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If you need to blame someone, start with chantal87 who pointed out the bad fic. Unintentional bad fic. Spuffy AU (which isn't a bad thing) where the metaphors and similies come cheap. crazydiamondsue and I have been spamming each other's e-mail with laughter, and now I BRING IT TO YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Stoney's

  • "his cock wept." Boo hoo! I need pussy!

  • "their orgasmic waves of pleasure started off on a high note and continued on an ascending scale." until they had to make those additional slash mark thingies and eventually fell off the page.

  • "her orgasm was like a thief in the night, robbing her of hers." 'hers' is a code name for expensive bags. The robber is robbing her of her expensive bag.

  • "he crashed on the beach of his senses." someone told her to use more metaphors. They should use semaphores next time.

  • "his lips felt like cotton balls" I have no words for this. WTF does this even mean?? However, it could come in handy if one of them is a sloppy kisser.

  • "her body shook without permission" Wait for it............Shake!

  • "pussy bone" *falls down laughing. Owwwwwww-CHUH!*

  • "he kept eating while her essence glazed his face like a hot baked cinnamon bun" from Cinna*bon, but he liked the orange glazed ones best, so he had to make do. Next time he'll specify she uses the monkey bread poon-spray

  • "he felt like he was having a seizure" so she pulled him out and shoved a leather wallet into his mouth to keep him from choking on his own tongue. "Thanks for ruining the moment, dipshit!"

  • "cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's

  • "her cleavage reminded him of the perfect butt crack on a heart shaped ass" which was weird because her butt crack reminded him of the perfect cleavage on an hourglass body with uni-boob.

  • "placing a hickey on the tip of her tongue" how is this even possible? When does a hickey just turn into a bruise?

  • "whipped his cock out like a Ninja sword" Su! Kurio! Me dow chung go! Si! And with one fluid movement, he cut her head off her body with his Ninja sword-cock and fucked her throat hole. The End




Sue's List

  • He walked passed her, smelling like an ashtray and expensive cologne. It was intoxicating. Okay, I like the smell of fresh cigarette smoke. Cigarette smoke that clings to clothing smells like ass. A fucking ashtray smells like day old ass.
  • *Stoney adds: It smells like cat food and ass in here!*
  • There was always some lucky man or woman on his arm. It was clear to her he was bisexual. Gee. She's sharp.

  • "Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Take your pick." I think I need drugs right now.

  • Later, he realized he already had them. I've already had you...I've already had you - you're like my ex-girlfriend and the blow job I had before that.

  • Her lips looked liked shinny [sic] red candle apples I made a candle out of an apple once at camp. It was shinny.

  • She wanted a little spice. Well then buy some marjoram, but leave skanky bisexual bar whores alone, Elizabeth!
  • *Stoney adds: Marjoram? Not Cumin?*
  • Masturbation would never go out of style she thought. Have you heard about the latest style? You put your finger against your clit and you...too much?

  • The gorgeous blonde lived in the good part of town. She knew this because one of her college girlfriends, Faith, lived in the same condos. The lack of rats and street urchins was also a tip-off.

  • Spike licked her pussy like a lollipop That's a funny shaped pussy. Also, I thought he was William????

  • She felt another orgasm wash over her. She forgot to tell us about the first one. Unless it was the trail of liquid that ran down her legs...ewww.
  • *Stoney adds: that was the WASHING, Sue*
  • She was glad she came. No pun intended she thought with a smile. Oh, that was intentional, don't try to fuck with us.

  • He kissed her. She accepted his tongue without hesitation. Well, considering he's already gone down on her and brought her to orgasm twice (??) and she's been riding his cock, a little first base shouldn't be too much to ask.

  • The came together, dedicating their orgasms to each other. This orgasm goes out to an old friend of mine, wherever she is, I want her to know I'm thinking of her. So, Casey, could you please play "You're the Inspiration".....

  • Getting stale cum out of clothes was like getting gum out of hair. Um, not really. One you can throw in the washer and the other requires scissors....
  • *Stoney: Whatever Sue. you have NOT fucked this wildcat. His cum IS glue.
  • He had awakened with at few dogs in his time but she was even hotter. Hotter than a dog? Ooh, you turn my head with your sweet talk.

  • ...one of the heels of her come-fuck-me pumps was broken. Third mention. We fucking get it. She had on shoes that just ask to be fucked. Get. Over. It.

  • The words "no repeat performances" were like a nat in his ear. Nat King Cole? Nat Turner? Nat Stuckey?

  • The bloke he picked up was a petite fellow. He talked too much and it was obvious he was a bottom. Short. Check. Talks too much. Check. Hey guys, I'm a bottom!

  • He was never gentle when he fucked a man. There was no need to be. He just wanted to hit and quit it. ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it! Mom, he's hitting me!"

  • He needed to vomit. The ecstasy didn't mix well with the alcohol. Which is why you're supposed to drink lots of water...damn it, didn't you see the ecstasy episode of 90210???

  • The warmth that radiated from his body endorsed her womanhood. Okay, I have no quip for this one. Just...WTF?
  • *Stoney: On a cold winter's night, I like to warm up with Womanhood Warmth ™. It has Stoney's approval!*
  • Her nipples screamed hallelujah. HA-llelujah! HA-llelujah! Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Ha-LAY-loo-yah!
  • *Stoney: Funny, my nipples whisper Figaro. Huh.*
  • She wet hers lips like she was preparing for the dick sucking Olympics. Eh. The Russian judge isn't convinced.
  • *Stoney: But look at the Greek judge! He's waving his country's flag!*
  • William had her coming and going so many times; her womb felt like a parade of contractions marched through it. Again - just. can't. make. it. funnier.



I love you all. I bring you laughter to share the glowing, radiating heat of my womanhoo- love. Thank god for funny people. Sue, I owe you cheesecake.

Comments

( 135 comments — Leave a comment )
Page 1 of 3
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cityphonelines
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:46 pm (UTC)
See, you guys are autistic. This simulitaneously saved me from the bad!fic!Spuffy and provided highlights from the game.
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:49 pm (UTC)
Rocking you like a hurricane!! This is Klaus Miener, and Rudolph Shanker, Still Loving You, Vinnie!!

There isn't enough money to pay for the therapy I need.
violethamster
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:50 pm (UTC)
I am shoving a leather wallet in my mouth to keep from choking on my own tongue. Also, this has ruined Cinnabons and Campbell's soup for me forever.

stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:52 pm (UTC)
instead of Campbell's Cream of Cum, you'll have to order Chinese take out and get cream of sum yun gai.

I KILL me. You'll have to read the fic now. Too.. much.. funny....
ex_dovil323
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:54 pm (UTC)
BWAH HA HA HA HA!! I have internal organs ruptured from the laughter. Not ruptured from the orgasmic contractions which sing Britney Spears as my cervix is hit with bullets of cum though, thank goodness, because that would be crazy talk. Just much, much laughter.

This killed me:

"cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:59 pm (UTC)
Cream of Cum: strangely, is not cream tasting. It's more like a handful of nickles.

(for my NZ friend: hold a bunch of coins in your hand, sweat, then sniff your palm. YUM-MEE!)

I want cum to hit my cervix like a bullet and actually make the "p-ting!" whizzing sound.
... - ex_dovil323 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 19th, 2004 02:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
inlovewithnight
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC)
Oh god. Dead again. Your journal needs a warning label. "May cause convulsions, choking, and DEATH."

Please don't stop. Which I'm sure is also a quote from the fic...
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:00 pm (UTC)
Which I'm sure is also a quote from the fic...

One, two, three... About six times, so far. At least there are no mentions of "Oh, God... I'm cummmmmmming!" Or UNF UNF UNF. This author really took some time to cram as many similies and metaphors in there as possible.

I think of Oz: You've really mastered the single entendre.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:06 pm (UTC)
lml ^_^ lml ( <----- rocker hands)
I want that novely tee.
Our CC (I like to abrevi) will involve chicken blood, alcohol, and Cream of Cum. Condensed.

I heart you.

Thursday!!!!
(Deleted comment)
Re: lml ^_^ lml ( <----- rocker hands) - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Re: lml ^_^ lml ( <----- rocker hands) - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:15 pm (UTC)
Re: roflamao!!
Baby, you can show this to anyone who cares about the sputterings that come out of my mouth.

(A lot of people on my flist have had a rough time of it lately, so I'm all about the fun stuff. Come here to be entertained, or at the very least to point at me and feel better about you! Hee!)
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Re: roflamao!! - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Re: roflamao!! - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
southernbangel
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:15 pm (UTC)
Can't breathe now I'm laughing so hard. I've even managed to wake up my boyfriend who was down the hall sleeping. With the door shut. With our extremely loud fan running.

Good show, ladies.

She wet hers lips like she was preparing for the dick sucking Olympics.

Dude, when are *these* Olympics??

her cleavage reminded him of the perfect butt crack on a heart shaped ass

What. the. fuck?

Cream of cum?!? *snorts*
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:16 pm (UTC)
Now you have to read the fic and laugh some more. We aren't even TAPPING the gold in this one. Brilliant stuff. Unintentionally.
marlo
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:32 pm (UTC)
You. Rock.

Did you read the whole thing, start to finish? Euuugh. I couldn't get past the first chapter, and even then I was reading it just to bone up on the MST I was about to read.
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:37 pm (UTC)
I bailed after 5. My eyes hurt....

Marlo!!! You have to go here: http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/gangsta_rap_se You alone on my flist will appreciate the laughter of rapping Jedi, and Obi Wan throwing up gang signs...
ROFLMAO - marlo - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ROFLMAO - marlo - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ROFLMAO - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
likeadeuce
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:36 pm (UTC)
I really don't have anything new to say about the fic. I mean, how do you beat a parade of contractions marching through a womb. (and, um, this is a good thing?)

I just wanted to show off the icon I got over at thedailyshow. Hey crazydiamondsue, how'sabout if I tape Jon's opening monologue tonight and throw it on your "Angel" tape? should make a nice little breather between "Shells" and "Underneath" (as opposed to the SIX BLOODY WEEKS we had to wait when they originally aired)>
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:38 pm (UTC)
Dear. God. Love the icon. love Jon Stewart. Body is popping out eggs waiting for his sperm to make perfect, short little children filled with wit...
filled with? - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: filled with? - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
arrest THIS development - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: arrest THIS development - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: arrest THIS development - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
corksoakers - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: corksoakers - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
running out of icons - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Laughing on stage - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
"and your show will still blow" - likeadeuce - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikefan - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
ladywenham
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:37 pm (UTC)
My gosh. That fic HAS to be a joke. Please tell me it's a joke. ::whimpers in fear::
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:40 pm (UTC)
It isn't. Thus the hilarity spilling over into LJ land.

This: http://www.livejournal.com/users/stoney321/29135.html is a joke brought about by one of the funniest people on LJ, Dovil.

Check out her journal for the Ha Ha's on a regular basis.
... - ladywenham - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
spikefan
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:45 pm (UTC)
ACK! This verges on Bad Hemingway Contest territory, only it's not as bad...or good, take your pick. The fact that it is apparently unintentional makes it an even bigger howler. I appreciate your quoting the highlights as I had to leave while the lusty couple were still in the foyer. You partially quoted one of my favorites, due to the potent and heady combination of dreadful simile, Bad Hemingwayness and hilarious misspelling:

Her lips looked liked shinny red candle apples. He pictured them wrapped around his dick.

*cough, splutter* I will never look at candied apples (or candle apples, for that matter) the same way again. A candied apple wrapped around...hey, it's Spike on a Stick!

Ow. Sore muscles from laughing too hard.
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC)
My particular fave, that is coming in a Wee!Spike fic soon, is "they roamed each other's bodies like nomads."
... - spikefan - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikefan - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
kumi
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:52 pm (UTC)
LMAO! OMG, my stomach hurts!
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 09:53 pm (UTC)
Hey!! Howya been?

We'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waiter, and try the veal.
... - kumi - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - kumi - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
likeadeuce
Oct. 18th, 2004 10:01 pm (UTC)
hey the man's on! go watch!

jennice
Oct. 18th, 2004 10:07 pm (UTC)
OMDFG I almost wet myself from laughing so hard. I don't think I could actually make myself read the fic itself though. I'm still wondering how you get a lollipop shaped pussy and how do you get your womanhood endorsed exactly? I guess it's a good thing her nipples weren't singing swing low...
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 10:09 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the party! I'm looking in my specialty store for Cream of Cum.

Be sure to catch Sue's comments above. She found even more... That girl...
kita0610
Oct. 18th, 2004 10:16 pm (UTC)
I have no words. They've been swallowed, along with my own tongue from laughing. Jumping Jesus this was good shit. Thank you.

Also, "express your love in dance" needs to be an icon. Preferably with puppet Angel and Spike.
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2004 10:20 pm (UTC)
I need to find a pic of Angel with his eyes half-lidded... sultry even, and some way to convey the lust filled whisper: dance for me.

I can't believe I'm writing Wee!Spike. But I love heeeem!!!!

Sue and I are evil together. But with a fresh, pine scent.
... - kita0610 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Mmm. Boys kissing. - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Mmm. Boys kissing. - kita0610 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Mmm. Boys kissing. - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Mmm. Boys kissing. - kita0610 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Mmm. Boys kissing. - stoney321 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Mmm. Boys kissing. - kita0610 - Oct. 18th, 2004 10:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 135 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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