel looked proudly at his lover. He had never felt so blessed before watching Spike breastfeeding their daughter. She would have to be weaned off before reaching her first year and would be fed human food after that.

Is it common practice in pregfics that vampire newborns suckle blood instead of milk? Shit gets so out of control sometimes.
Oct. 12th, 2004 02:36 pm (UTC)
First, I wanna say how much I love the "ehh?" face on the kitty icon.

Second, shit DOES get out of control. And then I mock.

Third, the giantess "rebirthing" the lover? Priceless.

Last, the fact that there could be a "common practice" in vampire pregfics regarding what to nurse the baby with is frightening.
Oct. 13th, 2004 10:10 pm (UTC)
I know I came late to the party, but I couldn't resist the prospect of fic. God, I laughed so hard I just about wet myself. (Managed to hold it, though, thank god.) I was thinking, "This is pretty effing disturbing," but it turned out to be way too funny to be truly disturbing.

Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background!

*Didi choking on diet Coke* Thank you for skewering "Cor", perhaps my most despised non-canon Spike phrase.

Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...

*more spluttering laughter* I have to say that Spike is the pot calling the kettle black here. What those guys have to go through to please the smooth-body fetishists. *shakes head*

Thank you for a delightful diversion.

Oct. 14th, 2004 05:37 am (UTC)
No such thing as late to the party. Especially when you deliver me 2 spit takes.

"Cor" can be irritating, but the sexual PSAs drive me up the wall. And Spike being a delicate girly-man when in his Sire-Pops-NonWhelp's presence.

There may be more this weekend... (And you're welcome and delightful.)
Oct. 18th, 2004 04:02 pm (UTC)
Spike walked through the doorway, made a dramatic stop, cocked his head, and did "jazz hands."

I can just picture this...*snicker*

"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"

In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"

lol...oh wow...that's all I got. So glad sue rec'd these *g*

Oct. 18th, 2004 04:24 pm (UTC)
Yes, I am eternally Sue's bitch, and proud to say so.

But wait! *says in sexy voice* There's more. *whispers* So much more...

Feel free to stick around until you can't take anymore!
Oct. 19th, 2004 11:40 am (UTC)
Oh, I intend to...I can't get enough of Wee!Spike, Angel and their disproportionately sized relationship...
Feb. 2nd, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"

Everytime I think of how petite and delicate little schmoopy Spike is, he's gotten smaller...

A teeny voice squeeked up to him, "help me! Codswallup! Bloody Hell! I'm no bigger than a gerbil, or some other small rodent like creature!"

Angel picked up his wee little lover and held him in the palm of his hand. "Aren't you just the cutest little devil!"

"Oy! Demon!"

In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"

*keels over, finally dead from all the laughter*

Dear god, do I have ANY friends left after this??

Um. . . . *raises hand, but not too high. doesn't want the mutual friends to see*
Apr. 27th, 2005 04:34 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, you are the freakiest freak who ever freaked! I love this story, and I can't wait to read parts two and three. Jaysus. **chokes laughing**
Apr. 27th, 2005 04:41 pm (UTC)


Okay, consider that *points up* fair warning. You mean you haven't read my piece de resistance? Lubed! The Grease parody? Wow. It was nice knowing ya. *hides from you with SHAME*
Jul. 26th, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
No you did NOT

How the fuck did I miss this?
Jul. 26th, 2006 08:08 pm (UTC)
Yes I DID! (And whatever: don't even ACT like you didn't howl with laughter, 'cause I ain't hearing it.)

Bwah ha!! I cannot WAIT until you get to the MUSICAL. (Dum dum DUUUUM)
Aug. 5th, 2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
HOO-BOY! And I thought I was bad still being a virgin at 19. (Not for religious purposes on my part, just lack of a guy who i'd have sex with who is also interested in me.)

*shudders* Mormons frighten me. President Bush anyone?!?!?!

So does the girl down the hall at college who, when I was upset about something, put her hand around my neck, put my head on her shoulder and prayed for me... that's not normal right? I'm not the only one who thinks it's a little weird?!?!?!

Anywho... I wish your cousin all the best in her completely virginal state, which shall hopefully not be too much of a disaster.

*remembers her dad's advice* "If I thought it'd make you happy to screw around I'd encourage you to do so. But I don't, so try your best not to. My one other piece of advice is for your first time, make sure you like, if not love, the guy and hope like hell he has some experience or the whole thing will probably turn out disastrous" I love my dad, he's so cool, and considering some of my friends' first times, I definitely agree with his advice.

Ok! As for the fic... Monumentally weird. Funny... Hilarious in fact. I loved it! Not that I was turned on, but I giggled a lot and had fun reading it. I also loved your pointing out of inconsistencies.

Thanks for the fun!

Aug. 5th, 2006 02:54 pm (UTC)
hi! Glad you laughed at the fic - that's the whole purpose! Parody and satire are my favorite of the humors. :)

As for my cousin, she's happily married now, but yeah. It's a different lifestyle for sure. Bush isn't Mormon, for the record. Just a loony Born Again Christian... But boy, wouldn't the Mormons love to call him one of their own!
Aug. 5th, 2006 04:39 pm (UTC)
hmmmm... I'm australian and i seem to remember reading somewhere that one of the reasons John Howard (our prime minister) and Bush got on so well was their mutual mormon-ness... Howard isn't a practicing mormon anymore since his wife isn't (and she made him change), but he was brought up mormon and someone told me that Bush was too... ah well!

*stares at her pretty icon*

Glad to hear your cousin is doing well and i will be reading more of your stuff once I've slept.

Aug. 5th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC)
Dear god. I just ... I can't even. First, the opening story about your cousin and then Spike inside Angel's ass. *shudder*

I love the Childererererer crap. This was hilarious. A little gross, but hilarious.
Nov. 8th, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God. I love you.

Coming as it did after Rummy's dismissal and whatnot, it's like a dirty, ass-puckering cherry on my liberal non-value-voting sundae.
Nov. 13th, 2006 02:21 pm (UTC)
What's great is I'm getting ready to visit the family that (unwittingly) inspired this crap. Er, GENIUS. This is sheer genius. Bwah ha ha!
Apr. 29th, 2008 02:12 am (UTC)
You are a very darlin' twisted individual and I laughed til I made myself hiccup. Smut and humor--the happy goddesses of life, proof positive that it is good to be a smart woman!! Also, it kills the buzz to do meth and cough syrup--although the visions are exceptional.
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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