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About that zombie meme...

Guys, I'm seriously worried about your chances for survival, given some of the weapon choices y'all are making. And let's face it: if you don't survive, I'll have to kill you. There's just no other way around this.

Guns are bad. You have to make a head shot EVERY TIME. That's nigh on impossible, unless you're sniper-trained. You aren't, are you? You need something can can separate a head from the body. Machete, samurai sword, or my preferred weapon, the tree limb lopper. It gives you all important distance, you see. Up to 25 feet in most cases. Distance = YOU KEEP LIVING, BRAINS INTACT.

MUSIC: if you use a rock song, you might luck out and have a montage happen, which would reduce an eight-hour siege into five minutes. *taps temple* THINK PEOPLE. Classic music = someone important dying. Is that what you want, you sick puppy?? You trying to off the leader of your crew? Might I suggest "Kill 'Em All" by Metallica? It's a) inspirational and b) rockin'. (B, I liked your choice of "Welcome to the Jungle.)

I guess my upbringing in a cult has just better prepared me for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Do you even know how to start a fire without matches three different ways? Do you have a 50 gallon drum of wheat in your basement? I'm not saying I do because I won't be able to feed you all in the End of Days.

Maybe instead of working, or spending quality time with your pets or writing "fanfiction" you could spend a little quality time planning YOUR SURVIVAL. GOD.

...and now I go back to breaking ground for a stone walkway. (Zombies can't climb stairs, BOOYAH.)

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Comments

( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
electro_geisha
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
I am not good with word like you are, but I do like what and how you wrote it :) here you go to my memories!
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:22 pm (UTC)
I'm glad! (And yay, Croatia! Such a beautiful country.)
viciouswishes
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:18 pm (UTC)
Are you doubting my training as a sniper?
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC)
I AM. I will need to see your credentials, Ma'am, including your stats from your firing range.
viciouswishes
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
Well, fine. How about a rocket launcher? Provided I have an unlimited supply of rockets.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
VW, I'm getting very concerned about your choices. Fire doesn't kill zombies. You have to separate their brains. No one understands it, hell, the government is going to be the CAUSE of this, so we can't look to them for help.

If you blow them up, their limbless torsos will just creep after us. Are you telling me that you'll trust that your Nana could walk past a pile of grabbing, biting, limbless zombies and not succumb?

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!? Unless She-Hulk is with you, and she's stomping their brains out, or something. I can get behind that.
viciouswishes
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
But doesn't a rocket break up the body into tiny pieces and that would include the brains?

What about using magic to make zombies really depressed and then they would write emo zombie poetry and stay in their rooms all the time and then kill themsleves with shotguns to the head because no one would give them drugs and/or therapy or care?
rikibeth
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
Zombie teebage Kurt Cobains? The image is... I have no words!
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA. I fully support this depression magic, HEEEEE!
rikibeth
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:29 pm (UTC)
Hey, this is why I chose a flamethrower! Burning the zombies to a crisp is ALSO a valid destruction technique, right?

And I still say Jim Steinman overproduction on the soundtrack favors the heroes.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
*wipes a tear away* NO! You can't burn them and get them to stop. Their charred, ashy corpses will still keep coming. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!

I cannot disagree with your music options, though. Just... no John Williams and for GOD'S SAKE: No Adagio For Strings!! Damn you, Samuel Barber!!
rikibeth
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
If I could remember what random, tiny-band-on-a-local-label-sampler song had the sampled movie dialogue with the news guy INSTRUCTING people to douse the zombies in gasoline and light them on fire, I would send you the mp3. It's not a very good song, though.

My friendslist is not much with the classical zombie-fighting soundtracks -- I've seen a lot more in the aggro goth-metal genre coming up.
trinfaneb
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
Yeah I guess an M-16, Adagio For Strings, and Sgt. Ellias wouldn't be the best combo, huh?
turnonmyheels
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:40 pm (UTC)
My song is awesome, my fighting partner aka saviour is awesome, and I've got to say, because Riddick is so awesome, I won't need Ronon's gun (which shoots a laser beam and could totally sever head from neck)

clearly i survive the zombie apocalypse at the mall.

God do you REMEMBER the zombie apocalypse at the mall movie? Night of the Comet? I LOVED that movie when I was a kid.
rikibeth
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
"DADDY would've gotten UZIS."

"The car didn't seem to care."
turnonmyheels
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:03 pm (UTC)
*g*

good times, the 80s. ::Nods::

Thank god they're over.
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
I loved that movie!
turnonmyheels
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:03 pm (UTC)
It was tons of fun.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
I do think your choice of light saber is freaking bad ass. But I couldn't cop your weapon,so I went with something realistic. You know, to kill the zombies. :D

Have you seen the newest version of Dawn of the Dead??? DUDE. It's a MUST SEE. (And stay through the credits.)
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Do you even know how to start a fire without matches three different ways?

Absolutely. And I know how to spin, weave, sew, knit, make cheese, build lean-tos, and I own many sharp swords, bows, and firearms. I'll bring my water purification tablets.

(In answer to your zombie plan question, nothing beats molotov cocktails. And a long-range rifle for follow-up. Punk for my theme music. Possibly the soundtrack from Return of the Living Dead.)
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
See, you are welcome to live in my post-apocalyptic society because of the heavy skill set you have, absolutely. And I know you don't scare easily. :D

I'm not trusting anyone but a trained sniper with a gun. Head shots are the hardest, and body hits just piss them off. I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THERE. *far off look*
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:25 pm (UTC)
Ah, but if you're up in a tower with a sniper rifle, you've got all the time in the world - and the fireballs will hasten the entropy so it'll slow them down enough to get a bead on 'em. Laser sights, baby.
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
ETA: My hand-to-hand zombie plan is quite simple: Run like hell.
poshcat
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:42 pm (UTC)
OMG YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE CHEESE??!?



Hee.
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
Yep! It's gross. In fact, the first time I made cheese, I didn't eat cheese again for months. (You know what cheese is? Curdled milk.)
poshcat
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
Stoney, I just love you and your srs zombie killin' ways SO MUCH. The Kittens and I could only come up with a scythe when we were discussing this over cereal this morning. Tree limb lopper is way better OMG.

And then the Kitten drew a zombie NASA astronaut on the moon. The End.
poshcat
Jun. 6th, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)
PS My song would be "Hey There Delilah". That would kill off hoards of them in short order, because it would surely make their brains splody.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
AWESOME.

And Poshy, PLEASE tell me you've read World War Z. If not, YOU MUST!!
poshcat
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:43 am (UTC)
Based on your recommendation...I am reading it RIGHT NOW. Yay for libraries, baby!

Grr, argh.
redbrickrose
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
I would want you around in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
I'm telling you, I AM INDISPENSABLE!
slasheuse
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
LA LA LA IVORY TOWER I'LL JUST BE READING SOME, UM, KEATS.

*sits at top of Magdalen Tower*

*...doomed*
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
If you took out those stairs, you could feasibly stay up in your tower for years while the world burned around you. I mean, if that's the kind of person you are.

(Ahahaha. Isolation = #1 key to survival!!)
slasheuse
Jun. 6th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
I WAS RAISED IN A CULT THAT PREPARED US FOR THE APOCALYPSE.
slasheuse
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
....no wai NOT ACTUALLY THE APOCALYPSE?
harmonyfb
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
Hmm. That's presuming no medical emergencies arise. Or the tower doesn't catch fire. ::is a fan of worst case scenario preparation::
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
(Shh. I'm thinning the herd, Harm.)
violethamster
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
Madam, a zombie apocalypse where one cannot say "this is my boomstick" is no zombie apocalyse in my book.
stoney321
Jun. 6th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
...and you couldn't grab your crotch and say it? (Bwah!)
dovil
Jun. 6th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
Best thought out zombie post yet - I like your style.

My weapon of choice was a bottle of vodka to kill my brain cells while playing My Heart Will Go On in an ironic choice that would hopefully mean that they'd kill each other in order to escape its awfulness.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
I like hearing that. It's good to know my mania has served a purpose.

Killing your brain prior to them eating it... Clever. Maybe... too clever. *checks you for zombification*
nwhepcat
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
You are MY HERO.

(Though really, no shotgun? Sawed off, so it takes the head off from the shoulders?)
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
Now, mu husband has an M-4, but he's been trained as a sniper and can make a head shot 198 times out of 200. While I'm pretty fierce with a .22, I want the assurance of brains disconnected from zombie flesh. I just don't feel like I have the best odds with a shotgun, and buckshot from a sawed off only does damage when you're in grabbing distance.

See, with the tree limb lopper, I'm 25 feet from the zombie. If they're close enough to grab me, I've not done my job. :D

It's highly possible I've thought too much about this...
ely_jan
Jun. 7th, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
...

I heart you.
stoney321
Jun. 10th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
\o/
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 10th, 2008 02:33 am (UTC)
I love that you're on the same wavelength with me on this. And I'm SO GLAD to hear you liked that book! Wasn't it wonderfully written and chilling? Fantastic.

Just make your way to me, and I'll save you.
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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