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You can't make this stuff up.

I just got back from the grocery store.  As I was loading the back of my vehicle, a guy on a bike wearing a white shirt, tie, and dress pants approached offering to help.  I smirked, (I only had two jugs of milk.  Um, I got it, Slick.) and said, "No, thanks."

Thick Utah Accent: Ma'am?  Can I share something with you that has left my life blessed?
Me: (more smiling) No, I know you're Mormon, though.
TUA: Really?  How's that?
Me: My family's Mormon.
TUA: And you're not?
Me: Not anymore, nope.
TUA: Can I ask you why?
Me: (checking my watch.  5 minutes until the kids get home. wondering if I can explain "because it's all made up? Because the founder was a liar and pedophile? Because I'm anti-cult?" and still get out of there in time for the kids.)  No, but you have a great day!  (shuts door)
TUA: (sad face)  But-

...I actually have a printed off copy of my manuscript in my car right now.  Do you know how tempting it was to hand it over to him, a big goofy picture of two other missionaries beaming back?  Time was my enemy today, folks.

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
thebratqueen
May. 15th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
o/~ When you see a white guy
On a bike with a tie
That's a Mormon...o/~
stoney321
May. 15th, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
*squeezes accordion*

Thaaaaaaaat's a Mormon!
fireicedeath
Mar. 23rd, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
Wow...that was great.
bitchygrrl
May. 15th, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
Oh how I wish you'd had time.
stoney321
May. 15th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)
YOU AND ME BOTH.
tabaqui
May. 15th, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
Ha.
I once had a rather long convo through my screen door with Traveling Mormons. We talked about paganism and the goddess and such, and i said *about the whole 'you have to be initiated the right way to get into the temple proper' business*...'what's with all the secrets? no belief system can be good if it has all these secrets'.

They seemed intrigued, but that could be chalked up to the fact that i was wearing a rather oddly-dryer-warped caftan thingy that flashed them a few times as i gesticulated. I was unaware of the flashing! Heh.

And i had a question....why the driving need to get people like Hitler into heaven? It's weird - aren't even *Mormons* happy to let him rot in...wherever he's rotting?
stoney321
May. 15th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
I'm sure they were equally excited to be talking to someone, period! Think of how many doors get shut in their faces. You explained things of logic to them, THEN shut the door. :D

I thought I'd addressed that? It's a coup for them: see? our plan of salvation works! If Hitler can get it, why shouldn't you? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
tabaqui
May. 15th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
Heeee!
It's true. If i have time, i don't mind talking. I'm not ever gonna be 'swayed' and i don't get all defensive or nasty. It's kind of fun.

And...um. Really? *REALLY*?
Jayzus fucking Christ on a stick. I guess i'll just burn some sage and declare that i got Ghandi, Pasteur, and Katie Hepburn. I win!
dovil
May. 15th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
This would have been an amusing anecdote except for where you missed out that you backed over him and are now running from the law.

Why must you kill?

I always found with door knockers that it was simple just to say that I was a Roman Catholic - my brainwashing was equal to their brainwashing which meant an impenetrable impass. And then I'd throw acid at their faces and pretend it was holy water.
pluckygirl
May. 16th, 2008 01:57 am (UTC)
I'm sorry but I just fell a little in love with you for that comment. Mostly the acid/holy water thing. :)
brunettepet
May. 15th, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
Oh how I wish you'd had fifteen minutes!

Just back from the Post Office where the woman in front of me buying stamps asked "How many 1 cent stamps can I get for a dollar?" I would have sold her 50 and pocketed a stupid tax...
sweetumms33
May. 15th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
Oh wow. Heh, he was probably amazed that you spoke to him so calmly

My family is Hindu, and one day my grandmother opened the front door to Mormons. They kept talking, and while she could understand English, she wasn't very fluent in speaking. But she felt it would be rude to shut the door. She finally got frustrated and said "My Rama (a Hindu God) is your Jesus!" and shut the door. I'm always tempted to do that now.
copykween
May. 15th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
Aww, I really wish you'd had some extra time.

But, seriously, what a creepy method of approach! Hello, ma'am, don't mind me! I'll just be standing behind you like a serial killer!
graylor
May. 15th, 2008 10:22 pm (UTC)
I thought male missionaries weren't supposed to accost, er, converse with, women? The guys who keep visiting my sister always go away when she tells them her husband isn't home. It's different in public rather than in homes, I guess?

Mormon missionaries have never come to my door. If I didn't know better, I'd say they compared notes with the Jehovah's Witnesses who once had a close encounter with snarky logic (courtesy of my big brother) and decided agnosticism might be catching.
sublate
May. 16th, 2008 12:43 am (UTC)
I thought male missionaries weren't supposed to accost, er, converse with, women? The guys who keep visiting my sister always go away when she tells them her husband isn't home. It's different in public rather than in homes, I guess?

They can converse with women all they want. They just can't be alone with a woman, sort of like she's going to turn into a succubus.

They probably go away cause they're respecting his property, er, I mean his role as the head of household. They know that if they target the husband, the rest of the family tends to follow. But if they target the wife, he may get upset and forbid her from talking to them and they'll get a reputation of breaking up a family. OTOH, female missionaries have more of an avenue to talk and be friends with the wife that isn't as threatening to the husband.
maybe1ce
May. 16th, 2008 01:27 pm (UTC)
A lot of secular sales companies also have this policy. It's based on liability more than anything -- nobody wants an "Elder Blake is fondling the housewives" lawsuit. Huh. I wonder if you could get rid of them by acting like you think every man who speaks to you is propositioning you. Add a few side mentions of your litigious nature and angry-but-absent husband and they are pedaling away as fast as their little polyester-clad legs can take them!
nwhepcat
May. 15th, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
He actually asked you how you could tell he was a Mormon?

Um...cause I'm not blind? Um, cause you have a white shirt and dress pants and your first name is Elder?

I wave at them very cheerfully when I see them walking along the road in pairs when I'm in a car, but maybe that's because they can't try to talk to me. I have to confess, I have a couple of friends, sisters, who are some of the first people in Wisconsin who were friendly to me, who are Mormon. Because of them, I had to stop joking that Wisconsin is so insular it's like Utah with beer.
lynnenne
May. 16th, 2008 02:25 am (UTC)
Hahahahahaha. You should follow them door-to-door with your own pamphelts, introducing yourself with the words, "Can I share something with you that has left my life forever?"
maybe1ce
May. 16th, 2008 01:21 pm (UTC)
Just look him in the eye and say "Because I know the Book of Mormon is Not True."

I'm kind of live-and-let-live about most things....just because I think your doctrine is nutty doesn't give me the right to give you a hard time. I'm sure I believe a lot of stuff you think is nutty, too. HOWEVER, I also hate-hate-HATE aggressive salespeople, whether they are peddling used cars, Melaleuca shampoo, or salvation. So, my religious tolerance goes on holiday when you knock on my door. Also: when you rape a 13 year old and call it holy. I'm wacky like that.

When I was a whippersnapper with time on my hands, I'd volunteer to answer the door when missionaries came to call (usually Jehovah's Witnesses where I lived at the time) and I'd be there with a giddy, excited smile, ready to try to win them over to the ways of Radical Lesbian Separatism. It got them off the front porch faster than a "no, thank you" ever did. It's harder to sell that line now with the three kids climbing all over me, but it was fun while it lasted.
entrenous88
May. 16th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Now you know what's going to happen.

That discouraged Mormon kid is going to have to go have comfort sexytimes with his mission partner!
kseenaa
May. 18th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
Darn... :-P
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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