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Not since "Buffy felt the cold duck bill enter her vagina" have I read something that truly made me stop, question my eyesight, my sanity, and/or the sanity of the writer. I'll share it with you under the cut. Also, since the last bad!fic post apparently traumatized everyone, this one promises to be Funnier! With more WTF and the piquant taste of ROFL!



He'll die in my arms, my dick planted in his ass

1. I'm not into necrophilia.
2. No one else should be, either.
3. Who is this Johnny AppleCockseed, and does humanity really need dick trees? If so, I call for equal time with vagina bushes. (See what I did there?)


"Drink this Giles and believe me"

But... I want to drink that Giles. He looks tastier.




I like it when people misspell words and give the sentence a completely new meaning. Here's a story header that pleases me:

Warnings- Yaoi, yaoi, and more yaoi! Warningwarningwarning! There will be men having sex in this story. If you don’t like this, why the hell did you open this story? I put in the summery lemon.


My question: where did they put the fall blueberry? Er...maybe I don't want to know.

Remember in grade school how fun it was to have a map legend/key assignment? I liked it when I was 8. Not so much with stories I read.

Mindless Dribble- Shmoo.

"Words" -talk

`Words` -thought

(-)(-)(-) -scene change

(-)(-)(-)(-)


What is SHMOO? Is that bowling pin cartoon character in this story? Because that is wrong in a yaoi fic.

  • He hunted through his bag and produced a small tube, barely used. "And now, the sex!" I'm not the only one picturing John Cleese sitting at a desk near the ocean, am I?

  • He circled the tip several times before plunging the finger into the penis. AY YI YI! Cut that out RIGHT NOW. I don't even have a penis, and I'm clenching.



A note from the author is helpfully put right into the fic after (-)(-)(-), which, after consulting my key, means a scene change.

Okay, I removed this from FanFiction.Net because I was terribly insulted and even told to stop writing. If that happens here, I will remove it. Yes, I know the sex is damn near impossible. Don't comment.Ever.


*salutes* No problemo.




Let's talk about "a white boy's love for an Indian Brave," where the author states that he imagined himself to be the protagonist. At least this one's admitting Peter Stu-ism. The title of this tender romance: "Brave Butt Boy." I think, now, I'm not certain, but I think it's a double entendre.

Sweat runs down my back and under my pants causing an itch on butt.

Please note this is the "white boy" speaking. Let's go ahead and get a betting pool started on the chance that "wampum" and "me thinkum" will appear in this story. Without irony. I've got five on them both. The author goes on for (literally) 22 paragraphs about chopping wood (causing an itch on butt) then starts humping his axe blade. Let's hope it's the flat side - this is the one important detail that's been left out.)

My dick presses wonderfully against his butt. I reach around his slim waist and hold him tightly to me. My thrusts feel good. I grasp his thickly skinned erection. Thickly skinned erection. Buffalo hide? Deer skin? No, beaver! Wait, this is a slash fic, so they wouldn't use that.... [insert Moose joke]



In the "I Truly Question What Happened In The Author's Past" Category:

The long wooden handle [of the ax] reminds me of a horse's cock. What would it be like to embrace an excited stallion laying on its side? I'm curious about the feel of their long dong. I've belly rubbed with a man before. (Dong. He used DONG. I'm actually sad he didn't call it a ding-dong. Also: Equus was not a sex guide manual, boys!!)



Here's the kind of sense that makes none, part a million

"I suppose that even in this heat Indians can't go about fully naked."



In the "You Must Be The Stupidiest Gay Man Ever" Category:

"Strange sensations fill me from his fingering in my ass. I don't understand his interest there." (Really, it makes its own joke.)



AHAHAHAHAHA. No.

  • "I'd been shown a man's act of sperming by a fur trader" (I really feel there's a Moby Dick/Nathaniel Philbrick joke to be made, somehow. Like, did the kindly pedophile fur trader [the protagonist is a young man]) teach him to shout, "Thar he blows!" when he squirts? <-- the preferred term in this fic for climaxing.)

  • "[The fur trader] rubbed his butt up against mine while making strange noises." (You're doing it wrong. Also, I would have been happy to learn that the strange noises were those of an angry wildcatter: "Carnfounded, rassle frassle, hornswoggler!")

  • "Our butts pressed firmly together while his humped against mine." (now I'm thinking of Mrs. Garrison crying out, "Oh, yeah, scissor me!"

  • "This Indian brave also wants to release my dick." (Fly away, be freeeeee! *flings it into the sky, like a captured dove*)

  • "My dick explodes at that moment!" (Little known fact: dicks are a lot like land mines, YET MORE DANGEROUS.

  • "I'm embarrassed that he took my sperm out in the open" (I don't even understand, y'all. And now I'm imaging some albino cave creature, mewling in pain at the sight of the sun. It buuuurns! It buuuurns!)

  • "I watch his puckered hole wink in and out" (it isn't an eye. IT ISN'T AN EYE! Also, in and OUT? It's like a pulsing hemorrhoid, and that is NOT conducive to sex. I just made a Chewbacca-esque noise of derision, for those interested)






But Stoney, you might be saying, brave butt boys is one thing, but where are the fics about unattractive rock-n-roll stars that Corey Feldman once emulated in the late 80s, and perhaps, that unattractive rock-n-roller is wrapped in plastic wrap? And I would reply, with a gentle and knowing smile, they are here! An entire website dedicated to Roy Orbison bound in see-through plastic wrap! Truly, the earth had a need for this. We know this because the author has PUBLISHED BOOKS. *cries*

Let's look more closely at the ROY ORBISON IN SPACE, ALSO WRAPPED IN PLASTIC WRAP fic. Because surely a Pulitzer is due. So, they're in space, in a modified Jetta (I'm not making this up) and captained by: "Captain Roy Orbison of the Space Pioneers." As if it could have been captained by any other! The author soothes us with this important note:

Hitherto I have kept my tales of Roy in clingfilm strictly within the realms of plausibility


Yes, this is plausible. *steeples fingers under chin* Continue.

So the Jetta (with modified BMW enginges - German fetish? YES.) is hit by asteroids and GASP! They've forgotten to bring space suits! (I'm thinking shitty captain without foresight, but hey. What do I know about space travel?) Fortunately, there is CLING WRAP.

Cap'n Orbison: You will wrap me in cling-film at once. (*snaps to attention!* Yes Suh!")


In the "There Are So Many More Deutsch References, They Deserve Their Own Category" Category

  • I seem to hear the strains of Strauss's Blue Danube Waltz in my head

  • 'Dusseldorf, we have a problem,' he says

  • 'Adjust thrusters, Mr. Haarbürste,'

  • 'At once, mein Kapitan!'

  • enjoy a warming glass of Glühwein

  • 'You have been good this year,' he continues. 'You have been orderly and polite and have kept your shoes neatly arranged.' (Today you will not be shot. And now is the time on Shprockets ven ve dance!



Oh, hey. There's also a Roy Wrapped At Christmas, where Santa appears. And gives the protagonist plastic wrap for Christmas. And watches him wrap up Roy Orbison. (Why the fuck is it Roy Orbison? I mean, why not Simon LeBon or John Lennon or freakin' ELVIS? Jesus.)

'He is completely wrapped in Clingfilm,' I say to Santa.

'Ho,' says Santa, stroking his trademark white beard. 'So this is how it is. Is it that you like to wrap him as a present to the world?'

'Who can plumb the mysteries of the human heart?'


Who indeed, fair author. Who indeed. Also, I didn't realize Santa had a trademark. I wonder what his residuals are? The story ends with Santa asking to be wrapped, and the protagonist wraps him and stands him next to Roy Orbison.

'Both Father Christmas and Roy Orbison are completely wrapped in clingfilm,' I say.

I place Santa next to Roy and stand in between them. With some difficulty I wrap all three of us up together as best I can. We enjoy a quiet but satisfying yuletide until people from the social services come to release us.

God Bless us one and all.




Speechless. Wait, no I'm not. AHAHAHAHA. At least some social workers showed up! God HELP us, one and all.





Have a terrific weekend. Avoid plastic wrap and dead rock stars, if at all possible.

Comments

( 69 comments — Leave a comment )
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brunettepet
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
"Don't comment.Ever." Are you threatening me?

Sperming? Oh, no. That is just not sexy at all.

stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
I actually found that command very freeing. Because that means she'll keep on writing NO MATTER WHAT. *basks*

SPERMING. I feel like it's an 18th Century term for Whaling, but it isn't, is it?
wolfshark
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
*dies*

Oh, this may have just made my friday!
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
*salutes* My job is finished here. :D
southernbangel
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:37 pm (UTC)
Okay, the ass-planting dick is bad enough (dude, have you read some of the other stories? Ahahahaha), the Brave Butt Boy is mind-numbingly awful and hilarious at the same time, but the Roy Orbison cling wrap fics are just beyond creepy.

Like, here's the line for "Ideas that creep out Lee:"

DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE

beastiality
necrophilia
furries
My Little Pony fandom
rubber play
piercing your clit


Roy Orbison cling wrap fetish not only has crossed that line, it is so far beyond the line that. . . well, there is no more line. I think I've discovered the fic that has truly broken my mind.

Edited at 2008-02-01 04:38 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
I love it when I come across a "pierced clit" because NO.

The Roy Orbison fics are just WEIRD, not like, sexy. At all. Because it's ROY FREAKING ORBISON. (And people think I'm weird for liking Will Ferrell??)
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maevebran
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
Oh how I needed that laugh. I love your sarcastic ocmments on bad fic. Of course the Social Workers show up because how will the world live with out "Pretty Woman, walkin' down the street"?
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
It's like... the author KNOWS he needs help, and this is his first baby step towards seeking it.

"Pretty Woman/ Cling-wrapped on the street
Pretty Woman/ wrapped up just like some meat
Pretty Woman
You look as lovely as can be
Are you lonely just like me?
Rawr!"

....that's actually creepier than the story.




... - maevebran - Feb. 1st, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
juno
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
Is it wrong that I think that the Roy Orbinson/Cling film guy is weirder than a furry?

Or maybe weirder than anyone ever?

There might be someone more strange or with a more specific kink but maybe they don't have a website. And if there is, I feel confident you'll find them.
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
I think you're right in thinking that. WHY ROY ORBISON? I've asked myself that several times this morning.

I feel it's my duty to the human race to lift the mossy rock of bad!fic and expose the squirming, wriggling nastiness hiding underneath.
nicole_anell
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)
Today you will not be shot. And now is the time on Shprockets ven ve dance!
I am DYING.

'Ho,' says Santa, stroking his trademark white beard.
...no, you're kidding, right? This is a hilarious joke. It has to be.

I'll never understand what people find so difficult about the basic *mechanics* of gay sex. Butt rubbing? FINGER IN PENIS? I feel like all of these were written by eleven-year-olds and Republican congressmen.
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
BUTT RUBBING. Just... Hand rubbing a butt? Sure thing. Two butts that bump in the night? *head scratching*

I can't even BEGIN on the other thing. (Ahahahahahahha to your last comment. Bwah ha!!)

Also, I am so in love with your icon, I can't even begin to express it.
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killerweasel
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
heeheeheeheehee

'Butt rubbing' makes me think of my golden retrier skritching his rump on the fence. Then again, he always does have a smile on his face when he does it.

stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
Maybe this is some unknown pleasure lost when the White Man stole the Land and Great Spirit from the natives?

(note to anyone reading this: I am of native American Indian descent.)
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lynnenne
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:09 pm (UTC)
Drink this Giles and believe me

Giles is the new Jesus.
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA

Lynne, allow me to hand you First Prize in the Internet Mental Olympics.
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earcmacfithil
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
Roy Orbisonin space with cling-wrap.....

Would that make him a Cling-On?
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:58 pm (UTC)
My own personal disappointment for not coming up with that myself can only be measured by instruments of the FUTURE, instruments that can calculate sorrow to the highest magnitude.

Freaking HILARIOUS.
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drusplace
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
I may very well have nightmares from the very idea of Roy Orbison Clingwrap idea. Actaully I think I'm already having DayMares.

"He hunted through his bag and produced a small tube, barely used. "And now, the sex!"" - Thats not just bad porn, but bad!writing as well. Some writers fail to edit out some words, this writer apparantly just didn't even bother to USE words. - And I use the term writer liberally.

Finger in the penis? Funniest and most painful thing I've read today.

Thanks for the Friday giggle! Although sometimes I think I shouldn't read your journal at work! (And I so mean that as a compliment)
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
It's like the author was confused about liking that one scene in Fried Green Tomatoes, and kept thinking about it while listening to Rammstein's maship of Pretty Woman.

And these posts aren't just for the bad porn, although, let's face it: I love that stuff. It's about just WTF in general with the written word. I'm just blown away by some of the stuff I find (and don't even share! WOW.)

Haha, Thanks!!
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)
Isn't that weird? I mean, I can't get past his choice in it being Roy freaking Orbison, the most unsexy rocker ever. (Granted, they aren't sexy stories, just... the guy knows what he likes. Roy Orbison in Saran wrap.)

Did you see my post yesterday? I got my package, and I can't thank you enough!! You are just the most thoughtful woman. And the hand cream is FABULOUS. My hands were looking pretty bad, so perfect timing!!

(Side note, I'm heading out the door to the yarnery - my final skeins are in! \o/)
chrisleeoctaves
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)

# He circled the tip several times before plunging the finger into the penis.

In this house, that is considered foreplay. Just ask my husband...I am forever plunging my finger into his penis...and, trust me, the hole is so big, I get lost.

mwah.
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
My husband likes me to jam bratwursts in there. Then wrap it all up in cellophane, weigh it, print off a sticker, and stick it in the front window. (We call it "Deli-games.")

You should see if you can ride a bike into that love tunnel. I bet he'll LOVE IT.
mireille719
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, I had not thought of that Roy Orbison in Cling Film site in *years*. It traumatized me...five or six years ago. *has flashbacks now*
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 11:42 pm (UTC)
How could you know of my love for Bad!Fic and not tell me of it sooner!?!? *rends clothing* Hahahaha.

The best thing about the internet, there's YEARS worth of crap to find.
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hana_ginkawa
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:45 pm (UTC)
And now is the time on Shprockets ven ve dance!

For some reason, when I read this line, I suddenly saw an older German gentleman in my mind raise his fist like he's at some rally or...something.

Anyhow, this is just classic!
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 11:43 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEE.

The Sprockets line is just something I co-opted from Saturday Night Live - Mike Meyers did a German Talk Show host that I looooooved.
pernickety
Feb. 1st, 2008 06:45 pm (UTC)
Somebody wrote a novel about ROY ORBISON IN CLINGFILM. I´ll be repeating that to myself all night and I doubt my brain will ever process it.

Though: A new world record for the most number of people simultaneously wrapped in clingfilm was established at the launch party.
That makes it all so worth it.


I can't decide what quote made me laugh more. It's either Adjust thrusters, Mr. Haarbúrste or We enjoy a quiet but satisfying yuletide until people from the social services come to release us.
Either or both of those need to be printed on t-shirts.

The German fetish scares me a bit. Especially since the guy chooses (chooses!) to go by Mr. Hairbrush. I would ask myself how the hairbrush figures into the clingfilm scenario, but that way madness lies.

PS: I spend the last couple of weeks usefully and have now watched every single episode of Buffy. I am completely hooked. I'll give myself a bit of time to get my brain in working order again and then I move on to Angel. I hate myself for not watching it sooner.
stoney321
Feb. 1st, 2008 11:45 pm (UTC)
I think we're sitting on a GOLDMINE with "We enjoy a quiet but satisfying yuletide until people from the social services come to release us."

That, on a tee shirt, would sell out EVERY YEAR.

Hairbrush? Is that what the name translates into?? Oh, man, even funnier!!!

(Oh, YAY!! Did my sister convince you? ;) I can't wait to hear your thoughts on all of it!!)
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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