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A.K.A, old enough to know better.

This weekend was full of excitement and adventure and noisy, dirty boys with questionable hygiene. And beer. Looooots of beer.

I offered to drive the majority of the group down to San Antonio in my SUV. We all could have gone in comfort and style, plenty of leg room for all, and a DVD player for the fellas in the back! What's not to love? Oh. Four of the seven are chain smokers, and they're not allowed to ride in my car and smoke. (I offered to make frequent stops.... No dice.) Since it didn't make sense for me to drive alone in my big car and pay all that gas money, I agreed to ride with my bro-in-law and the gang in his car.

Even when you roll the window down you still stink up a car with cigarette smoke. And while I believe adults have the right to make their own health decisions for their own bodies, I'm not going to lie to you: I fucking hate cigarette smoke. HAAAAATE. I'm slightly allergic to it (#2 almost has an asthma attack around tobacco smoke) oh, and when I know I'm going to be at a shindig I don't like smelling like an ashtray. Here's a surprise: even if you brush your teeth, Smokers, put on perfume or cologne, YOU STILL REEK OF TOBACCO SMOKE.

Anyway. Ahem.

5 hour ride with boys who don't mind farting, belching, chain smoking (really? It's 100 degrees outside, and you're drinking a cup of coffee and smoking? Feh.) We get to the hotel that I booked using my husband's hotel points, and one of the tagalongs (not involved in the movie, but a supportive friend of the directors) asks where he can LIGHT UP. As in: POT. In my hotel room. Um, no. Look, I don't give a shit about pot. I really don't. I think it's stupid that pot is illegal and liquor isn't, given the ability to kill someone when drunk and not so much when high, but IT IS STILL ILLEGAL. So automatically, I'm the asshole with this jerk. And if you look really closely, you might find the care in my eye. Maybe.

I didn't realize that everyone wanted to go hit some bars before the event, bars not at the event. So we ran around San Antonio's Riverwalk (which really is beautiful, if not slightly like being at Disney World, what with the mediocre food and high prices and pressing crowds everywhere) on the cobbled streets. Did I mention I was wearing a pair of stiletto-heeled sandals? Because I was. And I was good for about three hours. And then my feet just screamed "No More." I'm no Carrie Bradshaw.

The actual festival was interesting. They didn't really promote it, so the crowds were small. Which, hey. That's fine. But it was a weird mix of folks, and they didn't know that our movie is THE MOST OFFENSIVE MOVIE EVER. No, I'm serious. But the weird thing was the shock garnered for this viewing. The things I always expect people to gasp and storm out over weren't the things that they gasped and stormed out over. (10 people left, mostly women, mostly in their early twenties.) (Aww, and one of my lines was cut for this showing, in anticipation. :( It'll be back in for subsequent viewings. WTF?)

I kept telling the producer, "But Italians love my sleaze! I'm an award winning Sleazy Actress!" This always got a nod from the director, "She's right. They love her sleaze. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

The folks that ran the festival loved the movie, so that was cool. One of these people was an 87 year old man from Chihuahua, Mexico who's wife didn't speak any English. Which is why, he told us, she stayed through the whole thing. HAHAHAHAHA. He loved how dirty we all were, so that was really funny to me. Way to go, old timer!

We spent the rest of the night at a bar that served ONE DOLLAR DOMESTICS and TWO DOLLAR IMPORTS. Bottles. So... they all got 'faced. I don't like beer, so I sipped on a Coke all night, fending off the advances of some old biker dude that really wanted me to go to some Cowboy games with him. I kept explaining how my husband gets tetchy when I go on dates. Finally, the guy that plays "Bone" (the hot, muscled anti-hero of the movie) got me out of there. You know what sucks about being the only sober person in a group of drunks? Being the only sober person in a group of drunks.

When guys are by themselves drinking, they get stupid. How stupid? Let me tell you. Our Executive Producer just finished his third tour of duty in Iraq. The pot-smoking "friend" is a tall, doughy boy, awkward socially, with coke-bottle glasses. They both decided it would be AWESOME to find a fight. And maybe get mugged. We leave the bar trying to find our car (we walked ALL OVER the city, oh my god, and I walked barefoot, holding my shoes. Thank god San Antonio has the cleanest streets you'll find) and they're going on and on about this, getting louder as we pass other roving bands of people on the streets at 2 a.m. I explain that I have a VAGINA IN MY PANTS, and would prefer to not be attacked or mugged, I thank you very much.

*head desk*

Then they decide to show us the beer they bought off the bartender, down several, and start flinging beer bottles. WHEEEEEEE. Hey, how about you guys cut that shit out, or I'm stealing the keys and leaving your asses on the street? FREAKING BOYS. They're all in their late twenties, so they know better. Evidently not...

Long story only slightly less long, I wrangled the kittens, er, fellas back to the hotel by 4 a.m. I haven't seen 4 a.m. in a looooong time. I don't want to get too familiar with it, either. We left the hotel the next day at noon, with them rolling out of bed and into the car, hungover. 5 hour ride back home with them moaning and smoking like chimneys.

Next time there's a road trip? I'm fucking driving myself. Moral of the story: drink to enjoy the flavor, people. Why get drunk and feel like crap the next day? Oh, and be out of ALL OF THAT MONEY. Oy.

(Side note: I was looking forward to this trip because it was going to be a relief from my mother duties. Um... apparently not.)

Positive things: meeting some new people, how GORGEOUS San Antonio is (I had forgotten), how unbelievably nice and friendly every one is there (and this is a Southerner saying it) and talking for two hours with a guy in the movie that I never got to know well, and finding out how nice he is. Yay! Oh, and the editor drove down and brought his girlfriend and they were SO FUN. We talked on and on about Lost and Battlestar Galactica which is the definition of a god time. (The editor wore a shirt under his sport coat that read "I am not a Cylon." Hee! I like how we fans find each other through code... :D

For the record: San Antonio is better than Austin because it's just as funky and eclectic but has NO pretension. And instead of patchoulie-stinking hippies, you have awesome and friendly Mexican-Americans that know where the good food is. AWESOME.



I did come home to a spotless house and happy kids, so there's that. *loves on my family* In other news, last Friday I got a wild hair and rearranged the furniture in my office and dining room, including moving my 1200 pound piano with almost non-functioning caster wheels. I'm still sore, and I'm riddled with bruises to the point where I look like I need a heroin intervention. o_0 (I'm a delicate rose-petal, skin-wise.)

Lastly, I'm reading a really interesting and funny book, The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman by Bruce Robinson. I'm only 48 pages in, but I'm enjoying those 48 pages immensely. (Um, not for the squeamish, by the way.)

Comments

( 58 comments — Leave a comment )
rikibeth
Jun. 23rd, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
Wow, that makes my Saturday night at a small-club general-admission roxk concert seem positively tame! I was shepherding two thirteen-year-old girls, so we were on the under-21 side of the venue (Toad's Place puts a barricade down the MIDDLE to keep young'uns away from the bar), so no drunkenness, and the barricade makes a mosh pit pretty difficult, so it was just a giant crush, but yeah.

Freakin' boys. Glad to hear nobody got hurt!
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you had a night of wrangling kittens, too. I could have gone for a nice meal and pleasant conversation, truth be told. :)

BOYS. I was about ready to slam their heads against each other, Stooges-style and drag them back. Possibly toss them into dumpsters...
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julia_here
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:08 pm (UTC)
I wish I could say they grow out of it, but I've been stuck with four men in their forties doing a marathon writing/recording session, drinking beer and neither eating nor drinking anything else without being reminded- and all I can say is I was evilly glad that the one who was most resistant to the "y'all aren't funny or intelligible, lets go get breakfast" was the one who had to get on a 7am cross-continental flight after puking for five hours.

Julia, some times not even slightly a nice person
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
It sucks that a lot of them don't grow out of it, which is why I looooove my husband. He's one of the kinds that was old when he was young. :D Yay maturity! Too bad it's not catching...
bitchygrrl
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:12 pm (UTC)
Wow even in my 20's I left dudes like that in the parking lot with no ride home. What is it with some men. On the upside you cam home to a spotless house. Your family rules
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:33 pm (UTC)
If I had been driving, I would have done just the same as you - left those drunks throwing bottles in the parking lot. GAAAAAH.

Each of my kids got big hugs and kisses from mom for that. <3
moosesal
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
Oh man. I've been you except for the chain smoking (although I've had plenty of experience with that too). In MD I was always the designated driver and I just never understood how grown men turn into boys so quickly. One year in Ocean City, Chris's friend Brian managed to fall off the bus he was so drunk. Fell right between the bus and the sidewalk as the driver said, "Watch your step." That was probably one of the few moments that I was actually amused by their antics. Mostly I just get really annoyed.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud at the guy literally falling off the bus, heeeeeee! I would have laughed with you if I had been there.

And yeah - it's freaking annoying.
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pernickety
Jun. 23rd, 2008 05:09 pm (UTC)
Your family clearly rules, drunk antics? Not so much. Throwing bottles, oh the hilarity!

You're making me want to visit San Antonio.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
Who throws bottles?! Oh, and the "hilarious" part was how we had an hour long discussion about helping save the environment because we're close to destruction. Nothing like saving the world by making a mess!

San Antonio is awesome. The BEST Mexican food outside of Mexico, hands down. Delicioso! (And the people are just kind and happy. Who doesn't love that?)
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viciouswishes
Jun. 23rd, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
I'm right with you on tricks stupid drunk people do not being entertaining and not wanting to smell like a cigarette all the time. For I am also frequently the kitten wrangler, drunk person watcher, and sober driver.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 05:46 pm (UTC)
We provide a thankless yet necessary service. BAH, I tell you.
brunettepet
Jun. 23rd, 2008 06:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, after a night of drinking getting into a fight always sounds like a fun time. That all sounds like a nightmare.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Seriously. All the other stuff that was good was good enough to balance out, but MAN am I glad to be an actual adult. One thing you can take to the bank about Stoney: you won't go to jail if you're with me. o_0
ruthless1
Jun. 23rd, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
Thankfully - the drunk people I hang around all play Irish music. So they have their instruments to worry about/keep them in check. The worst thing they might do is go to bed without putting their instruments away if we are all camping.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
See, that's the kind of getting drunk I enjoy (even though I don't like being "drunk" anymore. Pleasantly buzzed? Yes.) I like sitting around outside with good friends laughing, enjoying the night, playing music. That sounds great.

Wandering around a city for hours looking for a car while drunks fling bottles? Not so much on the good times list.
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ann1962
Jun. 23rd, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
I have a VAGINA IN MY PANTS

I think this should be today's internet QOTD.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:32 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA. :D
... - ann1962 - Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
copykween
Jun. 23rd, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
Oy, sounds like a nightmare! Especially the chain smoking. Funny thing, I used to smoke. But now? I can't even stomach the barest whiff of it on the breeze.

San Antonio IS awesome. Cleaner and with less traffic than most of the other big cities, and you can ALWAYS find something to do.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
I'm a good 7 to 10 years older than these guys, but I look the youngest. They've been two-three packs a day smokers since they were 13 or 14. Gleh.

I <3 San Antonio! We might even go back down this weekend, in fact. :)
drusplace
Jun. 23rd, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
When a group of men get together they are determined to revert to being BOYS. I think it has to do with their chromosomes or something...Glad to hear you survived!

I still LOVE that Italians love your sleaze! You should put that on your resume, if you haven't already. And the 87 year old man? I <3 him!
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Really, they do! Good lord.

Heee! Not on my resume, but it's my LJ name. *G* How awesome was that old guy loving the dirty? SO awesome.
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enigmaticblues
Jun. 23rd, 2008 07:35 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes. Drunk people. I have friends who regularly go out and get Stupid!Drunk, and they are definitely old enough to know better. The only time it's fun to be sober in a crowd of drunks is when there's at least one other sober person who can a) help you corral them, b) help you mock them, and c) continue to mock them after they are sober.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
BWAH HA HA! We are in TOTAL AGREEMENT there. Why couldn't I bring all of y'all down there with me? Boo.
lynnenne
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC)
They both decided it would be AWESOME to find a fight. And maybe get mugged.

Yes, because in a state where everyone carries guns that is SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

Stupid boys.
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
"a state where everyone carries guns"

EVERYONE, Lynne. Everyone carries them. I've almost built up Emily's arm strength so when she shoots her .44 Magnum, she doesn't get her teeth knocked out. She loves to shoot...

Hahahaha. What is WRONG with boys sometimes?? If I may quote one of my all time favorite movies, "Don't be a dude, Lloyd. The world is full of dudes. Be a man." :D
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kseenaa
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Good lord... o.O Now thats a party for ya'! Or something... :-P
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
Or something is right! Sheesh.
abusing_sarcasm
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC)
Wow, you are such a SQUARE! I love sparkin' up a doobie in hotels and getting in street fights armed with beer bottles... Beats the fuck out of knitting, am I right?

*snork*

Boys.

I'm glad I've never been one and never will be.

But I do so love reading your tales of high adventure!
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
"Beats the fuck out of knitting, am I right?"

Obviously you don't knit like I do, with is with two loaded .22 rifles, buck naked, "riding" a donkey while the audience snorts coke.

But then, I learned to knit from my grandma, and she always was a different sort of grandma...

(Hahahaha.)
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dovil
Jun. 23rd, 2008 10:06 pm (UTC)
YAY FOR HIGH MAINTENANCE PEOPLE!

You realise now that I'm going to have to change my colour coded hour by hour New York itinerary and cross out all those cool drunken street fights and blowing smoke in your face that I had planned. Woe!

Seriously, how you restrained yourself enough not to back over them in the car...you have surely reached sainthood. Someone call the Pope!
stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 10:19 pm (UTC)
I KNOW! I mean, you and I know how to get drunk. We put loads of liquor in an empty stomach and excuse ourselves politely and vomit in an outdoor waste bin. By which I mean "me" for "we."

But I'm not gonna lie to you: the entire time I was with you I was hoping we'd get mugged so I could smash bottles against the assailant's head. Because I know how to HAVE FUN.
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poshcat
Jun. 23rd, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha, oh my internet girlfriend. I hate cigarette smoke just as much as you do, maybe more. I wouldn't have been able to do it, gas or no gas. Also I went to a party last weekend where there were druuuunk boys, I mean men, in their 40s and 50s, doing exactly the same kinds of lame ass stuff like falling into bushes and firepits and puking in the neighbour's yard. They were hockey players, mind you, so that explains a lot.

You tell those guys they're going to end up like Amy Winehouse with emphysema and shit -- is that what they want?!? ::gives them the mom look::

::rubs your poor vagina feet::

stoney321
Jun. 23rd, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
You did know that the quickest way to my vagina is through my feet, right? Not that I have pussy-feet, but a foot massage is my most favorite thing EVER. (Okay, I do have vaginas on my feet. THERE. I've said it.)

Posh, nothing makes me scowl harder than getting away from smokers and still smelling that on me. BLECH. They can do what they want, b ut why do I have to suffer, too???

*massages your vagina vagina*
tidbit2008
Jun. 24th, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
So San Antonio was that boring, huh?

Well, at least it's over? And yes, that's the best I have for spin for the night.

But happy kids and clean house are win, so that's something.

*makes mental note of another reason why to not rearrange furniture*
stoney321
Jun. 24th, 2008 01:11 pm (UTC)
...San Antonio was boring? Not in the slightest! That was the best part of the trip, the actual city, which was why I had that in the "positives" list. It was the kooks that wanted to get drunk and act stupid that was bothersome. And it was anything but boring.

A clean house is ALWAYS a win, though.
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 24th, 2008 11:12 pm (UTC)
Oh, there's no way you could even sit near these guys, Anne, the smoke is just IN them. In their clothes, in their pores... Blech. How can people do that to themselves? Ick.

And???? The house is STILL clean. I got a solid 24 hours of clean! I'm hoping for 48... :D
( 58 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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