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...the guy working nights to blow rats out of a paper mill with fire hoses, and they keep finding sub-levels of floors where the rats are bigger and nastier? That's about how the world of bad!fic is for me right now. (I don't think I've come across the King Rat, either, which is scary.)


Jesus H. Jumped up Christ. Roll your sleeves up, put it away (what ever it is) and take a deep breath.

First off, I think Wee!Spike has been usurped. USURPED, I TELL YOU! "[The main character] inspected just about every inch of the house, even looking into showers and closets incase (sic) the small teen had somehow gotten himself stranded." He should have looked inside his shoes! I bet he was there. Or in his butt. That's where Wee!Spike would go. (I'm just saying.)


The "That must be some freaking AWESOME book!" Category
"only when a pair of mismatched hands found themselves around his waist did he dare look away from his book"

When I see mismatched hands, I start looking for stitches. Because if there aren't stitches, you have a zombie situation, methinks.


The "I don't...under- What?" Category:
"tracing his ass with the left, flesh fingers"

OH! Mismatched. Clearly we have a Prince situation on our hands. Everyone needs to re-read their Cyberdyne manuals. [/shameless self pimp]

Not a good descriptor, part a million:
"brackish-haired"

Part a million and one:
"slimy, pink muscle."

SLIMY IS NOT A GOOD SEX WORD. And not just because I think of Oscar's buddy. Not just for that reason.

Unsexy clothes:
"skort" (I mean, pick one. Sheesh. It's the mullet of clothes wear.)


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. ...in the same story.

"[The main character] let out a sharp hiss and wriggled, whimpering as the small parasite chimera pushed passed his entrance. [...] The result was a freakish worm that wheedled free of its home, fleshy skin covered in a natural, harmless slime of sorts, and obsessively curling around its creator’s hand.

It was long, about one yard, but sort of small, no wider than three fingers. Edward petted the grotesque figure affectionately, as a mother would her newborn baby, and its mouth-opened agape as a result, making an odd gurgling and clicking noise at its master. It was a parasite, made with one main animal in particular, the tapeworm, though Edward had to adjust its diet somewhat since homunculi didn’t need to eat. Instead it fed on semen, meticulously Envy’s semen."



OKAY.
#1. Um... *points to self* Spent a significant portion of my Bio degree studying parasites. I'm having vomit issues about now.
#2. Petting it affectionately? And it COOS. Aww, it's just a widdle baby! *stabs people randomly, such is my frustration*
#3. It eats SEMEN. Well, of course it does, silly boots! (Someone studied their Paracelsus!)


We also have a constant reminder of how much time is passing in this story, as the protag is doing laundry. They started having sex at 15 minutes (ferocious kissing where there's no breathing, a blow job, and a tapeworm emerging with his top hat and spats singing "Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my rag time gaaaaaaaaaal!") and they've finished, are now discussing the sex they had and also the tapeworm's eating habits (gluten-free?) It's now 6 minutes. Aww, yeah. That's some serious lovin'.

In the "At least the author knows this much" category:
"But one must admit, feeling a cock being shoved up your ass – without any ‘preparation’ whatsoever – hurt like fucking hell."


The "Adjusting My Monocle" Category:
"It felt wonderful, as sex always did, and both parties often pondered over that fact"


Party One: Party Two?
Party Two: Yes?
Party One: I would care to ruminate on the pleasures of the act of humping. The two-backed beast, if you will.
Party Two: And I will!
Party One: Have you noticed, Old Boy, that sex is, well, I'd say it's pleasurable.
Party Two: Indubitably! I have noticed something similar, myself. Gracious! Do you believe other people have discovered this sensation?
Party One: Hmm, interesting, interesting. I dare say that a few must have done so.
Party Two: It is wonderful splitting your meaty rose with my steely shaft. Quite a lovely feeling, really, the ribbed - for my pleasure - walls clenching like your mother's jaw when she is confronted with our love...
Party One: And I, Party Two, quite enjoy the sensation of being impaled, ripped open, unprepared, punctured, drilled, stuck, gouged, spelunked, poked, prodded, embedded, and esteemed by your love salami. When I am rent asunder by your tapeworm of good feelings, spewing forth its leaky, weeping, drooling elixir, it's as if I am discovering a secret Michelangelo hidden away from prying eyes.
Party Two: Mmm, yes. Yes. I say, how long do you think she can keep this up?
Party One: *adjusts monocle* I believe she's cracked enough to go on forever. Let us retire for tea and biscuits, and continue pondering sex, shall we?
Party Two: Oh, good show! Do, let's!

And she has in her A/M: "Sorry it took so long, but when my beta refused to write back I decided to go ahead and post it anyway" Y HALO THAR CLUE. When your beta won't even CONTACT you again... You shouldn't be posting.

My New Motto:
Fan Fic: it's like Russian Roulette, but instead of random bullets, it shoots forth random tapeworm sex.



In an Avenger Fic (not that the fandom matters, it's just- well.) we have a character shrinking to a few inches high (AHEM) and after climbing into her friend's martini, lands on said friend's nose. And the friend can OF COURSE smell her "arousal." (Um, when you think Belvedere Vodka smells of arousal, you have a drinking problem. Because vodka smells of safety and mother, duh.) The full-size friend is also impressed by Wee!Jan's tits. WHY? The full-size friend opens her mouth; natch, the Wee!Jan falls on her tongue: "The taste was magnificent as Jan ground her cunt against the taste buds."

*head desk times twenty*

While that's going on, She-Hulk and Tigra are bumping uglies. Literally.

"it drove She-Hulk wild. She embraced Tigra, pumping their pussies together with such force that for Tigra it was almost like having a cock inside her."

And yes, a man wrote that, just as you'd expect. If your cunt lips are so big that they can be mistaken for a dick, you need surgery.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE. Back to our Liliputian fuck button: "[Ms. Full-Size] gathered her will long enough to pick up a little umbrella from an empty drink and push it inside Jan’s miniature pussy"

O_O (is this some slant rhyme-type situation for cocktails?)

"Tigra bit down on She-Hulk’s labia and Jen fisted Tigra. Wanda came, a female ejaculation that waterboarded Jan. Jan backed up, shoving more of the drink umbrella inside herself, and came as well."


Now, I ask you. WATERBOARDED. Also: BIT DOWN on labia? Jesus wept. Also #2: how amazing that they all came at once! JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE. If I didn't know for (mostly) sure that the author was seriously trying to write hot femme sex... WATERBOARDED. I'm using that one from now on. (After all, there's possibly some heavy borrowing from my parody fic, so *hands*)


Oh, say. You know what you need today? YOU NEED NON-CON/BDSM CARE BEAR YULETIDE FIC. <-- yuletide. "Merry Fucking Chriiiiiistmaaaaaaaas, to yooooooou!" [/Mr. Garrison] (Note: I don't normally MSTK crack fic, because it's MEANT to be ridiculous, but: it's CARE BEAR NON-CON. And she got an absolute load of comments of love, many saying how "hot" they got by reading. Hot? o_0)

"Grumpy Bear awoke, suspended."

It all goes horribly wrong from here. (By which I mean hilarious. And wrong. So very wrong.)


"Slave Bear speaks," said a voice.

"Slave Bear is tied to the rape rack," said another.

"What the - Funshine, that's you! I can hear you! What the hell are you doing? Wish Bear?"

For his pains, Grumpy Bear received a hard whack to the face with what looked like a long stick: it was pink, with rainbow decals."


I now will refer to all rapists as "Funshine Bear." It just takes the ugliness out, you know? Man, and I thought I could write some crack... READ ON, FRIENDS.


"Grumpy's blue-tinted ass jerked like a cheerleader attached to an electrode as the riding crop came down on him, over and over, shrieking like a gagged banshee and getting glitter on his tongue as he arched into the beating. What was worst was the silence: only Tender Heart's caught, ragged breath."


Find a happy place... find a happy place... find a happy place... TENDER HEART has RAGGED BREATH (and awkward sentence structure.) Because... he's going to fuck Grumpy Bear. See, kids? It pays to quit your bitching. Otherwise, to the rape rack!


"before Grumpy could comment, felt his small stub of a tail being lifted up: he made no sound, eyes huge and round, as he felt something being slathered on his anus."

AUGH! Care Bears do not have anuses!! TEDDY BEARS. (See? This is what leads to Panda romance. I'm just saying.)


"There was a horrible, sticky warm feeling starting to dribble into his crack and matt his fur: Swift Heart, with a bottle of maple syrup and revenge in his heart." Okay, you know what? REVENGE IN HIS HEART has me laughing my ass off. I always knew he was a tetchy bastard. Swift = quick of temper, me thinks.


Words I Never Would Have Associated EVER With The Care Bears:
  • cock gobbler (a personal fave)
  • fuck stick
  • felch toy
  • care-channel (his... asshole)
  • whorish nipples (let's face it: only the My Pretty Ponies have virginal nipples)
  • Tender Heart came in a wash of small red hearts all over his back.
  • Friend Bear jizzed sunflowers into his eyes
  • fuck beatings


*starts a slow clap*

Until a Kermit/Fozzie Bear/Surly Guys In The Balcony/Miss Piggie/John Denver orgy of horse fucking, Eagle fisting, murdering the Swedish Chef and splashing in the blood, gang-banging Gonzo and eating his chickens is written, I think I have the most minute sliver of my childhood left intact. (Don't even act like you would read that fic. You'd be horrified, but you'd read it.)


In one of the most bizarre excerpts of HP fic I've ever read (and I've read the Lucius drilling a hole in Draco's head and "making love to it" fic) we have Dobby, wearing gleaming elven armor, as one would, chainsaw affixed at his groin, tearing Ron (who is an astronaut, natch) apart so Harry can eat him, starting with the eyeballs. As one would. They're in space, and Harry - an angel - commands meteors to smash into Hogwarts, killing everyone, as one would if they could command meteors

Harry then jumps on another meteor, pulls out his guitar named "FUCKSTICK" (all in caps) and decapitates Dobby, stuffing the house elf's head inside his body cavity, as one would. Dumbledore, who obviously is encased in cursed mummy armor and trapped on Moon Base then commands via vision:

"Harry, you must rock the fuck out."

Indeed, Harry. Now, insert some Bowie/Ziggy Stardust music in your head and sing "Harry played.... Guitar!!!"

But wait! We're not done. Harry does rock the fuck out, as one would. In fact, the word "fuck" is prominently featured in this fic written by a male junior high school student (of course.¹)

"Then he used the force to send the flaming debris of Mercury into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and every booby sang the glories of our galaxy's past.

Harry then flew his meteor through space, punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuck fire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars."


NOW there are vampire cavemen on mars. Before were just cavemen on the Red Planet and zombie firemen on Uranus. Maybe not on your anus, but on mine. I'm just saying. <--is also 12. Guys, that passage may be the most heavy metal fucking HP fic ever written by a 13 year old boy, pissed off at his Gran for giving him a collared baby blue t-shirt to have his picture taken in. Why don't his parents understand that Cannibal Corpse is BAD ASS MUSIC?!?! ROCK THE FUCK OUT!!

lml *__* lml

(Fists encased in fuck fire? I think that's The Clap, and you should get some ointment on that, stat.)

A final vision from Dumbledore, who is having tea with Christopher Walken, the President of Pangea. (a world of what the fuck, y'all. A WORLD.)

"Care to have tea, Harry?"

"Tell the president to wait. I have some vampire cavemen to slay."

THE END"


The END??! I certainly hope not! If you can find subsequent chapters, LINK ME, zomg. I'm biting my nails, wondering about the fate of Harry, FUCKSTICK, and the vampire cavemen on mars(sic)!


And finally, FINALLY we have some "You Know You're A Furry When..." bullet points, found online:

  • The section you most frequent in the video store is the children's section. (me: cries)
  • You know what FurryMUCK is. (??)
  • ... and you know the IP and port number by heart. (Dude, I'm googling it now. WHAT?! It's like a virtual dog park! *head desk* THERE IS A DAYCARE for BABY FURS. No. NO!!)
  • You buy wildlife magazines and 'National Geographic' to get character ideas for your drawings (what ever happened to jerking off to the natives' bottle boobs? It's a classic for a reason, people)
  • You socialize with the pets rather than your relatives at a family gathering. (me: I want to save all the family pets ever, now.)
  • Someone says "Oooh, what a piece of tail!", and you spend several confused seconds looking for it.
  • You turn around whenever you close a door so that you don't get your tail caught (me: STOP IT.)
  • You 'yiff' in a movie theatre (or other public place)

NO. You do NOT do that! *smacks furry across the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Or, say... you marry your horse and imagine her foal is YOUR CENTAUR. Geh.


Oh my goodness, I am EXHAUSTED after all of that. I need to watch Teletubbies or something to get it out of my head. (Oh my god- you know there is Teletubbies fic out there. Dammit, I'm going to have to find it.)

¹ I have since learned that the author may *not* be JH aged, which... wow. They're either in HS or college. AND THEY MEANT THIS STORY. O_O Awesome.

Comments

( 83 comments — Leave a comment )
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leighm
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
Your badfic entries are GOLD.

LMAO. Where do these people come from?
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:34 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I think they're descendants of the vampire cavemen, but I'm not sure.
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wolfshark
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:31 pm (UTC)
*bleaches eyeballs and brain*

No, that's really not sufficient.

*bleaches the whole fucking internet*
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, quit fooling. You love it.
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mireille719
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:37 pm (UTC)
Okay, I can live with the mismatched hands if they belonged to Ed. ONLY if they belonged to Ed, and it's STILL NOT GOOD WRITING.

I've read "Slave Bear of Care-A-Lot" before, and while I found it fucking hilarious (and also traumatic, in that "rape of my childhood" way), "hot" was not the word I would use. The hearts/sunflowers/whatthefuckever in place of semen? BRILLIANT. I mean, seriously disturbed, but brilliant.

The HP fic is... oh, god. That is awesome, in that way where I still insist on believing the author is twelve, maybe thirteen, and I don't care what's true. I will believe it anyway. "And now there are vampire cavemen on Mars." Rock the fuck *out*, dude.

stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh, the Care Bear fic is VERY (darkly) funny, but I was disturbed by comments where people got hot over it. I-

Huh. (And I literally spit-choked on the hearts/sunflowers for semen - brilliant indeed!)

I want an icon with Dumbledore looking all controlling/bad ass and "Rock the fuck out, Harry!" then it can cut to Harry looking badass or something. <3 HEEEEE!
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killerweasel
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:39 pm (UTC)
....

Wow.

My brain hurts.

Or maybe the internet's brain hurts, though it could just be from all that tapeworm sex it has.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
Tapeworms can cause brain disorders, true. It saps your strength, mostly. Your strength to write well. :D
bitchygrrl
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:41 pm (UTC)
Forget Camp Krusty this hell, but you make it funny
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
I AIM TO PLEASE! (And seriously: you have to laugh or you'd cry, amirite?)

:D
azryal
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
That is the most WRONG I've ever seen in one place.

I'll never be able to watch the Care Bears Movie with my daughter ever again. (Not exactly a curse, but stil...)

M
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
"I'll never be able to watch the Care Bears Movie with my daughter ever again."

YOU'RE WELCOME. (hahahaha. Omg, I know, right? My youngest is still the age where she wants to watch it, and now WE CAN'T. \o/)
redbrickrose
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC)
I should not be sitting her giggling at my desk at work, but my God, where do you find this stuff? I was going to comment on the tapeworm, because WHAT? I don't even understand what that was about. - But then it was overshadowed by the care bear noncon and the vampire caveman. These fics are AMAZING.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC)
There are wonderfully cracked people out in the world wide web that compile lists of crap, and I get to sift through the fics, finding gems, being pointed to others.

AND I GIVE OF MYSELF TO SHARE WITH YOU. Merry Fucking Christmas, indeed. (Hahahahaaha.)
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southernbangel
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
I've read the Lucius drilling a hole in Draco's head and "making love to it" fic

Okay, WHAT?!?

Tapeworm sex? HP-in-space? Care Bears non-con? *weeps for destroyed childhood memories* If there is Cabbage Patch non-con out there, my entire childhood is destroyed.
redbrickrose
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
You have not heard of the infamous skull-fucking fic? I haven't actually read it because . . . well, I was going to say because I fear it, but really it's just because I can't find it, but from what I can tell it's sort of legendary in that fandom.

There's Winnie-the-Pooh/Eeyore slash out there. Just so you know. ;)
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thegirlisfrail
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
My perception of Care Bears is forever tarnished.

This was hilarious. leighm recced this, and I'm so friending you.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
Every time the Care Bears "stare" I will be thinking of this fic, as well.

Welcome aboard! Leave your brains behind, and use caution with beverages. :D
chantal87
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:13 pm (UTC)
Oh Dear! I'm not sure how your brain can not leak out of your ears after reading all this bad!fic.
I'm grateful it hasn't.

I never realized how many Porno Care Bears there were.
I gotta tell you the tape-worm sex made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Indeed ROCK THE FUCK OUT!! Harry, Indeed.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
TAPE WORM. CLearly this person has not made a study of the Amazon, or this fic would never have been made.

ROCK THE FUCK OUT, HARRY!!!!! <-- I will be saying this all day. Which is unfortunate, as I'm heading to the elementary school in a few. :D
tinpanalley
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:15 pm (UTC)

I think the Care Bear porn made my day. Now, I wonder if there is Popple or Hugga-Bunch porn...I mean, if some of my favorite childhood toys are going to get lucky in such a beautifully written way...it's really only fair that all of them get the same treatment.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC)
Personally, I'm holding out for some Monchichi (monchichi! Oh, so soft and cudd-l-y. Happy, Happy Monchichi!) fic where there's puppy play and butt plugs. And one of them is a baby that needs its diaper changed.

I AM SO BROKEN. *cracks the hell up*
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brunettepet
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
"Fan Fic: it's like Russian Roulette, but instead of random bullets, it shoots forth random tapeworm sex" My husband's making me a t-shirt right this minute!

"Because vodka smells of safety and mother, duh." *sniffs glass* Yes. Yes it does.

"he made no sound, eyes huge and round," It was lyrical, poetic even. I was in a happy Care Bear place, and then the axe falls: " as he felt something being slathered on his anus." I think care hole would have been much more lyrical than anus.

I have tears running down my cheeks and am now filled with holiday cheer! Thanks for the boost.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)
It would TOTALLY be the best t-shirt, I mean.... SERIOUSLY.

I am so glad that my bad!fic post reminded you of the reason for the season: laughing your ass off at the weirdness in others. :)

(Hey, that could be the Festivus motto!)
beanbeans
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:50 pm (UTC)
(Fists encased in fuck fire? I think that's The Clap, and you should get some ointment on that, stat.)

*SNORT!* I nearly choked on a slice of pear there!

The care bear words have left me scarred. >.<

WATERBOARDED. I... have no words.

You're the best for finding these gems and sharing. :D
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
Waterboarded!! It's either genius or really, really scary. GOD HELP US IF IT'S BOTH.

(I just like making dramatic statements, really.) :D
tabaqui
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC)
Okay.....
*All* of this is making me squirm in the not-good way but...but...but...
The worst?
Those little cocktail umbrellas have tooth-pick like ends. They are *sharp*.
OW. Ow ow ow ow ow.
*runs away*
*far far away*
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING.

Yes. The freaking POINTY END. That doesn't belong anywhere near genitalia in my book. *double checks book* Nope, no entries on acceptability. *shudder*
marenfic
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)
If I didn't know you were already broken inside I'd worry about you.

Biggest laugh of the whole post. . .and a tapeworm emerging with his top hat and spats singing "Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my rag time gaaaaaaaaaal!"


Ok, I do not get the fascination of badfic writers with mini-people. Is it some kind of fetish born from wacking off to The Borrowers? Is it mostly written by skeevy guys (+ hot tuna) with tiny dicks who live in mom's basement worshipping their collection of comic book character figurines?

Finally, and most importantly, SHOVING THE POINTY END OF A TOOTHPICK UP A VAGINA WILL NOT RESULT IN CUM PUDDLES.

Everyone knows cum puddles come from delicate anal touches and subsequent finger-smelling.

Edited at 2007-12-20 06:18 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU for laughing at my Ralph the Singing Frog joke. (Best use of that song is from Spaceballs, when the Alien creature busts forth and sings that on the deli counter.)

The mini-people thing is SO WEIRD. Why do you want a 3 inch person? I don't want a 3 inch DICK. (The Borrowers!! Ahahahahaha!)

You know what's best for cum puddles? *toe dip* You know it, bitch. *smells your finger* Heeeeeee.
viciouswishes
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
You know I think I tried to read that She Hulk/Tigra and Wanda/Janet fic. But stopped really early clearly before the waterboarding. OMG, WTF.

*icon of She Hulk angry at them*
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
I KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHTS ON THAT!! (And really, MSTKing that guy is like shooting fish in a barrel, right?)

Oh and the ending? "SHE HULK CUM!" *beats things*
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cityphonelines
Dec. 20th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
"But one must admit, feeling a cock being shoved up your ass – without any ‘preparation’ whatsoever – hurt like fucking hell."

My favorite part of this is the quotes around preparation.

My childhood is angry at the Care Bears non-con. Also? Teddy bears, in addition to having no anus, do not have an ass crack. And if you're jizzing sunflowers and red hearts, you're doing it wrong.

*waterboards*
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I know, right? I like "lubing" my anus.

And I am consulting the Geneva Convention's documents to make sure that your come, in a waterboard situation, does not violate any of the rules on torture. (Is it torture if it's rainbows? IS IT?)

I'll join you on that chug. *rips the lid off rubbing alcohol*
pernickety
Dec. 20th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, deity, I don't even know where to begin.

Well, actually I do: PRINCE!!!

FurryMUCK OMGWTF????

"Harry, you must rock the fuck out." I want somebody to turn that fic into a comic so badly. It'd be amazing. :D
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
<3 you for the }O+> love!

FURRYMUCK.
Dear god:
You messed up on a significant portion of your creation. Pls. pull a "Noah" on them.
Thanks,
Stoney

Oh my god, a COMIC! That would be badass. lml ^_^ lml
kaygrr
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
Oh Lord. I just laughed myself into tears. So loudly, a coworker demanded to be let in on the joke. I managed to choke out "carebear porn" and he fled in terror.

You've given the gift of laughter and the guarantee that no one's gonna bother me for the rest of the afternoon. You're awesome.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! You've just discovered the best way to get people to stop pestering you at work!! Awesome.

I am happy to have suffered for you, m'lady. *bow with a flourish*
menomegirl
Dec. 20th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
---------------

...............

DUDE

Care Bear Non-Con?

Then he used the force to send the flaming debris of Mercury into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and every booby sang the glories of our galaxy's past.

*headdesk*

Just...no words.

I got nothing.
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 10:43 pm (UTC)
*holds you*

Outstanding bad!fic has that affect on you...
undersea
Dec. 20th, 2007 10:09 pm (UTC)
oh sweet lord. i think i ripped my stitches from laughing so hard.
honestly, i don't know how you can stand to go through all of this junk...
stoney321
Dec. 20th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
Re-read your first sentence, and that's how I can stand it. :D

(Hint: I like something that rhymes with baffing. *g*)
beer_good_foamy
Dec. 20th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC)
and now there are vampire cavemen on mars

*switches journal title like WOAH*

Gotta say though, that after what Robot Chicken did to the carebears, nothing really shocks me anymore. Once you've seen carebears committing genocide ("Y'all know what time it is! It's bedtime - and by 'bed' I mean 'ethnic' and by 'time' I mean 'cleansing'!"), non-con careporn really isn't that far-fetched.

Or so I tell myself as I crack up as I always do from these posts.
stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2007 01:56 am (UTC)
I mean, seriously: the vampire cannibal astral projection meteor heavy metal fic may be the GREATEST THING EVER. Rock the fuck out!

Hahaha, I had completely forgotten about the Robot Chicken skit!! (I'm convinced, though, that the writers prowl about fandom. There have been several things they've done that are VERY familiar...)

Aww, your Mayor icon looks so happy and festive and ready to pass out gifts to the good employees and sacrifice the bad ones at the year end review to a demon he owes a tribute to! *beams*
darkhavens
Dec. 21st, 2007 12:13 am (UTC)
...I just had to explain to my visiting mother why I was laughing so hard the floorboards were shaking her chair. I went with the Care Bears example, sans quotes, and a quick explanation of how you venture into the darker recesses of the internet to read the scarybadfic so that we don't have to. *g*
stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
Heeee! MY WORK HERE IS DONE. *hands on hips, satisfied grin at the lot of you*

<3
darlas_mom
Dec. 21st, 2007 12:40 am (UTC)
Fact: There is Teletubbies fic, and I have read it. Tinky-Winky had sex with Bill Clinton.

Don't even PRETEND you wouldn't have looked after you saw that summary!

Actually, the mismatched hands bit makes sense when you know the fandom--"Fullmetal Alchemist." Ed has a robot arm. But the fic is WRONG, just WRONG. Tapeworm homonculi sex thing/beloved pet? No!

Harry rocking out in space under Dumbledore's orders resulting in vampire cavemen on Mars may have just made my Christmas.

::pours you several shots:: You rock so hard. Happy hols, darlin'.
stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
YOU MUST ROCK OUT this weekend. <-- omg, cannot stop saying that!!

I figured the characters on Fullmetal Alchemist had something like that, I'm just laughing at a person not reacting to being grabbed. Dude, you're being GRABBED.

And come on, you have to know by now that there is no fic I won't read. NO FIC! (Happy Holiday yourself!)
... - darlas_mom - Dec. 21st, 2007 02:44 am (UTC) - Expand
... - nekogirl_beth16 - Sep. 5th, 2008 02:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
lynnenne
Dec. 21st, 2007 12:46 am (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*inhales*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do you know how much I needed this today? DO YOU? I nearly died of laughter just reading the cut tag. *smooches you up one side and down the other*

We also have a constant reminder of how much time is passing in this story, as the protag is doing laundry.

Out of all the hilarious fucktardedness in this post, I found this the most hilarious of all. That must be some hot sex, there, baby!

Vampire cavemen on Mars! I guess Angel and Spike finally settled that astronaut/caveman debate. They were BOTH right! And David Bowie is there with Harry right now, zigging the FUCK OUT with them.

CARE BARE PORN!!! It could not get more fucktarded than this!

stoney321
Dec. 21st, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
OMG LYNNE!! I am so happy SOMEONE laughed at the cut tag. *works so hard, you don't even know!* Haha.

The hot sex of being timed while doing laundry, HOTNESS!!!

Lynne, you must rock the fuck out tonight. ROCK THE FUCK OUT!!
... - lynnenne - Dec. 21st, 2007 03:35 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 21st, 2007 01:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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