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Dude, it's not even *March* yet.

Dear Owner/User of a Leaf Blower:


I guess no one's ever come right out and said this to you before, so please. Allow me.

You're an asshole. And worse than that, you're a lazy asshole. Let me walk you through the whys.

  • You pulled a shoe-box sized amount of weeds from your garden. Surely you can pick those up, or sweep them.
  • You blew them into the street.
  • What won't come into my yard, goes into the storm drain. When those clog up (and they do) they flood our street.
  • They are freakin' LOUD. To the tune of 80 - 95 decibels, the equivalent of a subway train at three feet's distance.
  • Did I mention that they might (read: most likely will) blow into my yard?
  • Know how you're the type that complains about "illegal immigrants takin' er jerbs?" I bet you could hire my son or another young man/lady to rake and bag your garden waste for you.
  • Or you know, you could stop hiring lawn companies that don't know what they're doing, charge you a bundle, and hire illegal immigrants.
  • You are overweight. I bet raking leaves would be a good way to comply with your doctor's orders. (A grown man can burn around 460 calories raking leaves.)
  • The least you could do is USE THE VACUUM/MULCHER BUILT INTO YOUR MACHINE. That way, it goes into its OWN bag. You just have to dump it out. Surely that's not too taxing for you?


Next time I spend two hours pulling your waste (and the guy across the street's, and the guy two houses down's waste) from my flower beds, I'm going to upend the bag on your front step with a note:

"Ooops! Looks like you misplaced your yard waste! Here you go!
Signed,
Thoughtful neighbor"

P.S. There's no little grass fairy that collects your scraps from the street after you've gone inside. IT'S ME.

Grow up and be responsible.

~Stoney

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Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
midnightsjane
Feb. 29th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Go, Stoney!
You just hit one of my personal pet peeves. I hate those things with a fiery passion; they pollute the air and my ears, and they just move the problem into someone else's yard. Grrrr.
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC)
I cannot stand them. The noise pollution is the worst, for me. I garden for RELAXATION and PEACE. Then they come along and screw it up....
brunettepet
Feb. 29th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
Leaf blowers are obnoxious. Didn't we all buy self mulching mowers for a reason? The city picks up yard waste and composts it for city parks, for goodness sake. Bag it up, people. It's not rocket science.
stephanierb
Feb. 29th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)

Word.
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
I know! And half of these people use a lawn service that use mulching mowers, and then come home and blow the scant amount of clippings into the street instead of SWEEPING THEM back onto their lawn where they can do some good. *chokes a bitch*
stephanierb
Feb. 29th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)

That's seriously obnoxious. Why people think it's okay to dump their trash on other people's lawns is beyond me. No doubt he would be ripshit if someone did it to him.
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
Well, we might find out just how he'll react to someone dumping their clippings right back on their porch. *plots*
fiveandfour
Feb. 29th, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
There's a kid (young teen or pre-teen) who has apparently been hired by a local business to use a leaf blower for 4 consecutive hours for an extremely small amount of space every few days in mid-evening during the summer. So *just* at the moment when we're done with our outdoor activities after work and sit down for dinner or reading or whatever we get the wonder and joy of that leaf blower starting up.

There are some houses right next to where he "works" and I really don't know how the people who live in them haven't gone crazy and shoved that leaf blower into one or more of that kid's orifices. We're annoyed enough as it is with a little distance between us, but at least we can turn up the stereo or tv and do our best to drown him out.

And finally, I think leaf blowers are one of the worst inventions ever invented. Is it that damned hard to rake and sweep? I've done it myself and I say no, it isn't. I'll give the professionals with a lot of ground to cover and the infirm a break, but any healthy person with a regular-sized yard gets the Glare of Doom from me.
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
I AGREE. With all points made here.

...I would go insane if it was at night. At least all of my neighbors enjoy doing it First Thing In The Morning. During school, it's not as bad, but in the summer when I want to sleep in? ACK.
xochitl42
Feb. 29th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
My immediate response (which, of course, needs to be reeled in, and quick) is to light the damn yard on fire.

Your option is much funnier, and much more likely to keep you out of prison.
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
If left to my own devices (and underfed) I might do the fire thing, on top of everything else.
entrenous88
Feb. 29th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
Bleh, the noise of those = deafening!!
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
J, there were THREE going at one time, at one point. It was all I could do to not chuck my shovel at them like a spear.
thebratqueen
Feb. 29th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC)
There's a circle of hell for those who use leaf blowers irresponsibly. (I include BLOWING TOO DAMN EARLY ON A WEEKEND in this list)
stoney321
Feb. 29th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, add people who mow their lawns at 7:30am on Saturday morning!! Our STOOPID neighbors to our side do this all summer long. And then use a leaf blower to blow the clippings into the street. GAAAAAH.
dovil
Feb. 29th, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
That's why I wait until hurricane season to do my weeding and Nature can be my leaf blower.
lostlo
Mar. 1st, 2008 07:04 am (UTC)
FTW!!!

I miss Florida. Sometimes.
st_salieri
Mar. 3rd, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
OMG I HATE those things. When I am queen of the universe, they shall be outlawed. Just the mower/trimmer are enough to make me cringe.

I have a Lawn Guy. I feel so bourgeoisie. My Lawn Guy lives next door to me, so I like to threaten him by reminding him that I know where he lives if he does a crappy job.

I tried to be good and mow the lawn myself. I pretty much gave up after two or three attempts. I am lazy and melt in the heat.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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