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Okay, so tonight is the premiere of Blood on the Highway and there will be press and a red carpet and celebrities and a Q&A afterward, and I know it's not a big deal, this isn't a Meryl Streep vehicle, but I'm FILLED with BUTTERFLIES and nervous in my tum, so I make jokes to ease the pain. Here is a pretend interview I wrote up with me being interviewed by James Lipton, the host of "Inside the Actor's Studio" as played by Will Ferrell. (Got that?)


James Lipton vs. Stoney

vs.

(Lynette looks something like this, but trashier)




JL: Once upon a time, the earth formed. An amoeba dared to crawl into the protoplasm and create offspring. Billions of years transpired; species rose to rule the earth and then died, new species came forth, evolved, obtained opposable thumbs, and eventually developed art. It was crude and rudimentary at first, giving way to greats such as Michelangelo, Shakespeare, and Flo of Alice fame. Languages, songs, sculpture and stage, all developed over billions of years, all to give us this. This majestic creature in press-on nails, this, dare I say, White Treasure (my God don't make no trash, madam), an earthy dame sent to teach us of the meaning of life, of justice... and of ourselves. Of our very souls.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest performer of all time, one who makes Meryl Streep appear to be nothing more than a chimpanzee in a fruit-topped hat chewing on bubble gum to appear as if speaking to us. I give you, Laura Stone.

[mild, confused applause]

Me: That's uh... that's some introduction.

JL: [to the audience] You need look no further to see acting performed at its height of genius than thirty-two minutes into the magnum that is... Blood on the Highway.

Me: I come in at twenty-one minutes.

JL: ...

JL: I'll have my researcher beaten to death. Now, watching this film made me re-examine my life, and I found it lacking. Lacking in vampires, in sex... and in truth. Tell me how you managed that. [chin on fists]

Me: I took the words on the page, and then I said them into the camera when they pointed at me.

JL: Marvelous. It's like I'm hearing language for the first time. I never knew it could be so complex. May I speak to Lynette?

Me: She's... not... rea- Um, I'm Lynette.

JL: Hello, my darling. Please, gift me with your hard-scrabble-life's wisdom, one of your carefree witticisms with a corn-bread, fried chicken finesse!

Me: I don't... you mean one of my lines?

JL: [laughing uproariously] Brilliant! It's like we are living inside the film right now! Tell me, Lynnette. Did your father work? Was he a layabout? Did he... beat you?

Me: At chess all the time.

JL: [falls off chair, holding his chest] I am so taken by you I can no longer move. I am completely immobile, like a tin soldier in need of lubricant. As a rabbit, caught in the headlights of a moving vehicle, and you, Lynette, you are that vehicle to which I gladly wish to slaughter me so that I may die with your name on my lips and your three inch nails embedded in my soul.

Me: [checks nails for signs of offal, aka James Lipton soul chunks]

JL: Tell me, what is a "poonanny?"

Me: I-I beg your pardon?

JL: You have a line in this opus, [stilted] "This town is locked up tighter than a five year old's poonanny." Tell me. What does this mean?!

Me: Their... treasure chest. [coughs]

JL: Magical. It's like the world of Harry Potter is real, but there is no school, there are no wizards, and there are no spells, except the one you have cast over me. I'd like to speak to Laura now, if you don't mind, Lynette.

Me: [still baffled] Al...right. Hey, there! [nervous wave]

JL: [takes her hands in his] I've missed you. You were offered this part, and did you take it immediately? Was there any deliberation?

Me: No, none at all. It's hilarious. The character, the movie... I mean, it's a low-budget flick, sure, but it's really, really funny. And offensive.

JL: As God is my witness, I will smite with a mighty sword those that cast down this movie as causing any offense, for how can beauty of such magnitude cause offense to a God that made it? Is there any Lynette in you?

Me: Oh, god, no. Except for how much of a whore she is. We have that in common.

JL: [wiping tears of mirth] Marvelous. Simply breathtaking. Grace Kelly comes to mind. Explain why that could be.

Me: Because I based Lynette on a combination of Jerry Blank, Grace Kelly and Princess Diana.

JL: I can completely and utterly see the transcendence of all of those heavenly beings becoming one, like a completely non-sexual menage a trois. Or hybrid.

Me: Lynette would like to think that first one was it.

JL: As always, I like to conclude my interviews with questions crafted by the great philosopher Bernard Pivotturnkeek. What sound or noise do you love?

Me: Utter and complete silence.

JL: Ah. And that is when the truth comes. Masterful. What job or profession that you do not currently belong to would you love to try?

Me: A Kept Woman.

JL: I am not alone in saying that there are men who would line up twelve deep to offer that position to you. And which would you least like to try?

Me: Being your Kept Woman.

JL: Aha ha ha. Ahem. Yes. Well. Finally, upon reaching heaven in the next life, what would you like to hear God say to you?

Me: "Surprise, I'm real! And you can still get in."

JL: Is there any one person that you would most like to thank for your being the massive success that you've become?

Me: Yes, Billy Graham, for helping me walk.

JL: You couldn't walk?

Me: Well, yes, I could, he just helped me walk faster.

JL: As Plato to Aristotle, so have you taught me of the complexities of the human mind; its wants, its needs, and how we humans can benefit one another; how we can lift each other up to a height of genius and creation and artistry never before reached, or even dreamed. You and your movie of vampires. of loose women and foolish men. You have taught me that. [pause to bite lip] The words 'thank you' seems meaningless, next to that gift... But as I am a mere mortal, it's all I have. And so, thank you.

Me: Uh... you are most welcome. There were sub sandwiches in the green room, right? [zooms]

*****

Ah, it's fun to pretend. Like how we all get interviewed by Jon Stewart and possibly Oprah while showering. :D Wish me luck! (I'll be in and out sporadically today) ZOMG, pray I don't fall off my 4 inch heels! No, PRAY THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS!! Next post, re-cap and pics! (And thank you to all of the solidarity in the last post! One day, ladies. We'll take over and get them to DESIGN FOR WOMEN again!)

Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
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fitofpique
Mar. 28th, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
I am so taken by you I can no longer move. I am completely immobile, like a tin soldier in need of lubricant.

HEEEEE.

Magical. It's like the world of Harry Potter is real, but there is no school, there are no wizards, and there are no spells, except the one you have cast over me.

Stoney, I can't stop laughing! This is hilarious! Good luck tonight! I'm sure you will be a huge hit!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
\o/

OMG MY STOMACH IS IN KNOTS, PIQUE. *climbs into your lap for soothings*
stephanierb
Mar. 28th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)

*giggles* Poonanny *giggles some more*

Good luck tonight, and have a fabulous time!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you thank you!!!
southernbangel
Mar. 28th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
It's like the world of Harry Potter is real, but there is no school, there are no wizards, and there are no spells, except the one you have cast over me.

Ahahahaha!! Good luck tonight, sweetheart! Did you get that dress? You are going to look STUNNING tonight and people will blow you be blown away by your hotness. AND YOU'RE WALKING A RED CARPET. \O/

If you're not too tired tomorrow, I'll give you a call and you can fill me crazy fangirls deets.

<3 <3 <3
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
I DID. It's *AWESOME.* Also, ILU LEE. Yes, yes, phonage tomorrow, most definitely!

(Hahahaha, NB's room is on MY FLOOR. I'm fully prepared for the weirdness.)
aimeelicious
Mar. 28th, 2008 03:53 pm (UTC)
Haha, James Lipton is so mockable, really. Nice work here. Have fun, enjoy the red carpet!!! *hugs*
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:29 pm (UTC)
Isn't he an ass? I love it. (I used to do him in my celeb RPG.)<-- best times ever.

THANK YOU!! *hugs you back*
brunettepet
Mar. 28th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
That was hilarious! Will as JL is so earnestly creeptastic. I love you being baffled by his over the top praise and worship.

Have fun tonight!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:29 pm (UTC)
What's hilarious is if you google actual transcripts from his show. The one with Johnny Depp is HILARIOUS. He really does talk that way!

Thank you, I hope to!
fiveandfour
Mar. 28th, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
Have a great time tonight. And my your butterflies fly in formation (as the Toastmasters say).
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA, that's awesome. Thank you!
redbrickrose
Mar. 28th, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC)
Heee! This is awesome.

I hope it goes well tonight!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
Hahah, thanks!

I hope so, too! *squishes you to bits*
harmonyfb
Mar. 28th, 2008 04:15 pm (UTC)
Go, Stoney! ::shakes pom-poms::

Just remember: If you get nervous, imagine the interviewer reading bad pron. Imagine the face they'd make after stumbling on Care Bear badfic. Then smile serenely, secure in the knowledge that you alone could weather the storm of anatomically incorrect porn.
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
BWAH HA HA HA! Awesome. I will do JUST THAT!! :D
chantal87
Mar. 28th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
You so crazy !!!...

I'm sure it will go fabulous tonight.
I'll be rooting for you.
*hearts you hard*
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, Jerri. She really was the inspiration behind the character. I LOVE HER. AND YOU!
elfgirl
Mar. 28th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
HEE.

::twirls you::

<3
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
*clings for dear life, zomg!!*

<3 <3 <3
marenfic
Mar. 28th, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
Whee! These are the good butterflies, Stoney. I hope you have the time of your life tonight. Give your costar a good night hug with extra boob for me ;)

"Surprise, I'm real! And you can still get in."

Ha! I think I'm most likely to hear "You shouldn't have called praying "sending a shout-out to my dawg, Jesus."

Except that I sort of like to think of Jesus being like B-Rad Gluckman in that wonderful opus, Malibu's Most Wanted.
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
I plan on quoting a lot of Nietzsche as inspiration for this movie. And especially for my character. I think a combo of his philosophy and Golda Meir's giving way is the best description for my trailer whore. :D

ILU MAREN. <3 <3 <3 (Expect a phone call of freak-outness.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
HEEE!! \o/

I'm so excited, Anne!! I'll fill you in on all the goodies! (Um, NB is on my floor in the hotel. Just so you know. O_O)
fishsanwitt
Mar. 28th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
Enjoy your 'red carpet' time!!!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
I hope so!! *makes a vow to not puke*
poshcat
Mar. 28th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
I will pray like mad for you, Stoney. I will stop being an atheist just so I can pray for you and your heels and the audience.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
Pray to a non-existant magical being that will stop caring about starvation, rape, and war and CHANNEL ALL OF HIS/HER/ITS ENERGY INTO MY NIGHT BEING AWESOME. That seems fair. :D

Hahaha! ILU POSH!! *squish*
abusing_sarcasm
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)

JL: Ah. And that is when the truth comes. Masterful. What job or profession that you do not currently belong to would you love to try?

Me: A Kept Woman.

JL: I am not alone in saying that there are men who would line up twelve deep to offer that position to you. And which would you least like to try?

Me: Being your Kept Woman.


So. Much. Win.

Enjoy your spotlight time!!!

P.S. I just lost to you at the R/Hr awards, and it makes me love you more. I think I'm a masochist for you...
stoney321
Mar. 28th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC)
Whoa, what?! I won?! Holy crap!

I will gladly be your dom, m'lady! *cracks the whip, but in a sexy way* :D
... - abusing_sarcasm - Mar. 28th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Mar. 28th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 49 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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