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So bad. SO. BAD. (I love it.)

I really shouldn't be posting. Or reading bad!fic. I have laundry to do, a trip to prepare for, a bagel to eat. But the bagel is set aside. I would suggest that if you click the cut-tag, you put aside your food, too.



In a horrible fic (not funny-ha ha horrible, but oh my god, who failed you in life?? horrible) sperm somehow made a woman's boobs grow.
"Thanks for my boob medicine" she replied.

Ladies, stop eating those carrots! Now I imagine a bunch of flat chested girls marching on a prison chanting "We must! We must! We must increase our bust!" YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. (Um, it's a non-con fic, so no link. It's terrible.)

We leave that and go to the Magic Red Shoes Diary!


Fun With Spelling!
"a magical pair of high heels allows a man to become an anatomically correct female on an elective part time bases" (The other time it's a football field. I'll give you a second on that one.)


Fun With Names!
"Zebulon and Valentina Castigetta" (Listen: Friends don't let friends read Anne Rice.)


Did Sean Connery Write This?
"For instances, even as the recipient dons the heels, the shocks he is wearing will be magically transmogrify into nylons anklets"

Aside from the Conneryesque "shocks" what is the DEAL with the s's every where? Oh, and the crappy story telling. But mostly the s's. You know what? I want to rewrite that as if Connery DID write it. (Thanks to cherusha for creating Connery shpeak.)

"For inshtanchesh, even ash the reshipent donsh the heelsh, the shocksh he is wearing will be magically transhmogrified into nylonsh ankletsh. Wait... Trebeck? Ish thish your idea of a joke? Men don't wear ankletsh. They wear kiltsh and nothing underneath. Jusht ashk your mother. She got an eye full lasht night!"


This magic heels story goes on and on (and on and on) just SETTING UP THE PREMISE. If you can stomach that much crap, have at it.


How about Battle of the Butches! (Good lord. Can't we women get any dignity in the fic world??)

In the "most enticing bar scene ever" category:
"it's filthy and run-down. Looks like it hasn't been updated (or cleaned) since the 1950's. It probably hasn't been. The clientele [sic] is mostly old homeless looking people." (Wookin puh nub!! <-- dear god, please know what I'm talking about. And let me tell you, when I'm looking for a piece of ass, I first turn to the homeless. Because come on: you can TEWTALLY get them to come home with you. I mean, where else are they going to go?


In the "that's a new way to describe it" category:
"our tits, like metal thimbles" Tits?? Or... did you mean nipples? (I mean, there is a difference. Those are some really poorly formed boobs, otherwise. She needs some boob medicine!)


"No, really. Emoticons don't belong in stories, people" category
"my soaking over-wet flesh hole ;)" (Flesh hole? As opposed to your silk hole? Metal hole? Shoe hole? (wink!) Everyone should use emoticons in fic from now on, maybe.)

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END." <-- pls nominate me for all the awards ever.



You've seen detachable penises, now there's a detachable clit!
"My hips are bucking wildly, trying to release my clit" (Be free, mighty clitoris! Free like the wind! As free as an empty wrapper on the breeze!Or like a piece of chewed up bubble gum spat upon the air! Ptooey!)


Eww.
"sticky cunt" (Why is it "sticky?" Did you shove a fly strip up there? Glue? Perhaps a shower is in order, filth pot. Maybe her clit was in charge of the showering schedule...)


In this story, the "lovers" are trying to shove ALL of a 15 inch dildo in this girls sticky, clit-free flesh hole. We get this gem: "suddenly it feels like the dildo has hit a barrier, almost as if another wall of muscle deep within my pussy is unwilling to let it pass through"

I BELIEVE WE CALL THAT THE CERVIX. Let's learn our anatomy, please.



Fun With Modifiers!
"She was just about to slap her forehead, when it knocked on the door." (I wonder if her eyes joined the other girl's clit?) This is also one of my favorite punchlines to the "two ___ walk into a bar." joke. The punchline: "Which is dumb, because you'd think the second ___ would duck." Ba dum bum ching!



WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE?!?
"finaly [sic] charlie's knot entered her cunt and began to swell up until it was the size of a large orange."

KNOT. Knob, maybe? Still: whut. And I don't know about you gals, but I see a navel orange and I get HAWT. Mandarin oranges don't do it for me. Tangerines? Sure, I get a tingle. But LARGE oranges? Mmmm. Don't even get me started on grapefruit. *fans self* (But when I try and jam those in, it's almost as if another wall of muscle is unwilling to let it pass through. I believe we call that muscle a BRAIN.)*

*I do realize that brains are not actually muscles.



I think the author's brain broke before mine could: "Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she, Irish Cream, my cream, sun,she, my cream, sun, she, my cream, sun, she, sun, she, she, she...everything's tumbling in my head... she, she..."

It's almost jazz. *finger-snap applause* More skeebity-scat!
"he shows us the motor yacht that I rented. Something around 24 feet with a large comfy-padded upper sun deck. Life's a swamp."

1. motor yacht? Look, if it doesn't have a motor, it's a SAIL boat. Or a gondola. And I'm thinking a gondola is pretty darned inefficient on the ocean. (That's a loooong pole. [insert dick joke here])
2. Also, life is a SWAMP?! Hot, sticky, full of alligators and Spanish moss? (Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she....)

"She had deck shoes on and her feet are still sweaty. I press my lips against her toes. Her sweaty toes." (Okay, so for this writer, life really is a swamp. Blech.)

"Thinking I had enough of the deck shoe taste in my mouth" YOU AND ME BOTH, SISTER.


Did a weird portal open? "I can see her trembling and stiletto's disappearing inside your her"

From now on, when fic gets too weird to even follow along, I'll just chant to myself, Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun she. But in a deep Buddhist monk voice. I should get a didgiridoo mp3 to play, too.


"Her wet naval"

If it's not wet, it's an Air Force. (I'll give you a second for that one, too.)



*HEAD DESK*
"I dare to push my finger into her anus. Softly, so I won't scare her away" (Shh, shh, little anus! I won't hurt you! I need someone to give me a Bad Touch doll so I can start the process of healing from this damn story.)

"She's shaking while my finger in her bum is doing everything I can imagine." (Wait. No wonder the anus was afraid! Everything? Because... I don't know about you, but I can imagine A LOT. And most, say... 99.9999999% of what I can imagine has NO BUSINESS being associated with a fraidy-anus. )

I'm just saying. Now, let's all get into lotus position and start our healing chant, "Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

*lights Joss sticks*

Comments

( 62 comments — Leave a comment )
entrenous88
Dec. 13th, 2007 04:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, Buckwheat, don't wook pah nub at the homeless person bar! *worries*

Of course, my favorite song from that collection was the one titled, "??????"

*goes to read rest of the entry*
entrenous88
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
Also, now I'm imagining a mournful refrain of "Git along, leetle anus..."
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wolfshark
Dec. 13th, 2007 04:59 pm (UTC)
*brain breaks*

Ouch.

I needed that for work, you know!
entrenous88
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
But now you can take the rest of the day off! *writes a note for broken brain* *\o/*
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beadattitude
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
Omg. I keep picturing the clit getting free, joyfully airborne. "Bwee!"

Where it has adventures as the little flesh bit with One Thing On Its Mind.

"Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

:;steals your bagel while giving you a snorgle::
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:06 pm (UTC)
Booooooooorn free! As free as the cliiiiiiiiits grow.

Hee, stop, I'm ticklish! *pretends to bat you away*
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nicole_anell
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
Wookin puh nub.
BUCKWHEAT SINGS!

Stoney badfic posts make my day brighter.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
In aw de wong paces, wookin puh nub!

YAY! My work here is DONE. :D
southernbangel
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
AHahahaha, Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat will always be a classic.

However, these stories? Not. *scrubs brain*

Hey, guess who will be picking you up from the airport in about nine hours? This chick. EEEEEE!!!

<3 <3
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm checking my bag, I think. *stands back and examines suitcase* Maybe. I'll let you know. I sent you my flight info, yes?

OMG YAYAYAYAYAYYYAYAYA.
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aimeelicious
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
I am literally gasping for breath. By the time I was halfway through this post I thought I might die of laughter OH. EM. GEE.

Stoney, the things you put yourself through as a public service to the rest of us. You deserve a medal. Or an award, for this:

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END."
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC)
im sew hapy u liekd mah storie. i wuz totes high on lollipops and spirite when i rote it.

*steely look into the nothing* I do it so you don't have to. (Hee!)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
Your icon says it all. :D (And um... this was only from three fics? Yeah. I've barely tapped the surface of nifty.org.)

I'm especially proud of my naval joke, I thank you. :D
darkhavens
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)
ACK! Either Charlie is a dogboy, or little miss ficwriter got her canine and human anatomy lessons confused. Ouch. Also, ick. *g*
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
It's furry fic (don't judge me! I do this for YOU PEOPLE *crie*) so I'm thinking the canine anatomy is purposefully used. NONE THE LESS. BLECH.
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fiveandfour
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
"Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she, Irish Cream, my cream, sun,she, my cream, sun, she, my cream, sun, she, sun, she, she, she...everything's tumbling in my head... she, she..."


Clearly this is the spirit of James Joyce who, having been trapped on the Other Side lo these many years, couldn't take any more stories written in a linear fashion and so possessed a writer he found worthy of his talents in order to be published again. (But I think he was a bit disappointed in the reference to Irish Cream instead of whiskey and will assuredly be more selective of his writer the next time he tries this.)
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Every single paragraph had "cream" in some form. Just... eww. I need to take a second shower now.
harmonyfb
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
Zebulon

Name of a character in the (Russian SF) Night Watch series. Just fyi. Also, those are really good paranormal novels, and a great glimpse into the other side of the cold war. Just sayin'.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
Gotcha! But are Zebulon and Valentina Castigetta also names in those books? This was a story about a magical pair of heels made by a shoemaker and his witch wife.

And by "story" I mean pile of crap. :D

Edited at 2007-12-13 05:31 pm (UTC)
a2zmom
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC)
Oh dear. These poor people, rife with deck shoe toeitis, foreheads banging into doors and large knobby oranges shoved into delicate places. (But not shoved further than 15 inches because there's a wall there.)

I think you should write a Sean Connery fic.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:44 pm (UTC)
I did!! I wrote Andrew meeting Sean Connery! What I Did On My Summer Vacation, By Andrew Wells. :D
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juno
Dec. 13th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)
Wow. Or maybe I should say ow.

The cervix one seems to be a common error (?) -but the deck shoe, the orange, are new to me and are new levels of wtf?

I don't know if it's good news (no chance for actual breeding) or bad news (really young?) that the writer doesn't seem to ever have had actual sex with anyone.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 07:12 pm (UTC)
...or cracked open an anatomy book, or paid attention to "Your Changing Body" videos they force you to watch in school...

:D
dancetomato
Dec. 13th, 2007 07:16 pm (UTC)
"unse, tise, fee times a fraidy-anus"
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 07:37 pm (UTC)
Dabuh dabah, de debbudah dabba she gob, Bettdy Davih ah.
domenowtrent
Dec. 13th, 2007 07:18 pm (UTC)

Flesh hole? As opposed to your silk hole? Metal hole? Shoe hole?

Show hole makes me think of this.
domenowtrent
Dec. 13th, 2007 07:19 pm (UTC)
*shoe
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darlas_mom
Dec. 13th, 2007 08:04 pm (UTC)
::boggles:: Stoney, how do you manage to read these without becoming an alcoholic? Just reading the little quotes you use and trying to imagine the stories they came from makes me want to drink. Or huff bleach. Or drill holes into my skull to let the trauma out.

"Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

This is my new meditation chant FOREVER.

Also, just a random factoid: I think I saw something just like that in the runners-up at the Bad Sex Awards.
stoney321
Dec. 13th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
"how do you manage to read these without becoming an alcoholic?" Who says I'm not one? *makes moonshine out of lighter fluid*

And I am not surprised to hear that about the Bad Sex Awards. If someone starts chanting about cream, she, and moss while boning me, I'd call that some bad sex.
tabaqui
Dec. 13th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, god.
*falls about*

I must have a spoonful of peanut butter to calm myself.
:)
azryal
Dec. 13th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
I think you should add a "Do Not Read At Work" warning, to go with your "Do Not Have Food In Or Near Your Mouth" warning.

You rule. Best break ever.

Mae
lostakasha
Dec. 13th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC)
Oh-tay! After reading this I might have to vishit my the-rapisht.

Only you could get Buckwheat and Sean Connery into this collision of fraidy-anuses. All we needed was a Thermian in the mix. Ah, you spoil us so...
azewewish
Dec. 14th, 2007 01:52 am (UTC)
I was fine - like, mostly giggling quietly to myself, right - and then I got to your Best Fic Ever:

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END." <-- pls nominate me for all the awards ever.

And it was like a dam burst inside of me where only a 15 inch dildo could reach. Or possibly a swamp.

Screw it, now I want some Bailey's.
dreamyraynbo
Dec. 14th, 2007 01:59 am (UTC)
Oh good god, I'm dying!!! *tries to breathe around the guffawing*
_tallian_
Dec. 14th, 2007 03:25 am (UTC)
I luffs this so so much.

Just friended you so I can see more. Bad!fic reviews this excellent are too wonderful to miss.
midnightsjane
Dec. 14th, 2007 06:31 am (UTC)
*wipes away tears of hysterical laughter*
:crawls back into chair:

I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself.
Thank you, Stoney! This was so above and beyond the call of duty.
lumenara
Dec. 14th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
How do you *find* this stuff and not go blind?
faye_lights
Dec. 17th, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
ha!
So I have no idea how I got to your journal now, but I've been sitting here with the laptop balanced on my knees while my husband and I crack up over your spork. Thanks for the day-brightening.
la_dissonance
May. 11th, 2008 03:54 am (UTC)
I was laughing so hard that tears were pouring down my face. Also hard enough to make my clit want to make a bid for freedom. (*chases after it*) And I think I made some very unfortunate noises in public - in the library during exam period no less. I think people thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Bravo!
( 62 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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