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Centaurs a-go-go!

This may be the first time since the clown fetish fic I stumbled on that I've sat gaping, boggling at the decline of mankind. DIRTY WORDS and WEIRDNESS under the cut, head's up! [One work-safe picture, as well, a shirtless, photoshopped man.] LET THE GAMES BEGIN!



First, we visit a story where regular (but all muscular and beautiful formed) young men go to school with a hot, massive centaur as a teacher named - I shit you not - ED. ( I did not see any students named Wilbur.) Naturally, they all end up in a swimming pool (??) and four of the boys ride the teacher. (Um, two men can barely ride on a Clydesdale, people.) I'll let the following paragraph speak for itself.

With the warmth of the evening, the great food and beer, and the camaraderie and love we all felt for Ed and for each other, it seemed the supreme moment for all of us to start coming - there was no other way to deal with his incredible sexuality. Ed laughed, obviously turned on, and highly honored to be the toast of the evening, as come flew as if it were champagne frothing from uncorked bottles, guys groaning, beating themselves off, beating each other off, and coming everywhere, come running down Ed's back and flanks and down the long legs of his riders.


Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner![/random deep thought for you]

1. I appreciate that they spelled it "come" and not "cum."
2. Supreme moment for Centaur bukakke?
3. Come bath? BLECH. I'm thinking that is in NO WAY going to be a pleasant experience, but then, I'm not into HORSES, so what do I know.

But what about the teacher? I'm sure having a bunch of his students "leaking" all over his flanks is getting him hot. One of the boys asks the teacher about his hard on at that point.

"you need a lesson in centaur come if you want to be prepared for the consequences," Ed said, with a smile. "Not that I wouldn't love to see them work their effects on anybody."

So. "Ed" begins to TEACH A LESSON on Centaur spunk. Because when you're drunk and at a pool party, that's the time for learning.

We learn that:

  • "the centaur precum itself was neutral, that is, not toxic or harmful to living tissue, but it caused a huge increase in the ability of tissue to stretch" (Wait for it. Oh. My. God.)
  • "those centaurs in the evolutionary chain that failed to develop such precum were limited to sexual partners with very large capacity to handle the enormous centaur penis"
  • "The precum permitted even the most hugely endowed centaurs to mate, since their giant penises were no longer an impediment to breeding"
  • A happy accident of evolution was "the fact that centaurs evolved universally huge penises"


The teacher wants an object lesson, so he gets all the students to rub his huge "glazed" cock and rub the precum into their hands LIKE LOTION. <-- actual wording used. Guys, you can't dream of crap like this, unless you are just a broken individual.

"The guys with Ed's precum on their hands found that their hands became extremely stretchy and flexible. It was sexy to see what they could do to their beautiful hands — pulling the fingers longer, stretching and twisting their wrists like taffy."


There's talk of guys passing HANDFUL after HANDFUL of this stuff around the group, the word HARVESTED is used, and then my brain broke. Meanwhile, the teacher is "chuckling in a boys-will-be-boys manner." Those wily students with a handful of my dick taffy! WOWEE. (I would now like to copyright the phrase "Dick Taffy" incidentally.)

Please tell me that you guessed where this "stretch-inducing" penal lotion is going. PLEASE.

The class clown literally stuck his own head up his own handsome ass

NOPE. I hadn't imagined that. Point to the fic writer.


In the "I am totally going to abuse the word HANDSOME" category:

  • our handsome centaur teacher
  • they draped his horse body with a handsome blanket of human male leg muscle
  • a flushed look on his handsome centaur face
  • One guy got his mouth totally around his partner's body, like an extremely handsome stork (!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHA.)
  • the guy tied his buddy's legs into a handsome and oddly erotic granny knot, with big handsome male feet dangling at the ends



In the "There Is No Bell Curve In This Class" Category
"Okay, guys, listen, because I want to tell you, and then I want to make love to every one of you." long discussion about transformation, it taking hours to happen, and being hungry the whole time, and how having BJs all around you helps make the transformation easier, then: "That's about all I can tell you now because I have to come in the worst way! May I make love to any of you or all of you?"


See, what's so clever is that it is the TEACHER bringing the apple. Or some shit. Also, I think the new awesome pick up line should be May I make love to any of you or all of you? It's so polite!


Like the good teacher he was, Ed walked his four horse legs among us, checking our progress, sucking us off here or there as needed, giving a touch or a hug of assurance and welcome.


It's like the standardized testing process for creepy sexual deviancy. What would have been the perfect ending would be them all finding out they were on Pleasure Island and were being sold to work in mines or turned into glue.






Best Intro to a Fic ever:

Back in 2400, the dawn of a new century, I was finishing up my triple major—theater, art, and computer science. Just enough background to start my own 3D animation studio with my own software.

You mean we haven't advanced beyond 3D animation four hundred years from now?? Also, I love the triple major. NERD ALERT. So this dude takes a pill that makes him transform into a "shapeshifter." Read: furry. My favorite description:

my crotch, which now hosted three long large snakes of penii. So THAT'S how you pluralize it! :D

In The "Biggest Understatement EVER" Category:
"That's odd," my friend Jason muttered.

As the pain died down, I took my hands, settling one on each of my members. Larger they were, yes. (me: is this Yoda?) My scrotal sack also reflected that fact, bearing six balls. And all I could do now is pleasure myself.


Honestly, what else CAN he do, people? And I totally laughed at bearing balls.






So, the thing I love best about finding this crap is all the new terminology that I learn. Like "stacking." This means crappy photoshopping, in a nutshell. Here's a picture to demonstrate one version:



I found the perfect holiday Fic, featuring a hot, gay Santa granting one lucky boy his deepest stacking wish...

"Mark blinked and held a hand up to block out the light from the fireplace and saw standing next to the hearth a twenty-something man, tall and slender. He was wearing red denim jeans and a red leather jacket lined with white lambs wool at the cuffs and collar. The man stepped forward and offered a hand, whispering, "Mark, right? I'm Kris."

As in KRINGLE. So, Kris and Mark tiptoe through the house, drinking beer, whispering, and then Hot Gay Santa grabs Mark and jams his tongue down his throat. What Christmas stories have you been reading? This is X-mas in my house, I know that much. The X is for SEX, aww yeah, chicky bow wow! Also: Kris smokes CLOVE CIGARETTES. Whether or not Santa is into Morrissey and Depeche Mode isn't stated outright. But Santa has a tattoo of mistletoe (which, incidentally, is a parasite. Sorry, Botany moment) below his navel. And juuuust above his asshole. Oh, Santa! What a rogue!

Is anyone else wishing for Hanukkah Harry at this point? ("Underwear? Aww..." "Eight pair! Can you believe it?") Side note, my little sister called the mantel piece the "withcare" because of the Christmas story. So now I want to call the... butt sphincter the WithCare. I don't know, people, I just do.

So, Kris stops tonguing this dude and tells him he got the letter he wrote, which prompts Mark to sputter, "Oh crap, I think I might have been stoned when I wrote it too." This may be the most heartwarming holiday tale ever.

Kris shushed Mark. "Mark, just relax and trust me." Kris slid his hands to the sides of Mark's hips and pushed his pants and boxers down gently. They slipped over Mark's rounded ass and then fell to the floor softly.


BAD SANTA! BAD SANTA!!!

He doesn't ... bite Mark's holly berry. He gives him a whole new back end! Who doesn't want two asses and four legs, because that is crazy talk! Think of all the extra sitting you could do!

Mark glanced up into Kris's face, "Do you have time to... play?" remembering last year Kris had explained his 'special arrangement' with Father Time. One that involved a private Hawaiian beach house for the months between the holidays for when Father Time was neither an infant nor a geezer.

WHAT. No, no, I hold that what and save it for after this:

Mid-February, on Maui, young Timmy opened up another letter and read it to Kris. "Dear Santa: Thanks so much for the gift you gave Mark and Dave and us! -- Ross and Nate" He looked up at Kris, "What was that all about?" </p>

Kris laughed and slapped his ass, and suddenly he was standing on four legs instead of two. "Oh, just a few more happy boytaurs."

Timmy year old eyes boggled. "Cool!!! Let me ride you!"

Kris frowned. "Timmy, your body won't be of 'legal' age until March, I don't care if no one else is around, it's not right."



Okay, now: WHAT?!

Also: how many is "Timmy year old?" and why the hell did Santa say his "body" isn't old enough, not, you know, TIMMY? (Does Timmy have an old soul?) Wow.






Lastly, we have a story called, I kid you not, "Penis Juice." (I did not find out if Motts or Ocean Spray manufactures this, sorry.)

1. It's found in the cold drink section of convenience stores. (I'm thinking an appropriate place is between YooHoo and Jolt Cola.)
2. Hot guys sell this, making the patrons kiss them in gratitude (no, really)
3. Penis Juice makes you want to wrestle and suck off another guy. (I don't know if it has the same effect on women. Best to be cautious, is my advice.)

Something I will never hear ever. I hope. "You probably just want more Penis Juice," the customer laughed. I can say without reservation that no, I do not. I'm good.

And I want to inject this story with a PSA after reading the following:

Pandemonium was breaking loose outside as crowds of guys held onto each other, their shirtless or nude bodies pressed together to hold their monstrously beautiful penises against each other as they sucked each other, and a steady eruption of huge shots of come rained continuously as the guys came and came, unable to catch all the spurts of come volleying vertically from their enormous hardons.


BE SMART: DON'T START. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye to vertically volleying and viscous vitalis from partying on Penis Juice. At a GAS STATION. (Did Britney Spears write this?) "Okay, y'all, I'm gone in thar an' getting some o'that Penis Juice. And some Cheeto's."


*rainbow across the screen* The More You Know...

(Off topic: Happy birthday to the lovely and sweet timeofchange, and happy belated birthday to the lucious and fantabulous fitofpique! I'm sorry I missed it, I hope it was terrific!)

Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
thebratqueen
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC)
I haven't even read the rest of your post and I just have to say...
...CLOWN FETISH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:39 pm (UTC)
IT WAS FRIGHTENING. FRIGHTENING!!!
thebratqueen
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
WHY DID YOU SHARE THAT COMBINATION OF WORDS WITH ME???? I CANNOT UNSEE THEM!
moosesal
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
I saw a movie or maybe a CSI ep that involved Clown Fetish once.
darkhavens
Jun. 27th, 2008 11:50 pm (UTC)
It was CSI. It scarred me for life. Wifey gets it on with son's birthday clown, hubby finds out, kills the clown and keeps the suit because, hey, it gets the missus hot! *is still traumatized by visions of clown sex*

Also, re boytaurs... EW x bajillionty.
moosesal
Jun. 28th, 2008 01:57 am (UTC)
Yes! That's it. Thanks for the reminder because I couldn't remember quite enough and it was driving me nuts. Now I don't have to think about it anymore. :)
xtie615
Jul. 3rd, 2008 04:16 pm (UTC)
I saw an episode of Real Sex on HBO years ago which featured people who had a clown fetish, so it’s been out there for while. (*shrieking, pulling hair* They’re walking freely among us!!!) They filmed testimonials as well as footage of the….the… *gulp* “love of greasepaint”.

I haven’t been the same since.
mpoetess
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:37 pm (UTC)
YA RLY. I mean, it's clearly id-fic, and even more or less mainstream gay porn written by guys for guys tends to leave me going "Boy-hole? Seriously, these words turn you on?" but the boytaur stuff is a whole new level of Seriously? Seriously?

And I actually like the shapechanger fanfic genre of "So and so is really a traditional ancient Greek centaur, they can shift to human and have been hiding among us for years" that James and Wolfling started. But that... is not this.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:39 pm (UTC)
Yeah - their fic is NO WHERE CLOSE to the universe of WTF that this falls into.

Yow.
moosesal
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
He doesn't ... bite Mark's holly berry. He gives him a whole new back end! Who doesn't want two asses and four legs, because that is crazy talk! Think of all the extra sitting you could do!

Brings new meaning to double penetration.

And are you familiar with Pimp Juice? It's an actual energy drink.

Finally, I'm conflicted about which icon to use. Britney or furry? Britney or furry? You've just made me want a Britney as centaur icon.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
I AM familiar with Pimp Juice! I about laughed myself sick when I saw that. My sister and I ran into a "liquor and waffles" kind of convenience store a while back, and they had "essential oils" by the register.

One flavor: BOOTY JUICE. (My sister asked, "Does it smell like hot dogs and sunshine?")
moosesal
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! Nice one. High five for the sis.

Liquor and waffles? *cracks up* Only in the South.

We had some Pimp Juice drinks in Ocean City, MD, a few years ago. Same kinds of stuff they do with Red Bull to make all kinds of shooters, but the Pimp Juice ones are way better. PJ tastes like green apple Jolly Ranchers. Goes nicely with vodka. Mmm.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
SHe's pretty damn funny, it must be said.

And that sounds freaking DELICIOUS. Yum!
moosesal
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:48 pm (UTC)
It really is. They had a whole menu of different shooters and drinks made with the stuff. I was amazed, but enjoyed myself.
wolfshark
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, oh dear

*bleaches brain*
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
*passes more over*
mireille719
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
So. "Ed" begins to TEACH A LESSON on Centaur spunk. Because when you're drunk and at a pool party, that's the time for learning.

Well, Stoney, if anybody's going to teach me a lesson about centaur spunk, I want to be drunk first. In fact, I insist on it.

stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Well played, madam.
lynnenne
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
A horse is a horse, of course of course. But a centaur is NOT A SEX TOY.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
WHEN WILL THEY LEARN??? (Oh my god, there's a "sister" site with mermaids. COMING UP NEXT!)
southernbangel
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
NO ME GUSTA NO ME GUSTA!!

stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
AY DIOS MIO!!
drusplace
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
Buh-buh-b-uh-bhu...

Seriously that is the most coherent I can be right now. I'm crying and I nearly fell out of my chair! I knew I had to save the centaur bit for Stoney-commentary.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
I do the work of the Lord. I AM GOD'S OWN WARRIOR.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC)
I learned a while back that there is no bottom to the well that is Bad!Fic, Anne. It's an eternal black hole of badness.
mangofandango
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)
"May I make love to any of you or all of you?"

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE SENTENCE EVER. GOOD LO-ARD.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC)
Isn't that the greatest thing EVER?!?!
maybe1ce
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
Evidence that I've read too many of these Bad! Fic summaries: I found myself thinking that the centaur teacher one was [i]not so bad[/i] because I could think of about ten ways it could be worse, more perverse, disturbing and ungrammatical.

You have broken my brain, my spirit, my very will to live. Damn you, stoney.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
*claps hands together*

My work here is done! :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
Now, I'm not saying I want a fic where that goes horribly wrong, I'm not saying that.

I certainly am not wanting fic with Eliza Jane pulling on Manly's taffy. ANd doing it wrong. And going out West to hide her shame. I AM NOT ASKING FOR THAT.

But I am asking for Laura/Manly taffy pull fic. I AM.
undersea
Jun. 27th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
Whyyyyy? Just whyyyyyy?
Again, I thank you for wading through the fiery pits of fanfiction hell to find these for us. :)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Because we need to have dreck to compare ourselves against? :D

You are WELCOME.
azryal
Jun. 27th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
!!!!
Oh, you're killing me! (wipes away tears) I love all of your badfic exposes, but this one is quite possibly the best.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye to vertically volleying and viscous vitalis from partying on Penis Juice.

Alliteration!!

One guy got his mouth totally around his partner's body, like an extremely handsome stork (!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHA.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I want to call the... butt sphincter the WithCare. I don't know, people, I just do.

Priceless. Thank God I have an office with a door now.

Mae

stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2008 06:40 pm (UTC)
Hours of entertainment this stuff provides... HOURS.

(I am very pleased someone picked up on my alliteration, too. WHEE!)
lwbush
Jun. 27th, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)
How in God's Name do you FIND this stuff?

**Iz boggled**
bitchygrrl
Jun. 27th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC)
Okay, I'm packing up and moving to Whatthefuckistan! WTF? Boytaurs and stacking and seriously these people clearly smoked the good shit. I mean if this gets their rocks off, so be it but for real? *lol* I clearly lack imagination because if I wasn't looking at I'd be like no way.

BTW the guy tied his buddy's legs into a handsome and oddly erotic granny knot, with big handsome male feet dangling at the ends No, just no. That's not handsome. Is it wrong that I'm sudeenly think of the Plastic_Man cartoon from back in the day?
kseenaa
Jun. 27th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
Good lord. o.O Where do you find this stuff? Seriously?
demonqueen666
Jun. 27th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye to vertically volleying and viscous vitalis from partying on Penis Juice. At a GAS STATION.

Okay, see, now I'm picturing the gasoline fight from Zoolander. Only instead of gas hoses, they're using......EWW.
redbrickrose
Jun. 27th, 2008 11:15 pm (UTC)
As always, your commentary is hilarious, but the whole centaur thing is just a whole new level of DO NOT WANT that I didn't know existed.
zyrya
Jun. 28th, 2008 12:09 am (UTC)
With the warmth of the evening, the great food and beer, and the camaraderie and love we all felt for Ed and for each other, it seemed the supreme moment for all of us to start coming

This happens all the time ... sitting on the verandah at sunset, enjoying a Pimms and the company of friends, and all of a sudden we just have to come and come and come.
elucidate_this
Jun. 28th, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAAAAHAHAAAHAHAAAAAA

omg stoney. i am sitting on the couch with my father while he watches a very serious movie about, like, the revolutionary war or something and i am choking on laughter so as not to be disruptive and thus am making strange hiccup noises.

thank you for this post. it has brought much glee to my heart.
maevebran
Jun. 28th, 2008 06:21 am (UTC)
Oh my!!!!! Another funny but scary find.

earcmacfithil and I are still chuckling over the Roy Orbison Cling Film fic. (particularly when we need the cling film for any thing. He also informed me the other day that the song Pretty Woman has been completely ruined.)
pipergirl07
Jun. 29th, 2008 01:18 am (UTC)
Wow. Equine fics, Santa fics... it's like my birthday and Easter all rolled up into one, isn't it?!

And the best? My son happened to see Mr. 'Stacking': Mommy! I saw a man with four arms and four... these... *points to my boobs*

*howl*

Thanks again for wading into the murkiest pits of hell to press the importance of good grammar and normalcy.
stoney321
Jun. 29th, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)
Oh, ack! Sorry your son saw the weirdness. (Um, and I'm really glad I didn't post the picture labeled "harold." Uh... you may not want to go searching for that one. Ick.)

And it is MY PLEASURE to wade through the crap and share. Because, clearly, I'm broken inside. :D
mskakaako
Jun. 30th, 2008 05:54 am (UTC)
Eeeeeeeeew!!!!!!!!!

So this is the state of lj these days, huh?
Go away for a year and centaur spunk is all the rage?
"This is ectoplasm!" Haha, I love me some South Park.

The Santa centaur thing...wow.

Pshaw. Penis juice has nothing on cream of cum.

I love you Laura, but one day this bad!fic is going to rot your brain (er...more). Hee!

This is the most disturbing of PSAs ever.

timeofchange
Jul. 5th, 2008 12:39 am (UTC)
Uh, thanks for the birthday greetings. Really. It's like getting to celebrate all over again. I was offline for days and days and missed your greeting when you posted...

Sorry, I just can't stop shuddering. Centaurs and creepy Santas and penis juice? Unnnnnnh. And, yet, I read your entire post because I couldn't tear myself away. Kind of sick now.
chosen0112
Oct. 14th, 2008 12:30 pm (UTC)
My hubby and son are asleep. I am crying from laughter, and clamping my hand over my mouth to keep quiet. Should I read more Bad(great)fic posts? Hmmm...Yes. Yes I should.
May I just say that boytaur fic is WRONG WRONG WRONG. Also, ew, creepy centaur teacher precum. EW.
( 49 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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