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A little bad!fic to start the week.

But first, kookiness. I have three inches of snow on the ground here. Texas. March. I've never never seen snow past mid-February, and I've grown up here. It was 80 degrees on Saturday! But because this is typical for Texas (the fluctuation) this is why I walked past the tomato and basil plants on Saturday - sobbing with want - because not until the 15th is it clear. *plays taps for all the dead plants people foolishly planted this weekend*

And now for something completely different. *plays organ nude*


Okay, reason to hate Furries #5,927: I read the following yesterday: "Handpaws." It makes me want to put a ban on teddy bears for babies. For ever.


But what about Peter Pan porn, you might be wondering? What about said porn written with the gloved fists of a 12 year old without any language skills but a deep love of bodice rippers? I give you: Wendy/Captain Hook. [ETA] Turns out that English is *not* her native language, which explains the grammar. So. Take that into account. :)


  • “Wendy Darling!” he whispered and stepped slowly to the girl, eyeing her careful. I'm guessing her "careful" is the rainbow-colored wig on her head. No? A jaunty chapeau in her hands?

  • "You are much more braver I ever thought " This is most more baddest than I done thinked.

  • "Take the young lady to my quarter." But don't let her enter my penny, it's a frightful mess.

  • "As child she had been enchanted by his eyes, voice and hole appearance." Sure orifices didn't just appear out of thin air on a normal man, only on Capt. Hook!

  • "it counted more and more less" What language is this person writing in? Their understanding of sentence structure is less and less more.

  • "And after you was so nice to let the weapon laid on the table." WHAT. Oh, wait. Read it in a thick Russian accent, and it's far more entertaining. And change "Wendy/you" to "Yanush."

  • Wendy let not any fear rising in her. Okay, this has to be babelfish. It's too sad to think otherwise. (Or Yoda? "Fear not in Wendy rising, yeeeeeees." *yoda laugh*)

  • “Damn it, little-one, I will get you for this!” Haha! Kita, I believe there should be a residuals check in the mail.

  • "But I will dying in fight, not slaughtered like a livestock!” This should be a drinking game. Can someone get on some laminated cards for all of us? I'll pour out the Vodka.

  • "Yes, you are right. I will kill you – not one time but over and over again!” Ah, as the Victorians called it: The Little Death.

  • "what sent a strong shiver down her spine and let her stomach knotting even more." Uh... the flu? A cold burst of wind? E. Coli? ...a pirate tongue?

  • "she felt [...] a growing hardness in her abdomen." No. No belly cocks, please.

  • "shot a flash of heat into his lumbar region" Why is the small of his back on fire? Did he back into a candle?

  • "She was shocked behind comprehension" But she was stalwart in front of apprehension, and confused at the side of discernment. Wendy thought to herself that those were terrible pirate names.

  • "He covered on of her buns" AHAHAHA. What?! "He exposed to of her baguettes" should be in this story, as well.

  • "his cupidity for her grew even more" ...is this some weird analogy for an arrow? FAIL.

  • "But as he bit her careful" Okay, so her careful isn't a wig. A piece of pie? Why would Wendy bring a piece of pie? Aha! To stuff into his hole appearance! Clever girl.

  • "feather light touches to her inner tights" I know people wore a lot of layers back then, but jeez. Two layers of tights?

  • "The breeches pressed painful in his guts" What did I say about belly cocks, Author?

  • "pressed his thumb on her clit, what let her sighed" I seriously love how jacked up the grammar is in this story. What *did* let her sighed? Global warming? Darfur? Her clitoris becoming a doorbell?

  • "Her lids flattered down, low moans erupted from her throat." Is flattered down a way of underplaying a compliment? (I'll give you a second.) And I didn't know Wendy had a tracheotomy. Blech.

  • "Wendy? Are you all right? You scarred me!” Put the branding iron down, Wendy! Jesus, this story got rough!

  • "With a scream she started to run again, this time headless." Forget a detachable penis, this chick has a detachable head!

  • "Then his mimic hardened" Okay... that's a new one.

  • "Softly he wiped the sweat from her forehead and cradled her to his chest, slipping careful out of her. " Okay, so... careful is a dick? Why does WENDY have a dick, though (see above)? Peter Pan is kinkier than I thought, apparently.



There are twelve more chapters to that story, too. And the thing is, Capt. Hook and an older Wendy? Hot. This? Uh... Take a look at my careful and tell me what you see.






In the "That's Not Hot. Not Even Remotely" Category:
  • "still clenching my little hard on between my thumb and forefinger" "My penis. So small." [/South Park]
  • "Me, Myron Lipshitz, with my caved-in chest and my hunched, narrow shoulders... my sagging, hairy ass and skinny legs... dressed in high heels and stockings, pulling frantically on my miniscule[sic] little dingaling..." Wow. Get my panties OFF, y'all! Mmmm. *inhaler* "As long as you don't step on my corns or trigger my aaaaaasthma, we can do this. But only if you have cotton sheets. Polyester gives me a raaaaash. Oh, my god, my mother would schvitz if she saw me with you goyim." [/Lipshitz voice]
  • "He was proud that his sack was so full and swollen, he liked looking at his huge baby-makers hanging down, filled with spooge." You know how the pyramids have images of cats being worshiped? What if in 3000 years, a new civilization sees this crap on line and thinks we had some religion about big balls and dicks like those fertility gods of Western Africa? Where's the cavernous vagina religion!? Even the African religions put women's tits and bellies above the bowling ball sized nuts. Haha. (And seriously. What girl is turned on by big ol' balls? Good hell.)




In the "Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much" Category:
Everyone said he should be an actor, but he scoffed at the idea. Waaaaay to[sic] faggy for a guy like him, he believed This after 125 words describing how he likes to walk naked through the HS weight room/shower room showing off his dong (the author's word) to the coaches, his teammates, random guys hanging out in the shower... Walking so it made an audible "thwapp" against his thigh so heads would turn. And look at his cock. To make other guys check out - in detail - the protag's dick. Mmm hmm, that's the straightest behavior in the world.



In the "Ethics Schmethics!" Category:
The boy had one of the biggest penises he had seen on a ball player, and often he stared at it when David wasn't looking. It just hung off of him, like a hose lying across one leg or resting on the table when David would sit with his big thighs spread. Dr.Greene respected his boys and only kept them naked for as long as they had to be. And seriously. A HOSE. Hey, Dirk Diggler! "I'm a star I'm a star I'm a star!" "I'm ready to fuck now!" <-- Hahaha Boogie Nights was on this weekend. "This is genuine fake Italian leather."



Fun With Adjectives and Descriptions:
  • "two fantastic nipples" (I've seen lovely nipples, I've seen mediocre nipples - hell, who of us here hasn't? - but madam, those nipples, those aereolas... FANTASTIC! *kisses fingers*)
  • "pouting cunt lips" (they are such brats, those cunt lips.)
  • "sexual insanity" (um... no. We don't screw the deranged, people.)
  • "He sported a very healthy cock that stretched to 9.25 inches and was easily as thick as his wrist!" (I want you to stop reading right now and look at your wrist. Also, why the quarter-inch? Just round it up to a healthy 10. And make it as fat as your ankle!)
  • "She threw her legs into the air, bicycling with them" (That's gotta be hard while someone's boning you. My hat's off to you. Also, this is making me think of the old Richard Simmons show in the 70s with the burnt umber carpeting, and that's not working for anyone.)
  • "cuntal walls" (Quite the wordsmith.)
  • "his huge cruel cudgel"
  • "his salted broth"
  • "his glossy bulb"
  • "cummy pussy" (oh, ick.)




Let's come up with some of our own!
  • mewling pussy
  • stabbity cockstaff
  • massive, hard bocce balls
  • wet, humid crevasse
  • enchanting poon mouth
  • thrusty shiny lavendar fuckinator
  • gaping maw issuing a sucking vacuum vortex of sin







It's no "Rock the fuck out, Harry," but it's close.

"Surprise!" said Harry as he boned Draco up the ass."

Except he doesn't. He gives Draco a coffee enema. "A coffee enema is supposed to be detoxifying. It will help your liver." Gosh, Harry! You're so thoughtful. Draco has been hitting the bottle a lot since you turned him into a ferret, so well done, mate! And face it, teenaged wizards are all about a holistic approach to their health.

And what happens next is so terrible, I'm putting it in invisio (white) text. Hit CTRL + A if you want to know. And, remember this. When have I ever used invisio text? Exactly.



**********IT STARTS HERE IN CASE YOU HAVE A COLORED BACKGROUND**********

Harry slipped his tongue into Draco's thickly puckered opening. His lips formed as much of a seal around it as he could manage and then he began to swallow. One hand moved around the astonished giftee and encircled his responding length. Draco had no idea how in the world Harry expected him to "hold on" while he was doing that. The cunning boy realized that if he did release the coffee, not only would he have a very unhappy and doused lover, that delicious tongue would stop...doing... that.

The golden boy was swallowing as fast as he could, but the soiled coffee over flowed the corners of his lips and dribbled down to pool in the hollows of his collar bones. But Christmas was the time of giving, and Harry was giving this present his all, messiness be damned.

The hard-working brunet was glad that coffee was such a compelling taste that he wasn't made aware of what all else was coming down with it. The odd occasional chunk or seedy bit of something gushing over his tongue was on the cusp of making him gag, but instead he concentrated on what Draco must be feeling.


**********IT ENDED HERE IN CASE YOU HAVE A COLORED BACKGROUND************


AY, NO ME PINCHE GUSTA!!. Guys, I find this worse than "Two Girls 1 Cup." <-- And that was when I realized I actually have SOME kind of barrier, after all. Why did this author ruin COFFEE?? *cries* (note: if you do not know what "2 Girls 1 Cup" is, do not google. I AM NOT JOKING. Don't do it to yourself. My husband actually hurled. ACK.)

If there's one thing to take away from this, it's that you do NOT want Harry as your Secret Santa. Christ, I'd prefer one of Uncle Vernon's socks.





And now for something (else that is) completely different. *more nude organing, heh*

  • Hungrily, Gregory chewed at my mouth Cannibal alert! Or just a really bad kisser. Or possibly Gregory needs a burger or a smoothie.
  • "Let's go to bed... together." Gregory whispered. Thank god. I thought you were going to ask me to bunk down with your Grandma in the other room. (She poots in bed, and it smells of cabbage.)
  • his life giving seed deep within the darkest alcoves of his ripened testicles Purple alert! That's so purple it's ultra-violet. Let me see if I can duplicate that: "my hungry food hole bathed his man rod with juicining lube scented with the most delicate of strawberries. 'Ungh,' he said in return."
  • His legs twitched... his abdomen hurled. ...hurled? You're doing it wrong. Or, you really need a bath. I'm just saying.
  • Ever so slowly, Gregory tucked his penis inside my humid bowels... TUCKED? LOLOLOLOL. "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard." Goodbye, horses! I'm crying over you. Ever so slowly. [/Jame Gumb]
  • I was stunned at that moment... so amazed that a man was actually mating with me. With the way you talk? Me, too.
  • “So deep… inside. God, Brian… I can feel you.” Well, I certainly hope so; you've got your dick up his virgin ass. I'd question that "it's my first time" thing if you *couldn't* feel him.
  • I wanted every anal fiber to lovingly caress that penis so that it would give me it’s warm reward. It's not enough that you have to abuse my brain with this crap, you have to add insult to injury with that unnecessary apostrophe? Also, ANAL FIBER. It's Metamucil's failed flavor.



LOL!! "You're gonna be a real man now... a real gay man." he said, skillfully pounding against my trembling ass. "Oh, Gregory... I'm gay... so gay... You made me gay." I replied with a whisper.

Now I'm singing that song from Pulp Fiction: "Girl... {neer neer neer neer!} you'll be a gay man.... soon!"



And lastly, in the "Wait, What?!" Category:
“Do you want to be inside my ass, Brian?” He silently asked.

...silently asked? Either he's AMAZING with communicating with his eyes, or you meant something else. Also, hell of a come on, Brohan! I'll try that at the bar this weekend. And use the name Brian, regardless.

More LOL!!!

naturally, his asshole graciously welcomed my virgin cock into the insides of his being. I cried out in shock at first, feeling myself gradually sinking all the way in.

“Your first ass, Brian. Think about it.” cooed Gregory in his loving voice.


Wait, do you want me to think about it, or do it? Only so much blood in a man's body, Gregory. Also, that's some deep dicking if it's gone into his SOUL. Lol.


THERE IS NO WAY THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN (as claimed):
  • “Oh my Brian.” panted Gregory. “Your cock is where it belongs.” At the State Fair. You worked so hard breeding the perfect rooster, and it's time for you to win that blue ribbon once and for all! Then you and Aunt Margene with her prize winning pear preserves will be the pride of the family! Wait, that's not what they meant, huh?
  • “I feel the cumm! Oooohh, Brian… you’re doing it!” Gregory screamed Is he mentally challenged? Is this some weird kind of transition program to The Big World? Gold Sticker for Brian, every one! He's doing it! *rounds of applause*
  • Gregory and I lied together on the steps of the pool "I've never cried." "Oh, yeah? I've never called a girl a bad name." "I love my mother whole-heartedly." "I love my dad exactly as he is, wouldn't change a thing!" (It's subtle.)







And lastly, really hilarious summaries for bad porn.

  • Lois learns deep throat & how to pee.
  • naughty peeing at work (The title? "Pissing in the Office" I ASK YOU.)
  • Lost in their arm(pit)s in extreme excitement
  • A man loves four women...one of them with chocolate cake (But who wouldn't love a woman with chocolate cake? Who doesn't like cake? IT'S CAKE! Side note, when I was working at a comedy club, they had an EXTENSIVE porn collection in the green room. One of them? "Asses *on* Cake." ??? )
  • His Mistress takes it to the next level. (this one goes to 11.)
  • He's dressed as Mrs. Clause for Christmas party (Fortunately, she dressed as Mr. Conjunction. So they could get together, badumbumCHING!)
  • He's footjob crazy! He's footjob mad! (this sounds like a chorus on a rap song. Just me?)
  • Consider Dulen as a Cat Player (...I'm going to need more to go on. Where does Dulen see him/herself in five years? What are his/her weakest attributes? Does s/he consider him/herself a team player? Also, what the hell is a Cat Player and who is Dulen?)
  • You shall be a Slut for the Earth!
  • He finds that vegetable life has designs on him (Okay, now these people are just fucking with me. WHAT? When did carrots become architects? Or celery become the latest It Boy in fashion? Can Celery be fierce?)




And my personal favorite, Horses, Gypsies, Strange woman in top hat. This could be ANYTHING! *shakes tamborine, cues Uncle Milosh to start up the accordion*

"Gadjé, leesten to my tale...." * mandolin strum *

Off topic: Does the world really need me to write a Spike-Andrew-Angel fic where they play Guitar Hero? I've had one rattling in my head for days. (Is that the most Mary Sue thing ever? Hmm.)

Comments

( 102 comments — Leave a comment )
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wolfshark
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
Why did I highlight it? Why?

*bleaches brain desperately*
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:12 pm (UTC)
I WARNED YOU!!! ACK ACK ACK!!!!!

*cuddles you* Shhhh. Think of fluffy lamb cavorting in a field of daisies...
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entrenous88
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:15 pm (UTC)
Does the world really need me to write a Spike-Andrew-Angel fic where they play Guitar Hero?

YES!

~EntreNous, representative for the needs of the world
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:16 pm (UTC)
HOORAY! Well, that's all the encouragement I need! Heeeeeeee.

<3 <3 <3
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jenncho
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:19 pm (UTC)
I'm literally CRYING at work. I am so glad there is no one else here right now. IS. DEAD.

personal favorite:
"Take the young lady to my quarter." But don't let her enter my penny, it's a frightful mess.

Soooo so funny.
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:27 pm (UTC)
It never ceases to amaze me what I'll found out there in binary land....
spuffyduds
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
I was snickering along gently until I got to "put down the branding iron, Wendy," and then I just *(&#%ING LOST IT.

Also. The white text. Oh my GOD. So...that part is called the "giftee?" I never knew that.

And: And lastly, in the "Wait, What?!" Category:
“Do you want to be inside my ass, Brian?” He silently asked.

...silently asked? Either he's AMAZING with communicating with his eyes, or you meant something else.



Well, OBVIOUSLY, he's holding up signs. Like in that old Dylan video.

"Do you want to be inside my ass, Brian?" (sign toss)
"The sun isn't yellow, it's chicken," (sign toss)
"Come on down to my basement with the revolutionaries" (sign toss)
"Because my giftee really needs lickin'."

stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, the Bob Dylan video! (And then INXS aped it, too!) Heeeeeee.
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drusplace
Mar. 4th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
I REALLY shouldn't read these at work. I had to let the phone ring a few times before I could compose myself enough to answer it!

"But what about Peter Pan porn, you might be wondering?" Well who WASN'T wondering about Peter Pan porn? The alliteration alone is awesome! I almost spit yogurt everywhere reading that part.

And all I can say is thank goodness I had finished my coffee BEFORE the white part. That would have been messy....
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you had your coffee first, too. Otherwise, a perfectly good cup of coffee would have gone wasted, and *that* I cannot allow!!
darlas_mom
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
::weeps:: WHY DID I LOOK?! WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY STOP ME?! DEAR LORD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME???

You rock like a rocking thing, but I can never eat again.
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
I DON'T KNOW! I made it hard on you and everything! (He forsook you because he doesn't exist. Hahaha.)

My bad!fic diet plan seems to be working!
southernbangel
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
I HAVE FOUND MY LIMIT, GOOD SIR.

stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
DUDE. It's... it's not the worst thing I've seen/read, but IT IS UP THERE.
halfmoon_mollie
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
This should come with a warning - Do Not Read At Work because you made me laugh. A lot!

I'd be happy to send you some MORE snow.
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
No!! Keep your snow!! Remember how I said it was 80 on Saturday? I like it HOOOOOOOOOT. I am that "some," yes.

*shivers*
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copykween
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
This weather is frakkin' CRAZY! It was 80 during the day Sunday, plummeting to mid 30's with high wind and tornado warnings in the evening. We only had a very very light peppering of snow, no accumulation, but it's still chilly.
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
North of the Metroplex, we got LOADS. I think Denton county got 5 inches, or soemthing crazy like that. NO ME GUSTA. I want to put in veggies and watch the peaches grow on my trees now. NO MORE COLD!!
aimeelicious
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
Dude. I gagged reading that, in fact I am still swallowing convulsively. OMG.
I have heard about 2 girls, 1 cup and as much as I am curious I can't do it. Heard hurling stories, and I am way too sensitive to such things (see above).

This was quite a collection of badness today. You have a gift for finding it. Bless you, you poor thing.

*sends cupcakes and unicorns*
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
*holds you closely, staring intently in your eyes*

Do not satisfy your curiousity re: 2 Girls 1 Cup. Do not. I have (almost) NO BOUNDRIES. None. Anything can be funny, I can tolerate lots in the sake of mocking, but that one... That was the first time I became ill.

Mmmm, cupcakes!! *sends you to planet unicorn*
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xsnarkasaurus
Mar. 4th, 2008 04:54 pm (UTC)
Wow, and here, I would have thought you would have stumbled across the story that you quoted in the white text long ago. I actually read it when it came out. and couldn't eat anything chocolate or drink coffee for a week. and even now, i'll occasionally randomly thik about it and gag (yes, my brain randomly fires on the badfic i've read)

~pets your poor brain~ at least you know there's a limit now?

Also, yu snorted lemonade through my nose at your commentary on "pouty cunt lips". Just thought you might like to know so that you were proud of yourself. :D
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
See, I normally don't read Harry/Draco... ever, so that's probably why. (Now, the literal mind-fuck fic with Lucius/Draco, I read that a few years ago. which... is probably why I don't go off flist on HP fic. *G*)

And the coffee fic isn't my limit, the 2 Girls 1 Cup film is. Which... what the hell is wrong with me!? I've said it for years: I'm broken inside.

(hahahaha, *PREENS!*)
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maybe1ce
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
You know, I thought I was such an innovator in the world of Bad Fanfic. I thought I knew it all. I was certain that I, little Maybe Once, was the Queen of Teh Bad. (Among other adventures in snarkitude, I started an April Fools Day challenge for deliberately poorly written Office (US) fic last year.) BUT, SWEET FANCY MOSES. I had no EFFING clue what "bad" really meant until I discovered your reviews. I am scared for the future of the world. And, I'm also hoping that They never come for your computer, because anyone looking through your web browsing history would summarily declare you to be One Sick Puppy.

I also hate not knowing stuff and am sitting on my hands to keep from Googling "2Girls1Cup." Did I learn nothing from my "tubgirl" experience?
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, darling. There is NO BOTTOM to the black pit of bad!fic, I've learned. Just when you think you've found the depths, the bottom falls right out. If I could get paid for doing this, I'd be a millionaire. :D

(Hahaha, my user name here for years was "Broken inside." I should change it to one sick puppy...)

*INTENT STARE* If you were disturbed by tubgirl, goatsee, that sort of thing, they are TAAAAAAAME in comparison. Please. Believe me. *bites lip*
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killerweasel
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:12 pm (UTC)
...

O_o

And I highlighted the coffee thing why? *brain twitches*

stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
I DO NOT KNOW!!! *passes the bleach*

How about some refreshing lemon water to cleanse your palate?
my_daroga
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
"THERE IS NO WAY THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN (as claimed)" reminds me of dialog (intentionally bad) from Wet Hot American Summer. Which, if you haven't seen, is a winner.
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
Pfft, Michael Ian Black and Jeneanne Garafolo in a movie together? They are my CRACK!
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 4th, 2008 05:39 pm (UTC)
I totally think you're right about a teenaged boy writing the Big Cock fics. It's so ridiculously over the top. And note to any males reading: the average woman is NOT INTERESTED in the size of your balls. Big balls hang in an unattractive way when you're old, which... eww.

Oh my gosh, I'm tempted to link you to the Peter Pan fic so you can read all 12 chapters! Um... I can't stop myself.
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( 102 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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