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Birthday fic! (She's The Man)

It's two of my most favorite people's birthday today, my son and my friend Lee, aka southernbangel! Lee has specific... needs, and so? This fic was born. But first! A James Lipton-esque tribute to the birthday girl.

If you go back in time, searching recorded history's archives of greatness, you'll find Sir Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. A man called 'Buddha.' Thomas Edison.

There is not one of these men that can compare to Miss Lee. In fact, those men all look like chimpanzees scratching their asses with bamboo poles in comparison. You need look no further than southernbangel to witness what a human truly can be. I only wish that a massive boulder would fall from the sky, onto my head, smashing my brain into a sticky paste so that I can say, "Dear God, I died in the presence of your greatest wonder and have no need for any more."

If you ever wish to see the highest heights that art can be taken, you should do your self the utter kindness of seeing her personal drawings of a vampire ass-baby. Never before has such a thought been so perfectly crafted, so well expressed. If I were near the Sistine Chapel, I would set it ablaze as an abomination before this greatness.

Truly, we walk among gods, or rather, a goddess. A goddess by the name of Lee. May she have mercy on our souls.

Title: Hey, Dude, Don’t Tell Your Sister We Made Out, a.k.a. Dude Looks Like A Lady
Author: Stoney
Fandom/Rating: She's The Man, Rated R. (this part is not)
Pairing: Viola(Sebastian)/Duke, Duke/Olivia
Summary: Fill in the blank fic. Takes place after the carnival when Viola and Duke kiss at the kissing booth, and goes (quasi)AU from there. (Because there wasn’t enough homo-eroticism. And there should be more confusion, dammit! ...and it totally could have happened off screen. Re-watch the scene in the gym when Viola/Sebastian hugs Duke. Duke totally lets Sebastian cling to him.)
A/N: I’m just pathetic, that’s all. Also, I have a total girl crush on Amanda Bynes. (Um, the guy that plays Duke, although a terrible actor, is terribly pretty.) For those that haven’t seen the movie, Amanda plays Viola and Viola impersonating her twin brother, Sebastian. Quotes from the movie to make this work - I didn't write them, don't claim to have. HUGE thanks to ely_jan and marenfic for last-minute beta needs. *blows kisses*

Part One


~ * ~
Dude Looks Like A Lady
~ * ~


"Yeah, so, I sorta made out with your sister. I'm sorry, man."

"No man... it's okay. If you want to kiss, then you kiss her. You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock your self out! You just take her... then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her!"

"...okay."

~She's The Man


**************

PART TWO


Viola had a fitful night’s sleep filled with dreams of turning into a marionette boy, Olivia dressed as a Ghepetto pulling her strings, and Duke marrying Eunice in a wedding ceremony on the soccer field officiated by a huge tarantula.

She woke with a start and a yelp, but Duke was already dressed and gone. She sighed and checked her sideburns; they had shifted to her cheekbones while she slept.

Viola put her chest wrap on nice and tight, then pulled her workout clothes on for the team's gym time. Duke was lifting weights, not paying attention to her as she took an empty bench nearby. She did some quick math; he had 225 pounds on his dumbbell. He could easily pick her up and hold her over his body. Do push ups over her. Throw her against a wall and press every hard, muscley, steely inch of him against her body. Rip a door off the hinges just to get to her, his eyes filled with lust and longing for her lean, athletic, boyish and mostly-curveless figure, yet there would be an understanding that he was mostly attracted to her charming personality and her skill with balls. A ball. Soccer balls.

Her daydream cut short as he rested the weighted bar onto the safety and turned to look at her, just in time for her to wipe the love-sick grin from her face.

****

Duke watched Sebastian from the corner of his eye take the bench next to him. He had decided somewhere between leg extensions and bicep curls that something had to be done about this Sebastian situation. Last night had clearly been a mistake, and both he and Sebastian needed to know that. Duke thought he knew just what could put an end to any weird roommate sexual tension they'd had. He also noticed Sebastian watching him lift weights, and fought the urge to show off by doing another set of reps. Duke cleared his throat.

"So, uh, I, was thinking of asking if your sister wanted to go have dinner at Cesarios tonight." Duke chanced a glance at Sebastian, to see how he was taking it. For a second, he wondered if Sebastian had misunderstood, because he looked like Duke had just asked him out.

"You were? Really?" Sebastian muttered something unintelligible, then cleared his throat again, "I'd love to give her your number."

"Yeah, um, if that's cool with you?"

Coach Dinklage walked in then, giving Duke a chance to catch his breath. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but a part of him had been disappointed that Sebastian seemed so eager to push his sister on him. So he's not into me? Wait, what am I saying? Duke needed to hook up with a girl, and soon. All of this guy time was messing with his head.

****

Viola's euphoria at her potential date with Duke turned to sheer elation over finally being made a first stringer on the team. She took her red jersey and looked happily at Duke, since, after all, his extra work with her was the extra push she had needed. Duke clapped hands with her and pulled her in for the one-arm hug that guys did. She couldn’t help it; she threw one arm around him, and buried her face in his neck, her hand running a trail down his back. And he held her to (him) for a moment, too.

He shivered and eventually pulled away from her, looking around the weight room to see if anyone noticed.

Viola asked him if he was going to call her sister (her) and ask her out. Duke smiled and nodded. "Yeah. I think--."

That’s when Olivia swept in and ruined everything.

****

Too much. Too much going through his brain at one time, and he just couldn't process it all. Here was the girl of his dreams, the one he'd always imagined to be the girl of his dreams, flirting with him. Checking him out, touching him, asking him to ask her out. And there was Sebastian, listening. He had just held Sebastian in his arms in the gym, for crying out loud. Had Olivia seen that? Too much.

"Uh..."

She ran her hand up his arm as his phone rang. Be cool. It was Viola. Augh, too much!

"Uh..."

Olivia was getting closer. She was like a snake, or something, bobbing and weaving, moving closer. He couldn't focus on the phone, the voice sounded just like Sebastian when he'd tried helping him learn how to talk to girls. Sebastian. His roommate that kissed just like his sister kissed. Really soft lips, really easy to talk to Sebastian.

"I'm, uh... gonna have to call you back."

Somewhere under all the fog he realized he was agreeing to a date with Olivia. And Sebastian was standing next to him again, listening to him making plans with someone else. He had to move past this, or his head would explode.

Olivia walked away and did the finger-twiddle, coy look over her shoulder thing that made guys weak in the knees. He most certainly was not affected by his roommate and friend standing so close to him. Not at all.

"You did it, man. I got a date with Olivia! Hottest girl in school!" He sing-songed to cut the tension, and to make a point. Sebastian looked pissed. Pissed at Olivia. Because Duke wasn't going out with Viola now? Something else was there, too, and it was what bothered Duke the most. Sebastian looked hurt.

Sebastian excused himself, and Duke tried to convince himself that it was for the best. He was going to have to stop thinking about both of them, Sebastian and Viola.

****

This was just going from bad to worse. Viola's stomach clenched. Now, not only was she not going out with Duke, but Olivia would be, instead. Olivia, who, it must be said, Viola had liked a lot up until now. But now? Now she could see the Olivia was just another Monique, only wanting to hook up with the hot guy in school. She had even said as much!

And, to top this off as the best thing ever in the way that was completely the opposite, she would be double dating with those two. With Eunice. Great.

She stomped to the soccer field and kicked a ball from beyond half-field to the goal.


****

They weren't saying anything. Not anything. Here was the moment he'd been waiting for since starting at Illyria, and he couldn't think of a single thing to say to Olivia. True, she'd sat next to him in a booth instead of across, which was a good sign, but she wasn't saying anything. She just sat stiffly, not looking at him, not talking to him. See, this was what he'd tried to explain to Sebastian. He just couldn't think of anything to say to girls like this. Why couldn't it be easier to talk to girls? Like how he could talk to Seba-

No. He would suck it up, be a man, and rub some dirt in it.

"So, uh... you like... cheese?"

She just looked at him. Like he was the stupidest thing on earth.

"'Sup you two? Mind if we join? Lady Pterodactyl..." Sebastian motioned for Eunice to slide into the booth's seat. Instantly, Duke felt better. Sebastian had his back. He was his friend, if nothing else, and he wouldn't let his team mate and friend go down in flames. He looked pleadingly into Sebastian's face, and mouthed "help me."

He only got a cold look in return.

And then... Olivia was throwing her arms around him, telling Eunice and Sebastian how Duke was a real man, and on and on, and... Pieces were struggling to fit into place in his brain, but it refused to come. Why was she only interested in him when Sebastian was around? Why was he asking himself this, she was hot.

Sebastian was saying something, but Duke didn't quite catch it. Olivia's hands were... places. Now or never... Duke leaned towards her and traced the delicate skin behind her ear with the barest touch of his lips. She didn't move away. In fact, she turned into him and was kissing him. Finally, something that made sense.

Duke reached up and cupped her face, kissing her more intently, not caring that they were in public, and that Sebastian was sitting right there. Olivia's face was narrower, sharper than Violas. It was just as soft as Sebastian's, though.

Sebastian was moving away. Was leaving. Guess he figured it out. Olivia got up and left, too. Duke sat there gaping, trying to figure out what had just happened. Eunice remained, sitting across from him and grinning with a wildness that only meant trouble.

"So, uh. Do... you like cheese?"

"Almost more than any other animal by-product!" Eunice was positively shaking from excitement. When Duke felt a sock-covered toe slide up his pant leg, he threw his hand into the air, "Check, please!"

****

Viola slammed into her seat at the rehearsal luncheon the next day. We-he-hell. There little Miss Perfect Girl sat, delicately sipping her Earl Grey. Viola wanted to smear the grease from her chicken leg all over that happy, beaming little face two tables back. Viola wasn't even sure how she found a chicken leg, since they were serving Waldorf salad at the Junior League function, but she couldn't be bothered by that. It was taking all of her strength to not throw that bone right at Olivia's head and drag her off by her hair.

She saw her moment; Olivia had just excused herself.

"Ladies," Viola mangled, her mouth full of food. She was going to find a way to make Olivia leave Duke alone, even if that meant playing nice at the stupid luncheon so she could have a girl-to-girl chat about not being a biotch to a really sensitive and thoughtful and handsome guy that deserved him. Her. Whatever.

But it didn't turn out as she had intended.

Olivia wasn't into Duke. Which was good. Olivia was into Sebastian. Which was bad. She was really into Sebastian. Which was terrible. She thought Sebastian was delicate and refined and thoughtful and charming. And he was. How nice for someone decent to notice and--. Viola snapped back to reality.

"...I'm going to march right up to him..."

"You march!"

"...and I'm gonna tell him how I feel..."

"You tell him!"

"...and then I'm going to kiss him so passionately.."

"Wait, what?"

"...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure."

Olivia was not going to hook up with Sebastian. Her. Whatever. There was enough him/her/him triangling already, without her/him/her thrown in the mix as well. The game was tomorrow, and this was just getting out of control.

Viola had been personally escorted off the premises after getting into a cat fight with Monique (ugh) and Olivia after the promise of Sebastian kissage prompted a hidden Monique into a hissy fit.

Something needed to be done. She needed to tell Duke before anything really bad happened. She stopped off at a cafe to change back into her Sebastian outfit.

****

Duke drove his motorcycle up the long, winding drive that led to the school, and down shifted the gears, coasting the last bit. He kept chasing the same thoughts over and over, unable to catch any of them or make sense out of what was happening. What was happening with him, with his roommate, a guy, his subconscious kept repeating, or that kiss. He kept going back to how Viola and Sebastian kissed the same, felt the same.

Then there was the extra problem of Olivia. Olivia liked him when Sebastian was around. Duke liked Sebastian when he was around. Being with Sebastian made him think of that amazing girl he kissed, the girl that just happened to be Sebastian's sister. He was having a hard time separating the siblings in his mind.

He pulled into the student parking lot and took off his helmet, lost in thought. He saw a flash across the street; Olivia running towards him. No, not to him, but towards a taxi. She was throwing her arms around someone, someone familiar. A tall, lanky guy with a lean athletic build, and she was kissing him. Sebastian.

He hit the brick wall with his helmet.

****

Viola had made the decision to not say anything, not until after the game. She knew that it would upset Duke, and she didn't want to ruin the game for him. She could keep this up for one more day. Then she would tell him everything, and he would tell her that he had known all along, and she was amazing, one of the best center forwards he'd ever had the honor to play with, and was the most strong, yet delicate girl he'd ever had the fortune to fall for.

Yep, she'd just have to make it one more night, and then she'd let the chips fall where they may.

She rested her hand on the door to her room, sighed, and prepared her voice to her lower register.

"Hey, man. Coach Dinklage wants to see you." She threw her bag with her cotillion dress stashed inside into the bottom of her closet.

"You think you know someone..."

Warning bells were ringing in her head. He knows.

"Duke, I'm sorry, but you have to understand that I love soccer more than anything..."

He wasn't listening. He claimed she had kissed Olivia. Okay, she was one hundred percent sure that she had not kissed a girl, Olivia or otherwise. He was grabbing her, shoving her, screaming at her, his face filled with rage and hurt. She had to say something.

"She was never interested in you. She was just using you to get to me."

Wrong thing. He looked at her as if she had been the one using him.

"You were trying to distract me so you could...."

His voice turned to a buzzing in her ear. It was all wrong. Everything was falling apart around her. She couldn't tell if Duke liked her, her brother, Olivia... Duke forcibly shoved her out of their room and locked the door. That made Duke's feelings on her pretty clear, she thought.

She had nowhere to go. She sat slumped on a bench outside the boys dormitory, trying to forget the look on Duke's face.

Eunice had evidently found that night to be a perfect night to practice her moonwalking. Counting every step out loud, she slithered her way along the lawn to the bench where Viola was sitting and sat down as close to "Sebastian" as she could without sitting in his lap. Viola could use a sympathetic ear, truth be told. She quickly summed up the lack of a bed to sleep in, and how tired she was.

"I've never had a roommate...." Eunice rested her head on Viola's shoulder. Viola tried to ignore the spider-fingers moving up her thigh and the metal-covered teeth rasping against the side of her neck.

"Eunice, hands."

At least she still had the game tomorrow.




Comments

( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
ely_jan
Jan. 30th, 2008 01:15 am (UTC)
I'm so going to have to watch this movie again - all because of you!
stoney321
Jan. 30th, 2008 01:23 am (UTC)
I just noticed I didn't C&P the header from the new bit, so I didn't get my beta info up! *hands you a wet noodle*

:)
ely_jan
Jan. 30th, 2008 01:24 am (UTC)
*noodle-slaps you around the head, neck and shoulders* Hee! No worries, but I do love a good noodling!
southernbangel
Jan. 30th, 2008 02:12 am (UTC)
OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I only wish that a massive boulder would fall from the sky, onto my head, smashing my brain into a sticky paste so that I can say, "Dear God, I died in the presence of your greatest wonder and have no need for any more."

HAHAHA. I love your James Lipton as portrayed by Will Ferrell.

ILU. *goes back to reading the story OMG*
stoney321
Jan. 30th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Oh, man, I miss interviewing "celebrities" as Will as James.

ILU2.
southernbangel
Jan. 30th, 2008 02:22 am (UTC)
Do push ups over her. Throw her against a wall and press every hard, muscley, steely inch of him against her body. Rip a door off the hinges just to get to her, his eyes filled with lust and longing for her lean, athletic, boyish and mostly-curveless figure, yet there would be an understanding that he was mostly attracted to her charming personality and her skill with balls.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT.

She couldn’t help it; she threw one arm around him, and buried her face in his neck, her hand running a trail down his back. And he held her to (him) for a moment, too.

...His roommate that kissed just like his sister kissed. Really soft lips, really easy to talk to Sebastian.


Man oh man, I am loving Duke's confusion and semi-willingness. DO HIM, DUKE.

He would suck it up, be a man, and rub some dirt in it.

HAHAHA.

Viola wasn't even sure how she found a chicken leg, since they were serving Waldorf salad at the Junior League function, but she couldn't be bothered by that.

Okay, now I'm dying with laughter because so. dadgum. true. Where does she find that massive chicken leg?

Eunice had evidently found that night to be a perfect night to practice her moonwalking.

Eunice = greatest character ever or greatest character EVER?

What a terrific chapter in a hilarious, fabulous story. Your Viola/Sebastian voice is spot-on, and Duke's confusion and hesitation is absolutely beautiful. I love this story SO DAMN MUCH.


stoney321
Jan. 30th, 2008 02:42 am (UTC)
As much as I love the image of Viola angrily gnawing on that chicken leg, WHERE DID IT COME FROM? Hahahaha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COOKIE. (I may need to watch Duke workout scenes to unwind tonight. Mmmmmmm.)

And I re-watched the tarantula scene today. Duke TOTALLY GRABS SEBASTIAN into his tight embrace, tight embrace. HEEE.
redbrickrose
Jan. 30th, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
Hee! This is completely hilarious and awesome. The awkwardness! The confusion! There should totally have been more homoeroticism in the movie.
stoney321
Jan. 30th, 2008 04:43 pm (UTC)
There really should have been! I mean, he falls in love with his roommate, then SAYS it when she's a girl. Hello! :D

Thank you for reading!! I was going for hilarious and awesome, so that works for me. (hahahaha.)

<3
southernbangel
Jan. 30th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
I just reread this and love it even more.
a2zmom
Jan. 30th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
This is just the cutest thing ever!
stoney321
Jan. 30th, 2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
YAY! Thanks so much! (The movie is a total guilty pleasure, I won't lie. Um, EXCELLENT eye candy, btw.)
semby
Jan. 30th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
Still totally awesome. I love how you have managed to make this like 10x more confusing for everyone involved than it already was in the movie. And how Duke now had way more reason to be upset about the kiss.
stoney321
Jan. 31st, 2008 12:10 am (UTC)
*clappy hands!!* Yayayay, thanks!

Hahaha, more confusion = awesome. Er... I think. :D
marenfic
Jan. 31st, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha! Duke is so confused, and I love that you're making the subtext more textual by highlighting that Duke was less jealous over Olivia than he was over Sebastian.

I can not wait for more sexing. I'm a whore like that.
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
Speaking of whores... Weren't we? Aren't we always?

I love that you love that Duke loves that Sebastian loves. (It works, do the math.) ILUMAREN.
brunettepet
Feb. 2nd, 2008 12:54 am (UTC)
I loved this confusing brain ramble: "He didn't want to admit it to himself, but a part of him had been disappointed that Sebastian seemed so eager to push his sister on him. So he's not into me?" Duke catching Viola grinning giddily at him in her Sebastian suit just fanned the flames of lust even higher!

I think Viola's going to have to buy toys to keep a relationship going with Duke. This story is making me grin.
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
*huuuuugs* Oh, thank you thank you! I'm so happy that this is working - that the tension's there, it's (fairly) plausible...

Thanks so much!
elucidate_this
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God. I love this. I don't suppose you could be persuaded into writing more of it?
stoney321
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
I want to! I want to carry it all the way through to the end of the movie. I've got to finish the Missionary fic and polish up a few other things, then- Well... who knows? Hopefully!

(I'm very happy that you liked what's here, thank you!)
moosesal
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
Eee. I just watched this movie this afternoon. I'd never seen the whole thing in one sitting before, but by the end I had to have fic and remembered you'd written this.

It's fabulous. The makeout scene on the bed is so freaking hot. *fans self* And I love that you stopped there, that you didn't take it to more, but slotted it into the movie instead. Great job.
stoney321
Jun. 15th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
hahahahaha, YAY! What a fun comment to find in my box. Take that how you will. Hee. I love that movie, it's ridiculous how much. \o/

Thanks so much, Sal, a compliment from you is high praise indeed.
moosesal
Jun. 15th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC)
I might possibly be plotting out my own fic for this movie. I just don't know if I can actually get it written. I've been a bit blocked lately. We'll see.
stoney321
Jun. 15th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, write write! If you need any encouragement, idea bouncing, I'm always your gal.
moosesal
Jun. 15th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
I may take you up on that. I may also ask you to beta since you know the movie.
stoney321
Jun. 15th, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
Ask away, I've got nothing going on this week at all.
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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